ObablablaInsurance etc.

So, I've been doing pay as I go, and the medicos I encounter know this.  They've cut me some breaks yet have put off possibly time sensitive investigations due to the possible escalation of expense.  Probable cause and treatment for the condition of being me is somewhat narrowed down at this point.

Here's the deal; after investigating the life affecting annoyances of "intractable itching" attacks, and the inner, outer, emotional, physical, spiritual characteristics attendant to this malady, I decided it is worth pursuing treatment.  I don't think an actual cure exists.  However, in my case, things could be OK, just "managed".  "Managed" is a word that means prohibitively expensive.  Hence this whole healthcare insurance scam and bamboozle.

We went from flim flammed to bamboozled.  People seemed to think bamboozle would be an improvement.  OK.  Whatever.

I'm shamefully going to let the people of California take on my burdens.  Why would I do that?  Because they insist.  Do or die.  Buy or die.  We're here to help.  Play along or be punished.

I gave up.  Sort of.

Two reasons as near as I can tell.  One: I am no longer thinking an early exit is the best thing and inevitable.  I think life is worth it even when it isn't--to a point.

And, secondly, I always found Don Quixote a profoundly depressing character and idea.  Fighting it is like US senators wringing hands and apologizing to the truly brutal segment of the world because they put prisoners through what they put many special forces, and all fighter pilots through in the course of training--waterboarding etc.  It is just a way of asking, begging, for trouble.  It is masochistic and self defeating.

Besides, my house has to get cleaned up before I can entertain any maladies of a debilitating nature.  It will be easier to deal with blood and guts and glory than this mass of clutter.

Oh yay!  Just got a call back from Insurance Lady, a friend from a few years back.  It never quite got anywhere for various reasons beyond anyone's control.   The good news is that no one is as on top of this Bama shite as she is.  And the Californicated system.  Turns out I needed to make a little more money, rather than less, in order to qualify for the plan I am needing.  So, my estimate was reconsidered and low and behold, I believe I'll make about 3k more than originally thought.

The state lady did not let me know about that.  So, I even paid my 125.00 so if they take my money they better provide.  And starting first week in January I hope to get this thing rolling.  Obviously that's a price which includes you wonderful other people bailing my under achieving ass out.   Thank you.  It wasn't my idea.

I'm so sure I think I know what ails me that I am curious to see if it gets proved.  I'm a great trouble shooter.

We have tons of gigs or "showcases" coming up.  Showcases mean you are in with the people who get stuff done.  Those people got us the House of Blues gig.

I hope I get something mailed out for Christmas.  In any case, the fortunate things coming my way in this medical thing through friends and others is amazing.  All top notch people.  I was even the subject of a special case study and that was like thousands of dollars of exams for free.  I'm a little miffed that no one played with my junk.  Geez.
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Long story short;  oh no, I forgot!  Oh that's right, I am not an insurance outlaw.  I probably can make it through most roadblocks, if I try.  

I'd go into why people are messing up, but it would not be worth it.

This lady (singer) I'm backing up, is landing little gigs all over the place.  I feel like a slacker, although it was my friend whose friend got us our last gig, at the Stadium Club.  I think it was a success.  Bars are strange if you don't hang out in them much.  People always seem a little thick and like they are your best pal right now, but in the blink of an eye they could switch to hostile.

It's not a drinking band.  I have never seen being drunk improve musicianship.  Some claim to have witnessed such a thing.  I never have.

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Friggin' Hoodinias

For whatever morbid reasons, I was pondering the virtues of "the ones that got away".  Granted they are in a better place; and I'm not saying this in the funereal sense.   That aspect of life is merely the benefit one receives when she graduates from my finishing school for wayward women.  They all go on to do great things, achieve happiness, and confidently exercise more of their potential than they thought possible prior to encountering me.

Of curse, much of the progress described above occurs after, and only after, graduation.  It's almost uncanny, though, just how well it works.

I'm not sure which has done the best in the overall balance of things---possibly the girl with the dragon tattoo.  Possibly the one who was not that one, or the other one that was not either of those.

They all know who they are, so no need to freak out just because you are who you are and I claim credit for your good fortune.  Some little bit of credit, not all, however you probably would not have done as well without me, except for one of you. You would have done fine,  maybe.

