You're Funny

was going to go in and correct, because I just checked to see what I'd written and noticed a lot of missing letters.  Keyboard issue.  Too much trouble. Bet should be best.  Whole words, like they, may be missing. Lots first last or middle letters

I'll assume she meant that in the best possible sense of the phrase.   That's what she said.

And I'm thinking, "No kidding.  I'm one of the greatest humorists of our time.  Nice of you to catch on."  But I don't actually say that because what if I'm wrong, or maybe she doesn't like world class wit?

You never know.  Maybe she meant funny as a synonym for peculiar.   Hmmm.  Maybe that one's got my number.  I guess either use of the word is applicable.

Do you ever step back and notice how, in some cases, any attention you get is a big deal to you?  I do.  But I end up categorizing these thing so I don't get carried away.   I'll just think, "OK, that is some of my favorite attention".

But sometimes, if I see someone that needs a jump, or coolant, or a tire pumped up,  I think if I were they, I'd like a little help.  That's one kind of attention I like if I'm stuck.

So, every now and then I end up with a hitchhiker or assist a little with whatever needs it at the time.  It is great material for writing someday, and there have been interesting adventures as a result of my gregarious roadside manner.  Been awhile.  I only deal with people who don't overly creep me out.  Only a few do.

But there are other types of attention that rank up there, and are just as fun to give as to get.   Part of how life is made.  It's odd that some of us have to check our natural inclination to throw things out of balance.  Good things reportedly come with responsibility.  Bummer.

Then again, how would I know?  My first instinct is to ignore the tempering influence of reality.  Or I just run because, Who mistakenly sent anything good and fun my way?  I don't rate this.  I see it in writing and I wonder, "how could I ever think that?  I'm the most worthy, and the best catch of all the unglamorous, unqualified, one-in-a-billion catches on the whole block!   I'm more fun than a barrel of monkeys, if you ask me.

I've noticed a lot of stuff online lately which expresses total disdain for believe in God or anything akin to that, and expresses criticism for faith of any kind.   Yet it seems to me that they have forgotten that much of what is thought to be true in science is theory.  It holds and may be demonstrable, but it is not the whole big picture or the infinitely small picture.  It works for now.

I can see where misguided attitudes and antics, under the banner of religion can be problematic.  But I'm not sure why the hostility I'm seeing.  The word idiots is thrown around a lot.

Of course, many of these people are highly immersed in the business of politicizing science and pushing the idea that government should oversee and control research.  Another cronyism issue when the curtain is thrown back.  And it plays into the arrogance, vanity and territorial jealousy which is absolutely rampant in government funded scientific circles and throughout academia in this country.

The nuanced message many of these armchair geniuses put out is an unquestioning worship of what "science says".  Just trying to put themselves where God used to be.  Otherwise, when not directly affected, why so hostile?

Don't get me wrong, I like advances in science.  But many of the people pushing things in the name of science have no first hand skill as far as math, physics, etc. go, so they can be made to believe anything.    They just like to cheer for government action while jeering the evil corporation, and facts be damned.  Argue, and the next thing you know the discussion will devolve into something to do with George W Bush.

Here's my point.  I, and any real scientist who is honest, admit that what we know now, is the bet we have, at this point, until or if we find out different.

I'm no idiot, and I think there is more than meets the eye.  I think people who fanatically ram religious concepts angrily at people are actually in doubt and trying to convince themselves.   Fanatic Muslims just want to get laid, and if it takes holy death and being a corpse to get at them there 72 virgins the o be it.  Religion does some crazy ass things.

So do politically inspired scientists.  In the span of fifty years they've gone from raising hell about a coming ice age to global warming.  Maybe the cited the same causes both times.  Hell if know, I was too scared to think.

Odd that the answer is always more tax money.  It is BS.

