Another Lost Contact Bit The Dust

It happened a couple of years ago but I didn't know until today. One of my very favorite people from my Miami, round 3, days died of some sudden thing, like his heart stopped or one of those issues. That surprised me.

I don't feel guilty, exactly, about loss of contact, but I do regret the turns in my life that caused it. he wasn't in contact either. I'm the one who moved away on a semi-ill fated saga so I guess that puts it on me. We went through some times.

Once, when he'd gone back drinking his girlfriend called me to try to reel him in. It seems he was in the parking lot of one of those edge of Coconut grove little markets, standing off a couple of punks with a stick, and too drunk to have prevailed. Sober they'd have been toast. Then again, sober he wouldn't have been in the fray.

Details are a little vague but I recall getting him to get in the car as we peeled out being chased and cursed. Don't know if it stuck for good but he didn't drink for years after that, and married the girlfriend. She was quite a beauty.

This was not your average guy on the street, getting into fights. He had a masters degree in something and had at one time been very successful in advertising and fund raising in NYC. He was in vietnam in the Marines. Not sure if he was some sort of junior officer, but he also was a TI of some kind before he got out. He wasn't in all that long. Long enough, and no fan of that police action.

Terry wasn't what you expect a Marine to look like, if there is such a thing. Quite good humored and over the top intelligent. I wonder what family he had left. It is thought that his wife also died not long after, but circumstances of that are unknown. So young. She was younger than him by five years or more. I hope he was happy when he left. I know he had some good years.

So weird when people I think have it so much more together than I do either die or prove to be ready to explode. The friend who told me the news thinks his job is about to be cut any day now. He's not sure of alternatives. His would be more mainstream than mine, but that doesn't necessarily mean easier to achieve.

It's worth keeping up with the ones I saw as truer than other friends or acquaintances. I would say worth distancing from the riffraff, but I can't say I have any riffraff in my life at the moment. Maybe just me.

I'm hoping the part about his wife is wrong.

For some reason everything lately keeps bringing back to various times and people of the past. I don't know why. Usually I have little tolerance for the past. It's done. And you can't do any of it over, except by repeating the same mistakes. Maybe that is the lesson in all this, but for the life of me I don't know how to see it when I do certain mistakes over again.

Now I See

It is clear to me that, had I not quit drinking long ago, I would be hopelessly drunk these days. It is a good way to ignore and reinforce dysfunction, and lack of ability to be productive in civilization as we know it.

It is still easy to lose in friendship and love, but not as bad as it could be. I'd like to feel at ease using something to alter reality. Unfortunately, in my case it just won't work and I'd be hugging a bottle under a dumpster somewhere before long.

So, other options must be sought. I look back and think, "If only that day had turned a differently. If I'd just not done this or done that. I almost had a handle on the vague plague which follows me." Obviously, that kind of thinking yields no good.

There are people who offer very loyal and nurturing friendship. In some cases I find it hard to accept because I always feel like I should be doing something or have achieved something more before I can be comfortable associating and socializing. This stuff is driving me nuts. I'm pretty sure it is damned stupid and represents a very skewed view of reality.

Not sure what brought this on. I wonder if there is some kind of cycling thing or just a death wish slowly playing out. To be the victor over this garbage would be a major achievement. I like happy endings. That helps me refuse to admit to an outlook of total pessimism, even if that may have taken over my self assessment. It helps a little.

I'll bet a program of running up and down this winding dirt road would help. It is rather steep, and sometimes I'd have to contend with dogs or coyotes, and rarely rattle snakes. Snakes don't bark and chase you, and it is cool enough a lot of the time, that they're unlikely to be very active.

Or a big earth quake or massive tsunami might facilitate conditions in which I have historically been at my best. Those are times when money and status do no good. Just the ability to make things better with bits and pieces at hand. I can do it when others need something after a disaster, but for myself while civilization is running as normally as it ever does, I freeze in place.

Maybe I should not include this information should I ever need to provide a resume.

Some Say The Problem is Too Many People

I'm somewhat neutral on that assertion. I do think the too many people in one place can be an issue. Population density of any species usually makes for trouble. That's why it puzzles me that most public policy generally discourages spreading out, while encouraging density of population. I've noticed that here in San Diego county. East county, where I live is sparsely populated compared to what it is fifteen or twenty miles west and on in toward the coast.

