Disconnect and Festive Satire

This year, I did absolutely nothing for anyone for Christmas.  Not officially, anyway.  It hardly registered with the me that the season was upon us, and that I usually do something.  I just watched it float by.

The effect is that of a surreal satire of life; my life, anyway.  And I realize I must be about to make some sort of course alteration, again.  Or, maybe for only the second time, when it comes down to it.

I'm getting a little impatient with the status quo. Bored, maybe.  No excuse for boredom like that.  If you're bored, do something different.  Do something.  And that is where the pre-action agitation kicks in.  Part of the process.

Oh yea, I'm Not Giving Up

These days, I not only do not know what is normal, I don't even know if my data is within one standard deviation of normal.   I could represent the mean value of everything and I wouldn't know.

Maybe it is normal to think, "oh this feels off, that feels bad or broken, I'm falling apart, etc.", then stop and try to think about what is OK, what is working, the assets column.   In order to do this, I have to remember, or remind myself that I have not yet given up, and that I decided to outstay my welcome here in this world, if I can.

I'll forget I decided against giving up.  That must indicate that my default setting is fatalistic.  I'm trying to change that to optimistically wearing out my welcome.  This is not that easy to do I guess, but adrenaline, and the challenges involved here must have steered me in this direction.

The fine art of discerning one's choices is really what is being touched upon.  I like choices, so anything that denies that power to me is going to be met with a little bit of rebellion.   Where the art comes in is in knowing when to try to work loopholes or influence outcome, and when to take a specific item as a given, and then work around it, like a giant bolder in the road.

Another weird holiday.  The weirdest ever I think, but that does not mean bad.

Lots of nice friends around here were getting together with family or to play music.  I was at no loss of anywhere to be.  But it comes back to my isolationist hovel which never entertains company.  I've started to make various attempts to find a suitable partner.  But if she drinks, she is usually not happy that I don't.  Couple that with the non-carnivore routine, and now, no smoking, and other eccentricities, and I've just about knocked myself totally out of the running...for anything.

Not like the old days when women thought they'd eventually train me, so they'd pretend not to eat meat, and things like that.  Back then they thought I would like them better.  I only figured out in retrospect that they were trying to please me and I had little clue of this.  I could care less what people eat, except I sometimes can't stand the smell of fish cooking.

Now, I'm not sure.  I've had it with alcoholics and functional, near-drunks.  I use the term "functional" in the loosest sense.  To me any sort of responsibility or survival success is impressive.

I watched a Damon Wayons movie with K last night.  She said we had to do that.  It was not a bad fluff movie. And I kind of liked it, even though it was about cops.  They were fake cops.  I should say, one of my all time least favorite shows ever is Cops.   Several reasons for that which I do not want to elaborate upon right now.

I will say I find it troubling that so many people get pleasure from watching the state forcibly restrain and cage people who are usually doing nothing violent or forceful themselves.  It may be a drug thing or some other hoax.  The show conditions people to expect, and fear the superior power of the state. It teaches them to be obedient.

People take being restrained with hands cuffed behind your back rather lightly.  At least those who find gazing on such scenes a spectator sport.  Imagine having your hands tied behind your back and you are nervous, and maybe ache or itch, have to use the bathroom, all that.  It is a real physical hardship at that point.  Confinement of any kind is horrific, I think.

Lack of choice and lack of mobility.  Those are the key goals, it seems, of collective minded tyrants.  It tends to come down to that over and over.  Threats to mobility, and elimination of choices---even in what they allow you to think.  I guess 'they' is the state.  There are influential people who seem to think there is no corruption in government, and that it is OK to screw people in the name of the greater good; as defined by them of course.

I feel lucky that I am not some raving angry lunatic in the inner city, acting out of half truths, ignorance, low self esteem, and pure hatred.  The shallowness of gang life, and that type of culture, is tragic.  And it is shallow.   If it weren't, people would probably not shoot one another at such an alarming rate.  Odd how reporting skews one's perspective causing proportions to appear completely different from what they are.

Not being able to relate to people who are hate-driven, and who shoot one another, is a good indication that I'm further out of the loop than I thought.

Random Stuff

There are so many things I think I want to get written down, but by the time I get to the keyboard, I am at a loss.  I forget what I was thinking.

Usually it comes to me while driving.  I'll write entire articles on some pressing topic in my life, then I forget it, but I know it was a gem.

So, lately, I forgot, or was sick or whatever.   The result is Christmas has pretty much gone by without my notice.  Nothing sent out to anyone.