On second thought, no, you wouldn't.  That you doesn't even know of this blog, to my knowledge.

Here's how I feel about the graduates from the Ballistic Charm Academy;  I love them, but I also hate them because they are live demonstrations of what a dumbass I am and have always been.   So, sometimes I think, "Yay for her.  How nice that she's thriving."  And sometimes I think, "Grrrr.  Get thee out of my sight!!  Let's be strangers so I can pretend I am not stupid, and that I don't know you".

When it comes down to it, I think it is all for the best.  If they graduated to do worse, that would really suck.  So, in conclusion, never mind...

One thing all have in common--by hook or crook they escaped.  Like Houdini

Too Tired, But It Keeps me Going, for now

So, now we are playing House of Blues in March.  The 10th I believe.  I'm so mind weary, and maybe physically toasted that I have trouble keeping track of what I'm doing, but I fake it well.

Provided that I am not too much more tired by March, House of B ought to be an interesting experience.  They have maybe 400 stages or so, and different times.  I forget when we play but it was designed to be a good fit, time and people-wise.

This weekend and next we have real gigs, too.  I'm hoping to get a little more steam going here.  I hide out except for essential commitments because I may be less intact than I'd like.
You would not believe the entire behind-the-scenes story, and I have no wish to lay it out.

It'll be OK.  Nothing else to think or say about it.  I really wish I believed in a simple God who was a parent I could con, and that I'd go to the best of resorts when time expires.  I have difficulty with that. I do not have difficulty believing there is much more to life than meets the eye and that it is not an accident.  But I don't know what I can really accept beyond that.

The pain and pleasure see saw that some faiths promote makes no sense.  Let's say you have seven children.  Six are real trouble makers, so you beat the hell out of the one good kid, the innocent one, to make up for the crimes of the others.  How does that possibly help, and what kind of jerk are oy, in that case?

No, I buy many things, but that is the central aspect of things I can not believe.  I think the Church lied for their own gain.  Earliest followers were not on that bus.  They had little offshoot movements. The blood and guts, illogical and psychopathic justice school won out.

And now I worry that I can't buy it.  We're here, then we aren't.  Are we don't think we are.  That's cold, and maybe just how it is.

I'll be not Home For Christmas

That is because I do not know where my home is.  Even after all these years.  I will not be traveling to family events or any of that.  I'm sticking here, and will be around some people who know me better than anyone, and still seem to value my existence.  That's not always how it goes in life.

So this year is not like last year.  No smoking and wondering when the next road trip will occur.

On facebook, I showed a picture of someone else's turkey claiming I shot it, plucked it, stuffed and cooked it.  I said I then remembered I'm a vegetarian so I gave it to a couple living under a bridge.  Damn.  People thought it was all true and gave me kudos for my selfless concern for humanity and such.

It may be that my jokes miss the mark. Or it may be that people do not pay attention or comprehend multiple sentences.  Or both.

Do you really think someone who doesn't eat turkey would go to all that trouble, only to remember they don't eat turkey?

Nothing to Fear But Fear Itself, and maybe some other stuff

The drawback to playing music, unless it is symphony or other situation with which I'm unfamiliar, is that you have to deal with lunatics who aren't always the fun kind of crazy.  And you deal with club owners, who are often quite seedy and creepy, dishonest, and unpleasant.  If you drink enough they seem like swell folks.  I don't drink so that stretch is one I can't make---from reality to thinking these creeps aren't creeps.

Obviously something set me off.  I like to play, so I put up with some nonsense in order to do so.  Mostly I like playing certain things with certain people.  

It is some consolation for sidestepping my true calling, which was broadcast in a language I didn't understand, so that explains it.  

The important thing is to hope to be of some positive value to good people.  Why be of use to bad people?  Net positive influence overall is the important thing.  To me, I think that is what counts.

No holiday travel this year.  Sometime soon I hope for a nice trip to somewhere. You never know when or if such adventures will be realized.

This looks like it will be a rather significant time.  It may be life altering.  Just how the cards fall.  That could be OK.  Or maybe nothing at all will change.

Out Loud; not brazen enough to call it thinking

Machines often goes south.  What breaks or wears out when and how is not usually a constant. It can be this or that.  And God does not just decide to be meaner to some machines than others, although I don't think he is fond of Jerry Lewis or Eric Holder.  Don't think it is a he or she, but that's neither here nor there.