Various issues come up which seem to target these outlying communities as sacrificial lambs. The powerlink project is one of those. With all the alternative routes possible, and even when their own studies show the present plan as among the poorest alternatives for accomplishing the same thing, the plan which has the best chance of gutting some of the communities is the one they choose. Possibly coincidence, probably not.

The back country is not a culture which demands or needs a lot of control. People own guns and build minor structures such as sheds without seeking permits. They are big on organizing charity events and often still have the old fashioned compulsion to look out for their neighbors. They also tend to tailgate and drive foolishly on winding dirt roads, but that is universal throughout the county and beyond, from my experience.

Personally, I think my own world is too sparsely populated. Once upon a time t may have been otherwise. This is a scary period I'm in and the only way out is to be tougher than is comfortable. Do whatever can be done even if I feel like a zombie and doubt my presence of mind to accomplish the specific task.

Wish I had put all the money I had in gold and silver when I first thought I should do that. I'd be cashing out by now probably. I wonder where one is best off stashing any savings they have? Most funds proved to be a black hole in the last few years.

Maybe there are too many people. How do you know if you are one of the troublesome surplus or one of the OK to be here folks?

Gridlock

In my mind it seems that fear and the will collide. That's my latest theory to explain the lack of forward motion which yields an unpleasant future if not cured. My analysis of present circumstance leads me always to the conclusion that my best course is to follow the few creative enterprises that have been lying dormant before me for some time.

That takes nerve, resolve and perseverance. Qualities I've not honed to any degree in this life. The alternatives are unclear and limited at best. Those of which I am aware also seem slightly unpleasant. Hard labor loses its appeal very quickly at this stage of the game.

Two things do seem to temporarily cheer me up and take the edge off of long lasting heartbreak and panic regarding past foolishness and future condition; playing music with friends, and writing my fictitious story. 43 or 44 pages so far.

I find that when I continue the saga I am writing, and sit out back imagining what comes next, conversations between characters, and logistics involving various topics it involves, that I emerge from that cloud feeling lighter and less full of remorse or sadness.
Those two demons tend to dampen confidence and faith that it will be OK. My alleged book is good therapy, and like I concluded recently, a poor man has to be his own therapist. And that is not always good because it is easier to BS one's self tan it is anyone else.

I believe that. If it weren't so, then why go seek counseling? Exactly. Another human with insight and understanding can spot you fooling yourself better than you can. That realization blew me away when I first experienced it. That was in the early days after I stopped drinking. Well, early years. I sure found it easier to hook up with women when I could lie to myself and not know it, but that's another story altogether.

So, gridlock can be troubling when it exists in one's own mind. However, when it occurs in lawmaking bodies, I salute and encourage it. Anything that slows the creep of authority is a splendid item, in my book.

When I hear the miffed pundits of late decrying the possibility of gridlock among officials who make a profession of wielding power over us little people, the masses to them, I can't help but smile inside. So much of life would have been better had they managed gridlock on many of their past adventures.

Had they been too gridlocked to pass the 16th amendment, no IRS. Had they been too gridlocked to vote themselves cushy pensions and healthcare, maybe they'd behave a bit differently. The list goes on and on. I'll bet no one has a list and count of all the things that can earn one a fine and/or jail time. They create new offenses almost daily, many of which are spin offs of offenses already on the books. Makes me think I am neat and orderly in mind and surroundings by comparison.

But I am not. That doesn't matter so much as learning to picture what I want in my life, then doing the best I can to make it happen without letting fear and doubt create my personal gridlock. Authorities be damned. I'll let them do what they do. It can be a pain when their edicts present obstacles to my plans but I will ignore that as much as possible. Most of my plans sidestep areas which require license, fees, and any other number of permits or whatever.

Beginnings are tough. The most difficult aspect of beginning life over is to not do it the same way you did last time you started over. This involves questioning preconceived notions, long held ideas, and personal phobias and aversions. No small task, but worth it if I can remember to try it. One man's hell is sometimes another's heaven. Compared to where I was ony three years ago, this is heaven.

Opportunity abounds, as do reasons which can be dreamt up to debunk such opportunities.

Damn. I hear rodents. I sure hope they are on the outside of the cabin, pitter pattering around. Maybe I should look into this. The raccoon has had no luck now that the garbage lid is secured with a bungee cord. OK. Just had to write out some thoughts and theories. This lack of confidence and resolve must go. It serves no good purpose, and baby needs new shoes

The Gods Must be Crazy

So, we elect Moonbeam for governor then refuse to legalize pot. Seems contradictory. I guarantee Jerry is not stranger to the magic weed. California is peopled by very contradictory voters.

