Tempting is only a passing emotion

Context is everything in the world of tempts. There are times when I was glad I went along with it. However I've never regretted the times I did not give up when tempted to do so. Unless, of course, I gave up on an illegal, or otherwise unwise, plan.  

It has generally been touch and go as far as giving up on matters that many people simply take for granted. But, I have the advantage of not giving up under some circumstances when the average bear (always the damned bears) would have.  

In contexts of a positive nature, I've never regretted resisting the temptation to give up, and I've always regretted giving in to it. That may be the big obstacle to overcome in this life. When to hold 'em and when to fold 'em. One of those lessons that recur like a strange dream.  

It made me sad to see that sense of defeat overcome the New England coach when there was over five minutes left in the game against the Saints. I've seen even San Diego come back in similar situations. Certainly I would have thought they'd try. Instead he just threw in the second string and called it a day. Maybe there was good reason but I hate to see successful people toss in the towel without a fight to the bitter end. I'll have to keep that in mind for my own life.  

Pro football interests me this year. There are years when I don't pay attention. This year is good. I like the prevalence of clever tactics and abundance of outstanding quarterbacks. Also the mini dramas, like the incredible Favre revival. And the rise of the traditional pushover Saints.  

People can say what they want but I would absolutely go for it if I were young enough and talented enough that I had a shot at being a millionaire pro player. Any specialized highly physical form of entertainment is like that, I think. Getting paid for an adrenalin rush. Only a few achieve that level. Hence the big bucks. That, and the fact that there is a demand.  

I suppose the concept of nature and how supply and demand are forces of nature is not commonly given any credence by most people any more. It's just physics. Like differential pressure, nature abhors a vacuum and all that.  

I always thought that a silly saying, but they said it in science classes; nature abhors a vacuum. And I abhorred being in that classroom. That was when I realized that there was a whole cadre of science and math professors who would do anything they could to obscure the concepts being taught because it fed their ego to be over your head.  

The real tedium in those subjects is deciphering the code they use when teaching it. The material itself is not that tough. After all, someone else already figured the stuff out, proved the theories and derived the equations. One of those cases in which giving up is a mistake. A perfect chance to rob The (pompous science/math) Man of his cheap thrills.  

The Man comes in many disguises.  

Speaking of The Man and disguises, no need to give up on the misanthropic approach to climate just because some of the top dogs got caught jiggling data and scheming to silence inquiry and disagreement in the scientific community.  

One can go on hating his own species and supporting tyrants who despise individual freedom and the greatness of others. No need to give up on that just when the masses have been conditioned into dependence and subjugation.  

It is tempting.

Rain

Growing up in Miami, rain was a regular thing, especially the last week or two of school.   Every day at 2 or 3 PM it would pour.   The big fun was riding home on bikes with the hooligans in my neighborhood. 

Here in east SD county, it rarely rains.  Very rarely.  I think they have more fires than rain showers.   Except for today.  Today it is raining coyotes and bobcats.  Perfect.  Since I was feeling sorry for myself anyway, the backdrop is fitting.  

I wonder if the wash down off the hills is making temporary rivers over the road.  I know there are lots of places prone to that sort of temporary flooding.  Nowhere else for the water to go.  This is not the sort of land that soaks it in like a sponge. 

This deluge will help alleviate fire fears for a minute or two.  Fire is ever the looming fear in the east county.  It makes sense in a way, and not in another.  I would think there would be technological advances which would be in place to ensure that a fire did not spread but so far, at least in populated areas.   Not that anything out here is a huge population center.  There are towns and people though.

Some of the measures that ought to be taken are off the table due to misguided ecological concerns.  Let's risk life limb property and the bit of fauna and flora we seek to protect in the name of the fauna and flora we seek to protect.  Just as long as it puts humans at greater risk, everyone is happy.

I'm thinking there are ways to contain areas ahead of time to minimize potential spread. I have a few ideas on the subject.  I doubt I'll ever try to suggest them to the powers that be.  