I'm not sure of my outlook but I know views I don't embrace.  Most of them somehow seeded in the victim mentality.  I think my philosophy was best brought to the fore without even thinking about it, way back when Hurricane Andrew hit South Florida.

People were calling themselves hurricane victims.  I couldn't quite embrace that.  Mostly because of the attitude surrounding that.  Trees fall on people.  People get struck by lightening.  It's all physics at play.  Things doing what they do according to how things work.    This is where we live.  People think conflicting thoughts about that fact.

There are big movements with their driving idea being that the earth is the victim of the people.  Some of those same complainers think they are victims of nature because they fall apart or contract some physical malady.  Or they are victims of spring or the cold or the humidity, altitude, lack of humidity, etc.  Victims, no matter what.

I'm a victim of me.  I'm quite abusive if you get stuck living inside my mind and body.  In any case, I guess I always wait until the last minute to take care of business, in almost all situations.  Number one goal, get it all straightened out and simplified.  Organize and try to second guess the state.  CA is wacko if you are above board, on the grid, in the system.  There are times you have no choice but to have them all up your business.

You can give away the farm as long as you're alive.  But try to do upon your exit and they want to steal a big chunk of it.  People are so easily led or no way would they allow that.  They think they're sticking it to the rich.  Creepy, both from the standpoint of ignorance, and from the standpoint of greedy jealousy.

Sometimes I'd Rather Be A Mental Case

If it is all in your head, a result of a defective attitude or personality, you can change it if you really care to do that.  If it is not like that, then this may be about as good as it will ever be.

So, you tell yourself that at least you aren't crazy or making stuff up.  Then you say, "I wish I was a bigger liar than I am".  You may say "were" instead of was.  I'd probably go the 'were' route.  No idea why.

Nothing is carved in stone.  But it is becoming increasingly evident, or narrowed down.  Good time for an improved attitude.

My main anchor in most ways, at the moment, is playing music with my Blue Sky friends and Sande.
Get it while the gettin's good.  That could be fifty years, or maybe way fewer.

So, I may be seeking that parasail, and some guidance regarding how it works, sooner than later.

Almost a year with no cigarettes.  I'm losing the tendency to have frequent desires for one.  It smells nice to get just the first whiff of fresh cigarette smoke, but not that nice.  I like being free of that, and anything else I'm free of that would own me if it could.

In some ways, maybe these are simpler times.  All in how it is viewed and approached, I suppose.

What I don't know is a lot.  As is what I have yet to learn.

My Court Would Be the One You Want

That is, if you had to go to court for something, and you weren't a cop or abusive authority, then my court would be the best one.  I say that because, without real proof, and without watching the trial, I refuse to say OJ was guilty.  I did not go to that circus or pay it much attention, except for OJ over-acting when making sure everyone could see the glove did not fit.

And I never even liked Bill Cosby.  One of the few who didn't.  I didn't think he was very funny.  But I refuse to make the assumption that he is guilty of these ancient accusations.  Maybe yes, maybe no, maybe he has a penchant for rubbing shoulders with crazy people. I do not know.

I do know that when a bandwagon of opinion starts rolling, and it is the stuff of Letterman's lame ass jokes, people pretend that their view is actually well founded when all they are doing is behaving as the media molds them into behaving.  Haha, everyone knows Cosby was raping tall women, so there. That takes him down, and makes me feel just that much bigger and more important.

I also know that in some worlds, some circles, one can piss off the wrong people, and very damaging PR can be arranged.  People can be ruined.  Often they manage to use government somehow.   And that reminds me, Obama weighs in on neighborhood squabbles with drunk Harvard pals in distant cities, shootings in distant cities, and he has no more facts than what we have with Cosby, so has he offered his omniscient viewpoint?

You would think, with all the advances in communication, that reporters and the public at large would make more effort to get all the facts before jumping to conclusions and behaving like the lynch mobs in old Hollywood Westerns.  Remember how stupid those people always were?   Now they're in Ferguson.  Lynch mob cowpoke rednecks turned gangsta in your face in the hood rednecks.  Dumbass knows no color.

And it is tough to point these things out, as in the case of Ferguson,  because I think the police mentality has become highly dangerous in this country, over all.  And I think the "authorities" generally handle things like thugs would.  So, like the old Spy vs Spy, it is Thugs Vs Thugs.

