More About The Northwest

At long last I finished the biography of John McLoughlin. I mentioned previously, in a post that may have been too long and opinionated for anyone to read, that missionaries had been most ungrateful and holy men stole his land out from under him.
(in fairness, it should be noted that the Catholics played it straight with him)

That part is true, however the rest of the story restored my faith in America. The territorial legislature in Oregon could not override the federal land decree which had a specific clause robbing John of that which was his. However, they knew he was right and managed to avoid enforcing it. When they became a state they found ways to restore a good portion of it to him and his family. He was out of life before it was all settled but it was in the works.

Not only that but they issued some sort of thing naming him the father of the Oregon territory or something to that effect. He saved countless lives through his generosity and general ability to act in a crisis. They also have a statue of him in DC. Each state gets two. Oregon chose him and the missionary who was closest to being his loyal friend, although that guy wimped out when he should have really stood up. I guess that guy had some redeeming qualities. I'd have chosen someone else but I wasn't there and even now I do not live in Oregon or Washington--the two places whose beginnings he influenced.

If nothing else this man's life was one of pure perseverance. He definitely had a temper and that is what landed him with the fur trading companies. Long story but it involved a very just smacking down of an arrogant British officer who mistreated a woman. In that day, if you weren't in a higher station in life, knocking an officer down in the mud was trouble for you whatever the reason. In some ways life hasn't changed when you consider the M.O. of the El Cajon branch of California Highway Patrol.

Anyway, to some degree justice prevailed and to the benefit of surviving family, the man is remembered as a hero and cornerstone of settlement in the Northwest. It is also possible he prevented another war between the Brits and the USA. At the least he made it less likely at a highly tense time.

Good to see some recognition given a guy who did what was right even though he royally irked his employer, the Hudson's Bay Company, and at times local settlers, in the bargain.

i forgot

There was a great idea. I was eager to write about it. Then I got together with G2 for a half band practice. Now I don't know.

It was not so long as the last one and less politically incorrect and revolutionary. But what was it? I don't know

Oh well

Maybe Age Is What Makes Things More Interesting

Many years ago, getting interested in Northwest American history due to reading a rather scholarly biography of Dr John McLoughlin, would be somewhat unlikely. Now that I think of it, I believe that was because I had not yet learned to compensate for whatever it was that made reading tedious and almost physically painful. In school I faked it, and because retention of what I could finish on tests was high, I scored as if I could read well and had read a lot. So much for tests, they often miss the boat. Then again, many of my friends were relative illiterates so I guess it is all according to scale.

One thing this latest reading brings up is my view that people and culture have changed. Corruption, skullduggery and the like have been with us a long long time, but other behaviors were not so prevalent or acceptable as they are today, in my opinion. People were, in the main, tougher and had a stronger code of personal values. At times those values included not so valuable tenets but a code is a code. We are whinier. And way more sissy in that people sue if they fall down or something breaks or they spill coffee, or if the operation has complications (Thanks John Edwards, you worm head)

It is interesting that this biography by necessity contains a lot about the Hudson's Bay company and other fur trading concerns of early 19th century and beyond, as well as life in the Northwest before the US and the Brits could decide on boundaries. They both had access to ports, such as they were, and regional governments were not in the picture until just prior to the gold rush. Even then they were minimal, as all government should be. There was more inter dependence and voluntary interaction between local tribes and traders than is probably thought. It was an interesting dynamic all the way around. But when more people came, and Oregon became a territory, there were some real slime ball maneuvers. Not that all was roses prior but now they did it "legal".

To many of the churchy folks it may be a surprise. Not to me. The most two faced and treacherous of the people were the missionaries. Even the good ones failed to completely stand up to their greedy thieving brethren.

Those holy impostors were helped, given land, basically rescued because they arrived so haggard, yet when opportunity arose they really put the screws to their benefactor for personal gain and power. Lawyers took advantage as well, as soon as things went under US jurisdiction. They lied about certain matters and got some sucker to pass ill informed bills in Wash DC, and by the time the news got back to affected parties, it was too late to set the record straight.

Slooowww turn around time on communication.

Same tactics are in play today. Although some methods have changed. No wonder they want control of the internet and cry about bloggers.

Which reminds me that newspapers wanted federal bailout. haven't heard much about it in a few months. What a crock. There'd certainly be no barrier to dissent and honest reporting by organizations funded by government.