My buddy Lutz lost. A smart candidate could have taken that race. People are becoming tired of political family dynasties. He was beat by the most recent issue of Duncan Hunters. Lutz was too arrogant as were his workers. They zapped my email off a petition against the powerlink, then sent stuff calling the competition an "idiot", "Useless", etc. That may work when you are already preaching to the choir.

The surly practice of sneering and deriding the opponent without discussing the difference in philosophy fully and realistically may be cool, and make people feel smart and superior, but it does nothing to persuade people, and in some cases alienates the undecided.

When I could figure out the Lutz agenda and his ideas on things, I didn't find the prospect of having him in office a good one.
Negative ads in and of themselves don't bother me much. Quite often they are so transparent as to have the opposite effect on me.

Considering that it could be argued that the DEA has done more to promote drugs than any other entity besides the press, I think not voting to legalize pot is foolish. No big deal to me except that the public is really fooled on this. I bet the mob, gangs, and mexican cartels are breathing a sigh of relief. I better wear a heavy pan on my head--they may be firing guns in the air to celebrate.

ps: the only time I felt any emotion to speak of during this election was when they had candidates talking themselves up before adoring fans here in CA. I never have understood people that place some stranger in such awe above themselves that they cheer with religious zeal just at the sight of their chose master or mistress(?)..[that sounds wrong---who wouldn't cheer his/her mistress--given it is not at an awkward family moment?]. Anyway, that sort of hero worship of anyone playing games on the public dime does not resonate with me at all.

I think people should just grow pot everywhere in CA, all over medians, in city planters, etc. Just for the fun of it. And poppies, too.

Back to having fun with this book. Made some changes, and some progress. Maybe I'll turn it into a hot steamy sex book. We are getting close to that point in the story where it would fit. Doubtful that will happen. Most likely the white collar workers will revolt and join forces with the homeless, launching a revolution.

update: oh boo hoo, San Diego voters rejected a sales tax increase. It was sold as necessary to keep the fire department at 100% because the city has spent more money than it has on BS. They always point at things like fire rescue instead of all the garbage stuff they do. It isn't as if this is low cost of living area as it is. Go figure. They vote that down but seem to support every person who wants to squeeze the turnip a bit more. I can't wait to get rich so I can cover them all in money. It won't shut them up though. But, if they don't control it too much, money can buy a degree of freedom. It can even buy those who control everyone else.

Voting In CA

Until today, I had no idea that on Ballistic Mountain all ballots are mailed to you. They consider us too far out in the sticks to even be on any regular precinct's role. As a result they gave me some kind of ballot that gets put in an envelope.

The outside of the envelope has my name license number address. That seems not so secret to me, but what can you do. The most off the wall thing I did was write in one of our guitar players for school superintendent.

There were few things to vote for, many to vote against. I did not vote for increasing sales tax, or for adding $18.00 to license plate fees.

There were a bunch of things where they asked if some judge should remain on the bench for the rest of the term, or words to that effect. I voted no on al of them. Get some new blood. Maybe I voted against whoever ruled in my favor at the insurance commission. I hope not. There wasn't much about any insurance arbitration board. Must be appointed people.

The line about voting being "your civic duty" is one with which I 100% agree. I think it is your right, and your choice. It makes as much sense to abstain if you don't know or care what is on the ballot. Like me and my no on judges. I had no clue and probably should have abstained.

Having a right to vote, and being forced, like they do in some countries, are two different things. It is like the right to express your views. Having the right in no way requires one to express those views.

There are various reasons for not voting. If you believe the system is too corrupt to represent you, and you go ahead and vote without actually approving of any of the choices, then the spin is that this is what people want because they voted for it.

I think we still have some influence at the polls so it is worth casting a ballot here and there, but I would never push people to vote. That is as much their own business as much as how a person votes is supposed to be a private matter. Forcing it otherwise, requiring people to vote is just a form of tyranny hiding behind the idea that the right to vote is a mark of freedom. It is when it is a choice. And I think the right to not vote is as important as the other side of that coin.

It looked like everything was done on paper in Alpine. Lots of the people who are on the mailed ballot routine just drop in and drop the envelope in a box. The poll workers were nice and helpful. They didn't seem too dense like in some places. Maybe they just go through and throw out the votes they don't like. Isn't that why people become poll workers---to fix the vote? Can't imagine what other motive there would be. Well, maybe to pick up chicks or dudes.