But somehow this is supposed to divide between those who believe in something divine, and those who can reason and are sane and love solutions like taxing those evil whoever.  Smart people see the need for more tax and greater authority vested in regulatory agencies of any sort.  Or so the people who claim to be smart tell me, and the world.   If you don't agree, then you are not smart, deserve lol, and the smart will say that you are ignorant and superstitious, maybe racist, maybe George Bush--either one, or both, and you aren't like them and should be strung up, or run out of town, because you lack diverity and aren't tolerant like the smart people.

That's what they tell you.  Some smart people are so blinded by their own ego that they cannot see reality at all.  And they do reinforce one another, with their repetitive tired jokes and self congratulatory nonsense.   Often I find the ones who believe in something to be a little more peaceful an helpful than others.  Not the crazy fanatics.  The ones who try for the right thing.

Seriously, if you think placing your faith and trust in human authorities and governments is likely to bring better result than God or other power not easy to prove or disprove, you are nuts.  Governments shoot people and put them in cages, and harass them about all manner of things.  Most modern deists and churches don't do a lot of that.  Maybe some have little sexual field trips, but compared to governments and law enforcement they are squeaky clean.  Didn't say they were squeaky clean, just compared to.

So many officials are flaming crooks and sexual predators and offenders that it hardly makes the news when they decide to nail one.  Become an electable politician; get rich, get laid.  That is how it works to a great degree.  A few just settle for the first part.  The ones whose spouses would shoot them between the eyes if they strayed.

I have doubts on definitions and certain elements of history and certain bible things.  But I don't get the outright hostility and push to pretend an absolute knowledge under the church of "science".  You start making a religion out of science, then it i no longer science.  Tying it up with tax dollars and government is not a mark of validity.

I'm sometimes funny.  Extra funny.  More fun than a barrel of monkeys

Best thing yet in Connecticut is lack of new gun rule respect from citizens

"...If you pass laws that people have no respect for and they don’t follow them, then you have a real problem.”

That's a classic quote from a politician in Connecticut.  They were talking about how gun owners hadn't run to nearest sheriff to register the weapons, despite the new law.

The man behind the quote was some sort of state senator I think.   I only saved that bit of quote, the page and all else are long gone from my easy access.  

But doesn't it do your heart good when people ignore official overstep?  It does mine good.  

Of course you are going to have a real problem if you try to enforce laws on people which they do not respect.  And to the degree they respect themselves, they ignore you and the law you rode in on, and they do not acknowledge your authority over their being.   And you have nerve enough to whine and call it a problem as if the people are the problem, and not people like you creating and trying to enforce stupid laws.  

I don't care what your cause is, if you pass stupid measures to cure the ill, yet your cure is nonsense.  Calling you out on it does not mean I hate babies or whatever your cause is.  It just means you are spouting nonsense or violating personal rights.

I'm still shaking my head.  Ever consider making fewer laws and learning to respect personal boundaries in the process?  

I'm not sure I'd do well in CT.  Not sure there wouldn't be a cultural personality conflict.   Maybe it really is more laid back out here.  But they are not shy about making laws here any more than there.  And whether it is something based on junk science, the word of a child molester, you name it, in CA they'll get the damn thing done, even if it is wrong.  "It is better than doing nothing".

What a day, when they all say, "we've got a problem, no one is obeying our draconian, busy-body, poorly thought out, intrusive, oppressive laws".  That's when the citizens will have begun to do their job.  Non-compliance.  They can always lie cheat and steal and get into office, especially if you have crooked and greedy running against greedy and crooked.  There is not much difference in reality.

So it cracks me up that someone is all worked up over something that is not likely to make people less violent, and safer overall. 

The more people quit making the state into a religion or a god, the better off they'll be.  

Another of Those "Be happy, even if it kills you" Days

Do you have any idea how tough it was for us to buy Father's day cards?  It was for me.  Sometimes these trumped up days of guilt are not a good thing.   It was a pretend thing on Father's day, but it was rare I crossed paths or saw the need for a card when I did, I looked for something that said things along the lines of, "Hey, gee golly, you sure are my dad! How 'bout that".  Stuff that wasn't mean but contained no lies, like almost all the cards.  Now I guess they are less gender specific and ore diverse--whatever that means.

