Good Fear, Bad Fear

Some of the best things in life are accompanied by a little dose of fear. It is what makes it exciting and releases all those chemicals and hormones inside. The electric eye lock, anticipation before a performance, getting the job, etc.

If that is true then the assertion that all we have to fear is fear itself, is not entirely true. Of course one with my views would have tended to fear the power of the man speaking more than the fear to which he was referring.

Bad fear, now, that is a horse of a different color. That's the stuff that drags you down if left unchecked. It is an interesting twist how fear of the unknown can be channeled into the good or the bad category depending upon how neurotic a person is. I know people who can turn finding a pot of gold into another example of how the universe is abusive.

There are times when I think I am oblivious to certain fears I ought to indulge. I know I have knee jerk reaction which are borne of fears that aren't to be indulged and which are kind of silly. Going to a stranger's house for dinner is a biggie. I'll know someone who is on the inside track with the people, that person invites me, and then I freak. I'm getting better but the first reaction is flight; flee for your life!

That one would surprise even my family. My brother has the idea that I am comfortable in all social circumstances with all people. Surprising considering my time in hermetically sealed hermitdom. When you are incommunicado for long periods, people get to write whatever script they choose, if they are inclined to account for your time.

Fear of returning to dark times and super isolation is a good fear, as long as you don't overdo it.

What a remarkable year and some. Today is absolutely perfect here on Ballistic Mountain. Light breeze, maybe 70F, pale blue sky, just incredible. Just a hint of something in the air. If I were back east, down south, I'd be sure it was the first breath of autumn. There is always a day toward the end of summer when you get that first little breath, then it continues to be summer for another month, but not as hot as before, in general. This feels a lot like that but I know the climate is different and we'll have some hot days to come in Sept.
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Another turn of events found me at a front row table for the San Diego pops symphony doing a show last night. It had a Broadway theme. What a surprise. The singers that were featured were unbelievable. They are hotshots on Broadway and I can see why. Not many cities could have such an event under the stars on the waterfront at the edge of downtown. If the weather didn't screw it up, the ignorant sub human citizens would. Sorry, but I've lived too many places where the riffraff abounds and they have only outward resemblance to anything human. Their minds are something less noble.

You find a few cities out west which have the ability to conduct nice events without much trouble. I like the Caribbean as far as thoughts of hitting islands and the look of the water, but I like the Pacific coast for a place to be. I'm still pinching myself to be sure I'm really here, and happy. The abundance of misguided greenery and laws are scary, but even with that there is more freedom in some ways.

Must Be the Season of the Witch, again

I mean that in the most positive possible sense.

It is just that so many changes are in the air, some I can identify, and some I only sense. When things change with my friends, they influence my life. That is new, and I'm all for it. Often that leaves a space for me to fill which somehow serves a good purpose for them. When the status quo gets shaken, it is always accompanied by a tinge of fear of the unknown, even if excitement over leaving a negative aspect behind is there too.

I'm soon to become an official card carrying Californian, which is no real big deal, but it has connotations. West is where I am now, and with both feet. No more keeping one toe in TN, just in case. At my age many people think nothing is new and they are able to glide on, resting on the fruits of there continual efforts and such of the past. My life did not work out that way.

I'm beginning to wonder if it really was possible for it to have been secure and solid and filled with an abundance of offspring as I had hoped. Turning point after turning point keeps appearing in the path. The relief is that more and more I can worry about things in other people's lives instead of just hanging in my own vacuum. One thing I have plenty of is "me time". Some people crave that. Be careful what you wish for. At least set some conditions or you might find yourself in solitary confinement.

If I were to try to tell my own future, I guess I would have to be vague and say there may be a bit of travel involved, and government work is unlikely.

How It Feels to Play

Now I remember the only reason I ever started playing with bands, or at all. It was purely an effort to release something that I have never been able to release, or express. It comes and goes, that unquantifiable thing. I guess it is some sort of inner scream wanting to affirm existence. Crazy.

Most likely that is one scream that will never be heard.

