Good Bad Ugly; part 425012

Little nibbles seem to be increasing in frequency.  I didn't even know I was fishing.  Another guy, who claims I played with him at one of the open mics I rarely attend, called in reference to a benefit, and something about a jam.  He also mentioned being at the Crest gig.

I remember giving out contact info to a couple of people who asked, but I seem to have trouble remembering everyone that asked me to play over the last couple of months.  It would be good if something came out of this, like some studio work or other pay-to-play opportunities.

It is probably good, though, because I seem to have a reputation in an expanding circle of musicians, and it appears to be a favorable one.  Why not?  I'm more reliable than most and make an effort to just do what I do without hogging the limelight.  That may be the secret to being a sideman who is welcome.

There has been other talk, but until I see substance, I treat it as only talk.  Deep down I hope it is real because it would be quite rewarding.  The best thing is to keep being seen.  There are little subplots to all this which have to do with trying to benefit some people I like who need the diversion right now.

Those are things of life; doing things for the purpose of enhancing one's existence and/or the existence of others.   What that entails is often the sort of thing I just keep to myself.   I'd be disappointed if I found myself deep into the Jerry Lewis syndrome.  If you don't get the meaning of that, then don't worry about it.

I look out the back door, down at the little box canyon and out to the ridge beyond, and I realize how fortunate I am to be where I am.  And I realize that it is not guaranteed that I'll be able to be here forever. It is alright.  One evening, within the last three, it was so dark and foggy out on the back deck that I could not see my hand held in front of my face.

Tonight, I heard just a few rain drops under a dark, overcast sky, but I could see the edge of the clouds out over the ridge, and to the left, over Alpine.  I could still see a little bit of light there.  Nice effect.

I guess there isn't much ugly, except that sometimes people think I don't consider them, their feelings, dreams, and whatnot.  It really is not true, but I can see how it appears.  I just don't pry much or offer opinions on what they ought to do with themselves.

Then again, it doesn't take much encouragement for me to become a little too self absorbed.  In ways, I am not that, but there are times when the better part of me definitely is.  I try.  There are mitigating circumstances which I am sure few others would understand, even if they were aware, but it is worth monitoring myself so that I am not so ..whatever.

I've come to realize it is not always easy.  And I do get it back. In one case, recently, I find that my life is of no real interest, which is both frustrating and interesting.  It leaves me feeling of no use, value or interest.  Maybe that is why that person crossed my path.  I must be careful not to cause others to feel that way.  I know it is not intentional on the part of the party of whom I speak, but I see no changing it.

I always think that friends will ask if they want to know what I think.  I am wary of being too sure that I know what others should be doing with their lives, talent, etc.  It is one thing to be empathetic, and another to assume you know what another's best interest really is.  I'll bet someone told Lincoln he needed to get out and see a play.  "Abe, loosen up!  Go out; take the old lady to the theater."

Fate and Fortune part 4 22 12

Different forms of good fortune have come my way lately.  Some of it, I had been advised to expect, but I did not consider it a sure thing.  It took a little while to put it out of my mind and not dream up stupid ways to depend upon vague expectation.  Or even probable expectation.

I have a friend who was expecting part of the family inheritance and all appeared done and good.  All it took was one psychopathic sibling, an unethical, and unscrupulous attorney, and a lengthy lawsuit in a venue many miles away.

Now my friend is worse off than he would have been had nothing ever been slated to come his way.  The legal system quite often becomes a lawyer's game of chess and results in anything but where truth and justice would lead.

The part that I think is most emotionally difficult is to plan on a thing, believe there is every reason to plan on it, and then have one's reality radically altered, dissolving your dreams in an instant.  It is tough to readjust, and accept reality, let go of the pain, anger and disappointment that type of loss brings.

When there was no point to the things that caused the dream to be smashed, it can stick with you and remain a tender spot indefinitely.   That tends to make moving on from there, seeing another way,  generally learning to seek happiness, a difficult, if not impossible task.  There are people who do it, and people who don't.  Anger is often not your friend. It can trap.

