No More Wake Up Calls. I Can't Afford It

The perpetual screw up is forever fielding wake up calls.   I hate wake up calls.  They always bring stark reality into focus and that is not what I want to see.  The reality is always the same.  The warnings always the same.

Wake up!!  You need more money because you may die or have health issues.
Wake up!!  You need more money so you can at least find a gold digger and pretend she gives a damn. Otherwise you will have to settle for being a solo vegetarian loser; no one wants you without a big payoff.
Wake Up!!! You need more money because the goddam Check Engine light came on at night, on the mountain, on the way home from playing with the local group for the first time in months.   Like all bands I've ever been part of they ignore my advice about the name.  There are other Copper Creeks so I do not approve of labeling the group such a thing.  Old news, done deal.

I want to name it "I Probably Need Money Because That Check Engine Light Might Mean I have to Pay Money".  Or maybe just call it Check Engine Light.

Haven't seen any other groups with that name.  I checked on line and there are other west coast Copper Creeks.  Same issue in Memphis.  Tons of bands with the same name as that band.  But it wasn't Copper Creek.

This group listens most of the time, so I can't complain.  I'm just really annoyed at this check engine madness.  I'm not feeling optimistic about things in general.   My faith in everything tends to wane.   I'm thinking that anyone with any sense would not love me.  So don't be talking for Jesus and them.  The rest of everyone only pretends sometimes because it is such a fun sadistic game.   Most people I get emotionally attached to,  are cruel sadists.  They deny it, I'm pretty sure.  Deny if they want, that changes nothing.

Check Engine Light.  You have no idea the string of senseless adjectives and expletives I am putting in front of those words in my mind.   I'd kick and punch it if I could.

Some of us hang by a thread and we always have.  Some of them have all the answers, but don't live in my skin so maybe they don't really know it all.  Maybe they do.  It should be very easy being me.  It is not easy or hard.  It mostly makes no sense.  At one time it made even less.

One little light can send me into a raging spiral diving straight into the dirt.  That doesn't make a lot of sense does it?  And those who can only imagine their own condition and have no ability to extrapolate from experience to conclude they do not know it all, have quippy, maddening wisdom at times like this.  But there are times when those things do not really fit the moment.  More sadist fun, I guess.

Never let them know they fazed you.  And soon enough you are back in the flow of things, provided that stupid Check Engine Light issue gets resolved or goes away for another 2 months.

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What Surprises Me is that Anyone is Surprised

I'm also curious why none find it strange that those least affected by any of this were so hot to get complicated bills, which they didn't read, and couldn't understand if they had, passed.  No chance their campaigns, crony business pals, and other nefarious items could have been in the mix.

Then there is always the "we have to do something!!!!!!!!" panic attack argument which is highly popular.   Never mind if the action is counter productive, wrong, immoral or abusive; by Godt, action  is being taken!!

Failing that, "you are racist and that is why you notice that Obama is a puppet, a charlatan, often lies, and has  a core view of government far different from what you think is right.   Yep, you're just racist.  Unless you are Black.  In that case if you disagree with this administration you aren't black enough, so you don't count.  And everyone not black who agrees with you is racist.".   No arguing with that logic. And that is the plan.

Unbelievable.  Buy or die?  That is the question.

It's Too Crazy, but they are the people with the guns

WASHINGTON -- Rep. John Dingell (D-Mich.) is retiring from Congress after 59 years.

Dingell will make the announcement Monday at a luncheon in Downriver, Mich.,according to the Detroit News.

"I’m not going to be carried out feet first," he told the paper. "I don’t want people to say I stayed too long."

I'll say it, you nutcase.

Hey Mr. Dingell, you stayed way too long.   You overstayed by somewhere between  quarter and half a century.  And your dumbass colleagues went out of their way to celebrate your abuse of the system.  They know, you know, and I know that turning elected office into a career, replete with benefits and pension, is at the core of our corrupt, unjust, immoral, over reaching, authoritarian governmental condition.

That you and your pals would be celebrating and publicly praising this deadly flaw in our system shows that you understand full well that the public's capacity to be suckered is seemingly endless.  I'll bet you and your buds even have the nerve to use the "public service" tag as if decades of power, special treatment, benefits, and now pensions, not to mention perks from cronies needing favorable contracts and legislation, is a noble, holy sacrifice which deserves the thanks of those whose money you burn.