I suspect some of what I voted will go through, and some not. I voted yes on legalizing pot in CA. It is a multi faceted thing; feds have no right to interfere, it is a harmless plant in most respects, not anyone's business to tell you what you can grow, the arguments about gateway drug are bogus, it fuels organized crime and wastes tax money and jail space. Has zero to do with whether I want to smoke it or not. I'd have voted to legalize growing poppies for personal use as well.

Nowhere was there a proposition which suggested spending about a million dollars on me. I thought that was kind of disappointing.

Is This Union Reasoning, Or What?

The place where I do 99.9% of my work is a gated, resort community. It even says, Blablaba Resort and Spa.

There are rooms and villas for rent, privately owned residences, tennis courts all over the place, and I don't know what else. I've never cruised the whole complex. The worker situation in the place is a soap opera, as I'm sure it also is with the lords and ladies of the various manors contained therein.

A snarky bunch, with a few exceptions.

Well, it turns out the people who used to own the place sold all except for a few residences they own there. Their son, and maybe they, too, owns the construction company which built most of the places in the resort. they do the lion's share of remodel work and rebuild work. A lot of stuff is the result of not the best planning and construction work to begin with, but they get paid and swear it is not their fault, ever.

Be that as it may, I get along OK with one of their project managers--think that is what he is.

He was telling me that his subs are pissed because they think I am "taking their work". I'm taking jobs away from them. Geez, I hardly have any work. I know I have been recommended several times by the British oil man and his porno book writing girlfriend, yet no one called.

Reading between the lines of what construction dude said, I figured out one of his subs caught on that there is a teak market and they have told people they have better methods and stuff to treat it with. That may or may not be true. I suspect not. But it would explain why I have received no calls when Brit and his house manager were positive the people who'd asked who did his table would call. Seems more than just a couple of their friends liked my work enough to ask who did it.

Since the matriarch of the resort (and of the construction family) still lives there and is in everyone's business, work may get steered away from me and toward the regular gang.

I don't know. I'm shocked anyone would worry over such small potatoes, except now I know one of his subs got a teak job from someone in the area. Very likely one of the people who was supposed to call me.

Complaining about someone taking your work when they never heard of you and were requested to do the work by a customer, well that is just whiny, wimpy and stupid. That ain't American thinking. Is that union thinking? I'm entitled to this little fiefdom. Wah

Unbelievable. It makes me want to find ways to get more work out there that I may not even want. Of course I can't solicit or post flyers or anything, but there are ways, I'm sure.

I'm impressed with some of the CA customer service people--mostly in Poway. But the trades under companies of any size are almost as sorry as memphis workers. Not quite, but close. memphis has the worst work force I've ever seen. First I thought it was only where I worked but soon found it a matter of city pride in memphis to be the worst.

Anyway. They have more to do than I do, and I am not in a position to obtain whatever licenses and bonding for whatever it is I want to title myself. I suspect one can slide in under the label of artist for a lot of projects, like those crazy santeria garage doors.

Taking my work. I have to admit, those guys have given me work. I have to go in and paint or fix up what they destroy while doing whatever other project it is. Fine with me. I could just follow them around and have work fixing pavers and tile they break, gates they break, paint they screw up, etc.

To Prove How Boring I Am

What kind of terrible, boring person doesn't like Halloween or New Year's Eve? My kind.

I think it is because both nights are what anyone whose ever been an experienced drinker would call amateur night. People get ripped and set out to do the stupidest most selfish things they can imagine. Hey, I'll get drunk, fight with the wife, then put the move on the boss's daughter!! Yippee.

In the world of yoots, Halloween is often a vandalism festival. Even in my youth the tricks crossed the line into random acts of vandalism. Maybe I feel guilty. To my credit, though, I recall the last time I went off with the neighborhood kids way back when, I parted ways when one of them sliced up the screen on an orchid house for no reason. One slice, actually. I did get him to stop at that, then used aq big word which brought ridicule from my pals. I told them they could be idiots without, adios.

Soon enough, I went on to be an idiot without them, so there you have that.

Maybe I just haven't been in the right circumstance to enjoy Halloween. And maybe I just find it peculiar and think most of the time it sucks. I played along when little K was in my care. We went around the houses and everyone always said, "oh, how cute, she's beautiful" OK. Swell. If I had my way, kids that age wouldn't have time for Halloween. They'd be putting in their 10 hours per day, after school, at the local factory!