My back yard is now a maze of tiny streams meandering their way down to the bottom of the canyon or bowl or box or cajon, whatever it might be called.   It follows no real pattern.  Much like my mind at this moment.

Peace and Grudges

Most likely it is a result of holiday magic.   Whatever the cause my mind runs back in time forward in time and everything in between, looking at things from varied perspectives. 

This was a good day and I can't relate for what I'm thankful because it gets too mushy and complicated.   You just have to keep some things this side of the edge or you fall apart.

Then I started thinking about some of my past lives, and there have been many just in this overall lifetime.   All of a sudden I realized I was not the cause of every situation that did not go well.   It hurt me then and it hurts me now, but I was mentally saying, "WTF did you expect?" to various people.   Really, until now I just assumed all was because I was or am screwed up beyond help.  That may be true, but what is also true is that people should not say they dislike this and that, then get upset because you don't provide this or that.  In some cases I guess certain individuals just didn't like this or that if I was involved.  Time proved that to be a lie if I take the original declarations literally, which I did.

It may be confusing no matter who you are.  I don't know how to pretend it isn't as well as a lot of people, or else it is less confusing to them.   Another of the reasons that I keep a substantial buffer in place between me and everyone.   Confusion when it comes to others, no matter how nice, is the main reason.  It works as a compensating mechanism, and life is all about compensating for one thing or another.   Like wearing glasses to correct astigmatism.   

You hear things often about how everyone has this feeling or that difficulty, but I think it is like eyesight.    Not everyone sees so well.  Depends on the item whether some corrective compensation device is needed.  To say everyone has to do that in some way is as unproven as saying no one does.  How do I know?

All I know is that in a moment of clarity I realized there are people who are at least as crazy as I am.   The difference is either awareness or ability to own up.  

I wonder what it is like to want stuff so badly that I would camp out on a sidewalk all night waiting for a store to open so I could give them my money.   I'm glad it isn't necessary to wait like that and vie for position just to purchase necessary items.  Yet. 

It is only healthy for one to briefly dwell on such things as the troubling parts of the past.  Accept the truth, and then let it go.   Maybe it is slightly sad and maybe it helps free a person to deal with tomorrow.  Whatever the deal it is a little scary.  It certainly makes risk look far less attractive.

Thanksgiving In The Ballistic 'Hood

Every once in awhile it hits me; how much different my life is now as opposed to a few years ago.  A very few years, so few it might be legitimately called a couple of years ago.

I'm not sure what happened.  I'm not the same person, yet I am.  My bad habits, doubts and demons followed me, but I think they lost a lot of their strength along the way.  That's the genius in zigzagging from Memphis to Dallas to Taos, here and there in CO, AZ and who knows where on my way to the first scheduled big stop--San Diego.   Apparently it was also the last stop.   I did zig zag again from here to Utah, and Co and all manner of places on my way to predetermined stop #2, far northeast Montana.  Things you don't need get lost along the way.

That made the big Montana zigzag pretty much the direct route, once I made it over Beartooth pass.  Always with the bears.  They don't have many bears around Memphis or Miami.  Maybe that is why you don't see signs there telling YOU how to behave because BEARS are hooligans.   I couldn't believe all the rules, regulations, and suggestions out west in regard to being sure not to make bears mad.  Talk about your privileged class.  Bears have more rights than anyone.

So, there I was on my way home from a day of working on a wodden garage door that will soon be the envy of the neighborhood.  I stopped at my favorite gas station and ended up talking to a young panhandler for about an hour.  This is not leading to one of those "but for the grace of God there go I" backhanded gratitude things.   

He did not appear to be doing all that bad and he pulled in several dollars while I was there.  "Hey there, do you have a dollar or some change?".  That's it.  People just handed over folding money.   I didn't give him any.  My pockets were empty anyway.  Almost empty.