The mentality reflected in the accolades given because the guy is the longest "serving" member of Congress, ever, show how far gone people have become, and how so many think government is God, and that all this crazy nonsense is OK and makes sense.   Many in the world of cool elitist, tediously intellectual (so you'll notice and say, "wow you're smart") academia, and other fields dependent upon the government dollar, will spin this sort of abuse of the representative system into something sacred, and a higher calling than whatever normal taxpayers do to get by. 

I'm finding myself in an uncomfortable quandary now and then.   I have been irately opposed to our foreign policy for most of my life, and haven't been a fan of the last several wars in which we've involved ourselves , how we conducted those wars, or how we extricated ourselves from them, in those cases in which we did.  Bosnia?  I don't care.  VietNam, don't care. Iraq, don't care.  Afghanistan, don't care.  Certainly not enough to say, hey I'm going to give my life for this cause---whatever it is.  Usually you get no clear consistent answers regarding the purposes and goals of modern skirmishes.  

If I have not liked any of the wars, and do not like the little domestic games being played for "protection against terror", how can I blindly, and sincerely say to everyone in the military, "Thank you for your service?"    I backed out, at the last minute, of a slot to go to fighter training, partly because I knew I couldn't follow orders given by corrupt idiots with whom I disagreed.  They were not going to say, "hey let's take Cuba today!!  We'll give back the property that Castro stole, as best we can, and we'll make them use their constitution that both Batista and Castro ignored, then we'll have fun on the beach and be happy".  That would have been great.  I would have enjoyed serving under that kind of attitude, but NO.

I suspected I'd find myself at odds with the brass, and that I wouldn't last long.  I would have started an international incident, or refused to do something.

I appreciate a defense department, but an offense department deployed for dubious, vague and often conflicting reasons does not inspire my support.  I know that 99.5% of those in the military do not think like I do.  Over half are there because it has good benefits, provides funding for college and is a good way to get out of an early life rut, to get away from family and grow up.   The awesome skill, intelligence, drive and discipline some military jobs, like SEAL, require are quite admirable.   But they are under control of less than honorable people who give no good honorable reasons for how the military is used.

I'd say thanks, but when was the last posturing of our military one of defense instead of off the wall wars in countries where even the good guys are raving religious fanatics and lunatics?   When was it a matter of defense instead of such a web of deceptive and varied interests that no one can unravel it?  I don't know.  I wish I could thank the good people who are "just doing their jobs" under the management and direction of bad people with dishonest and/or immoral motives, but I can't do without feeling like I am lying.  But I usually keep quiet and pretend to be into it. 

It is a lie.  I do not thank policemen either.  Once in awhile their job does not involve bothering people who need not be bothered, and in a non bullying way.  They get paid.  I'm giving no extra thanks.  I've seen more of their abuse and bullying than I've seen of their help.  And help is their job.  Not like they do it for free.  They get pensions.  Most people do not these days.

Thank you for your service, and I'd thank you even more if you refused to do the wrong thing. I do offer my sympathies for those who have to serve under impossible rules of engagement dodging the political correctness police at every juncture.


At least most government workers who get obscene perks and privilege, like the astute Congressman Dingell, don't bleed the rest of the world dry for half a century. His father only did it for a couple of decades before Johnny boy ran for his dad's old congressional seat. Must be a locked in district.

The wars on poverty, drugs, and terror have all three done very little to alleviate poverty, diminish drug use, or make us safer, freer, and any less annoyed by lunatic factions and lunatic states of the world.  The cool thing is that we've enriched many slumlords on the local level, helped enrich and empower drug lords and thugs all over this hemisphere, removed any pretense of rights against arbitrary search and seizure, and helped arm and enrich the same terrorists and evil countries we now label as enemy.

This clown will most likely be on someone's payroll as consultant, influence peddler, connected jerk, lobbyist before the day is out. It is shameless and you'd think they'd play down the fact that this guy has been bilking the public for nearly sixty years. But the public is easily herded, even the supposedly intelligent contingent of the population. So they go along with the party. The news goes along, of course; they are the government's sales force and have been since before this Dingell clown ever served his first term.




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Trying to Grow Up

I think I finally know one person who is as un-grown up for her age as I am.   Not the bratty, petty kind of immature you see around town, but a certain brand of clueless that is rarer and not so hostile.  Takes one to know one, I suppose.

Coincidentally this comrade of clueless is the first female my age I ever met.  One of the first, if not the first non-adult females I met in this life.  It takes one to know one, and that means I see trouble.