There are too many thought provoking items which this history provides to list at the moment. I can't help ranting on about some of them.

Biting the hand that fed you is a syndrome we see daily. Much of the dialog which labels "the rich" as villain is just that. Most families making 250 grand are not in any way exploiting those of us who make less, and they are already paying way more tax than I do. That BS that existing tax cuts gave them a bigger break than your average resentful worker is simply false.

All previous cuts did was rape them with a somewhat smaller organ, reducing the pain slightly. It's still rape, so those who buy into class envy and hatred can continue to feel good even if they cut taxes a little more.

I'm so sorry most people fail to understand the concept of federalism(or think it is irrelevant to them), why states were supposed to be more autonomous and the difference between true state rights and violation of basic individual rights. Just because an issue goes under a particular label does not make that label accurate or legitimate.

For example, I disagree with Lincoln's view regarding states having the right to secede from the union, however no one has a right to force other humans into involuntary servitude. Slavery is not why that war was fought. It was a bizarre factor used more as a military tactic. Territories ready to become states were ready to fight rather than be slave states. Like always, kernels of truth cloaking bushels of lies. But on the point of secession--this ain't the damned Mafia. is it? When you can't quit the club without someone pulling a gun, you know you're in the wrong club. What a dilemma at that point.

Why do we trade with slave states and give them power in the UN? Maybe because now, like then, wars and policy are motivated by something other than ideals and a sense of right and wrong, (yet claims of idealism are often made as these activities go forward). The UN is an unworkable bullshit concept anyway. It ignores the reality of over centralization; that it leads to diminishing returns and exceedingly increased corruption, tyranny, and death. Since the inception of that corporation we have never quit being at war. Except we didn't call it that in all cases.

So hard to accept the truth of it. If you say a war is or was a scam and not noble, it casts a shadow over the sincere soldiers who gave it all for their country, many of whom performed nearly super human acts of heroism. But that emotional loyalty and empathy for good people in the military clouds the truth; which is that unscrupulous people in government have been abusing their position to use the armed forces for purposes other than the defense and security of the nation. I think most people know that is true, deep down, but admitting it has many tough psychological ramifications. They need to come to grips because this conduct on the part of those who control national defense will ruin this nation as much as the other abuses they are committing.

Back to slave state issues.

In modern times I've heard people promote what amounts to involuntary servitude under the label "volunteerism". You are forced into that in order to graduate high school right here in SD county. Isn't it an oxymoron when you are required to volunteer?

In today's environment the states which promote nullification (refuse to enforce federal laws which exceed the constitution) are actually promoting freedom and individual rights. So, here's a case of state's rights which is used to promote liberty, in contrast to times when that label was used to limit it. The latter case was a faulty one because states are bound by the bill of rights, and rationalizing doesn't change their meaning.

On the federal level having three branches to check and balance one another was one defense against a government whose power would never cease to grow. A further check, not generally discussed is the duty of states to not enforce any law which goes beyond the constitutional right of the feds. This was done way back in the 1800's by states that refused to cooperate with runaway slave legislation--they would not capture and return people who escaped slavery and were in their state. It was against constitutional authority to force them to do so. It was a measure put in by the forerunners of today's democrat party whose main forming principle was the perpetuation of slavery. I'd suggest they continue to spearhead the movement against individual liberty and unhampered rights to choose one's own destiny.

Republicans have certainly helped them along, but give credit where credit is due, the dems have led the way overall. It does sicken me to realize what a joint effort it has been. I can't in good conscience support either team. Makes it hard to be a sports fan. Those two aberrant organizations play the game of treating my life as if it is a privilege granted by government. I don't recognize that as a legitimate game at all. It goes against all that is right, moral, holy, natural or decent.

This view will either land me in big trouble one day, or maybe it is a more widespread outlook than I think and it will simply land me on a team I can back in a game I find appealing.

Odd that various superiority buffs who fancy themselves elite thinkers (know what's best for everyone else) swore that I'd outgrow my "unrealistic" passion and idealism by the time I reached 30 or so. That started to happen but then I found myself totally unable to take the view that any gain was good no matter what the source, as long as it was marginally legal.

Legal and right have no relation to one another in many cases. Like the guy who has grants to teach uncircumcised men in Africa how to clean their willy after sex. That is tax money. WTF? Why not pay dancing girls to go door to door willy washing right here at home? It would provide economic stimulation and relief, in this country, where it is sadly needed.