Even when the anticipated good fortune is not squelched by stupid things like corrupt people, and such evils, it is a shock when it doesn't materialize.  Disappointing, at least, and often in a way that requires some regrouping.

The trick is not to expect much, and try to refuse to believe that job is yours until it is in hand, that money until you see it, etc.

So, one thing came through that I'd managed to put out of my mind altogether, so it was a treat and almost a surprise.  Another thing came up that is merely a promise of something, and as much as I'd love for it to be true, I think the skeptic's approach is the healthiest.  I'll believe it when I see it.

I found myself thinking as if that thing had come true, and how I could then not be doing things I no longer enjoy, and how I'd have some sort of passion or enjoyment with this.  It is related to getting paid and I guess a form of work.

But, I see nothing today, and I am going to forget about the big talk and promise.  No need to discount anything.  I'm certainly open to opportunity.  But it may be best not to hold my breath until it materializes into something I can spend.

heartbreak continued

The last post neglected the heartbreak part.   Typically, the writer of that post wandered off into the weeds, and before it was over, it was way to long of a post.

The heartbreak theme came to me when I was contemplating the ones that got away, and the fact that I both allowed and condoned such a turn of events.  Being me is an odd proposition.

I figure if I cannot make myself less of a risk, can't make myself more available, then how can I encourage anyone I really care about to put their eggs in this basket?   I can't if I am to maintain any integrity as I see it.

However, I have faith that one of these days the tables will turn and I'll know I've encountered the person whose best interests coincide with mine, and I won't feel guilty encouraging the commitment.

Most of the time I really don't care.  I do enjoy knowing that some people are happy and doing well, even if it sometimes causes me to see my own deficiencies which then generates that little pang of heartbreak.

I don't think the heartbreak is over any person, but over whatever it was in my life that compels me to somehow deny my own existence to the point that I feel honor bound to drive away the people I most want close.  I'm speaking of women here.  But I guess I keep everyone at more than arm's distance.

I break my own heart.  But I am OK with that, and doubt it is a thing that can't improve.  It has improved by shades over the past five years or so.

HeartBreak and New Looks

Blogger's New Look!!--they are so excited over this--is not better or easier for me. They do not like my browser. It comes up with some message about an unknown item that may or may not be supported by my browser. I have to click the "dismiss" button to make it go away. It is right next to the google Chrome button.

 Google is dying for me to use their intrusive browser, Chrome. No, thank you. I started to download it one time, in one of my biggest sucker on earth stupors. It wanted so much info and seemed way too nosy about everything and wanted to make love to all my other files, applications, and programs.

 I just couldn't have that, so I stopped it and did my best to remove all traces from the computer. I stopped it before it was entrenched, like a tick. Many programs are like ticks from hell. You think you ripped it out but it leaves something behind to make trouble.

 So, new blogger is pimping for google chrome. They are trying to sucker apple safari users. I have firefox, but I mostly use safari. I like it. The fact that there was no issue prior to the big new look, and the main issue now is that they want me to switch to their data mining evil tyrant browser, causes me to think this blogger thing is a google inspired conspiracy.

 Weren't they the company whose motto was "Do no evil"?

 Funny how those things are so often the exact opposite of intent, or action. This appears to be designed by the same people who new-looked gmail. It is not a better look. Just new.

Take heed, it is much like the hooplah and hoax that eventually became the car companies. Change things regularly, even when no improvement is made to the product, and then convince people that they need the new one.

 For example, until they actually improved function, handling, etc. There was little need to alter the 56 or 57 Chevy. I would have held it at 56. Many liked the 57. The 58 was a waste of time. All they did was alter cosmetics, and not often for the better. I would have stuck with 56. Maybe waited until the 64 stuff came out.

 Chrome is an apt name. All shiny, but that's it. Makes a good vitamin in low doses.  Great for fishing lures; suckers 'em every time.

It Is A Jungle Out There

Wow. Another wonderful use of tax money. Some people's lives could be radically improved with that money, but I'm sure even more lives will be saved with the EPA's latest group think effort.

