Most People Would Have Scoffed at those We Celebrate

I was thinking about all the smarmy bastards who think freedom is too much for the common man, those not quite so bright and enlightened as themselves. There is always a rationalization for elitist philosophy.

It comes as a shock that when I consider friends and relatives, how many would never have crossed that line toward independence. They would have reasoned that it was "not that simple", "not for the greater good", or maybe a crime against nature. Very, very few of the people I know are of the philosophy that had to be in place for that big break. Especially since it was such a gamble. Most of them lost homes, family, fortune in the process.

I've worked jobs in which someone wouldn't risk a minimum wage position to do the right thing. There's an abundance of snitwits in the work place who will sell their souls just to make a couple of brownie points more than their coworkers. No way I can imagine these people being the stuff of freedom. That is not what put this place on the map. Too bad so few realize that "this place" refers as much to a concept as a location. The fact that life and liberty weren't privileges granted by the state, but part of nature, was a huge twist in the way people had thought about things forever.

Too bad we never really shook the feudal system as time went on. It is sad. The stupidity and smallness of people allows the perpetual, never ending, ever intrusive con to keep on gaining steam.

Most in the public eye, in entertainment, news, politics scoff at anyone who shares the philosophy of those who sought to create a nation of free people. We are well on the way back to being serfs, subjects of the manor, slaves of the state. Some of these things are subtle but real. I don't even think it is subtle, but I am hypersensitive to uninvited external controls.

So, hopefully you can celebrate the birth of the nation without choking on the word "freedom", knowing that it has to be used in something other than the literal sense. I celebrate the fact I've made it another year without working for the government or seeking public grants or enjoying public assistance. Dependence leads to disappointment and trouble. Just look at how dependence on the feds for disaster relief and approvals helped the gulf. Until recently all offers to help contain the mess were refused. States couldn't get permits to do things themselves in many cases.

Too good a crisis not to let get out of control first. That's how it works when you put all your trust in the most corrupt institution ever conceived by man---people having authority over others, and the means to use force to ensure that power hierarchy. Many groups are so steeped in ignorance, petty greed, class envy and false sense of power that they willingly give up every real right thinking they are gaining security and wealth. Useful idiots.

Live free or die. That's how it works, figuratively or literally.

Confidence Lost; worse than the mind

It has occurred to me that I tend to lose all confidence in my ability to view and recognize reality, and often, my ability to do anything. This is stupid. It shows that the beat downs of life have not been shrugged off yet, going way back.

So many times I will be dealing with some task or effort, thinking "I don't know if I can", then I get fed up and just think, "screw that, do it!" and I do. Sometimes that angry push does not kick in, and I do not do whatever. The point is that the confidence, when there is well founded, and the doubt can sabotage the deal.

There are those who have a false sense of confidence--nothing backing it up. I do not want to be that. Being too steeped in self doubt is just as bad. Two sides of ignoring reality.

Just thinking, that's all. Playing a clean single note version of the national anthem on diatonic harmonica, with no mistakes should not be that tough. Only one awkward bend. However, it is a tough one to get perfect.

Time to Grow..

RICH.

OK. What I do is fun, you get high without realizing it, and not many people bother you. There are birds chirping, flowers blooming, and the general ambiance of the work place is like a very peaceful rest home with no one around.

However, if I am to make enough money to keep alive in the future, collect trophies of various types, and achieve the freedom I seek, I must do more with my life.

If you were any kind of friends you'd suggest directions I could take which would yield satisfaction, a fortune, and generally soothe my restless soul. In what way could I employ my many unidentifiable talents toward this end?

Winning suggestion gets 9.2% of my future net profit for three (yes, 3!!) years.

Out in East County

Here's a sample of the sort of emails you get in this neighborhood:

subject: rattlesnake vaccinations

For those neighbors who had th first of two rattlesnake vaccines for your dog at the fork in the road, we’ll be able to administer #2 of the vaccine on Saturday, July 3 at 8am at the fork in the road. The vet who was due to be here two weeks ago has had a family emergency, but he has passed the serum on to Lori ...

It goes on to explain that the vet who shot up the dogs last time and can't make it, passed the dope on to Lori* and some chick* who is a veterinarian tech student who will be able to do the job. At The Fork In The Road, of course. That is where the long dirt road which winds its way up here by means of several switchbacks divides into two parts; the one which goes straight and the one that curves left past my abode.

*It is assumed that everyone knows Lori and the other dame. I have no idea who they are. I'm not part of the inner circle and the cool clique here, obviously

My question is this: If dogs can get a vaccine ahead of time, why can't humans? and..what would be the side effects? If it is merely slurred speech, I can see why dogs wouldn't care. I bet they shouldn't operate heavy machinery.