When it doesn't matter, it seems to go away rather than burn.

I used to feel like I'd just explode into bloody bits if I couldn't let that scream out.

Playing was usually a physical thing, tied more to how it felt than how it sounded, although if I am not in the right key or those I'm playing with are out of tune, even one string, I can't do it.

Given that I was never able to spontaneously combust, there were moments when it was almost like an out of body experience in which I was hearing what I played as if I was standing or floating outside of myself. The playing would just happen as I rode some wave completely independent of the mechanics of making the sounds. That hasn't happened in awhile. I know the missing ingredient which seems to enable floating through the air on the melody but it is not something you can buy.

Either it comes to you or not.

That state of being I described is always what is being chased, and the hope of experiencing it, and hopefully with an audience of millions, is the main reason I bother. I honestly do not understand it, but that's how it feels.

I think I'll shut up for awhile.

That Terrible Thing Known as THE MIND

It is better to argue with one's mind than to let it go where angels fear to tread. Angels know what they are doing. And I know what happens when the mind has its own way. Calming that baby down is an art. If anyone can do it I can. After all, it is my mind. Nominally, in any case.

I can't help but wonder. Indulging the wonder should be reigned in to a moderate level. That I can do.

Why is it that when things are relatively far better than at points in the recent past I find myself thinking I should not believe it? Probably because everything in my life hangs precariously. Security is not my strongest asset, in a worldly sense, anyway.
Then again, if it is OK at this moment--it being life--it is only logical to accept it as is and forget what I don't and can't know. Maybe you get back what you put out, and keeping the good stuff going out is the thing to do. That is controllable.

Emotionally Speaking

Emotions can be a pain. They can wash over you, leaving you high and silly, but then what? What a pain. I like to know what to do with stuff. Feelings are for chicks and talk show hosts. Tough guys like me don't need feelings.

How do I feel? Who gives a damn? If I start delving into that, it can only lead to trouble. Passion and not much else are all you need. Whatever it is that enables one to prevail against great odds is good.

Yet, I tend to wax sentimental these days because of the fortunate things in my life. Both from the standpoint of how things happen but also who is involved. That's part of breaking away from long term isolation and a dirth of friendship. I do not blame that totally on the people that were around at the time, but I did notice that many of them urged me toward things which would clearly be to my detriment. So, I isolated the majority of the time and tried to work from the inside out to either dissolve, or discover the cause, of the self defeating feelings and actions.

Maybe a little of both was accomplished. There are things in life that take forever to get absolutely right. Progress is good enough.

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One thing that hits an emotional nerve is the talk of continuing the buyout of clunkers by the government.

It never ceases to amaze me how people, who have no idea what it is like to be broke and trying to get on your feet, claim to be helping the poor and downtrodden while they are pulling the rug out from under them.

They are using tax money to get affordable, disposable cars off the market. They end up in the shredder. It is allegedly a green initiative. The result is denying those of no means a means of mobility.

Encouraging debt if the person is lucky enough to qualify is another aspect of this. It is so far outside the realm of constitutional limits originally placed on the federal government that I cannot believe it is happening.

Most of what is happening is being railroaded through on some cult of personality with principle and ultimate freedom getting crushed. We have been under the grip of an oligarchy, at best, and outright dictatorship, at worst. It is abundantly clear to anyone who is not taken in by the wish to worship rock stars, or any other human being.

It is far from clear to those who enjoy the aspect of the cult hero and those who simply rebel against most of the voices of the alleged opposition. Sometimes I wish Republicans would shut up because they are so bad at reasonably stating opposition to the prevailing powers, and they invariably lose sight of pure principle themselves. That leaves people thinking you have to pick cool guy tyranny or doltish half truths. Too bad.

Opposition to what is happening is encouraging. The idea that it gets attached to the Bush idea of government is a shame. I opposed Bush on some things, particularly the creation of Homeland Security. It is not what makes us safer, unless you consider caging and corralling innocent citizens a good idea. I'm speaking in a broad sense there, not about the camps some claim exist---I have no clue if those do or don't exist.

