heartbreak continued

The last post neglected the heartbreak part.   Typically, the writer of that post wandered off into the weeds, and before it was over, it was way to long of a post.

The heartbreak theme came to me when I was contemplating the ones that got away, and the fact that I both allowed and condoned such a turn of events.  Being me is an odd proposition.

I figure if I cannot make myself less of a risk, can't make myself more available, then how can I encourage anyone I really care about to put their eggs in this basket?   I can't if I am to maintain any integrity as I see it.

However, I have faith that one of these days the tables will turn and I'll know I've encountered the person whose best interests coincide with mine, and I won't feel guilty encouraging the commitment.

Most of the time I really don't care.  I do enjoy knowing that some people are happy and doing well, even if it sometimes causes me to see my own deficiencies which then generates that little pang of heartbreak.

I don't think the heartbreak is over any person, but over whatever it was in my life that compels me to somehow deny my own existence to the point that I feel honor bound to drive away the people I most want close.  I'm speaking of women here.  But I guess I keep everyone at more than arm's distance.

I break my own heart.  But I am OK with that, and doubt it is a thing that can't improve.  It has improved by shades over the past five years or so.

HeartBreak and New Looks

Blogger's New Look!!--they are so excited over this--is not better or easier for me. They do not like my browser. It comes up with some message about an unknown item that may or may not be supported by my browser. I have to click the "dismiss" button to make it go away. It is right next to the google Chrome button.

 Google is dying for me to use their intrusive browser, Chrome. No, thank you. I started to download it one time, in one of my biggest sucker on earth stupors. It wanted so much info and seemed way too nosy about everything and wanted to make love to all my other files, applications, and programs.

 I just couldn't have that, so I stopped it and did my best to remove all traces from the computer. I stopped it before it was entrenched, like a tick. Many programs are like ticks from hell. You think you ripped it out but it leaves something behind to make trouble.

 So, new blogger is pimping for google chrome. They are trying to sucker apple safari users. I have firefox, but I mostly use safari. I like it. The fact that there was no issue prior to the big new look, and the main issue now is that they want me to switch to their data mining evil tyrant browser, causes me to think this blogger thing is a google inspired conspiracy.

 Weren't they the company whose motto was "Do no evil"?

 Funny how those things are so often the exact opposite of intent, or action. This appears to be designed by the same people who new-looked gmail. It is not a better look. Just new.

Take heed, it is much like the hooplah and hoax that eventually became the car companies. Change things regularly, even when no improvement is made to the product, and then convince people that they need the new one.

 For example, until they actually improved function, handling, etc. There was little need to alter the 56 or 57 Chevy. I would have held it at 56. Many liked the 57. The 58 was a waste of time. All they did was alter cosmetics, and not often for the better. I would have stuck with 56. Maybe waited until the 64 stuff came out.

 Chrome is an apt name. All shiny, but that's it. Makes a good vitamin in low doses.  Great for fishing lures; suckers 'em every time.

It Is A Jungle Out There

Wow. Another wonderful use of tax money. Some people's lives could be radically improved with that money, but I'm sure even more lives will be saved with the EPA's latest group think effort.

They want you to write a six word essay to celebrate the environment. Six words for the planet (earth, I'm assuming)

What does that even mean? How do you celebrate the environment? Is that like celebrating gravity, or the floor, or some other non event I can't quite imagine?

I suppose the first I began to hear of celebrating non events was when my ex wife said something about some kind of women's event that was a celebration of women. I'd have enjoyed that except it was, apparently, all women. And I wonder why I had my suspicions that she might graze on both sides of the fence. I'm thinking that to properly celebrate women, interesting events would have been in the mix. Events worth celebrating, perhaps.

The title is my six word essay. Next year I will celebrate the climate. After that, I will celebrate dreams. Oh, and I need to celebrate Outer Space before too many years pass.

I'm sorry, but from the early seventies on I argued for independence from the power grid, ways of using various used containers and other refuse for building materials, etc. However, I think things like Earth Day make no sense at all. If you want to include fertility rites and frolic in the forest, maybe it will make sense to me. I get nauseated when I see people out to be seen and accepted making a big deal about how much they love "the earth".

I'm on board with not being destructive or polluting in obvious ways. I'm not on board with much of the theme that all industry is bad and humans are evil and bears are better and blablabla. The only way humans survived so well as a species is due directly to our ability to protect ourselves from the environment, because the environment can be a hostile and fickle tyrant.

So, weather permitting, and barring any natural disasters, we can make a big show of planting a tree and reciting earthy essays. The ones I saw on the dot gov site were somehow political. one people, one home, one --I forgot. You get the idea. We go from the environment to solidarinosc.