If you appreciate your father's fathering and general behavior, can't you just say so?  Shouldn't he already have a clue whether he's worth a damn or not?   Another inconvenient day when maybe you have better things to do.

Same goes for all these crumby holidays.  Bah humbug!  Oh, that's the wrong one.  But even then a lot of people can feel awful for not having a bunch of money to spend.

Screw that.  If people can't handle you day by day, and then expect something on predetermined trumped up days, then who needs those people?  Not me.

Valentine's is a great one.  I can't remember it ever working out right.  Either I did really nice things and ended up pretty much casting pearls before swine, or I had to work a lot and had no time or energy for it, always something.

I must have blocked the day from my memory because I do not recall a single Valentine's day of any sort.  I only recall feeling bad or unappreciated or like I wasted my time on it.

Valentine's day must be added to my ever growing list of things that are the devil.

Then again, reality aside, way aside, this year I actually could play that game.  However, reality is, I'm sitting on top of the world and I woke up this mornin' and my baby done gone and left me.

Except she wasn't here to begin with.  I said I was putting reality way off to the side somewhere.

Despite what they say, most of the women I know make more than me or my hoodlum friends thee days.  So the pressure should be on them.  Equal everything, "I can hold my own door you pig", and all that.

Times have changed.  Other than me, it isn't the guys on the highway flipping you the finger these days.  I remember when those women would go out of their way to smile at me.  Not now.

They flip you off and don't even bring you a Valentine flower.  I hope none who ever gave me a flower see this.   Wish I could remember who those sweet girls were.  Dumb me, I wouldn't have known the good ones if they bit me on the butt.

Now that I think of it, never mind.

How many people who are otherwise doing fine, feel the pressure of Valentine's day and try to force it?  An that just results in tension, friction, phony nonsense; maybe even divorce or ugly breakup.  All for nothing.

If she doesn't know you like her then she either isn't paying attention or you are being secretive.   No one needed to create a gold digger's dream of a shakedown holiday.

This is a wonderful one for the guy who has a main squeeze and a designing mistress.   You know the type--she is convinced he'll leave the wife and kids, lose all his family and friends, just for her.

And she's not about to make his secret any easier to handle.  He has to play Valentine's Day for both the wife an the one about to ruin his life.

The other chick and the egomaniac deserve one another, but if they are not in the shadows sneaking and deceiving, the whole thing loses its charm.  Another of those crazy problems created by V Day.

Maybe they all had another man and that's why V Day was not so great.  Some guys get off purely on the thought that they are violating another man's sweetie.  That is very sad, isn't it?  Ego related things can be ugly.

So to hell with Valentine's day. I've convinced myself that everyone is either cheating, gold digging, or simply ungrateful swine.

We need a send me to therapy day to fix all this.  Once a year, instead of flowers, deliver a therapist to my doorstep.  Yay. Finally problem solved. What did it take, about a two foot long post?
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Sometimes the trouble makers get caught

Sittin' On Top of the World

It's been pointed out that I live on top of the world, and don't have much traffic and neighbors aren't right there in my face.  This is all true.  But if you recall the song, the part that comes before is, "She's gone, but I don't worry.  Cuz I'm sittin' on top of the world".  He's not telling the truth.  He wishes she wasn't gone.  But under the circumstances he's making the best of it.

I'm somewhat like that, although I live an easier, more genteel existence since I'm not hopping trains and such.  Even so, I woke up this morning, and she wasn't here.

Am I too old to fix that?  One minute I think, Yes, you are too old. Life is over for you and you blew it.  God hates you for being such a waste of space, and so do I.  Then the next minute I think, you aren't too old, and if you quit being too stupid, you could do alright.  Just do what you know you need to do, and let the chips fall where they may.  It will be OK.

Bouncing from one thing to the other.   I don't literally mean the God hate part, but the sentiment is there.  No doubt the sort of taunting evil religious siblings use to abuse one another.  Wish I'd have thought of that at an early age.