So, I won't be dressing up but I think I got roped into a Halloween birthday party. I'll be attending because it is one of those you can't decline. I'm going to go as a hypocrite this year. (since Bobby offspring already came up with very clever gold digger idea--brilliant). I'll also be the designated driver, I hope. I will for myself, anyway.

Getting Out The Vote; because I care

At long last, I've seen the light. I am finally accepting my civic duty to give back to the community. After all, I've been ripping them off for years, charging for my labor, exhaling harmful CO2, not to mention occasional methane emissions. For so long I did not get the whole "give back" thing. But then I realized how much all the give back talkers must have taken from the community. Honor among thieves and polluters, I guess.

So, to do my part I am canvasing cemeteries for unregistered voters. I hope to have them all registered in time to vote. It is too late for absentee ballot, but I think I can work something out.

I know it must be a good thing, but someone needs to explain to me again why it is so important to badger disinterested people into voting. They even pretend they don't care who you vote for, just want you to vote. If you aren't voting how I would like, I think you should stay home and do something else. If you have to be badgered and have no clue what is going on, I see no point in you weighing in on these matters. But, I know that is probably because I haven't yet given enough back to the community. Maybe soon I will understand.

To me it is like when the priest tells some couple to be fruitful and multiply. If he doesn't know them, he could be wishing some bad stuff on the world, and never know it. I think you should be cautious when encouraging people to vote or multiply. Maybe if I became Catholic, then went to priest college I would know better.

Until I am fully enlightened and evolved, I will ask that you don't vote unless you are going to vote like me, or unless you live in a cemetery, mausoleum, or other dead end neighborhood. In that case, just give me your tacit approval, and I'll do your voting for you.

just Because, and for other purposes

Until recently, I never actually read any famous bills being advertised by one party or another. One exception was when NAFTA came around, I sampled and skimmed. That totally reversed my stance on that item. Had absolutely nothing to do with free trade. When they mention all these companies by name and make arrangements specific to them, that is not a trade agreement based on some set of rules, it is market manipulation to benefit specific interests at tax payer expense.

So, over the past few years, since the sales jobs have become so aggressive, pro and con, I have taken the time on a few "pieces or legislation" (I'm sure, by new definitions, the fact that I hate that phrase means I am mentally ill) to investigate and read what is written to some extent. True content varies a great deal from all the information offered which tells you what it will do but not what it says.

The most striking thing about almost every bill brought before Congress is that last phrase in the title summary, "and for other purposes".

A Bill to Ensure Everlasting Life, and for other purposes.
That allows them to tack anything they want on it. So the bill for everlasting life might also include a clause which outlaws grandfathers. Then when someone votes against it his opponent in the next election will run ads saying, "John 0 voted against everlasting life. He wants you all to die real soon. Can we afford to re-elect a monster like that? It's time for a change, vote for Wilford, he wants you to live."

There should be no way that phrase is allowed on a bill, and anything off the subject should not be legal. I wonder why it has been allowed. I guess because people have better things to do than hold their masters accountable. Especially when they are so easily bought off with little crumbs here and there. And easily swayed according to what seems cool and makes it easy to look smart with the equally ignorant peer group, without actually having to think it through or read anything. Especially not anything beyond what someone else tells you a thing will do.

"Sure, it will be fine, and you'll never have to worry again." Hell, if people aren't going to investigate for themselves you run little risk of being caught in a lie. And for good measure make things thousands of pages long, refer to other obscure laws, and make the language as obtuse as possible. It seems wrong that one would have to spend much time trying to decipher what we're being fed. Way too complicated and boring. That's why I like the idea of severely limited power. That way they have a narrower scope for presenting complicated lies and regulations.

Believe me, I do not read too many bills. The majority of them fall outside of what I think is the role of any government of free people, so right off the bat I'm not for it, even if it seems to some like a good idea. Brushing teeth is a good idea but I'd hate to see laws made in that regard. So, what's the point of dealing with all the little fine points and studies and all that? Those things are beside the point.

They say if you believe in limiting these people, and you find such things annoying, you are probably antisocial and have some sort of oppositional disorder. Maybe they are right. Then again, maybe they have a selfish incentive to label non conformists as somehow dangerous or ill.

No way I'm voting for the guy who opposed eternal life.