We talked about somewhat philosophical things during the coherent portions of our discussion.   What struck me most was how much his view was tainted by what he imagined others thought of him, and by his own prejudgement of what others think and do.  I don't think he's yet figured out that everyone is some version of human, or at least a life form,  and that few if any really find life effortless.   Unique to him, I'm sure, he wants to be a rap star.  I've never seen that syndrome before.  That was sarcastic in case you are unsure.   But he claims he wants to change the world.  I'm not quite sure in what way.  

Maybe he's the real hope and change guy, not necessarily in that order.  He's got the change thing down; not just the folding money.  I liked him even though I am pretty sure he was putting on an act.  I'll bet he saw the movie,"the Soloist".   He was doing an imitation of that guy part of the time, or else he was similarly afflicted.  

It is not unusual for me to strike up conversations with the fringe elements in public places.  I regularly make out of the way acquaintances.  

Our conversation did cause me to realize how little anger I carry, relatively speaking.   For many years the anger was free floating and usually unfocussed, or else aimed at myself. 

Now I am surrounded by people who are convinced that I have some redeeming value without insisting I become someone else to achieve that status in their eyes.  Their quality, to me, is not even up for discussion.  It is obvious.  I've landed among very kind interesting people.  It is amazing.  Not that no one was kind in the past. Like I said, I'm not quite the same.  

In those days, everyone seemed to be trying to make me be different than I chose to be.  It was bit disheartening at times.  Of course any grown up ought to be able to shrug it off and not be vulnerable to such things.  Lack of self acceptance and a few other issues were undoubtably at play.  I was ready for the sanitarium, but they don't exist like in the old movies. 

At times, I am almost ready for the sanitarium, still.  Now, though, I wouldn't go out of my way to check in.  Before, I would have waited in line or walked ten miles, at least, for such an opportunity.  I'm sure I'd change my mind at the door these days.

Improvement and maybe some wisdom based on experience is all I can ask.  And, coincidentally, that is all I get.  I'm pretty amazed that there are days like this one.   The real difference is that I am glad to be alive, and not just using the excuse that I don't want to leave a chaotic house for others to clean up as my reason for not checking out.   There is a difference in finding lifelines to justify endurance and being glad to be here.

I'm usually glad to be here, even though I have no clue what my future holds.  That is not true.  I kind of see two general possibilities.  Neither includes the overwhelming sadness I felt for so long.

Did I mention that the weather here is exactly the way you would imagine it in Heaven?   I don't believe anywhere on earth has a more desirable climate than coastal San Diego county.  Here on Ballistic Mountain we have a little more variance, and I like that.  Drive 30 or 40 miles, and it is always perfect.  Best of all things, as long as there is fuel in the car and it runs.  

The really amazing part is the nature of the friends here.  It is nice to know you'd lay down your life for people if the occasion ever called for it, and know it would be worth it.  

Life in the Ballistic hood is magic, even if it comes with the usual unpleasant hooplah a Ballistic mind can generate.

Wild Turkeys

There was a time when I didn't mind the beverage Wild Turkey.  Things change, if you live through it. 

Not too far from my place there are wild turkeys strutting around as if no one ever has them for dinner.  Just today I watched a gang of 14 cruising the hills.  Too bad I didn't have my slingshot handy.  I could have fed some people and left a few to continue doing whatever it is they do in the back country.  I don't eat them but some people do.

It is a difficult day because the fact that I am still sort of dangling like a leaf caught in a spider web is bothering me.  These are self made issues and the way out is the same as the way in--self made.   I have a right to choose whatever scheme I can pursue, but the result is not a right.  

How did rights ever come to mean anything other than that?  I think the twist in thinking has been orchestrated by the tack controls and jobs have taken over the years.  Between the culture of highly placed companies in the lobby world, and the culture of over reaction to every hazard of life, one can easily feel shut out and squeezed to the point that enterprise seems useless, and cultivating passions feels like the stuff of lunacy.  