I've seen several flyers out this way, at the Descanso post office, and in Alpine, for classes to teach your dog not to play with rattlesnakes. I feel ignorant. No one taught me anything about how to be rattler savvy. Between bears and rattlesnakes, I'm wondering if I should be re-thinking this life as Western Man.

So, if one brings me coffee can we be friends?

In California, Anything is Possible

The figure below is life size, at least. That is assuming a man with a bull's head would still be the same size. I think it may be a statue of one of the people who employ me. The one I've never met. I met his girlfriend. She is an interesting sort--writes porn for women type stories. Apparently has a publisher and gets paid. With his money she wouldn't need to get paid much.



It's there at the entrance so you know who you are dealing with before you enter. I'm not sure if he is always there in the buff, however stranger things have happened in CA. Given the fact he does lots of business in Arab countries, I wonder how his appearance strikes them, especially if he goes around like that. People are probably careful about calling him on his BS. I wonder if he has ever gored anyone.

I do find the most unusual people, and I don't even try. It just happens.

Another Day Out of the Fog

Praise be, and pbuh, etc. You don't really miss some things until they return, then you realize what you were missing. That's they way the mind is.

The difference is astounding. Every task I performed today seemed accomplished with so much more clarity and awareness. I did not have to strain to monitor every move just to be sure I wasn't about to throw a can of paint in the pool, or cross two lanes of traffic with cars beside me. For the last six weeks to varying degrees I've had to triple and quadruple check every move, or most it seems.

That cannot be right. Whatever the deal, it was delightful to feel so much more aware and on the ball. I fear it may be a cycle and that I may have entered a new era. Maybe yes, maybe no. At least I know if I get fogged in, the wheel is likely to come back around and things will change.

In other irrelevant news, the tourmobile is ready for its first long haul road trip. All we need is the money to do it and off we go. I may add an after burner, turbo charger, and maybe some sort of rocket boost, just to speed things up in case I leave under time constraints. If someone would pay me a few thou real quick just for being, then I could go while it is still warm in Taos and CO, and I'd include them as well as points south I have in mind. Got relatives and such in the great state of Texas so that is the number one priority for a visit. Everything else is subject to factors too numerous and unknown to list.

All of a Sudden I Don't Feel Comatose

For the last month, at least, I felt progressively brain dead. Moreso than usual. Way more. It was exhausting in an odd way. This one was new. It wasn't like the traditional fog which waxes and wanes, although the symptoms of the relief when it lifted are reminiscent of the cycling syndrome of the past. I learned to ignore the highs and lows.

This time it seemed like whatever is in my brain was locked away. Just this weekend I realized I could not remember simple things like which side of the plate goes the fork? Now I know, and that sounds silly. It is just an example, but something that bothered me because it is a thing I know and can normally picture from experience. That scared me a little.

Then today my senses slowly returned. I feel almost clear. By the end of the day I realized my head was no longer filled with molasses. It is quite an extraordinary thing when relief comes, and you can't even put a label on what is being relieved. I'll bet my IQ is now back up to that of a human. For awhile there I felt that snails were outwitting me and making fun of my slow mental capacities, behind my back of course. Snails are sneaky cowards and totally lacking in compassion.

Whatever was going on, I hope that is the last of it, or at least the last of experiencing that degree of inability to connect with my brain. Maybe I have been too exposed to fumes of various varieties. I finally removed some things from my car which gave it a fumey aspect when the windows were up. There could be a correlation. I wouldn't want to think it was an actual organic malfunction.

Time, once again, to stop sniffing glue.

Relief is a recurring theme in my life. I am always thrilled when it happens, and I often am in situations which weigh me down or wear me out, then comes the salvation and relief. It is not always related to being temporarily out of touch with my normal thought process. Some of those times were rather dark. The beginning of relief is usually pretty clear cut. Getting out of that pit I was in before leaving Memphis was a huge deal. I remember the night it turned the corner and starting moving in the right direction. It took about a year to get out after that. I was in deep. That was a huge relief. A gift.

This time I don't have to become cautious due to feeling unreasonably euphoric. That last episode was something different. It may be good I don't have easy access to the medical world. I am pretty sure I'd be undergoing a zillion tests and taking pills, and not feeling better in the long run. If you ask, the medical world will do their best to fix whatever bothers you, even if you'd be better off just dealing with it without chemical, or other, intervention.

Not everyone is better off without pills and such. I am, unless something new crops up. It took doing the rounds to figure that out. A lot of years. At least I have hard evidence which proves I don't imagine these foggy periods. That is worth more than any treatment I ever had for it. I just don't like it when the slo-mo periods change their nature. Then you worry that something new is in the mix. Unless things became really serious it is best just to ride it out I think.