If I had launched that campaign soon enough I might have had the upper hand.  I was never a controller though, so he beat me to the punch and I have been forever convinced that I am worthless, stupid, disgusting, and troublesome.  I am actually a little troublesome.  The rest, no.  But try convincing me of that.  Of course he had the advantage of being able to start before I could talk.   It's a wonder I never went postal on the males in my family.

Now that I think of it.  Maybe it is best for everyone that I am on top of the world, alone.  I'm not sure about any of it.  Some angel will fill me in on what to do or not do eventually.

---- Me, And The Horse I Rode In On

Some would say, "And the horse on which I arrived"; being overly concerned about ending sentences with words like on, in, of, and other prepositions.   I don't care.  

And the more I read discussions among the compulsively rationalizing academic people who are certain that they could and should change the world, and that they know what is best for "the masses" or the "99%", the less I care about anything that smacks of, "look how smart and educated I am".

But that is irrelevant.   I'm always starting off on irrelevant tangents.  I knew I was only imagining a certain something that is never ever going to cross my path.  It is my sentence for past transgressions.   Most of the sentence was commuted, so why complain?  I have no right to do that.

If all goes well, I may end up being of some use.  People often think they are useful or helpful in a positive way, but they don't really know.  They can hope, and I believe that it is right to have a good motive.  But the true nature of the result in the big picture,  grand scheme of things is unknown.  Or at least I think it is.

I know some screw-ups say, "look at me, don't do what I did or you'll end up like me.  Learn from my mistakes."  And they think they are helpful.  I don't think I learn much from the mistakes of others.  Maybe a little, sometimes, but not much.  I hardly seem to learn from my own mistakes.  Or so it seems at times.

In the old days I'd just drink and drive better than that screw up.  It did not work out well, but there were plenty of other people making obvious mistakes from which I did not learn.

Rode in on one of those, probably.  Or else I'll ride out on one

As far as other things that hit me where I live, I guess I most like and crave the companionship of those who are unlikely to ever be able to take me and my glitches.  

That thing.  I can't explain it, and no one else can.  "He's alright if you can get past 'that'".   I guess no one has ever put it better than my brother.  At least it gave me a clue. Sort of.

It is what makes me wonder about life and beyond.  And I tend not to believe anyone who claims absolute faith, or absolute disbelief and lack of faith.  Right now, I believe nothing and no one.  

As long as I want nothing and expect nothing from anyone, I am safe.  If I am safe I feel no love or anything else for anyone.  I can't help but feel a little so I try to be useful just to keep from going totally crazy in a sad sort of way.  Well, I do feel but I'd rather just put that aside, and acknowledge no love or anything else. That better states the process.

People are mostly very unkind in the ways it matters the most, so I have to dodge that because I do not enjoy it at all.   Stay on the giving end, like a sort of guerrilla philanthropist; do what you can then get the hell out of Dodge, except I'm not one whose deeds involve much money.

I think I have finally learned a little bit.  I give up on most things--I just can't control much in life.  And it is about time to decide the question that never seems to go away for long.   

Some things in Sochi make sense.  Not the NBC people there, but some things.

Winter Olympics are the best. If there is reincarnation, bring me back as a downhill skier or one of those people who flies around on a snowboard

Or just put it off. I'm in no mood for chronic questions.  Kick that one down the road, again.

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Feeling Lyrical

Being an ascetic is not all it is cracked up to be.  Not that it is really cracked up to be anything.  Or that I am disciplined in the art of self denial.  But maybe in some way I am.

Now I am confused, once again.  I hope you're happy!!!

Today at the Sombrero. Cliff playing a song I wrote.  Wasn't my idea but I like it.