I get emotional over the continued assault on free thought and free speech. Shades of early Cuba under Castro and Che are too evident for comfort.
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Mostly I get emotional when I see how life has smiled on me the past year or so. Despite all, I have experienced friendships and activities beyond any hopes or expectations. I feel like friggin Polliana. How did that chick spell her name, anyway?

YES!!! There is a God!! or something

The latest adventure which took in Vegas, of all places (you can have a great time there without gambling a dime if you know where to go) and a point north was as surreal and amazing as I could stand. These are most definitely the good old days.

My nephews figured in, briefly, to this excursion, and they seemed as happy and together as I've seen them. N2 was especially at his best ever, think. That is saying a lot because in the past I somewhat envied the balance and solidity that both seemed to possess in a quantity I'm not sure I'd ever achieved. And they were and are merely young punk, runny nosed kids, relatively speaking.

At the age of N1, I was recovering from two or three car wrecks in fewer month's time, found myself with no roof of my own begging a couch at the home for wayward musicians, and my mode of transport was my two tired feet. To see them building good relationships with nice women, in which mutual respect seems apparent, as well as doing OK on the financial front is a joy to me. One of us in my family per couple of generations is plenty enough to travel the sort of path I stumbled down.

I hope when they reach my age that they feel as content and happy as I do today. The future is uncertain, of course. Otherwise it wouldn't really be the future. Right now is quite an extraordinary thing. I just feel fortunate and I don't feel the need to place conditions on that feeling.

If I could explain the part of this adventure which entailed the northern-most exposure to myself, I might put it down here. All I know will be one of those landmarks by which I measure time and file memories. Some things defy explanation. It may be that certain experiences are of a nature which touch a part of the spirit too far inside to be verbalized or quantified. Efforts to do so just screw it up.

I will say that everyone from the two Ns to new people I met struck me as delightfully extraordinary, and my life was awash with one pleasant surprise after another. It is quite a gift when I come out the other side feeling like being me is OK, and I needn't lament the fact that I couldn't change the essence of that even if I tired.

That lament does sometimes haunt me. Not that I want to be what I'm not, just that I sometimes wonder if that dooms me to a destiny which precludes aspects that I'd rather it include. Regardless of what is down the road, I believe now that I am not doomed to that unless I chose to be.

On a musical note, I saw my favorite jazz harp player do a good show which included some spontaneous jamming. He pulled another harmonica wizard on stage and they blended like harp payers never do. usually when two or more harp players jam it is worse than listening to ice cream truck music. That is actually some version of affected CALLIOPE music.

Calliope was my new word for the weekend. I had no idea what it was but some smartass threw it out in a sentence as if any fool would know. Not to wane too far into the negative, but calliope music sucks. Apparently it was originally produced with steam passing through variously pitch train whistles. If that won't scare the cows off the track, nothing will.

So, what did I learn this trip?
That the ice cream truck music I despise is canned calliope music, that the Brick is a pretty cool tavern, that I have a good shot of thriving among the living, that I need supervision to properly tie my shoes or tape tin foil around a T shirt, and that there is sometimes blissful mercy on me from the powers that be.

This Dimension May Be Different than That One, But It is OK

Life seems so much like some kind of a dream, especially this past year, and right now. I like Seattle better than I did last year and it's about 150F in the afternoon.
I'm really impressed with N2's house which will be undergoing renovation for a long time, but is comfortable and feels right anyway. And his girlfriend who seems absolutely perfect for him. N1 is well and in good wit and his fiance is ready for the next phase. I enjoy them all. I even had my own friend meet them as we strolled the streets looking for weeds in the yards of others, and people to mug.

What an incredibly great trip this has been, starting this past Tuesday. I think it is still rolling well.

I see that the ins company was true to their word and has mailed the check already. Now fingers are crossed that I don't have to go to the supreme court for the deductible. Sherlock Holmes would see the value of my case instantly. Maybe even Larry Curly and Moe would get it. I expect the rest of officialdom, as it applies to me to do the right thing, even if it pains them to do what's right.