Those in the know realize that when I have some wealth, I splurge.  When I am in doubt concerning resources, I do nothing.  This time I was concerned about medical costs, Obama buy or die insurance, and the like.  Also I need timing belt and more for my car, if I know what's good for me.  Can't let it go much longer.

Anyone that matters will get over it.  I hope.

Several gigs with the band coming up.  I hope I can keep pace.  Right now I need about a month to settle down, rest, deal with betrayal and skullduggery at work, and generally move toward fixing what ails me and making it all be OK.

I've been a little bit aloof when it comes to wimmin because of a few things. One of which is the uncertainty regarding how I am doing in the realm of blood and bone marrow and etc.  If it is really a big deal, I can't knowingly pull someone into my world.  And since I'm not sure, I can't chance it.  That would be stupid and impolite.  Although there are times I would have gladly spent time with certain people even if they were terminal and due to check out at any time.  That's confusing.

Geez, for sudafed you have to sign things and show ID.  Not sure what people do with it, and doubt that punishing normal people with colds is the best approach.  Lovers of state authority as the answer to all do not see my point and understand my misgivings regarding such matters.  I suspect they are reincarnated slave owners from Africa or Aztec times or ancient Rome.   Who else would be so confused regarding rights and liberties?

Off the subject, but of note is the fact that I have met more truly stellar couples--in very functional marriages---since moving here, than I recall knowing back east.  K and M are particularly good examples of how a guy treats a woman if he wants a wonderful life.  They should conduct a seminar or build a school.

Troubadour, magazine I guess, is having their annual party tonight.  It is a musicians' thing.  We may play a couple of tunes.  I've been trying to shake a cold so I can make it.  I think I'm well enough.  I'll get some ultra potent cough suppressant if such a thing exists.

Not at all pleased with the maneuvering at work by someone I thought was a friend.  Her whole family is now somehow in on the act.  Dysfunction and backstabbing.  I will try to thwart this effort to usurp my job.  The old manager is gone.  She knew I was the one to trust.  The new guy has one foot still in Chicago.  I'm stunned with how this crew has formed, and the power play being attempted.  Either he'll see it or not.

First rule of if someone else can fire you, no matter what co-workers do, if you bring up the complaint, you lose.  Never fails, or rarely fails.  Have to let the jefe bring it up.   My situation is that these rats could all claim I'm the ogre of the land, and it is multiple words against me. Never mind that they are all related and want my job for Deb, the butch ass construction broad, whose son is married to the housekeeper's son, and they are all there.

Greedy people do this sort of thing, and since they think they are always victims they don't care about right or wrong.

If there is a God of any sort, perhaps he/she/it is on my side.
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Is the Reaction the Culprit?

Lately I wonder if I am inventing all the physical things, or stressing in reaction, thereby causing the condition.  It may make no sense.

My only real goals are to finally make my house clean, civilized and not a nightmare, and to get a new timing belt on the car, and clean it up like the house.  That's it.

That would eliminate most of the stress.  Then I wouldn't be that worried with lines like "often doesn't kill you right away".  Like someone recently said, I need to get my head out of the sand.  People who have colds should take measures, when out, to avoid infecting others.  Some people just don't care.

This is poor timing in my case.  Usually I can fight off anything quickly.  Right now the defense system may be a little less formidable than usual.

Now we have a new manager at work.  The nature of things is such that no one knows much.  But it has created an opportunity for some very greedy creepy family members of the housekeeper, who is supposedly my friend, to try to undermine me and take my job.  I'm not on my game lately, but I have a feeling that even off my game I might be seen as worth more than these ne'er do wells.  But I cannot guarantee it.

It sucks.  Being betrayed by people who were supposed to be my friend is nothing new.  I'm not sure how I manage to set up such circumstances time and time again.

One toxic family; the mother, who is the actual housekeeper, and the rest are supposed to occasionally help, but they are always there; the son, his husband, and his husband's mother.  Plus one other lady who is probably not part of the set up shenanigans.  She is not there very much since the old manager's last day.  The new guy is moving from Chicago.

And he's still involved in Chicago's main office. The place where I work is owned and run out of Chicago.

Anyway, it is bizarre when people pull this and when someone could stand up for you, or turn a blind eye in a cowardly attempt to avoid upsetting the toxic family apple cart.  I'm not up to it.

I think when I get things better defined and sorted, I will be able to get energy back and such.  I'll direct my own treatment etc.  We'll see if this insurance actually works.  I just have my doubts.