If most drugs were legal and you could get what you felt you need over the counter, I might use some ritalin or the like temporarily in a fog like I had. And it would harm no one. Not worth the time and trouble to mess with the industry for it. Should be legal--even cocaine, and opium. They have their place is you don't become an addict. I see no reason a doctor has more rights to decide what I buy than I do. Indirectly, it is actually the government deciding what you can choose for yourself. It would be a lot cheaper to bypass all the middle men.

So, there you have it. I would decriminalize possession of any drug by an adult. Now, being hazardous by driving or whatever is a matter for peace keepers. I doubt you'd have any more issue with blitzed fools making trouble than you do now. People fear freedom. They are convinced the Lord of the Manor knows best. Unevolved souls; they just can't let go of the feudal system. Willing slaves of the state who are convinced the rest of humanity is incapable of making their own decisions. Always a rationalization for fear of freedom. Always has something to do with the hypothetical greater good.

Sand in My Shoes

A Miami friend once told me that it is unnatural for a Miami boy to be long away from the ocean. He said, "Once you have sand in your shoes, you never get it out", r words to that effect. The sand in your shoes part I know is verbatim. All the other words may be off. The point is there.

It is somewhat true. I've lived long periods away from the ocean, but always managed to get my sea fix at intervals. Today was one of those times. Just get over there to hear the surf and breath the air. I was not set to go in the water. CA water is not warm like it is in South Florida. But the waves are better and most beaches here are better; not little skinny strips of sand like a lot of FL beaches.

I like the quiet and remoteness away from the crowd, but if money were no object, I think living by the sea would be hard for me to resist. Fortunately, where I live, I can get to mountains and to the ocean easily. Not something that takes all day.

Maybe I should set as a goal the ability to secure adequate digs in an ocean area and in mountains. I'm still partial to semi tropical islands, but so are half the gazillionaires of the world, and they tend to cause prices to go way up in those areas. Their influence in the keys means those who work in the Florida Keys can rarely afford to live there. They bus in workers from the mainland every day. Nuts. So, how can I become a gazillionaire without having to rub shoulders with too many of them?

Maybe that is too big a quest. You never know, and it doesn't pay to believe it is impossible. It is not the money, but what the money can do. Every once in awhile a gig shows up which puts once into situations and lifestyles he could never swing with his own limited resources. All the perks, none of the responsibility and headaches of ownership and schmooz politics.

I like the coastal scene, particularly in warm climates. But, I also like this scene in the low mountains where you can see hawks flying at eye level off the back deck.

Maybe it is just because I am thirsty all the time lately, and large bodies of water are attractive as a result. I feel like I'm drinking gallons of water. I'm a wateroholic. You can get good purified water for .25 /gal. and it tastes great. Water doesn't really have flavor. Not pure water. Supposedly not. I like the way it tastes anyway, and the way it feels going down my throat.

I don't think most people have that desire for water. Not in the quantities I crave. It's been awhile since I was this consistently thirsty. I was like that as a kid, then I learned about alcohol, and tried to somehow transfer the thirst. The consequences of water and alcohol consumption in large quantities are far different. Who knew?

OK, so it must be a primal urge that causes me to be drawn to the ocean and prepared to drink it up if it weren't so salty. One day it will all make sense. Probably not today.

I can run but I cannot hide...

from myself.

The War on Poverty has actually proven to be war on individual enterprise, a war on opportunity, a war against those who might escape poverty.

The War on Terror is, in large part, a war on the innocent, a war against individual freedom, an excuse to abuse those it deems to protect.

The War on Drugs is a war to ensure their proliferation, a war on individual liberty and a vehicle by which organized crime and violent gangs proliferate. It is a war to assure that the traffic of drugs remains under control of selected entities.

My war against self defeat has become one of a war against self acceptance. But I'm not that bad, I don't think. Not sure. I fear screwing up even the most minor of responsibilities, commitments and obligations. I'm a slack citizen.

If I could run fast enough, long enough, I could escape all that worry. If I had a vehicle and means to spend all day racing away at hundreds of miles per hour, dawn to dusk, then I might be able to sleep at night, but only if the next day was spent the same way, racing on too fast for me to catch up.

It is a guilty thing, self pity and loathing. Look around at those who would love to have a roof over head, arms that ache, legs for walking, eyes to see, etc. What a whiner I am sometimes. Go, be no more the stoopit idiot, or at least forget complaining about it. Some people would love to have the luxury of such idiocy.

Maybe avoidance of all is best

It must be the recent contact with a long lost friend that is bringing this on. That sadness which chases me through time has come back. Remembering things long forgotten, people long gone, and misguided choices and bad judgement whose influence seems never ending is like a death sentence. Try as I have, it never quite clears out completely, or enough.