I'm still stuck on what a camping expedition on some beach dedicated to "celebrating women" would entail. Clever choice of words, eh? It had to pop into my mind due to wondering what it means to celebrate a non event. I may celebrate my toes this year as well.

My final essay of six words still stands: It is a jungle out there!!! I decided punctuation could give it a little zip.

Song of the South; part 4192012

So I go over to Big O's friend's place to do some piddly maintenance, and to screw around with that teak some more. The stuff looked good initially but this oil finish routine is not suitable for this particular bunch of furniture. I researched and learned how to do it because way back at the beginning of the saga, house manager wanted it done they way they do marine teak, using oil finish. At that time I was all for poly urethane or something of that nature.

At any rate, I learned and believed it would work out. It is not really working out. I'm going to call the manufacturer, hoping they are still in business and see what they used to begin with. Even though their lacquer or varnish did not hold up, it still may be better, especially since they eventually got covers for the stuff. If it were mine, I'd just pressure wash it now and then and let it be gray. That isn't acceptable to those who own it or manage the house, so we go with another plan.

Anyway, I arrive and walk out to the courtyard/pool area where a guy is on a ladder putting pieces of copper on top of some of the beams. I was friendly, even though when I greeted him he replied with the belligerent toned version of "Can I help you?". I explained that I frequently do odd jobs and maintenance there, and that I would be sure not to interfere with his project.

He then gives a little, annoying chuckle as he says, giggle giggle, You sound like you're from Tennessee, giggle laugh. It was a total non sequitur, as I had just asked a question regarding my efforts not to do my work in the possible path he might take as he did his thing.

I stared at him for a few seconds, then asked, "Is that funny?" I get so sick of people who think the slightest bit of southern accent represents ignorance, incest, etc. That is very much the way it is in California. Most of these people have never been to the South, and certainly haven't spent enough time there to have a clue about the people or the culture.

Mr. Roofer caught me in a mood which was not one of the most tolerant or forgiving in my arsenal of moods. His comment and manner were not of the variety of friendly interest or in any way complimentary. I stood there resisting putting voice to what had filled my mind. Two words, the last of which was "you!!".

I stood staring, then turned and walked away. He'd answered the question about whether it was funny with something unintelligible and an I guess so. He was on a ladder and seemed frozen, like he didn't know whether to ascend or descend.

It is not good, but I felt that if I stuck around that I'd have vented my rage at the arrogance of many in this state, and my rage at things unidentified, even in my mind. Wisely, I went to sit in my car and cool off. I called Fin.

Sometimes I think I'd like to move back to south, but then I remember how 99% of the black people seem to hate you and want to give you a hard time. It is not hard to find someone eager to beat you to a pulp, kill you, or rob you--because of race. Racism is the curse. That and belligerent ignorance. Life is hard so it must be your fault.

Much is magnificent out here. In some ways I suppose I became permanently southernized. That involves a certain mode of courtesy, pride, and respect. That doesn't involve race or incest or any of the stereotypes I see circulated out here in media and general culture.

I've been in the ethnic minority in two or three cities where I lived for a number of years. That can be educational. I get along with anyone who is halfway congenial.

So, you want to break it all down by ethnicity, then you best be prepared to own it. Or maybe you want what I want--to become a nation of individuals judged by your good looks, and your character.

Being lumped in with a group forces you to take on guilt for their crimes as well as credit for their accomplishments. Unless, of course, you only identify when it serves some selfish end.

But we all want to be victims. I'm a victim because I'm Black; because I'm Mexican; because I'm White; because I'm poor; because I'm rich; because I'm ugly; because I'm pretty; because I'm too smart to be understood; because I'm a dimwit...

Victim grouping is a big business. Look how hard Jesse and Al try to keep fanning that flame. They must be running out of good fuel because they tend to jump on cases which aren't clear cut, before the facts are known, and many times it turns out they labeled the real criminal as the victim. In some cases, there may be no case at all, in reality. KKK uses the same tactic, but not many people sucker for it. I do not consider Jesse and Al any more legitimate, at this point in time, than the White supremacist groups.

Sooner or later someone will figure out that no group has been free of being victimized in one way or another at some point in history. One fact which goes unstated is that most groups have done as much to screw themselves over as the groups they identify as their enemy. That goes for black, white, yellow, mellow, red, taupe, and mauve, men, women, blablabla.

Don't lump me in with any of them because no one speaks for me. And I don't trust others of any group to which I may belong to voice anything agreeable to me. However, I guess I am somewhat of a Southerner. But only in the very best and finest aspects of that culture.