Maybe she was mean so I just assumed they all were.  No wonder my life has been an unproductive, can't get past "that" disaster.  I may have been too clueless to achieve anything better.

Clueless people can do a number on hearts and feelings without having any idea how to avoid it.   Good thing I replaced my blood with ice water.

Can't get to me.

It is absolutely absurd to have feelings or dreams of any kind at my age.  But my dreams more involve one day actually living in reality.  Reasonably, and happily living life as it is, not as I wish or imagine it to be.  Away from the annoying sadness than can be allowed too much power and attention.

A confusing thought which has nothing to do with this came to my attention.  OK.  I've always hated that abortion became a big topic over the years.   But then I was thinking, what if a woman gets pregnant, and the guy wants to keep the child, offers to raise it with or without the woman, be married or not, whatever it takes 100% out to do whatever he can, and the woman says no, this baby is not going to term?

If she wanted it and he turned his back, then he's an evil deadbeat and any number of stereotypical bad guy things.  The state may even chase him down for money.

If she doesn't want it, the argument is that it is her choice and she's asserting her rights, etc.  Probably the word "empower" is in there somewhere.  It's always in there, especially when a double standard might be in the mix.  And Mr. Man needs being put in his place.

It does seem a double standard.  Mr. Man is on the hook at her whim.   She chooses whether she is on the hook or not.  He has no say in the matter unless she gives him a say.

I'm just observing, not setting out the rules.

One thing for sure, a guy is smartest to avoid getting her pregnant unless he wants to.  And if it gets strange and confusing, be damned sure it is yours, especially  if the confusion includes buzz words like "empower", and other sexist dog whistle words that mean "screw you. Suffer an die, Mr Man!".  

You may never know the true paternity if she opts to abort.   That may even be her motive--to avoid discovery of her duplicitous behavior.  It can make you wonder, even decades after the fact.

Women have it hard.  But they do manage a great deal in the way of choosing when the rules are the same and when they aren't.  When government tries to ignore nature and dangles the promise of empowerment,  chances are it is not what it appears.  Many times what passes for a victory and hard fought gain can be an odd form of dehumanizing enslavement in disguise.

Whatever all that means, I do wonder how many abortions are had to avoid the possibility of the true paternity being discovered.  We'll never know the answer to some questions.  Or maybe the fact that one need ask is answer enough.
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You're Funny

was going to go in and correct, because I just checked to see what I'd written and noticed a lot of missing letters.  Keyboard issue.  Too much trouble. Bet should be best.  Whole words, like they, may be missing. Lots first last or middle letters

I'll assume she meant that in the best possible sense of the phrase.   That's what she said.

And I'm thinking, "No kidding.  I'm one of the greatest humorists of our time.  Nice of you to catch on."  But I don't actually say that because what if I'm wrong, or maybe she doesn't like world class wit?

You never know.  Maybe she meant funny as a synonym for peculiar.   Hmmm.  Maybe that one's got my number.  I guess either use of the word is applicable.

Do you ever step back and notice how, in some cases, any attention you get is a big deal to you?  I do.  But I end up categorizing these thing so I don't get carried away.   I'll just think, "OK, that is some of my favorite attention".

But sometimes, if I see someone that needs a jump, or coolant, or a tire pumped up,  I think if I were they, I'd like a little help.  That's one kind of attention I like if I'm stuck.

So, every now and then I end up with a hitchhiker or assist a little with whatever needs it at the time.  It is great material for writing someday, and there have been interesting adventures as a result of my gregarious roadside manner.  Been awhile.  I only deal with people who don't overly creep me out.  Only a few do.

But there are other types of attention that rank up there, and are just as fun to give as to get.   Part of how life is made.  It's odd that some of us have to check our natural inclination to throw things out of balance.  Good things reportedly come with responsibility.  Bummer.

Then again, how would I know?  My first instinct is to ignore the tempering influence of reality.  Or I just run because, Who mistakenly sent anything good and fun my way?  I don't rate this.  I see it in writing and I wonder, "how could I ever think that?  I'm the most worthy, and the best catch of all the unglamorous, unqualified, one-in-a-billion catches on the whole block!   I'm more fun than a barrel of monkeys, if you ask me.

I've noticed a lot of stuff online lately which expresses total disdain for believe in God or anything akin to that, and expresses criticism for faith of any kind.   Yet it seems to me that they have forgotten that much of what is thought to be true in science is theory.  It holds and may be demonstrable, but it is not the whole big picture or the infinitely small picture.  It works for now.