"no more mr nice guy, no more mr easy, call me mr spice guy, call me mr sleazy!" Has to do with Oprah and Dr Phil, Cosmo, etc. convincing women their love life sucks.  Was kind of a joke, but Cliff saw the lyrics and ran with it. People like it, much to my surprise

Ever notice when people say, "I hope you're happy!!", they don't really mean it at all?   I used to be so naive and gullible that I half believed they might actually be serious.  That often led to a peculiar dynamic.  Like when southerners say, "Oh no! Don't rush off so soon!"  They mean, nice seeing you, bye, don't let the door hit you on the way out. Go home now.  Took me forever to realize that.

When I figured out their real meaning about hoping I was happy, I'd feel compelled to prove I wasn't happy, just to please them and not be hated for happiness in their world where it is all my fault.  That is a mistake.  I'd advise doing everything you can to be even happier when confronted with that bit of sarcastic well wishing.

I'm feeling lyrical.  The never ending (or beginning) tune that keeps evolving in my mind, with ever changing lyrics found a new phrase I like.  Even the phrase has no definite beginning, but I'm saving this part:...time stands still, until she says goodbye.

Time is so non-linear to me.  If I'm in a certain space because of the person I'm with or the conversation, or when focussing on something that has my passionate attention, it is like visiting another dimension where there is no time.  Then I come back to earth, or wherever it is that bills get paid and police hide in the bushes, and hours may have passed.  Or even days.

That dimension is my favorite.  That is why I play music.  It may only be a few minutes of that state of suspended animation, but it is like setting foot in Heaven for a brief time.  Once in a blue moon or maybe once in a hundred blue moons a certain person's company or attention can put you there.  But it is the most fragile of ways into that space because of the reality of the material world and all the ways there are to screw it up.

Do you run?  What do you do when you are so unprepared?  Kick yourself for giving up and almost going broke?  Or maybe deciding you will not give up and just trust the only things that ever worked.

There is a tuning in sort of thing that is the only way I ever managed anything.  It is hard to explain.  Even when I would do heavy math.  Others always seemed to have some strict explainable methodology, and credited their wonderful superior intelligence.   I always felt guilty because it didn't seem to work the same with me, even if I did very well at whatever it was.

Even when I was learning to fly.  I lucked into an instructor who must have got it.  And I did well enough that on the commercial check ride the inspector asked if I minded doing certain landings over, and would I tell him how I did it so he could better help students having trouble.  Cool.  But what do you do?  It's like Chevy Chase in Caddy Shack, "be the ball".

The point is, in deference to some of my beloved relatives who dispute any other dimensions than those we see, who dispute any Prime Mover or intelligence behind life, creation, and all that is, I have tried to operate "normally", as if I am the prime mover, and I do not do so well with that.  When I throw that out the window and trust that "thing" which involves tuning in rather than forcing the thought or action, I do better.

When I was little, like seven to ten years old, and I had the chance to run with a football against kids in the neighborhood, just about all of whom were older, I enjoyed that other dimension, timeless feeling.  And I did very well.  Coaches tried to recruit me for little league but the family said no.  But I knew that feeling of not thinking, just being.  Believe it or not, that was a spiritual space.  I see that now.

Blind faith is about all there is to go on sometimes.  But you have to incorporate doing stuff.  I'm not explaining this well.  Simply put, my impulsive course of action is to self destruct, rush in when I should hold back and be patient, or be negligently inactive when I should move--anything to avoid true success and hit the mark.

And now, I have to avoid panic or any stupid fear based radical action.  I know something about what I want (for lack of better way to put it), more than I have in I don't know how long; maybe ever.

Whatever happens I am not going back to where I was ever in the past. And if I don't get my way, then maybe I need to alter what constitutes my way.  Except I know what I know, and it would be almost easier not to.  It will be OK.  I think something is OK.  But it changes everything I can't be a slacker any more.  This is really not easy.  Odd that good things, positive change, and the right thing are often met with internal freak out madness.  That's because I want what I want right this minute, and  see now immediate way.  We shall see.

Long Way From Home

Once in awhile I tend to wonder if I've done more harm than good in the big balance of things.  In the small balance, I'm fairly certain I have, but the small balance only concerns management of my life and abilities.  Big picture includes cases in which someone's life may have been improved because I was in the right place at the right time.