It's tough to defend that arrogant bigot to the point of admitting that neither I nor any other unconnected party knows very much regarding his guilt or innocence.  Unlike what some have said, I feel it is the validity of the charge, not the weight, which is of most importance.

But I am not so sure the cop coldly gunned down the poor lad who was beating him.   Then again, I know nothing of the case. I was not there.  I've only seen enough to convince me that most of the info, official or on the street, is highly suspect regarding veracity.

Changes nothing.  The protest is opportunistic bullshit from many directions.

Almost Missing Memphis

The highlight of my life, lately, has been playing with Sande and band.   She took a trip to Memphis for a week and wanted to play some while there.

As it turns out, she wanted to play at an open mic just blocks from my old abode.  It is also just a block or two from Steve, the snakedocs bass player.

Upon arrival she discovered that her guitar was in two pieces, with the head dangling by the strings.  United struck again.  No telling if it was the Memphis work force or not.  I'll take this opportunity to reiterate my educated viewpoint regarding the Memphis workforce, in general; worst, most dishonest, incompetent and lazy workforce I've ever seen.   Obviously, there are A team people no matter where you go.  In Memphis, they are just fewer, and their colleagues are sorrier than most, if not all, others.

So, I reach out to my old pal Steve to help out Sande.  He was able to loan her a guitar, and even have her play her stuff during his group's breaks.  It turns out they were playing down the street from the O.mic venue, an hour or two earlier, so she played their breaks, then hit the Cabana place and played.

It sounds like it worked out.  Steve was playing with a group other than the Snakedocs for this Cooper-Young deal, although the docs are still going and doing Beale once or twice a month.  It was good to hear I'm missed.

Speaking of missed; it was not the same here at all.  We played two days of Day of Dead here--almost 8 hours total.  Then she jets off to Purgatory (Memphis is, in fact, Purgatory).  The playing in the interim was interesting at times but felt off to me.

Finally, we had a practice, sans bass player, and it was a relief.  I'm pretty sure this is the thread that keeps me moving at the moment.  Every morning and day are spent avoiding this ...whatever the hell it is..physical troubles.  Isn't improving much overall.

I'll see what the test on the 20th yields and then decide if I ever go back or just deal with it however.  They can't cure much, so sometimes you have to decide if pursuing the prescribed official medical route is a waste or not.  Usually it is if it involves any trouble shooting.  Such a drag.  They play the God role to the hilt, even when they can't fix you.  That is the scam side of that industry. Their tendency to do that pretense of omniscience slows the progress of healing, but so be it.

One has to decide when the medicos are worth the money and when they are just going through motions with no clue.  I have a fair guess at how it will play.  It is worth having evidence and deciding myself what it means.  Rehab in this case will be a very difficult process which will require discipline and a desire to thrive.  Both those things are not commonly a part of me lately.

I wanted to be in Memphis to play with Sande, and then to go crash the next Snake doc gig on Beale. Little flights of fantasy.  The humidity would most likely leave me itchy and burning and all that.  Pretty sure that altitude and low humidity are my friend right now so I'll stick in Cali until it is impossible or I have outgrown this madness.  Then I'll probably go back east, or not.
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Everything is Changing in a Hurry

The possible job I thought would open up and make me well financially is now off the table.  We don't know how that bodes for the future.  For now,  I'm OK.

Playing a lot with various musicians.  May have a gig on the USS Midway on the 11th.  Maybe.  Some things are just a little odd.  That is likely the way of life for young people back from battles with full tilt psychos in the mideast.  Some of us are backing a marine in "music therapy" who has started playing out places.  Writes some nice stuff. Hard for me to play on it though, so I'm not sure what to think.

We'll see if there is any worthwhile change in blood stuff in a couple of weeks.  I feel like something changed this year and I'll never be the same, whatever that was.   My life revolves around avoiding the annoyances of stupid physical things that hardly anyone else ever has.  So of course it must be anxiety, or nerves, or I'm crazy.  That is tiring. It is not those things at all.

It's just karma for being a bad human being or because life isn't fair or because things happen.  It is not personal.  I don't believe there is any big crime and punishment or test thing, or reason relating to God insisting I prove my love or any of that.  I think I'm making it up and even fooled myself.

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