That's the trap and probably not one which is worth falling into.  That's what I try to tell myself.  I don't need to change the world, just manage a little bit of return for some effort which does not feed the monster.  Unlike that senator from Louisiana, I refer not to sacrifice values for power and fame.  

I was wondering what would happen if the health scam bill goes through since many people do not care to be forced into one of the insurance programs approved by The Secretary.   Since it is tied to tax reporting, it could create a subclass of tax rebels and drop outs.  

There may be little camps springing up in remote areas comprised of insurance scoff laws living in tents functioning in a cash or barter economy.   I kind of hope so.  There are those who have no intention of costing society if the get sick.  They may choose to pay if they can and refuse care if they can't pay.  Certainly millions do not care to deal with a middleman when it comes to medical choices.   I guess the word "choices" is used loosely, as it is less and less applicable under present conditions.  

What no one is addressing is the fact that under a better tax structure such heavy handed and totalitarian policies would not be so easy to force on the public.  There are ways to improve things and most of those go back to undoing the sort of regulations which now limit competition and choice, and enable ridiculous lawsuits.   What we are looking at is not what people believe or what those pushing this tangled web of special interest windfalls and favoritism claim.  

A species of conformity is not only pushed these days, but it is forced at gunpoint.  I'm genetically or organically incapable of keeping up with it or understanding it.  I understand how it has come about, but that is so against the flow that people would rather not admit it.  It is too dark and stupid.  Who wants to really examine the truth of matters which have been painted as holy and wonderful, only to find out they've been scammed?   I submit the policies of FDR, and even Teddy R.   

No country I can think of has ever been very free for long, but the structure of this one was a landmark in that direction; a government designed to operate within the limits of a document designed to protect the people from abuses, and designed to forever limit the scope of government.   Most other countries are formed around an ethnicity and an elite controlling class.  

Whatever happened in practice, we do have a country which was designed to remove the privilege of birth by leaving choices to the individual and legally ensuring the right to pursue opportunity and self determination.   It is only when the principles of the document have been ignored that difficulties got out of hand.   Business-government "partnerships" which have sometimes been touted, have no business existing in a free land.  Enforcing protection against force and fraud would have drastically changed the culture of mega corporations that has developed.   

Business is not bad, and neither are corporations, just for existing.  It is when specialized laws and class envy crumbs come into being which ultimately serve the firms who keep the spineless lawmakers in power.   Much of the population appears to have adopted a belief that companies are damned at birth; a sort of commerce version of original sin.  It borders on irrational superstition.  Just as the belief that all commercial firms are good is naive.  Again, without the IRS much of that corruption would be tougher to work.   Opportunity, as it was once envisioned, would thrive much more than it does now.   It is not that hard to see this truth.  There are other ways.  The Fair Tax is one such compromise if you have to have something different than the original system, pre-IRS.   

I know there is still plenty I should and could be doing.  The fear of not having the energy to do it or that I'd fail is amplified by looking at the big picture and the move toward the kind of oppression and corruption I witnessed in Cuba and Latin America many years ago.   When you have some security it is easier not to be too alarmed about the remote policy scams because you feel lie you'll still have some cushion regardless of all that.  I hope that view is correct.  

I do not want to see those who have something good established be inconvenienced by out of control collectivists.   Obviously, many already have been, as is evident from the lack of manufacturing and the prevalence of long time businesses closing their doors. 

Like any circumstance in which a group of individuals function, some property and activity is best dealt with as common area, with a set of rules and procedures adhered to be all.  It works best for people like me when that common realm is minimal and forever limited.  You see the point at which it ceases to be of maximum desirability in many condo associations.  People start grabbing power in order to serve themselves at the expense of those members in the minority, or just at the expense of anyone of less power.  

That thrill of making people do or not do according to your whims even when it does not truly affect you is quite glaring in that venue.   Otherwise I'd have kept the Memphis condo and continued to rent it out.  Not being in town, and not being able to fight arbitrary rules which kept cropping up, designed to serve a few who owned multiple units, made that plan totally unworkable. 