They want you to write a six word essay to celebrate the environment. Six words for the planet (earth, I'm assuming)

What does that even mean? How do you celebrate the environment? Is that like celebrating gravity, or the floor, or some other non event I can't quite imagine?

I suppose the first I began to hear of celebrating non events was when my ex wife said something about some kind of women's event that was a celebration of women. I'd have enjoyed that except it was, apparently, all women. And I wonder why I had my suspicions that she might graze on both sides of the fence. I'm thinking that to properly celebrate women, interesting events would have been in the mix. Events worth celebrating, perhaps.

The title is my six word essay. Next year I will celebrate the climate. After that, I will celebrate dreams. Oh, and I need to celebrate Outer Space before too many years pass.

I'm sorry, but from the early seventies on I argued for independence from the power grid, ways of using various used containers and other refuse for building materials, etc. However, I think things like Earth Day make no sense at all. If you want to include fertility rites and frolic in the forest, maybe it will make sense to me. I get nauseated when I see people out to be seen and accepted making a big deal about how much they love "the earth".

I'm on board with not being destructive or polluting in obvious ways. I'm not on board with much of the theme that all industry is bad and humans are evil and bears are better and blablabla. The only way humans survived so well as a species is due directly to our ability to protect ourselves from the environment, because the environment can be a hostile and fickle tyrant.

So, weather permitting, and barring any natural disasters, we can make a big show of planting a tree and reciting earthy essays. The ones I saw on the dot gov site were somehow political. one people, one home, one --I forgot. You get the idea. We go from the environment to solidarinosc.

I'm still stuck on what a camping expedition on some beach dedicated to "celebrating women" would entail. Clever choice of words, eh? It had to pop into my mind due to wondering what it means to celebrate a non event. I may celebrate my toes this year as well.

My final essay of six words still stands: It is a jungle out there!!! I decided punctuation could give it a little zip.

Song of the South; part 4192012

So I go over to Big O's friend's place to do some piddly maintenance, and to screw around with that teak some more. The stuff looked good initially but this oil finish routine is not suitable for this particular bunch of furniture. I researched and learned how to do it because way back at the beginning of the saga, house manager wanted it done they way they do marine teak, using oil finish. At that time I was all for poly urethane or something of that nature.

At any rate, I learned and believed it would work out. It is not really working out. I'm going to call the manufacturer, hoping they are still in business and see what they used to begin with. Even though their lacquer or varnish did not hold up, it still may be better, especially since they eventually got covers for the stuff. If it were mine, I'd just pressure wash it now and then and let it be gray. That isn't acceptable to those who own it or manage the house, so we go with another plan.

Anyway, I arrive and walk out to the courtyard/pool area where a guy is on a ladder putting pieces of copper on top of some of the beams. I was friendly, even though when I greeted him he replied with the belligerent toned version of "Can I help you?". I explained that I frequently do odd jobs and maintenance there, and that I would be sure not to interfere with his project.

He then gives a little, annoying chuckle as he says, giggle giggle, You sound like you're from Tennessee, giggle laugh. It was a total non sequitur, as I had just asked a question regarding my efforts not to do my work in the possible path he might take as he did his thing.

I stared at him for a few seconds, then asked, "Is that funny?" I get so sick of people who think the slightest bit of southern accent represents ignorance, incest, etc. That is very much the way it is in California. Most of these people have never been to the South, and certainly haven't spent enough time there to have a clue about the people or the culture.

Mr. Roofer caught me in a mood which was not one of the most tolerant or forgiving in my arsenal of moods. His comment and manner were not of the variety of friendly interest or in any way complimentary. I stood there resisting putting voice to what had filled my mind. Two words, the last of which was "you!!".

I stood staring, then turned and walked away. He'd answered the question about whether it was funny with something unintelligible and an I guess so. He was on a ladder and seemed frozen, like he didn't know whether to ascend or descend.

It is not good, but I felt that if I stuck around that I'd have vented my rage at the arrogance of many in this state, and my rage at things unidentified, even in my mind. Wisely, I went to sit in my car and cool off. I called Fin.