This is why I refuse to apply for grants. I have yet to think of anything that I feel everyone in America should pay for involuntarily. If I have a project I believe in, I will seek private, voluntary donation or investment only. It may be naive, but it is honorable. The present system does not encourage honor, and is not honorably administered. Unfortunately most of the academic world is totally dependent upon this set up, so they rationalize and scheme to not only maintain it but enlarge it---meaning take more tax money you may or may not want to spend on their projects.

afterthought re missionaries and holy men/women/hermaphrodites:
regardless of religion, there is almost always the attitude among the religious leaders that they are entitled to special treatment and claim on your wealth. They see themselves as above those who produce and trade in order to earn a living. Much like career politicians. They often have such a distorted sense of logic that they easily rationalize when it comes to deceptions which increase their power influence and wealth. When they want to get in partnership with government or gain the public stage in political issues, watch out. Not to be trusted. Although I question the overall national reaction and attention the NY imam is getting, I believe without reservation that he is talking out of both sides of his mouth and he is not motivated in any humanitarian love everyone mode of belief. One story to the english speaking press, another to the arabic.
Still, I remain of the view that it is NY's issue and problem. They have chosen how to handle it. Or their typically sleazy officials have. All about zoning and local government. Until, of course, tax money is used to sport him around the world for unknown purpose.

Beat Goes On

Finally, a song I started in Memphis is taking shape with my mountain buddies of Copper Creek--our band name. They voted down changing Creek to Creak.

Anyway it is a song reminiscent of Miami days and else. Definitely an escapist theme and less the usual pattern of my stuff which is, down and out in Hell and somehow find salvation and a way back to the land of the living.

The most recent verses of it had slipped my mind but the guys had copies of it and one had been fooling with the tune for months. I remembered what I wrote three or four years back, at least, but not the part from the last year. I actually like what was added and find I like the tune a lot. When your own song runs through your mind like other songs do, and they get stuck there for a day or two, I figure it is a good thing. Anyway, it is fun and I look forward to doing it in public. When is a question. Soon various members will be out of town for varying reasons.

I'd love to have a bunch of Caribbean percussionists on this. One of those things where you can't have too many congas and rattles and vocals. It's loose enough that it will never be done twice the same way. But I don't know what I ever do the same way except the national anthem and doe ray me scale.

Not much harmonica in the song. I may just leave it out and play some sort of percussion instead. Maybe those shaky things with beans inside.

If I did not have this small outlet for music and merriment I think I'd be in far worse condition than I am. Since I don't really think I am an ace musician, I'm always surprised when I like something I wrote as well as lots of things that I hear in the real world.

Watch as Another Group Is Suckered into Thoughtless Conformity

This country will never be "Post-Racial" until race based coercion and policies are not only abandoned but seen for what they are. And what are they? Generally speaking I would say they are vehicles for garnering votes, gaining power. Not power that somehow gives the targeted group ultimate freedom of choice and opportunity in life, just power for those who play them like fiddles.

If you assume that a person of Hispanic ethnicity must think and feel a certain way, say on immigration---that all illegals of partly Spanish blood should be made legal and given tax paid services, then I guess I should want all German-Irish-French-English-and maybe Scottish blooded people to also be exempt from whatever law ails them. I should ferret out any and all situations which might appear disadvantageous to "my people" and blame all other ethnicities for their plight, regardless if they voluntarily and knowingly entered into the particular fray or not. Race above reason, and no deviating from the tribal consensus as dictated by self proclaimed leaders and officials.

I'm not nearly as troubled by the fact that people sneak in daily as I am by the attitude that all people of that ethnicity, whether here legally for a hundred years or fresh over the fence, are supposed to think alike and expect laws and society to conform to what allegedly benefits them without considering right, wrong, practical, possible, etc. I am always insulted when it is assumed that I think a certain way, have certain desires based on my condition of birth, whether it be my sex, ethnicity or region of the country. That is the irrational type of profiling which yields no good. Now if I went around wearing a sheet and such, a bit of profiling would be in order.

The principles which underlie a free country, and a government which cannot become tyrannical are not based on personalities or condition of birth. That is why I find it an insult to see elected officials grouping themselves in race based caucuses. If you are looking for a free state, there is no room for discriminating against or for people based on the nature of their birthday suit.