Now I'm in Paradise and trying to maintain some passion and appreciation.   It's that feeling of "now what?" and knowing that it is essential to form some definition of it that troubles me.   Another obstacle, related to the recurring obstacles in my life, to overcome.   I'll bet the good things are right in front of me and I'm so sidetracked, mentally, that I don't see them.

If I ate turkey and worried about feeding myself, I'd know where to go.

Rebellion?

It is enough to make one wonder, for a minute or two.  I find I brighten up when I see things like a picture of a Texas flag with the word SECEDE printed across it.  On my gig box, now my video stuff box I have a sticker with the Conch Republic's logo.   That is from the time when the Florida Keys were declaring themselves the Conch Republic and seceding from the union.  It was not entirely serious although a few may have wished it were.

Echoes of the days when I was labeled rebellious due to the content of my contributions in class discussions from elementary school on haunt me these days.  I find myself less and less on board with the sort of thinking and philosophy that governs anything I can do to make a living.   The big goal is to avoid letting the oppressive climate of the day prevent you from having dreams and having the nerve and faith to follow them.  

Under the present system I think it is best if your dream does not include hiring full time employees.  You get your ass kicked for that and you need to be prepared to pay for two or three if you hire one.  More and more you are responsible for the person's past history and compliance with laws you may not even like.  If the health care/slave state bill passes, it will be even more of a headache.  

I think the best things to be involved in are personal and home security, ammunition and firearms (lots of legal scrutiny and hoops there, though), and any technology that makes you independent of gas prices, municipal water supply, and utility companies.   I know there are plenty of marginally useful solar and wind systems for home power but it is the government rebate and subsidy that makes it affordable and worthwhile.  It would make me nauseous to buy a thing like that and take the money.  Maybe I'd do it and maybe not.  That is one area in which I think it would be OK to re-invent the wheel; another tag attributed to me when I wasn't being called rebellious. 

Actually, I don't think I am rebellious.  I just don't care to run the lives of others and I despise those who do.  

The most encouraging thing that has happened in years is the emergence of so many people who have reached the limit as far as being willing to be controlled and robbed.  I'm aware of the fact that I disagree with most of them on some of the finer points but the tone of rebellion and dissent under present conditions is not bad.   Some even openly suggest that the IRS be abolished.   That is my litmus test for any national candidate.  If the person does not suggest getting rid of this tyrannical agency then that candidate won't get my vote.

That agency is at the center of all the corruption in our government and its ever growing control over our lives.  It is at the core of what makes this health bill possible, and makes it possible to force participation.  Because it is the tool used for backhanded bribes and the "partnership with the private sector", no politician who depends on doing special favors to keep in office will broach the idea of the Fair Tax or anything else that kills this SS style agency.   

Ron Paul is the only one up there I've ever heard mention getting rid of it.   He's a bit liberal by my standards but he's close to the point.  It was his campaign that often used the slogan "Legalize Freedom".   Best slogan I've ever seen in politics.  

I've seen the ball rolling this direction all my life.  The pile of lies and criminal management is monumental.   The corruption and lies cost many lives in VietNam and elsewhere.  First we go in, then we tie the hands of our own soldiers.  It is criminal.   For awhile they use the term, "limited war", then it was "police action".  WTF?   I am not personally willing to risk my life for a vague police action, or a limited war.  The limited part means you are putting your own troops at higher risk for longer periods of time.  Do it or don't.  The mid ground is disaster. 

Anyway, I wonder what rebellion is in the 21st century.  We can't so easily claim the states and throw off our modern day King George.   For one thing, too many people are oblivious of any of it.  When it hits them they think only in terms of the item of the moment, not the principles being violated.  If they honestly believed in the divine rights of the individual they'd think differently.  People have no beliefs, on average.   Yet, on average, most people are not overly dishonest or mean or unkind.   They just sell out real cheap.

You Are OK, in my book

And you know I have a book or two.