Overall, you can't know for sure about things; one second sooner or later doing something could set off an unpredictable chain of events and some important person might be saved or destroyed.  You just don't know.

The best description of this is in Mark Twain's short story, the Mysterious Stranger.  It is my favorite of anything I've ever read by him.  That is probably because it gives plausibility to the idea that had I done everything right, I may have found myself in some odd circumstance of timing which led to awful consequences to others through no cognitive fault of mine--just wrong place at wrong time.

No use contemplating hypotheticals, especially if they bring sadness and regret. And it also could serve to temper the back patting one might indulge for supposed good deeds.

Even so, when I am able to call my long time friend, whom I'll call Mr X, it does bring some solace.  Mr X called me the day before my birthday, sixteen years ago, desperate to find out where I had gone some years prior to find out how to stop drinking.  He'd been told by doctors that he was going to die quick, and he'd had some very scary episodes.

I was already in another state, and times were tough.  K and her mom P had hit the road back to Miami.  I was exhausted from three years of enjoying raising the child, and trying to shield her and myself from her mother's irresponsible and odd (redneck) behavior.  My bad.  I was foolish.  But I tried.  There came a time when I had to draw the line at certain behavior.  No other choice, I guess.

I am sorry I went that road, but it was probably the sanest, most stable three years of K's life.  Maybe that is good.  I've never been the same since, though I have tried to shake it.  I left Miami too soon, but couldn't sit by and watch what public Dade county kindergarten was doing to poor little K.  Not to mention the home scene with P and her parents.  Yikes.  This is the trap for people who compulsively jump on the white horse thinking they are rescuers.  Often it is best to mind your own affairs.

Oh well.  Mr X survived, and understands my type of mentality.  It was nice to call and hear what I need to hear.  I want to smoke like crazy.  But how will that change anything for the better?  I almost did, but a little voice inside urged me to leave the store as I waited in line, and for once I listened, walking out without wasting money on nonsense and self destruction.

Here's the truth.  I'm weak, brilliant, lonely and find my pride is easily rattled if anyone notices anything except my brilliance.  I need to find more work of some kind.  I've ruled out stripper even though I can do some spiffy dance moves.  The market for me stripping is not a lucrative one.  Don't want to sell drugs, be a hit man, or work in a bar.

I do like water and air purification but don't know much about water.  It is a wide open field because I think the technology probably exists to do cheaper, better desalination but it is just not realized, even though people are messing with it here and there.  The FL Keys and Southern California should be getting their water off their coasts rather than bringing it in from other regions.  One day it will be cheaper to remove the salt.

I was astounded to discover how much of SoCal gets its water.  Crazy.  Colorado river?

Anyway.  My friend was able to catch up with another friend back then, on my birthday, and things worked out.  He's in AZ now.  And now he's able to help me get my mind in the right place when it needs fixing.

If I had not left Miami when I did, no telling where I'd be now.  If I leave here, where would I go?  A cheaper place maybe.  Or maybe to nowhere.

I was going to tell the can o pee flying story.  I sure hope it didn't land on anyone.   Wouldn't that be troubling after all these years if they nabbed me for that?

So, we have some work tomorrow.  Nice that the house manager expressed concern that someone might "scoop me up and take me away" paying me a tidy sum.   She has a higher opinion of my worth than I do sometimes.  God, get rid of this damned recurring impulse to smoke!  It just rushed over me again.

Why do some people have that misguided urge to self destruct?   Maybe lack of challenging and positive activity.   And that feeling like I'm never home.  I left Memphis in search of home, and this is closer to it, but not yet.

Home will be found when true integrity is achieved; mind body and spirit all in sync.   I had it once or twice, for a short time.   One day I'll have it again, I hope.   It seems like it is all about women, but it isn't.  That doesn't prevent me from being pretty sure when and where that situation will resolve, if it ever does.  It was so nice before leaving Miami that time when I was frequently presented with tempting requests but I was taken and always said, "no thanks.  Besides, I'd only break your heart."