These are interesting days, and I like it.

Among the Living

This idea occurred to me recently, as I was deep in the throes of buyer's remorse, even though the new car drives and handles splendidly, --the idea came to me that in spite of thinking, "why didn't I take the money and run to the first high quality disposable car?", that it was all OK and life is just that way. OK the idea I never got to was that I am living life, whereas for years I felt as if I was stuck on the river bank never able to jump in and float along. That is what I told my friend, who pretended I was making sense.

So, I'm tempted to yell into my cell phone as I pace around, "I'M AT THE AIRPORT. NO, NO, NO, I WON'T PAY A PENNY MORE THAN 6 MILLION FIVE, DAMMITT!! YOU PEOPLE WANT MY BUSINESS YA GOTTA STEP UP TO THE PLATE.
TELL LEW TO SCREW OFF. AND DON'T CALL ME BACK UNTIL YOU GET REAL.
I'LL TALK to BRAD AND ANGIE LATER--
WHAT THEY THINK I'M ON CALL 24/7?
OK YEA, SELL OUT AT FORTY TWO SIX.
YA, YA YEP YA.
OK, HAVE THE LIMO WAITING IN VANCOUVER.
OK, GOTTA GO, YOU BORE ME"

Oddly at 7 or so in the A.M. in Las Vegas, not too many loud talking cell phone quackers (the guys who talk so it sounds like they are quacking, as they try to get the edgy bass thing going and sound eastern, urbane and hostilely business-like.

Geez I look up innocently and Ms g cup straight across the way, well my god, why don't you rent advertising ? She guarantees no one will miss them by her methods of display. More effective than little ad signs on the wall.

OK. Good she is on an earlier flight and now boarding. Seriously, I am as fond of the hoo ha concept as anyone, but I think it is a little better to have a slight choice in the matter. Don't stick those babies in the faces of strangers then bitch about men not looking at your eyes. It becomes almost uncomfortable trying to look elsewhere so you don't feed the problem. Subtle people can be appreciated much more thoroughly and subtly. That's a bit of wisdom you should teach your kids. Or your parents, if they are dense.

So, I am leaving Vegas, pronounced, VAY gus. Who would have dreamed I'd be here, after a day or two cruising the strip, pronounced THE STRIP, seeing an amazing show, riding the roller coaster from Hell, and not even flying home? Yep, I'm on my way to see the wizard. Sorceress is more fitting. I won't elaborate, except I am happy as something happy, to be going. One adventure after another.

The couple of days here were great. I was with friends, and someone's birthday was involved. It was one of the more wholesome Vegas trips ever, most likely. And I have to say, I like it that way. Getting drunk, gambling and making friends with the girls on the cards nice seedy gentlemen were passing out on the sidewalk, is not my idea of a good time. Maybe when I didn't know better that could all sound like fun.

It looks to me like a drunk could lose his money in a big hurry here. Mostly, people were just like normal people. Everyone in customer service is a cut above. People seemed friendly helpful and glad to be doing the job. Must pay well.

It's a fluke, like most of my life, that I was included on this venture. No fluke that I am flying out to see Ms ?. Although I have no idea when or how the plan was formed. I woke up one day and it seemed like this was in the plans for awhile. Life has really been great since I decided to change it for the better, and realized I had the chance to hit the road west.

Did It Again

No, not wreck. I rambled on with my views about public policy. Dumb. It is to no effect, so why do I do that?

Tomorrow I'm off on an another adventure with friends, then off on yet another to see a friend. I'm attempting to protect the innocent here. In any case I will probably have better connection than I do on Ballistic Mountain, and more of note to mention, however I doubt I will, just because it may not be the thing to do, and I won't have time.

This has been a rather bizarre couple of weeks. Maybe the whole month. I have a feeling the next 6 days will go much too quickly. That is because time is not a constant. Its velocity and nature vary a great deal.