And the case can be made for any group's claim to victimization even now. It does not serve the cause of liberty, equality under the law, or any of the tenets necessary for a society of free individual humans.

In any case, many of the best artists, writers, musicians and people of note were native Southerners. So back off, California!
And besides, I have hardly any accent at all.

OK Found the Bill That Failed

The Buffet tax thing was found. At least I think that was what I found. It is called something like The Fair Share Payment for Wealthiest Americans Act or something like that.

It is written like the tax code--in pure gibberish. My view of it is that it would not affect the wealthiest of people at all. Those who have their money in all sorts of investments and complicated financial instruments, like Buffet, would not even feel this.

I'm not a lawyer, and in a free country I wouldn't need to be to fully comprehend a law. That said, I am pretty sure this is nothing but a PR stunt designed to give satisfaction to those who envy or think someone making a million dollars needs to be cut to size. They already pay more if they don't have the battery of accountants and lawyers to prevent it.

This law would mostly hurt someone like a sole proprietor or a writer or artist who landed it big enough to qualify; people who may have made a million dollars, but who don't have the shelters and power of the Buffets of the world.

I think it is a move by the really big money to slap down the up and coming entrepreneurs who are climbing their way up. Nouveau riche, There is more of an elitist tint to this thing than one might think. If you own a hedge fund or are a high level investment banker, I think you'd be safe.

But it was shot down. Do you have any idea of the number of bizarre resolutions and bills the throw out there every year? It is insane! And the names. The Reform Education to Produce Future Leaders Act---there was one like that. My wording may be slightly off, but definitely not exaggerated. My version would be toned down, if anything.

Many of the bills brought forward are grandstanding and apply to target voter groups. Many seem to be rehashes of things already on the books. It is insane!

I repeat myself, I know. If only there were enough of those legislators who would vote against any bill that wasn't designed to strike down two or three other bills. I'd vote against all of them. It costs a lot of money per hour for those clowns to be in session. Do we really need to pay for a resolution declaring some month, "Asbestos Danger Awareness Month?"

How about Crazy Thieves Spending Your Money, Stealing Your Rights and Property, Selling Out Your Opportunities, Jobs and Resources Awareness Week"?

Another Moronic Talk Show

San Diego radio has a new guy on now. Something Merrill--spelling may be right or wrong. He's hard to figure in some ways. Generally he's better than that horse's ass, Rick Roberts; the king of self aggrandizement. He disappeared. BooHoo.

Merrill is at least not much of a shill for either political party. His main goal appears to be trying to maintain an image of a cool guy, which he's not.

His latest push is to have everyone 70 and over re-tested for driver's license. Lots of people are on board with that. I'm not. His friend, who I believe was riding bike, was seriously injured in a collision with an "elderly driver".

No doubt some old people are not that safe behind the wheel. But this now brings us to the Great Pretense.

If you want to profile by age and treat one group differently, then let's unleash all the statistics by group. First we divide it up among the various age groups, then by gender, then by ethnicity, and then by legal citizen, legal resident, here on a visa, and here illegally. Based on observation, I'm guessing that within those groups would be found certain combinations of parameters which would point to certain groups, or combinations of groups (eg; 40-50 year old Chinese women) which statistically cause more havoc per capita than people over 70.

It would be reasonable if police took notice of drivers being unsafe, and pulled them over. That seems to be a back burner objective, at best, even though various laws allegedly address such things. Modern traffic enforcement is geared toward producing revenue. And it is a big bureaucracy which complicates effective, but not bullying, behavior.

I fear that targeting such a group could lead to a somewhat biased atmosphere on the re-test, resulting in being unjustly denied the right to drive. Oh, I forgot, I'm supposed to say "driving privilege". Sorry. I still think it is a right unless it is shown that you aren't up to the task.

Privilege sounds like someone doing you a favor by allowing you to operate a machine. I think of it how I do, and have never been able to change that view. Either way, no one has a right to endanger the life or property of others.

The Chinese woman example was purely an example, and in no way reflects an opinion on how the statistics would pan out. I would not state my views of what groups are the greatest hazard on a percentage basis. That would bring nothing but trouble.

Anyway, Merrill is on a crusade because he's a long way from 70. Just what is needed in this country, and this state, more laws which require more money to implement.

The responsible thing to do is to monitor yourself and refrain from putting others at risk. If you are too self centered and crazy to do this, then your family should step in. Or the cops ought to take notice that you are driving like a monkey on magic mushrooms.

Merrill isn't a moron just for this crusade. It is his lack of depth when it comes to reasoning on things, his constant stereo-typing people with Southern accents, and his skirting truth in order to keep the cool guy image.