I can see where misguided attitudes and antics, under the banner of religion can be problematic.  But I'm not sure why the hostility I'm seeing.  The word idiots is thrown around a lot.

Of course, many of these people are highly immersed in the business of politicizing science and pushing the idea that government should oversee and control research.  Another cronyism issue when the curtain is thrown back.  And it plays into the arrogance, vanity and territorial jealousy which is absolutely rampant in government funded scientific circles and throughout academia in this country.

The nuanced message many of these armchair geniuses put out is an unquestioning worship of what "science says".  Just trying to put themselves where God used to be.  Otherwise, when not directly affected, why so hostile?

Don't get me wrong, I like advances in science.  But many of the people pushing things in the name of science have no first hand skill as far as math, physics, etc. go, so they can be made to believe anything.    They just like to cheer for government action while jeering the evil corporation, and facts be damned.  Argue, and the next thing you know the discussion will devolve into something to do with George W Bush.

Here's my point.  I, and any real scientist who is honest, admit that what we know now, is the bet we have, at this point, until or if we find out different.

I'm no idiot, and I think there is more than meets the eye.  I think people who fanatically ram religious concepts angrily at people are actually in doubt and trying to convince themselves.   Fanatic Muslims just want to get laid, and if it takes holy death and being a corpse to get at them there 72 virgins the o be it.  Religion does some crazy ass things.

So do politically inspired scientists.  In the span of fifty years they've gone from raising hell about a coming ice age to global warming.  Maybe the cited the same causes both times.  Hell if know, I was too scared to think.

Odd that the answer is always more tax money.  It is BS.

But somehow this is supposed to divide between those who believe in something divine, and those who can reason and are sane and love solutions like taxing those evil whoever.  Smart people see the need for more tax and greater authority vested in regulatory agencies of any sort.  Or so the people who claim to be smart tell me, and the world.   If you don't agree, then you are not smart, deserve lol, and the smart will say that you are ignorant and superstitious, maybe racist, maybe George Bush--either one, or both, and you aren't like them and should be strung up, or run out of town, because you lack diverity and aren't tolerant like the smart people.

That's what they tell you.  Some smart people are so blinded by their own ego that they cannot see reality at all.  And they do reinforce one another, with their repetitive tired jokes and self congratulatory nonsense.   Often I find the ones who believe in something to be a little more peaceful an helpful than others.  Not the crazy fanatics.  The ones who try for the right thing.

Seriously, if you think placing your faith and trust in human authorities and governments is likely to bring better result than God or other power not easy to prove or disprove, you are nuts.  Governments shoot people and put them in cages, and harass them about all manner of things.  Most modern deists and churches don't do a lot of that.  Maybe some have little sexual field trips, but compared to governments and law enforcement they are squeaky clean.  Didn't say they were squeaky clean, just compared to.

So many officials are flaming crooks and sexual predators and offenders that it hardly makes the news when they decide to nail one.  Become an electable politician; get rich, get laid.  That is how it works to a great degree.  A few just settle for the first part.  The ones whose spouses would shoot them between the eyes if they strayed.

I have doubts on definitions and certain elements of history and certain bible things.  But I don't get the outright hostility and push to pretend an absolute knowledge under the church of "science".  You start making a religion out of science, then it i no longer science.  Tying it up with tax dollars and government is not a mark of validity.

I'm sometimes funny.  Extra funny.  More fun than a barrel of monkeys

Best thing yet in Connecticut is lack of new gun rule respect from citizens

"...If you pass laws that people have no respect for and they don’t follow them, then you have a real problem.”

That's a classic quote from a politician in Connecticut.  They were talking about how gun owners hadn't run to nearest sheriff to register the weapons, despite the new law.

The man behind the quote was some sort of state senator I think.   I only saved that bit of quote, the page and all else are long gone from my easy access.  

But doesn't it do your heart good when people ignore official overstep?  It does mine good.  

Of course you are going to have a real problem if you try to enforce laws on people which they do not respect.  And to the degree they respect themselves, they ignore you and the law you rode in on, and they do not acknowledge your authority over their being.   And you have nerve enough to whine and call it a problem as if the people are the problem, and not people like you creating and trying to enforce stupid laws.  