Sometimes I think I'd like to move back to south, but then I remember how 99% of the black people seem to hate you and want to give you a hard time. It is not hard to find someone eager to beat you to a pulp, kill you, or rob you--because of race. Racism is the curse. That and belligerent ignorance. Life is hard so it must be your fault.

Much is magnificent out here. In some ways I suppose I became permanently southernized. That involves a certain mode of courtesy, pride, and respect. That doesn't involve race or incest or any of the stereotypes I see circulated out here in media and general culture.

I've been in the ethnic minority in two or three cities where I lived for a number of years. That can be educational. I get along with anyone who is halfway congenial.

So, you want to break it all down by ethnicity, then you best be prepared to own it. Or maybe you want what I want--to become a nation of individuals judged by your good looks, and your character.

Being lumped in with a group forces you to take on guilt for their crimes as well as credit for their accomplishments. Unless, of course, you only identify when it serves some selfish end.

But we all want to be victims. I'm a victim because I'm Black; because I'm Mexican; because I'm White; because I'm poor; because I'm rich; because I'm ugly; because I'm pretty; because I'm too smart to be understood; because I'm a dimwit...

Victim grouping is a big business. Look how hard Jesse and Al try to keep fanning that flame. They must be running out of good fuel because they tend to jump on cases which aren't clear cut, before the facts are known, and many times it turns out they labeled the real criminal as the victim. In some cases, there may be no case at all, in reality. KKK uses the same tactic, but not many people sucker for it. I do not consider Jesse and Al any more legitimate, at this point in time, than the White supremacist groups.

Sooner or later someone will figure out that no group has been free of being victimized in one way or another at some point in history. One fact which goes unstated is that most groups have done as much to screw themselves over as the groups they identify as their enemy. That goes for black, white, yellow, mellow, red, taupe, and mauve, men, women, blablabla.

Don't lump me in with any of them because no one speaks for me. And I don't trust others of any group to which I may belong to voice anything agreeable to me. However, I guess I am somewhat of a Southerner. But only in the very best and finest aspects of that culture.

And the case can be made for any group's claim to victimization even now. It does not serve the cause of liberty, equality under the law, or any of the tenets necessary for a society of free individual humans.

In any case, many of the best artists, writers, musicians and people of note were native Southerners. So back off, California!
And besides, I have hardly any accent at all.

OK Found the Bill That Failed

The Buffet tax thing was found. At least I think that was what I found. It is called something like The Fair Share Payment for Wealthiest Americans Act or something like that.

It is written like the tax code--in pure gibberish. My view of it is that it would not affect the wealthiest of people at all. Those who have their money in all sorts of investments and complicated financial instruments, like Buffet, would not even feel this.

I'm not a lawyer, and in a free country I wouldn't need to be to fully comprehend a law. That said, I am pretty sure this is nothing but a PR stunt designed to give satisfaction to those who envy or think someone making a million dollars needs to be cut to size. They already pay more if they don't have the battery of accountants and lawyers to prevent it.

This law would mostly hurt someone like a sole proprietor or a writer or artist who landed it big enough to qualify; people who may have made a million dollars, but who don't have the shelters and power of the Buffets of the world.

I think it is a move by the really big money to slap down the up and coming entrepreneurs who are climbing their way up. Nouveau riche, There is more of an elitist tint to this thing than one might think. If you own a hedge fund or are a high level investment banker, I think you'd be safe.

But it was shot down. Do you have any idea of the number of bizarre resolutions and bills the throw out there every year? It is insane! And the names. The Reform Education to Produce Future Leaders Act---there was one like that. My wording may be slightly off, but definitely not exaggerated. My version would be toned down, if anything.

Many of the bills brought forward are grandstanding and apply to target voter groups. Many seem to be rehashes of things already on the books. It is insane!

I repeat myself, I know. If only there were enough of those legislators who would vote against any bill that wasn't designed to strike down two or three other bills. I'd vote against all of them. It costs a lot of money per hour for those clowns to be in session. Do we really need to pay for a resolution declaring some month, "Asbestos Danger Awareness Month?"

How about Crazy Thieves Spending Your Money, Stealing Your Rights and Property, Selling Out Your Opportunities, Jobs and Resources Awareness Week"?