Ah Bill, At Least You Were Funny

Even if it was not intended. Never thought I'd miss the days of "It depends on what is is." But, lately, I do.

Something about this causes me to think the country has changed in peculiar ways.

He'd win if he ran this time around. Is that bizarre? I almost wish he'd do it.

Stepping off the Edge

There is a theory that lots of people who end up lost in some form of insanity actually know at which moment they finally gave up and gave in. I'm not talking about those who do harm or anything, just those who let go of their grasp of reality and whatever combats depression and that sort of thing.

I think there may be something to that. Most of my life has been spent trying to jump back on board. I can pinpoint more than one instance which represented one of those decisive moments. The periods of time when progress was made were never easy or natural. It was a hell of a fight the whole way.

It is not encouraging that I have been so long bogged down during this last stretch. Knowing it is all about decisions helps. Why deciding the on the constructive route, and following it, would be any more difficult than the alternative is a mystery. In the long run, not doing what you know is best takes a lot more out of you. It leaves one progressively more tired, lacking passion, pride, or much of anything that a person should have.

Some of those pivotal moments are more significant than others. But the consequences can be long lasting. I sure am continuing to feel the results. It takes small little victories and perseverance to affect reasonable change. I didn't get here by accident. It was the result of both the times of giving up, and the times of climbing back on board.

It was lucky that I climbed out of the mud when I did, to the extent that I did. Now, I have let myself slide back into directionless trouble. I have decisions to make, and I am deciding not to give up. Why is it so tough to just put it all in order and move ahead with whatever seems best? It doesn't matter why, I suppose. Just bust on through.

Debating On A Guess

At some point in my internet using career I decided to actually search out and read things before coming to too strong an opinion on a given topic, such as a bill in the US Senate. The trick is to find the stuff in print, not just hearsay discussions.

I believe one of my first forays into the verbose smoke screen of government prose was the 911 commission report, or whatever it was called. I have since forgotten the title, but not the surprising language and scope of topics.

It had less to do with the nature of the Towers attack, and more to do with laying groundwork for domestic martial law, usurping control of resources, private companies, etc--in the event of any emergency deemed worthy by unelected bureaucrat.

My most recent effort was to actually read this Buffet Tax bill that got defeated. I'm suspicious of it because, if you made a million dollars and didn't take any deductions, didn't know how to invest to save on taxes and all that, you'd already be paying a higher rate than the poor saps who only make 150 thousand, and they'd pay more percentage of their income than those who make 75 thousand.

People tend to forget that even if the percentage was the same the million dollar baby would be paying far more than the seventy five thousand sap.

Buffet, himself, piqued my suspicion when he claimed his high paid secretary pays a higher rate than he does. I mean, this is a guy whose battery of lawyers is dueling with the IRS over a half billion tax bill.

If he is so concerned about the government getting paid, why the lawyers arguing against payment? And why not just pay what he thinks is fair if he doesn't honestly think he's paying enough? And why manage the money in such a way as to gain the best tax advantage? Is this merely his effort to keep lawyers and accountants employed? Noble of him.

OK. So, I'm assuming there is an angle whenever billionaires seek press and want to make laws.

I tried to find the text of the bill so I could see for myself what it is. I cannot find it. I found things like wikipedia telling me "what it does", and various opinions on the thing, but no actual text of the bill. It must be that Nancy Pelosi was talking about most bills, not just the one, when she said, "We need to pass the bill to see what's in it", or words very close to that.

So, the thing to do is to encourage your senators and congress representatives to pass all legislation so you can then get copies of the actual bill and know if you like it or not. If it hasn't passed how will we ever know what's in it?

My default position is that unless I can see the actual wording of a proposed law, I am not in favor it passing. I'd also like to see any little piggy back add-ons which maybe put money in pockets where it doesn't belong, or adds power where it should be withheld. The trick you with names and such.

They'll do something like name bill the "Keep Children Safe From Ax Murderers Bill", then in it require parents to document to authorities that their kid eats green beans as prescribed by law, and mandates that all seat belts in new cars be bright orange in color.

And then it may also include a million dollars to renovate and declare someone's home in Maine a historic site. And another five million to buy it for the federal parks, or give it Spain, or who knows what.

So, if you oppose this bill, you don't care if our children are filleted by ax murderers or rogue chefs.

It didn't pass, so who knows if the Buffet Bill was just more grandstanding or not. What were the actual words?

If he had any real guts, he'd have said the irs is a waste of resources and not the stuff of a free country, and then he would have suggested a more benign, less complex system of taxation. But he is part of an elite class who do nothing without an angle. Often we, the serfs, can't see the angle because we don't have enough information.