Karma will kick you right where it hurts the most.   Well, this was a long post, the purpose of which was to fire me up a little so I can say I am not giving up.  Plus some people around here tend to rely on me as an elder in the world of people trying not to wake up dead under a dumpster.  Silly them.   I tell them ignorance is their friend in many ways.  Only a few understand how that applies.

I guess I could change my approach somewhat; maybe list my good deeds and not acknowledge the fog that presses in on me 99% of the time.  There are times when it is less heavy; when  I'm super enthused, or when something creates an adrenaline rush.

Anger gives a little rush but not the right kind. It makes it worse, unless it is the type that responds to perceived rejection or lack of respect by propelling me into some kind of action.  But that is rare.  No, I'm better served with blind internal zealotry and faith that I can be of some good use.

Karma put me here.  I know both sides of most of the things I experience, good and bad.  The down side of now is no mystery regarding how it came to be.  But the permanence of such unpleasantness may be mitigated by choice.  Doing the right thing usually doesn't please everyone, including me, especially at first.

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Speaking of a long way from home, this proves I woke up on another planet:
Your tax dollars and something surreal at work.  WTF?  Thank you, I no longer feel like the craziest guy in the room--whoever is behind this has me beat, hands down!

This just cannot be real.  No no no.  I have a higher opinion of humanity than to think they go along with this.  

California Dreaming part 252014

You think I'm making this stuff up about California cops, particularly Highway Patrol?

A car rolled over on a major highway, locally.  The cop did not like where the firefighter parked.  He pulls him away from treating the two injured people to arrest him.  All caught on the news. It is on video.  This still makes it look pleasant, but on video the cop is being all out of control coplike.
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And just because I liked it, I lifted this photo from the Free State Project---that is a New Hampshire thing, with a lot of radicals not all too different from me.  I keep toying with the idea of moving there, but it is cold, and maybe I won't.  Tough days.

One Manifesto Away from a Cabin in the Woods

That is how a stand up comedienne, whose day job is hair shop owner, described me.  I am not the unabomber. Is that how he spelled it?  Anyway, I liked the description.  The woman is funny, but for the first time ever with her, I do not care for the haircut.

That is what happens when you go in angry.  I have not been angry in a long time.  Anyone who bothers to read this stuff may not know that, but it is true.  I rarely feel that physical anger that engulfs your whole body from the inside like it could explode.  I get over it.

Lots of people pretend they never feel any of these things.  I find that there is a fine line between raging sadness looking to explode, and passion for an idea or principle.  Or just passion for anything.  I think many people are liars whether they know it or not.   I see a lot of that with hard core atheists and hard core evangelical types.  Both seem so unsure of their beliefs that they have to beat you up with them in an effort to convince themselves.

The extreme example would be those people who will behead you for saying anything they don't like about their imaginary deceased friend, pbuh.  Or even drawing a picture or cartoon of him, or for pointing out that their culture and brand of religion is mass psychosis, bless their black little hearts.

This is why I do not believe in predestination, that every move of every person is already mapped out and known in the mind of God.  I'm just not on board that it works that way.  What could be a bigger waste of time than that?   No, it's free will.  God would never have mapped out the behavior of various newsmen, Ted Kennedy, Kim Jong Un, his dad, Che, Fidel, many prosecutors and lawyers, the El Cajon branch of the CA highway patrol, etc.

Just not buying it.  Neither do I buy the substitutes people keep craving in the form of omnipotent governmental entities.  And maybe google.  Friggin google is becoming infused and enmeshed in and with all that is.  And google pretends to know your every thought, and tries to anticipate your thoughts as if they are already mapped out and it knows.

This causes me to believe that google wants you to believe that it is God, and that it knows your destiny.  I refuse to give in and cooperate, wherever resistance is still possible.