I don't care what your cause is, if you pass stupid measures to cure the ill, yet your cure is nonsense.  Calling you out on it does not mean I hate babies or whatever your cause is.  It just means you are spouting nonsense or violating personal rights.

I'm still shaking my head.  Ever consider making fewer laws and learning to respect personal boundaries in the process?  

I'm not sure I'd do well in CT.  Not sure there wouldn't be a cultural personality conflict.   Maybe it really is more laid back out here.  But they are not shy about making laws here any more than there.  And whether it is something based on junk science, the word of a child molester, you name it, in CA they'll get the damn thing done, even if it is wrong.  "It is better than doing nothing".

What a day, when they all say, "we've got a problem, no one is obeying our draconian, busy-body, poorly thought out, intrusive, oppressive laws".  That's when the citizens will have begun to do their job.  Non-compliance.  They can always lie cheat and steal and get into office, especially if you have crooked and greedy running against greedy and crooked.  There is not much difference in reality.

So it cracks me up that someone is all worked up over something that is not likely to make people less violent, and safer overall. 

The more people quit making the state into a religion or a god, the better off they'll be.  

Another of Those "Be happy, even if it kills you" Days

Do you have any idea how tough it was for us to buy Father's day cards?  It was for me.  Sometimes these trumped up days of guilt are not a good thing.   It was a pretend thing on Father's day, but it was rare I crossed paths or saw the need for a card when I did, I looked for something that said things along the lines of, "Hey, gee golly, you sure are my dad! How 'bout that".  Stuff that wasn't mean but contained no lies, like almost all the cards.  Now I guess they are less gender specific and ore diverse--whatever that means.

If you appreciate your father's fathering and general behavior, can't you just say so?  Shouldn't he already have a clue whether he's worth a damn or not?   Another inconvenient day when maybe you have better things to do.

Same goes for all these crumby holidays.  Bah humbug!  Oh, that's the wrong one.  But even then a lot of people can feel awful for not having a bunch of money to spend.

Screw that.  If people can't handle you day by day, and then expect something on predetermined trumped up days, then who needs those people?  Not me.

Valentine's is a great one.  I can't remember it ever working out right.  Either I did really nice things and ended up pretty much casting pearls before swine, or I had to work a lot and had no time or energy for it, always something.

I must have blocked the day from my memory because I do not recall a single Valentine's day of any sort.  I only recall feeling bad or unappreciated or like I wasted my time on it.

Valentine's day must be added to my ever growing list of things that are the devil.

Then again, reality aside, way aside, this year I actually could play that game.  However, reality is, I'm sitting on top of the world and I woke up this mornin' and my baby done gone and left me.

Except she wasn't here to begin with.  I said I was putting reality way off to the side somewhere.

Despite what they say, most of the women I know make more than me or my hoodlum friends thee days.  So the pressure should be on them.  Equal everything, "I can hold my own door you pig", and all that.

Times have changed.  Other than me, it isn't the guys on the highway flipping you the finger these days.  I remember when those women would go out of their way to smile at me.  Not now.

They flip you off and don't even bring you a Valentine flower.  I hope none who ever gave me a flower see this.   Wish I could remember who those sweet girls were.  Dumb me, I wouldn't have known the good ones if they bit me on the butt.

Now that I think of it, never mind.

How many people who are otherwise doing fine, feel the pressure of Valentine's day and try to force it?  An that just results in tension, friction, phony nonsense; maybe even divorce or ugly breakup.  All for nothing.

If she doesn't know you like her then she either isn't paying attention or you are being secretive.   No one needed to create a gold digger's dream of a shakedown holiday.

This is a wonderful one for the guy who has a main squeeze and a designing mistress.   You know the type--she is convinced he'll leave the wife and kids, lose all his family and friends, just for her.

And she's not about to make his secret any easier to handle.  He has to play Valentine's Day for both the wife an the one about to ruin his life.

The other chick and the egomaniac deserve one another, but if they are not in the shadows sneaking and deceiving, the whole thing loses its charm.  Another of those crazy problems created by V Day.

Maybe they all had another man and that's why V Day was not so great.  Some guys get off purely on the thought that they are violating another man's sweetie.  That is very sad, isn't it?  Ego related things can be ugly.

So to hell with Valentine's day. I've convinced myself that everyone is either cheating, gold digging, or simply ungrateful swine.