I think you should know that I am almost out of that home made jelly.   Always a treat.  That is just one of the lingering benefits and treats that surround me because of you.   Not to mention the ideas that float around in my somewhat empty head. 

I may yet scale that cliff to retrieve the errant glider.  Now we know to draw in the missing eye on the pilot.  Otherwise he flies in a big circle and that leads him to crash.   Next time.  

OK.   Thanks

Unknown Bill Number, maybe 3290 or 420 plus acid

I tried like hell to filter through the new improved alleged affordable health care senate bill.   The mandatory part is tied to the IRS.  Any month that you don't have what they mandate you should have in the way of purchased coverage, they fine you.  being an IRS thing, I guess refusal is dealt with by putting you in insurance prison.  This is absolutely unacceptable. 

The bill takes up a couple of pages rationalizing in language straight out of old USSR double talk to justify why it is constitutional and better for the common good.  The basic argument is that insurance is interstate commerce and that by not opting in you are affecting the economy of the nation because it influences the risk pool of insurance companies, and insurance is economic and most carriers (they actually said most carriers) deal in more than one state so it is interstate commerce and a good idea for all. 

That sort of logic has no limit. It can be twisted to apply to almost anything.  No matter who you think ought to pay for medical services, this bill is not a good thing and won't make care better or more accessible.  It is a heavy cumbersome process for removing money and power from the people.  What they say, and what they are doing is built on a pack of lies, with many special interests being fed with the dollars taken from the public.  It may be hard to see but this is a measure which will further ensure that those locked in poverty and dependence will remain in that condition. 

How do you cast out tyrants in the modern world?  In the 1700's it may have been a little bit more straightforward.

Healthcare bill HR 3200 ????????

Often it is wise to search out the actual text of widely touted and discussed laws up for vote in Congress.  You absolutely can not go by the little snippets you hear regarding what the bill will do, what it includes, who is helped, etc. 

In attempting to find text of the bill as it now stands, the one passed to the senate, I am not sure I had luck.  I did find what was supposedly up for vote in the house, Nancy Pelosi's "Christmas present to the American people. 

If I were to flow chart the text it would look like a maze which tracks back on itself and loops through other mazes as well.  These things are not designed to be overly clear or straight forward.   

The most glaring aspect is that the actual parameters as far as co-pays and how competition is treated are vague and mostly at the discretion of "the secretary" or a particular commissioner.  Other aspects will be up to a board appointed by the president.   In short, it is more a bill which transfers power rather than actually specifying how things would work. 

Much of the oversight seems to involve other agencies, such as the IRS.  

Regardless how one feels healthcare and insurance should be changed, I think this particular effort is geared toward a very serious power play and intrusive invasion into private lives and industry, not toward actually providing one more access and freedom regarding how he maintains his health.   I see hints that even pre-existing conditions may not be as fully covered as it sounds.  

Perhaps some of the more catastrophic types may be, provided you aren't real old. I doubt things in the realm of an old sports injury would be given priority if you aren't all that young or in great need; just something you'd like fixed because you want to go hiking or whatever.   

Anyway, it would be nice to see in plain English the true content of this legislation.  It looks like a lock for certain companies to make money. and extension of executive branch power and a tremendous amount of authority put in the hands of officials who are not elected by the people whose lives they would influence.

Privileged

Just a pic from the movie site thejourneythemovie.com

There are lots of movies titled "The Journey".  This is not the one about the Indian lesbians, their trials, tribulations, and forbidden love.  Although that does sound like a must see. 

More on The Journey I'm reviewing a little later on the page.

===============

The term "under privileged" begins to take on new meaning when you think of all the licenses and permits there are for the various aspects of conducting a life.   If passing the test and getting a license to drive is a privilege, not a right, then I assume every licensable activity is a privilege, not a right.  