It is a money making enterprise which pulls in far more wealth to those who drive these ethnocentric groups and organizations than is commonly realized or admitted. There are also groups based on sexuality and gender (correctly it would be sex, but that word confuses people). Often there is the kernel of a principle involved but then it goes out into the realm of retribution against all others and they become groups who only want special privilege, and/or power. Just power for its own sake in many cases. Hard to resist.

To be called insensitive, racist, xenophobic, etc. because one doesn't believe in restricting anyone's rights or granting special favor based on race, sex, who you bed, or the like is completely off the mark. I find it is more a case of racists throwing that tag on non-racists. Al and Jesse come to mind.

In any case you'd not believe the trail of money and how tax codes and taxes themselves are used to help fuel that industry. In the name of the poor and downtrodden, many are gathering wealth you can't imagine, while doing nothing to really promot3e legitimate opportunity and educate for individual autonomy and success. The trick to increasing the fortune and power lies in keeping groups blocked out, separate, and seeing themselves as victims, even if the culprit is a natural disaster. We are no longer survivors of hurricanes, we are hurricane victims.

What triggered me were comments from Janet Napolitano to the Latin Caucus, or whatever it is called. Somehow I did not know such a thing existed. And I've voted for Cubans in my Florida days. She spoke to them as if it is just taken for granted that all Hispanics think alike, as if they are ants guided by some common group conscience. I'd think members of groups who are treated that way would be insulted and outraged. I am resentful any time someone pretends to speak for me and those who look like me.

In a free country where the state can only exert limited power as prescribed in their charter,where it can only control so much of life, such things would not be in existence. Those who created our constitution attempted to create that condition. No wonder we are bombarded from every direction to conform in our speech, dress, behavior, everything. The biggest enemy of the condition-of-birth group organizers, and authoritarian, would-be slave state bosses is the independent individual who thinks for herself/himself and likes it that way.

Divisive preoccupation with the type of skin you're born with leads to distrust and hatred, not love and equal treatment. That seems to me to be glaringly obvious. But, under the spell of the Great Pretense, complex rationalizations and clever methods of self loathing, encouraged by those who secretly see themselves as elite and superior, ensure that most of the truth is lost and what remains is despised.

Why do these things bother me, and what does it have to do with my life? I'm not really sure, but it feels like something closing in, and you see the behavior and attitudes of people change perceptibly. The inter racial resentment is definitely visible and punks of all stripes tend to take the growing atmosphere of tribalism as license to suspend any pretense of decency toward others. Those who seek total control of the rest of us love that. It gives them the excuses they seek to grab more and more control while never actually solving the problems they pretend to address, (which their "solutions" created or exacerbated)

What Should K hear From Me re:life, liberty and pursuit of happiness

Every now and then I wonder what I could offer in written form that might be somewhat useful to young K. I haven't been in the mentoring parental role since she was 9. That was a long time ago. She is now 21.

Not my blood, but I felt protective. What a nut.

Going in I knew the chances for sanity were slim but I barreled ahead.

I deleted what I wrote here. It was just unpleasant rehash of stupidity. No point in that.

In the end, I don't have anything more to offer the lass. If she were to ask, I would give my view of a situation. Not much else to do at this point.

She probably will fare better than mama K since she has ten times the smarts. Momma was/is dumb as a rock, and I say that in the most complimentary sense. I could have forgiven the dimwittedness had she been a devoted mother who put the child's welfare first.

I was in such denial, probably due to mama K's "athletic" prowess, that I rationalized away the lack of intellect, pretending it was but a temporary condition. Who's the dimwit in that case?

I've already covered most matters the best I could, when I could. Now I hear nothing, and know nothing. I make overtures now and then and let her know she's loved.

I've had enough of my own disconnect from real life, potential, stability, etc. I don't suppose my track record makes me the authority on how not to squander your life and live in regret.

Just Don't Know

I'm stuck in the middle, at least in my own mind, in an abstract sort of way. This makes no sense but it is what it is.

Left to my own devices I can just remain in dreams and daydreams indefinitely, like an alternate reality. That does little to fulfill the need for security, money, accomplishment, etc. It is a scary life if truth be known. And that is totally unnecessary, I think.