We need a send me to therapy day to fix all this.  Once a year, instead of flowers, deliver a therapist to my doorstep.  Yay. Finally problem solved. What did it take, about a two foot long post?
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Sometimes the trouble makers get caught

Sittin' On Top of the World

It's been pointed out that I live on top of the world, and don't have much traffic and neighbors aren't right there in my face.  This is all true.  But if you recall the song, the part that comes before is, "She's gone, but I don't worry.  Cuz I'm sittin' on top of the world".  He's not telling the truth.  He wishes she wasn't gone.  But under the circumstances he's making the best of it.

I'm somewhat like that, although I live an easier, more genteel existence since I'm not hopping trains and such.  Even so, I woke up this morning, and she wasn't here.

Am I too old to fix that?  One minute I think, Yes, you are too old. Life is over for you and you blew it.  God hates you for being such a waste of space, and so do I.  Then the next minute I think, you aren't too old, and if you quit being too stupid, you could do alright.  Just do what you know you need to do, and let the chips fall where they may.  It will be OK.

Bouncing from one thing to the other.   I don't literally mean the God hate part, but the sentiment is there.  No doubt the sort of taunting evil religious siblings use to abuse one another.  Wish I'd have thought of that at an early age.

If I had launched that campaign soon enough I might have had the upper hand.  I was never a controller though, so he beat me to the punch and I have been forever convinced that I am worthless, stupid, disgusting, and troublesome.  I am actually a little troublesome.  The rest, no.  But try convincing me of that.  Of course he had the advantage of being able to start before I could talk.   It's a wonder I never went postal on the males in my family.

Now that I think of it.  Maybe it is best for everyone that I am on top of the world, alone.  I'm not sure about any of it.  Some angel will fill me in on what to do or not do eventually.

---- Me, And The Horse I Rode In On

Some would say, "And the horse on which I arrived"; being overly concerned about ending sentences with words like on, in, of, and other prepositions.   I don't care.  

And the more I read discussions among the compulsively rationalizing academic people who are certain that they could and should change the world, and that they know what is best for "the masses" or the "99%", the less I care about anything that smacks of, "look how smart and educated I am".

But that is irrelevant.   I'm always starting off on irrelevant tangents.  I knew I was only imagining a certain something that is never ever going to cross my path.  It is my sentence for past transgressions.   Most of the sentence was commuted, so why complain?  I have no right to do that.

If all goes well, I may end up being of some use.  People often think they are useful or helpful in a positive way, but they don't really know.  They can hope, and I believe that it is right to have a good motive.  But the true nature of the result in the big picture,  grand scheme of things is unknown.  Or at least I think it is.

I know some screw-ups say, "look at me, don't do what I did or you'll end up like me.  Learn from my mistakes."  And they think they are helpful.  I don't think I learn much from the mistakes of others.  Maybe a little, sometimes, but not much.  I hardly seem to learn from my own mistakes.  Or so it seems at times.

In the old days I'd just drink and drive better than that screw up.  It did not work out well, but there were plenty of other people making obvious mistakes from which I did not learn.

Rode in on one of those, probably.  Or else I'll ride out on one

As far as other things that hit me where I live, I guess I most like and crave the companionship of those who are unlikely to ever be able to take me and my glitches.  

That thing.  I can't explain it, and no one else can.  "He's alright if you can get past 'that'".   I guess no one has ever put it better than my brother.  At least it gave me a clue. Sort of.

It is what makes me wonder about life and beyond.  And I tend not to believe anyone who claims absolute faith, or absolute disbelief and lack of faith.  Right now, I believe nothing and no one.  

As long as I want nothing and expect nothing from anyone, I am safe.  If I am safe I feel no love or anything else for anyone.  I can't help but feel a little so I try to be useful just to keep from going totally crazy in a sad sort of way.  Well, I do feel but I'd rather just put that aside, and acknowledge no love or anything else. That better states the process.

People are mostly very unkind in the ways it matters the most, so I have to dodge that because I do not enjoy it at all.   Stay on the giving end, like a sort of guerrilla philanthropist; do what you can then get the hell out of Dodge, except I'm not one whose deeds involve much money.

I think I have finally learned a little bit.  I give up on most things--I just can't control much in life.  And it is about time to decide the question that never seems to go away for long.   

Some things in Sochi make sense.  Not the NBC people there, but some things.

Winter Olympics are the best. If there is reincarnation, bring me back as a downhill skier or one of those people who flies around on a snowboard

Or just put it off. I'm in no mood for chronic questions.  Kick that one down the road, again.