I know that all there is is from now on, and that time spent fretting over what can't be changed is not sane, but knowing and convincing the involuntary reactive mechanisms of the body are two different things. Perhaps the pervasive waves of disconnect from life are an inheritance. It is my job to carry the sadness. That doesn't sound like any job I'd voluntarily seek.

Maybe it was like the draft; no choice--your duty is to give over your life for a cause which is unclear and probably not founded in anything honorable or right. Who would have thought I'd now be siding with the sentiment of those who shouted, "Hell no! I won't go"? What about loyalty and fidelity and allegiance? Holy smoke. That is what got me into this mess.

Misplaced, blind allegiance can destroy a person. It is the stuff of dysfunction. That is what keeps a person in an atmosphere of abuse, becoming an accessory to his own demise. (or her, for those unaccustomed to universal pronouns) One thing for sure, the path of one's life can be irreversibly altered when one succumbs to loyalty in the face of deceit, treachery and misguided use of power and control.

The real result of being so steeped in the pain and clouded vision of others is that you lose all sense of your real self. You become someone you are not. At least you try like hell to be what you aren't. That can happen, anyway. And it often does. People like me spend a lifetime attempting to fit where they don't, and get good enough at it that from the outside it is rare that anyone else can see the root of the problem. It just appears like I do what I want, and that I have some need to drop it all and start over every five or ten years, or less.

It all hit me like a tidal wave today. Talking to Jonathan brought back choices made trying to escape the insanity of my life. Many of which were due to the constant threat of the draft looming around the corner, yet being a draft dodger was taboo. Being almost anything was taboo.

In the realm of seeking approval, it was drilled into me that being other than an officer in the Air Force was no good (if you were in the military), being drafted was a failure, and avoiding the draft was a cardinal sin. To do it over, I'd have ignored the draft altogether. I certainly couldn't picture myself in ROTC. Nothing wrong with it, but I am not the stuff of a military based on obedience rather than clear cut reason. I had no desire to be in the military unless it was a case of clear cut defense; a definite principled cause felt at my core. Some people are not that drawn to the military and its culture. I wasn't, except to the idea of flying Navy or Air Force fighters--carrier landings would have suited me. So, for me, the Air Guard. I thought it was the state militia. Obviously those days are gone.

Armed forces do have cool machines and amazing training. The feats the special forces of various branches can perform are nothing short of amazing. The direction from the top is nothing short of criminal, I'm afraid. But that is not the issue here.

I snubbed the people I really should have befriended and gravitated toward those who proved to be duplicitous and lacking in honor, integrity and, often, intelligence. That set the stage for a meandering mess of good efforts overshadowed by bizarre lapses in judgement. The life of an idiot.

I keep trying to convince myself, "Go. Be an idiot no more", but I am not clear enough to know how. It puts a wedge between me and my family in some tacit way. I feel like the loser among them. They appear to be less burdened by the ghosts of their own ineptness and stupidity. I stand out like a sore thumb. They'd like to believe I just travel to the beat of a different drum, and I do. The problem is, I have never quite found that rhythm.

This sort of feeling tends to paralyze one, and I get sick of it. Writing it out has helped relieve the pressure some. The number of people in my bracket, who have slipped between the usual categories we're told is normal, are legion. I know that. Many guys are floating around wondering that they are so distant from the path we were taught is normal, healthy and right.

Many of us are not convinced that the prescribed path is really what is best, yet deep down it is ingrained, still, that not following it was a sin never to be forgiven. We try to pretend, at times, that our road is not one of failure, but of choice and creativity. Bold travelers, living a life of freedom. Not without a tinge of self pity and woe over being victims of whatever.

We are not sure where we should be, what we should be doing, but there is that nagging feeling that this is another enterprise into idiocy and self destruction. I said "many", not "all" of us feel that way. There are those who don't fit the usual cubby holes who know who they are, and why, and have no qualms about it. They are fortunate.

This is why people have spiritual beliefs and practices. Without some kind of faith in something beyond us, we'd have no hope of tolerating ourselves. Self loathing run riot. Maybe that is the real psychology behind gangs, addiction, and groups who use causes to make life hell for others as they suspend decency in the name of some greater good. That last category is a sneaky one, but rationalizing reasons for self righteous anger, then using that rationalization to act out at the expense of others is definitely a detrimental activity to the health of the race.

Just a rough day. I'll get over it. What is in front of me may not be what I think should be here at this point in my life but it is the best I have. Thinking beyond the immediate is not something I can do at the moment with any constructive clarity. Dealing with the immediate, trivial aspects of life is the best hope, and essential to making things better.

I live like a hitchhiker, never knowing for sure what is next or if I will ever get from A to B. You just live on faith that somehow you will arrive.