Did you know that you have to have a license to own a cat or dog in some towns?   Actually the cat or dog has to have the license, similar to the plates on your car, I think.  Owning a cat is a privilege, not a right.   And this is separate from being sure the animal has shots and all that.  At least one vet who performed all those tasks then reported the owner for not having a creature license.   

This probably makes sense to plenty of people, and they might lecture me about how that $70.00 fee goes toward animal control or maybe lawyers who sue humans on behalf of other living things.   Once again we disagree in principle.  

So, wanting to be even more privileged than I already am, I set out to get my library privileges here in the best of southern California.   I presented my case to the local library in the town northeast of me.   Very small town.  There is a school, a feed and saddle store, a sort of general store, and the pizza and other food diner.  And the library.  Very small but their computers were all being used.  They have about six of those.  I was impressed.  

It all went without a hitch so I checked the shelves and found a book and a movie.  The movie is an indie film which I highly recommend.  It claims to be in the tradition of Motorcycle diaries and Y Tu Mama Tambien.  I am no fan of Motorcycle Diaries, being a bit more sympathetic toward those Cubans who did not deserve Che's firing squads than I am toward Che, or Fidel.   

This film, The Journey, is not supposed to be about any historical figure or T shirt icon.  It is simply a good story, with better directing, and much better acting than the Motorcycle Diaries.  Much more real without trying, even though some was anything but realistic. 

It was directed by Scott Marcano, who also co-wrote the story.  This film makes me want to see what else he has out there.   Andres Londono and Kazandra Santana do well in the lead roles as do the supporting players.  The soundtrack is not bad at all.   I'm a sucker for most films set in Mexico with a Latin soundtrack.  This one begins in Orange County, near Los Angeles, with the last 7/8 of the flick occurring in Mexico.  

I know that due to Motorcylce Diaries fame and misguided praise, they think it will pique interest by categorizing this independent flick as being in that tradition, but to me that is like marketing Renoir as being in the tradition of the guy who paints tigers on black velvet.

So, I got a license to read and watch movies for free.  Not owning a pet, I figure maybe they charge pet fees that pay for the library, who knows?  I am not sure they put license plates on animals yet in CA.  There is absolutely no way to keep up with the various rules and peculiarities.  The license to be a cat thing came to my attention when being told of a story set in a Wisconsin town.  

Strange how places settled by very independent people who did not to be told what to do eventually became insane "What if" nanny states.  What if you fall of your bike on your head?, etc.

Now that is appears I may not be overdrafted at the bank, I am able to notice the cool setting in which I live.  It was all new and somewhat out of my dreams.  I can hardly imagine living in a place with no mountains and hills and curvy roads which drop hundreds of feet on one side, while hugging the side of the hill on the other.   And no large body of water nearby.  

In this case, we have about the largest body of water found anywhere, the Pacific Ocean.  I'm still somewhat fonder of the Caribbean as far as oceanic locales, but ocean is ocean, so this serves the purpose.  It is big, and here we have sea lions, seals whales, and more surfers than you might guess. 

Company was here and now is not.  I don't have a host permit or license, but it was a privilege.   Like Muddy Waters said, according to something I heard, "You don't miss the water until the well is dry".  I miss having my company here, believe it or not.  I know.  That is so unlike me. 

Now I have great leftovers which might last a few days.  I actually had a healthy super dinner tonight.  Left to my own devices I rarely manage to do that. 

This ballistictour thing has been a long term healing journey.  It becomes quite clear to me at times just how much of me was whatever unhealed is.  In that context it makes sense not to get too impatient with progress in the various aspects of living my life.  I'm not quite sure what happened but it becomes amply clear that I am re-learning a lot.   Maybe I am learning what I never knew before, but should have by the time I was 20. 

This is going to be a slim Christmas.  No big Santa this year.  I do what I can, when I can, and I certainly don't expect or want others to offer anything beyond good cheer. 

I was beginning to get down and worried, but I think maybe I ought not do that.  Too much that I am happy about, and as always, too many people to be thankful for to be moping from concern that I don't rate it.