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Feeling Lyrical

Being an ascetic is not all it is cracked up to be.  Not that it is really cracked up to be anything.  Or that I am disciplined in the art of self denial.  But maybe in some way I am.

Now I am confused, once again.  I hope you're happy!!!

Today at the Sombrero. Cliff playing a song I wrote.  Wasn't my idea but I like it.

"no more mr nice guy, no more mr easy, call me mr spice guy, call me mr sleazy!" Has to do with Oprah and Dr Phil, Cosmo, etc. convincing women their love life sucks.  Was kind of a joke, but Cliff saw the lyrics and ran with it. People like it, much to my surprise

Ever notice when people say, "I hope you're happy!!", they don't really mean it at all?   I used to be so naive and gullible that I half believed they might actually be serious.  That often led to a peculiar dynamic.  Like when southerners say, "Oh no! Don't rush off so soon!"  They mean, nice seeing you, bye, don't let the door hit you on the way out. Go home now.  Took me forever to realize that.

When I figured out their real meaning about hoping I was happy, I'd feel compelled to prove I wasn't happy, just to please them and not be hated for happiness in their world where it is all my fault.  That is a mistake.  I'd advise doing everything you can to be even happier when confronted with that bit of sarcastic well wishing.

I'm feeling lyrical.  The never ending (or beginning) tune that keeps evolving in my mind, with ever changing lyrics found a new phrase I like.  Even the phrase has no definite beginning, but I'm saving this part:...time stands still, until she says goodbye.

Time is so non-linear to me.  If I'm in a certain space because of the person I'm with or the conversation, or when focussing on something that has my passionate attention, it is like visiting another dimension where there is no time.  Then I come back to earth, or wherever it is that bills get paid and police hide in the bushes, and hours may have passed.  Or even days.

That dimension is my favorite.  That is why I play music.  It may only be a few minutes of that state of suspended animation, but it is like setting foot in Heaven for a brief time.  Once in a blue moon or maybe once in a hundred blue moons a certain person's company or attention can put you there.  But it is the most fragile of ways into that space because of the reality of the material world and all the ways there are to screw it up.

Do you run?  What do you do when you are so unprepared?  Kick yourself for giving up and almost going broke?  Or maybe deciding you will not give up and just trust the only things that ever worked.

There is a tuning in sort of thing that is the only way I ever managed anything.  It is hard to explain.  Even when I would do heavy math.  Others always seemed to have some strict explainable methodology, and credited their wonderful superior intelligence.   I always felt guilty because it didn't seem to work the same with me, even if I did very well at whatever it was.

Even when I was learning to fly.  I lucked into an instructor who must have got it.  And I did well enough that on the commercial check ride the inspector asked if I minded doing certain landings over, and would I tell him how I did it so he could better help students having trouble.  Cool.  But what do you do?  It's like Chevy Chase in Caddy Shack, "be the ball".

The point is, in deference to some of my beloved relatives who dispute any other dimensions than those we see, who dispute any Prime Mover or intelligence behind life, creation, and all that is, I have tried to operate "normally", as if I am the prime mover, and I do not do so well with that.  When I throw that out the window and trust that "thing" which involves tuning in rather than forcing the thought or action, I do better.

When I was little, like seven to ten years old, and I had the chance to run with a football against kids in the neighborhood, just about all of whom were older, I enjoyed that other dimension, timeless feeling.  And I did very well.  Coaches tried to recruit me for little league but the family said no.  But I knew that feeling of not thinking, just being.  Believe it or not, that was a spiritual space.  I see that now.

Blind faith is about all there is to go on sometimes.  But you have to incorporate doing stuff.  I'm not explaining this well.  Simply put, my impulsive course of action is to self destruct, rush in when I should hold back and be patient, or be negligently inactive when I should move--anything to avoid true success and hit the mark.

And now, I have to avoid panic or any stupid fear based radical action.  I know something about what I want (for lack of better way to put it), more than I have in I don't know how long; maybe ever.

Whatever happens I am not going back to where I was ever in the past. And if I don't get my way, then maybe I need to alter what constitutes my way.  Except I know what I know, and it would be almost easier not to.  It will be OK.  I think something is OK.  But it changes everything I can't be a slacker any more.  This is really not easy.  Odd that good things, positive change, and the right thing are often met with internal freak out madness.  That's because I want what I want right this minute, and  see now immediate way.  We shall see.