OK. So, in the ever odd world of whatever it is I do, my last favor to the manager at Mr Big's involved an outside fireplace cremation of a tiny deceased pet--non-mammal. (didn't want you to think it was an indoor ritual.) Would I please remove and place the ashes in a particular pastoral spot on the property?

Hell, yea. Call me Igor (EYE-gore) or Freddy, whoever it is that does graveyard chores. I did not actually do the burning. That was done while I was away. It was for me to do the rest.

I felt I carried out the task with dignity and sensitivity. Said a few words over the scattered mess, reverently kicked a few leaves around to make it look natural and that was that. Remember Bill Murray in Caddy Shack? I often worry that I am becoming that guy, except my face is less twisted--on the outside. Inside, I'm a ringer.

One thing I can say, if you really want the organism to turn into ashes, you need to burn it longer than that. Otherwise you end up with a lump of charcoal which looks exactly like the critter. Perhaps the lump is slightly smaller than the pre-toasted version.

You'd be surprised how many creatures' final interments I've been asked to arrange at this surreal estate. Rabbits, rats, birds. Most of these were strangers and not beloved companions of anyone known to me.

What worries me is that this may be priming for a devious plot. It may be thought that by desensitizing me in this way, when it comes time to dispose of a larger, higher up the food chain post-life unit that I will comply without question. I'm dumb but not that dumb. The scary part is that it wouldn't really surprise me. Conspiracies abound everywhere you do and don't look.

I've decided to try to figure out a way to get the right exercise so I can become fit and fearsome. Maybe walking, then running up and down this hill would do it. And I should carry boulders to augment the arms. I suspect atrophy is getting the better of portions of my temple, my body, my instrument--as they say in Hollywood.

Nah. Must be an easier way. Maybe a pill. Steroids? I'll have to look into it.

To What End, all the Manipulation?

The more I think about it, the more I feel like we've been had. Or I have.

Where did they dig up the guy from Gainesville, and why is the NY imam traveling on tax money and treated like the voice of reason? Why do they both get all this publicity ? Damn, how many were suckered into an emotional response, like me.

They had an event that drew something like a half million people to DC, and it got less publicity than one guy with a tiny church in FL, discussing burning some books at church. World wide fame. Is that reasonable? And now this other guy who is clearly equally agenda driven is given all kinds of press and treated like the last word. No one asks him why he does not call for his alleged followers and partners in faith to chill and not react. No, they just shudder while the islamic holy man guarantees there will be blood.

What is the end goal of all this manipulation? Control? Fear usually leads to the boot coming down on someone. If it is like post 911, many people eagerly welcome it, while trading all kinds of liberty. Clearly, I am not one of those.

But then, I find it unbelievable that the imam actually used the reaction to the Danish cartoons as a benchmark of what might happen. He clearly sees no need to loudly condemn as insane such reactions.

The Gainesville guy has said he's not burning anything. He got his name out there and that's good enough. That doesn't stop fear and reaction. Just that he said he might do something is enough for all the news creeps, and every other manipulator of public emotion...

I think the imam and those who kill over cartoons are every bit as wacko, or moreso, than the FL guy.

Who would have ever imagined we'd be kissing up to religious groups because they migt show their true colors and behave like dark ages lunatics? Religious wars? I'm not sure I buy it. What is scarier than a religious zealot? Great cover for whatever reality is. Keep us thinking we're dealing with a holy war of some kind. Plenty of real nut cases to front and make it seem so.

Nothing but manipulation. It gets weirder and weirder. Just because a theory involves suspected conspiracy, does not mean no evil doers have conspired. If conspirators launch a particular program of action, and someone theorizes that they did so, he is by definition a conspiracy theorist, and right. Just calling something a conspiracy theory is not a valid argument against the theory.

I have no real theory, just the firm conviction that all this religious posturing is bullshit, and the sudden concern over offending islam is a hoax. No one cares if they offend Hindus, Catholics, or Druids. I say it again; tell every country based on religion to screw off. They are by definition divisive and oppressive to those not of the selected superstition. Not one dime in aid, no schools, no nothing, and to hell with UN views on the matter. No way.,

I'm still pissed we have been so heavily involved in the mideast and other hotbeds of religious weirdness and logical vacuums for so long. I was pissed in the early 70's over this treachery. Someone is gaining, but I am not sure who. Oil companies are often cited, but I don't buy that as anything close to the true picture.