It is so comforting to know how much people like Warren Buffet care about us lesser beings. And how much he cares about who pays what. He cares a lot.

But just short of caring enough to set the example and pay whatever he thinks is fair without somebody making a law which may or may not actually affect his cash flow. It warms my heart. nd being on board with Warren gives fuel to the thrill of focussing on The Rich.

Pay up, you bastards!! as if I have any idea who are The Rich and what they do or don't pay, except that the top 10 percent do pay the vast majority of the tax bill. This I know.

That Buffet Bill maybe would have put them in their place. Or maybe it would only have fooled the angry while maintaining the status quo. There may have even been an orange seat belt provision.

If only they'd passed it so we could know what it was. And how many pages it was. Could they write hundreds of pages on a thing like that? The legislators themselves don't read bills most of the time, or know what is in them in any detail.

That part is unimportant. It is important that they care, and that new laws keep getting made. That gives us a sense of sec urity. Or something.

Elasticity of Time

It never ceases to amaze me how variable time is. It seems like Saturday was a week ago, rather than a day or two. Yet, the last few years seem like a month. I'll never quite get used to the lack of linearity in the things that are linear by definition.

In the grand scheme. I think the idea of relative percentage of experience explains why a week or a year seems like eternity to a child. A year might be more than ten or twenty or fifty percent of his total life, depending upon his age. And your whole life is kind of like eternity. I feel like I have always been here because I don't have a sense of any beginning. How could you, really?

I have early memories, but it is not as if that was the beginning. Awareness is a tricky thing, I guess. It seems I was aware of good before I was aware of evil. Maybe kindness and happiness are actually more natural than sadistic oppression and anger. Not that all of it is not in human nature. I think the cultivation of qualities develops with cultural habits. And some things, like anger, tend to feed upon themselves.

NOTE: My facts about the tribe described below are most likely incorrect in the details. The point is still the same. It may be that group in Malaysia that didn't have any cavities.

That tribe which was found maybe forty years ago in some rain forest which had no concept of murder or any of that sort of thing really paints the picture. They were very pretty people, and they had been roaming the rain forest forever. They didn't do any building, farming or much of anything but run around naked, look beautiful, and be content. Enter contact with anthropologists, who, of course, thought it would be great to give them one machete. Adios peaceful, happy culture.

They soon learned about murder, jealousy, greed, etc. That all indicates to me that the out of control, destructive traits are not a requirement for human life, but it doesn't take much for the dark side to have a life of its own in a society. Dumbass behavior is like a virus-it spreads rapidly. Just check out gang areas, and the things that go on with those who truly control power and money. It is dumbass behavior. Religious war is dumbass behavior.

Anyway, it is all continually changing, and what was once one unit can be compressed or stretched, whether we are talking time or beliefs or values, or levels of relative importance. But those who insist that certain behaviors have always been with us as a species, and that they always will, are assuming that they have the whole history of our kind in view.

They may be right, and they may not. Some people don't even remember as far back as one or two years old in their own lives, so they have no clue about when they became jerks. How can they assume mankind never did anything but defend against, or be controlled by, jerks?

They don't know. It just feels good to say, "we've always had wars, and we always will." Nothing pisses me off more than people who spout unprovable bullshit while pretending to be very logical and scientific. We've always had pompous know-it-alls who are full of themselves. Or maybe we have. We sure have them now. They don't have any answers, just dire pronouncements on fate. I'd hate to think people will forever have to deal with as much of that as we do now. We've dealt with the struggle to pretend to know all the truth for a long damned time. And it usually serves egos but not much else.

Truly seeking answers, and pretending that nothing different can possibly shed more or different light on the world of science and reality do not go hand in hand. The latter defeats the effort to know. People were burned at the stake for seeing that accepted truth was not on the mark. Just how it goes.

For some reason those peaceful people in the forest, pre-discovery by anthropologists, could wander around in naked bliss without the usual rashes and problems someone like me would incur. So, think twice if you were considering emulating their lifestyle at home. You may have a group of like-minded friends, and you think you can start a new isolated society of peace and happiness. But chances are, you will get savaged by bugs, fungus, and your own offensive odors. You might not survive the period of adaptation, which could take generations.

So, may as well be one of the pushy jerks, who pretends not to be a pushy jerk, in this culture. If you can make sense of it otherwise, and thrive, then yay for you, go for it.

One thing that tribe of hot looking people did not have; Subaru cars. No kings, as far as I know, either. Would I give up my car if the world became free of monarchs, dictators, and those who weild power but pretend they are "public servants"? Get back to you on that...