So why am I angry?   I'm angry because of my own deficiencies, and the misguided consciousness of my fellow humans which allows an authoritarian police state which baffles me to exist.  And I'm angry because I don't know what I want, and when I think I do, I don't know how to get it.  And I'm angry for caring.

Anger separates a person from others and from whatever spiritual thing there is.  You wouldn't know it since so many people who claim to be on a spiritual path seem loud and angry.  But that is why I do not follow such people or believe their sincerity.  They want to be sincere, maybe.  Their egos must be as much in control as mine.  But I do not want anyone looking to me for holiness.

I tracked down my errant friend.  Not in jail or a hospital.  I thought he ran away from home but he says he got kicked out.  I see both sides and want none of that aspect.   Girls just want money and power, and drunks just want to drink.  Can't blame God for that mess.  He drinks, she kicks him out and she takes what he provided.  A match made in heaven. Born again virgins unite. Both have their points, though it seems she's being a bit financially opportunistic as she stands on principle.  Tough one.
Sometimes a guy like that drinks for a day just to get cut loose, I think.   And she put up with it a few times in the past because of the financial security.  Security(money) trumps a nice guy every time, so I hope I never again hear some woman complain about there being no nice guys around.  They do not want them and everyone knows this---another part of the big pretense.

I wish I'd never been able to glimpse past the big pretense on so many matters.  It left me cynical and questioning the nature of life, reality and spirit.  It can't be that flat and worthless and empty.  People can't be that shallow, not even me.  Can they?
I guess so..
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Ever Think They May Be Right?

Once in awhile, when I know someone misses my point, or misreads my intent, I get a little angry and confused.

First I think, "Hey you don't get it at all", and if it has to do with something like cops or professors whining about pay while playing that selfless public servant card, I add name calling--in my mind--like perverted bully moron liar.  My experience with police and teachers, other than a few stellar standouts has not been good.  The public school teachers and administrators in many places should be thrilled that they haven't been subjected to the scrutiny priests and some others have enjoyed.

South Miami schools, especially the junior high, would have lost all the phys ed coaches, most of the faculty, and most of the administration, had justice been in the neighborhood.  Other schools would have probably fared somewhat better, but still taken a good hit.  The Big Pretense in matters of public "service" and male-female relationships has been around a long long time.

Certain rules of the pretense code are simply not to be violated.  It is a secret, tacit ritual.  We pretend.  And some of us rebel, and rebel, and wonder what to do, and this group tends to angrily do themselves no big favors in the scheme of things.  Eventually it can tire one out to the point where he stops and thinks, "Maybe I am wrong and They are right".

So, that person, someone like me, tries to put away that emotional feeling that makes him want to single handedly run a Cuban blockade in a speedboat or crash the California roadblocks at 80 MPH.

He settles down.  "Why am I so enraged?"  Oh, it must be that he's misunderstood.  I don't know if he's like me or not at this point, but I stop and say, "You nearsighted nincompoop!!  Of course you are misunderstood!".  That's why the holy man said it is better to seek to understand than to be understood.  He knew I don't even understand myself, and people rarely get anything straight.

If you've ever been close to a news story and read or watched the official report you know the truth is rarely put out without some falsehood to accompany it.

They are probably part right.  People will miss the mark.  You'll feel like you have been somehow stamped with a false label.  Best to leave it.  Efforts to correct the record tend to further confuse it.  And there may be something worthwhile in the half truths laid before you.

Hell with it.  If those you think are impostors and charlatans really are, time and circumstance will tell.

This sort of abstract nonsense is the kind of thing that covers one's own reality, and probably one's own illness.  Better to ignore some things.

Famous people and friends can wake up dead with a needle in their arm or pills and bottles scattered about.  It gets tiring and old.  The wise thing is to know just how close to this circumstance indulging frustration can take a guy.  So it is best not to indulge frustration to that extent.  Better to gain a little understanding rather than to expect or crave to be understood.  Worry over being misunderstood has put many in the grave, and under the dumpster.

Happy f'ing bithday, misfit