I See Your Point; but It Is Like Dropping the Soap In A Prison Shower

There is not question that a double standard exists in any number cases worldwide. One glaring case is the one of what happens if you insult in whatever way any shade of Islam, as opposed to other religions.

The Gainesville guy's grandstanding does make that point. He's a small time nobody in the world of Christianity and America. A congregation of 50. But just the mention of burning the wrong book has made him famous worldwide. And it has brought very real threats that reprisals against any Americans anywhere may result.

Others can burn our flag, the Bible, make fun of Buddha, Hindus, and on and on, with, at most, only a small local reaction. Whether it is the radical element or mainstream, often indistinguishable, the Islamic world tends to overreact. Death frequently results. People died over cartoons that were in no way as over the top as some Jesus type drawings I've seen.

All religions have their radicals. But there are more people who've come out of the woodwork to condemn this guy, and from his own religion, than the entire world of Islam when it comes to contracts on authors etc. Just a thing to note.

That changes nothing. It actually paints a better picture of the reality. For this Terry Jones to actually burn the Koran and get publicity doing it is like dropping the soap in a group shower with one of those weird prison guys who enjoys initiating the innocent into violent homosexuality. Don't drop the soap, and if you do, leave it there. That doesn't make it right that prisons let this hapen or that people do such things. It is the way it is.

So, Terry, the very fact that these people are lunatics, zealots and whatever does nothing but ensure that your plan would endanger people who are already in the shower with them. Doesn't make it right. Not how it ought to be. Wait until we are out of harm's way, then have at it.

Good luck. The powers that be will never let us get free of limited wars and insanity in unworkable situations. Stability requires stable people and those who want it. Will not happen over there. Maybe not here. So, for now, your plan is just not a good idea. People will blame you for what they do. It's like getting blamed for the theft of your car because you did not lock it. It is nuts and wrong, but that is how people think.

Chances are lower that the car gets lifted if you lock it. No guarantee, just odds.

Haunted and Daunted; but not a goner yet

Today I wonder if anything I think makes sense is even remotely valid What haunts me is hard to define, and harder to shake. It could be I am only capable of being a serf. If someone isn't telling me what to do, I have no assigned function, I tend to flounder like a kite when the string breaks. That goes against my entire belief system.

On the other hand, when I am in the feudal mainstream, I find myself often at odds, at least internally, with the decisions, ethics and methods of the ruling entity. Not out of pure oppositional disorder, but based on reason, beliefs and my view of practicality. So, why, when there are no real barriers against taking steps toward self created endeavors do I lose confidence?

Maybe it is easier to be critic than creator because you have a clear starting point. Easier to improve upon a thing than to dream it up from scratch, I guess.

That leads me to wonder if freedom is really the comfortable condition for most of humanity. Maybe most people are not suited for freedom. Just basing it on my own difficulties, and from observing what goes on around me. People like to find some thing to which to be be loyal, obedient. The value and wisdom of such loyalty is a secondary concern, if a concern at all. Just look at it.

It is not uncommon for people to get violent over someone not supporting their sports team. They will also become violent over someone questioning the union's policies, or even their company's practices. The list of ways to choose a team for attaching loyalty is endless. That need for a tribal allegiance even works in the gang mentality. Maybe especially in gang mentality.

One thing all those things do is provide a prescribed belief and behavior. It matters not if there is a point. Really, why would it be worth fighting if I go to Green Bay and say I am not fond of the Packers? (I actually like the Packers--just an example. Call off the hit men). It's fun to pull for a team, but in practice these things go over the line. It s encouraged--blind loyalty based upon something other than actual values or substance. If gives some framework for knowing what to do at any given moment. Doesn't matter if there is a good point. You get a reward, however vague or small.

That's why, if you've been conditioned to cooperate and be obedient, you may find it much easier to be an employee rather than an employer or self employed. Maybe there is a legitimately elite class who are destined to rule, and the rest of us are just not capable of running our own lives. When I look at what I assume to be personal under achievement, I wonder if trying to fight this fact and the fact that I am not likely to escape the mentality of serf have not created great harm and sadness in my life.

Maybe I just have one foot in the conditioning and one in the mentality of self actuated endeavor, and the only hope is to shake one of those mentalities completely. As it is, they clash and leave me stifled, stagnant and ready to cash it in and give up.

Must be a vitamin deficiency.