It is mostly in the last year that I realize how easily I tend to bond with certain creatures. I guess I considered myself capable of of having some sort of telepathic understanding, but usually did not get friendly with them. I was pals with the downstairs cats in Memphis but I neglected that friendship more than I should have. Times were tough. I remember when there was just one and I'd agreed to drop in to say hello now and then, I'd go down and just sit with the cat by my side, pondering my world and wondering if I'd ever get out of the rut. It seemed to help to have the counsel and advice of the cat. She mostly just asserted that all we had to fear were shadows and floor creaks. I think she was right.

Nw I regularly see a couple of little dogs and a few cats. One cat, in particular, makes it a point to spend quality time when possible. We just seem to get along. Same with the most worried of the two dogs. I'm amazed how I can just gesture and the dog knows what is OK and what is not, and she cooperates. The other dog does OK but that one is not playing with a full deck. Very cute and harmless. Much has to do with what owners expect and accept. It helps when people understand the order of priorities in life forms.

Often, given the chance, domestic animals get the pecking order better than people who think dogs and cats are people too. They are life, and seem to think, but they are not human life. They have just made the choice to sell out for security in most cases. That's why so many are neurotic. Well, the fact that they take on the emotions of the owner contributes as well.

Anyway, I have grown very fond of these creatures. I take animals like people, on an individual basis. Not all of them are good, trustworthy or likable. Some are. People who say otherwise probably have never experienced the slightest communion with any living thing. They are just nuts and want to hide their hate for mankind behind a blanket love of even psychotic animals.

There I go. All I'm saying is that I like a particular few creatures, a lot. Why did I have to editorialize? I guess so someone wouldn't trivialize it into , "yea, all dogs are great and people suck" I've been in that discussion before.

Cash for Clunker Hoax

The unbelievably outside the Constitutional intent of government program called CARS came to my attention recently. It occurred to me that this is a move to encourage the exact same behavior that supposedly led to the economic woes we are now experiencing.

Personally, I think the fact that people have been borrowing more than they should is just a partial explanation for the trouble. It is hard to just list one thing without listing the 10000 ther things that led up to it. They focussed on the housing market, but the car market has thrived on people borrowing who shouldn't for decades. The most money is made off of shakey credit people who have become convinced that if they will finance it, buying is the thing to do. Then they end up in dire straits, often showing up on the news as a victim of the Man. They'll ay whatever as long as they get financed and someone tells them they can afford the payment.

It is true that those peddling wares on time to the greedy and ignorant poor do not go out of their way to educate these eager lambs on their way to slaughter. I say "greedy poor" because that is basically what they are. The lust for more than they can afford outweighs their good sense when the goods are waved in front of them, and conventional wisdom says, "it's ok, make payments". It is an easy trap to fall into. You tend to think things will fall a certain way later on and you'll catch up. I've been there.

I've also been in the spot of wanting to remain within my means, however meager, and in need of transportation. The smart thing is to buy the cheapest beater I can find which will serve the purpose. That is the responsible thing, not financing a car when times are tough. This government program is going to hurt people who want to make that decision. The availability of cheapo used vehicles will not be what it was as people decide to take more from the government toward a new, approved vehicle.

Those who have the means and the beater will take advantage of the money, and those with the beater and just enough credit to get approved will take the money. Once again, in the name of green and helping out the common people, a sneaky, regressive hidden tax on the responsible poor is born. Anyone of modest means trying to start from scratch.

The idea of using tax money to overpay for cars they want off the road is evil. Pure and simple. Those are the cars that help the people with less money, the ones trying to get off the street, those who are determined to get out from under burdensome debt. Exactly the opposite of what is claimed.

I hope those who can will resist participating. The big picture long term result is less mobility and independence for those of minor means, which inhibits their ability to work, better their lives or go live outside the urban areas where public transportation is the alternative.

Why there is such a lack of reverence for freedom and why everything from Bin Laden to CO2 has been transformed by political alchemists rob people of that, I do not know. Probably because those who are not hurt by these things really feel better when everyone else is under control and kept close to home.

Now I've convinced myself I should have found a cheap disposable car instead of what I bought. Dumbass me. I did not finance though.