Another Moronic Talk Show

San Diego radio has a new guy on now. Something Merrill--spelling may be right or wrong. He's hard to figure in some ways. Generally he's better than that horse's ass, Rick Roberts; the king of self aggrandizement. He disappeared. BooHoo.

Merrill is at least not much of a shill for either political party. His main goal appears to be trying to maintain an image of a cool guy, which he's not.

His latest push is to have everyone 70 and over re-tested for driver's license. Lots of people are on board with that. I'm not. His friend, who I believe was riding bike, was seriously injured in a collision with an "elderly driver".

No doubt some old people are not that safe behind the wheel. But this now brings us to the Great Pretense.

If you want to profile by age and treat one group differently, then let's unleash all the statistics by group. First we divide it up among the various age groups, then by gender, then by ethnicity, and then by legal citizen, legal resident, here on a visa, and here illegally. Based on observation, I'm guessing that within those groups would be found certain combinations of parameters which would point to certain groups, or combinations of groups (eg; 40-50 year old Chinese women) which statistically cause more havoc per capita than people over 70.

It would be reasonable if police took notice of drivers being unsafe, and pulled them over. That seems to be a back burner objective, at best, even though various laws allegedly address such things. Modern traffic enforcement is geared toward producing revenue. And it is a big bureaucracy which complicates effective, but not bullying, behavior.

I fear that targeting such a group could lead to a somewhat biased atmosphere on the re-test, resulting in being unjustly denied the right to drive. Oh, I forgot, I'm supposed to say "driving privilege". Sorry. I still think it is a right unless it is shown that you aren't up to the task.

Privilege sounds like someone doing you a favor by allowing you to operate a machine. I think of it how I do, and have never been able to change that view. Either way, no one has a right to endanger the life or property of others.

The Chinese woman example was purely an example, and in no way reflects an opinion on how the statistics would pan out. I would not state my views of what groups are the greatest hazard on a percentage basis. That would bring nothing but trouble.

Anyway, Merrill is on a crusade because he's a long way from 70. Just what is needed in this country, and this state, more laws which require more money to implement.

The responsible thing to do is to monitor yourself and refrain from putting others at risk. If you are too self centered and crazy to do this, then your family should step in. Or the cops ought to take notice that you are driving like a monkey on magic mushrooms.

Merrill isn't a moron just for this crusade. It is his lack of depth when it comes to reasoning on things, his constant stereo-typing people with Southern accents, and his skirting truth in order to keep the cool guy image.

Ah Bill, At Least You Were Funny

Even if it was not intended. Never thought I'd miss the days of "It depends on what is is." But, lately, I do.

Something about this causes me to think the country has changed in peculiar ways.

He'd win if he ran this time around. Is that bizarre? I almost wish he'd do it.

Stepping off the Edge

There is a theory that lots of people who end up lost in some form of insanity actually know at which moment they finally gave up and gave in. I'm not talking about those who do harm or anything, just those who let go of their grasp of reality and whatever combats depression and that sort of thing.

I think there may be something to that. Most of my life has been spent trying to jump back on board. I can pinpoint more than one instance which represented one of those decisive moments. The periods of time when progress was made were never easy or natural. It was a hell of a fight the whole way.

It is not encouraging that I have been so long bogged down during this last stretch. Knowing it is all about decisions helps. Why deciding the on the constructive route, and following it, would be any more difficult than the alternative is a mystery. In the long run, not doing what you know is best takes a lot more out of you. It leaves one progressively more tired, lacking passion, pride, or much of anything that a person should have.

Some of those pivotal moments are more significant than others. But the consequences can be long lasting. I sure am continuing to feel the results. It takes small little victories and perseverance to affect reasonable change. I didn't get here by accident. It was the result of both the times of giving up, and the times of climbing back on board.

It was lucky that I climbed out of the mud when I did, to the extent that I did. Now, I have let myself slide back into directionless trouble. I have decisions to make, and I am deciding not to give up. Why is it so tough to just put it all in order and move ahead with whatever seems best? It doesn't matter why, I suppose. Just bust on through.