Either way, I think I could get the essential diagnostics done.  Any knife work or real good drug may get expensive.   First the mutant test.  They are pretty sure I'm a mutant.  If this proves true, I may get a sweatshirt that says "Certified Mutant".

Big music magazine party on Sunday night.  I think we may end up playing a song or two.  I have to hope I can be in shape to do it.  I will be.  When I want to, I get things done.  I'm good at that in a strange way.  I've been letting that talent go dormant, but now I am suddenly looking at things differently.  So, I've been getting things done.

People who complain about being victims, being judged, and ill treated often turn out to be the nastiest, greediest, most dishonest bastards, with no shred of compassion, humanity or decency.  That is the big danger of the victim mentality; it excuses immoral abuse of others.


People who know they have colds should take measures  slowly

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progressive neoplasm

of unknown etiology involving all cell series of the bone marrow, it is inevitably

fatal after a varying period of t 

ObablablaInsurance etc.

So, I've been doing pay as I go, and the medicos I encounter know this.  They've cut me some breaks yet have put off possibly time sensitive investigations due to the possible escalation of expense.  Probable cause and treatment for the condition of being me is somewhat narrowed down at this point.

Here's the deal; after investigating the life affecting annoyances of "intractable itching" attacks, and the inner, outer, emotional, physical, spiritual characteristics attendant to this malady, I decided it is worth pursuing treatment.  I don't think an actual cure exists.  However, in my case, things could be OK, just "managed".  "Managed" is a word that means prohibitively expensive.  Hence this whole healthcare insurance scam and bamboozle.

We went from flim flammed to bamboozled.  People seemed to think bamboozle would be an improvement.  OK.  Whatever.

I'm shamefully going to let the people of California take on my burdens.  Why would I do that?  Because they insist.  Do or die.  Buy or die.  We're here to help.  Play along or be punished.

I gave up.  Sort of.

Two reasons as near as I can tell.  One: I am no longer thinking an early exit is the best thing and inevitable.  I think life is worth it even when it isn't--to a point.

And, secondly, I always found Don Quixote a profoundly depressing character and idea.  Fighting it is like US senators wringing hands and apologizing to the truly brutal segment of the world because they put prisoners through what they put many special forces, and all fighter pilots through in the course of training--waterboarding etc.  It is just a way of asking, begging, for trouble.  It is masochistic and self defeating.

Besides, my house has to get cleaned up before I can entertain any maladies of a debilitating nature.  It will be easier to deal with blood and guts and glory than this mass of clutter.

Oh yay!  Just got a call back from Insurance Lady, a friend from a few years back.  It never quite got anywhere for various reasons beyond anyone's control.   The good news is that no one is as on top of this Bama shite as she is.  And the Californicated system.  Turns out I needed to make a little more money, rather than less, in order to qualify for the plan I am needing.  So, my estimate was reconsidered and low and behold, I believe I'll make about 3k more than originally thought.

The state lady did not let me know about that.  So, I even paid my 125.00 so if they take my money they better provide.  And starting first week in January I hope to get this thing rolling.  Obviously that's a price which includes you wonderful other people bailing my under achieving ass out.   Thank you.  It wasn't my idea.

I'm so sure I think I know what ails me that I am curious to see if it gets proved.  I'm a great trouble shooter.

We have tons of gigs or "showcases" coming up.  Showcases mean you are in with the people who get stuff done.  Those people got us the House of Blues gig.

I hope I get something mailed out for Christmas.  In any case, the fortunate things coming my way in this medical thing through friends and others is amazing.  All top notch people.  I was even the subject of a special case study and that was like thousands of dollars of exams for free.  I'm a little miffed that no one played with my junk.  Geez.
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Long story short;  oh no, I forgot!  Oh that's right, I am not an insurance outlaw.  I probably can make it through most roadblocks, if I try.  

I'd go into why people are messing up, but it would not be worth it.

This lady (singer) I'm backing up, is landing little gigs all over the place.  I feel like a slacker, although it was my friend whose friend got us our last gig, at the Stadium Club.  I think it was a success.  Bars are strange if you don't hang out in them much.  People always seem a little thick and like they are your best pal right now, but in the blink of an eye they could switch to hostile.

It's not a drinking band.  I have never seen being drunk improve musicianship.  Some claim to have witnessed such a thing.  I never have.

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Friggin' Hoodinias

For whatever morbid reasons, I was pondering the virtues of "the ones that got away".  Granted they are in a better place; and I'm not saying this in the funereal sense.   That aspect of life is merely the benefit one receives when she graduates from my finishing school for wayward women.  They all go on to do great things, achieve happiness, and confidently exercise more of their potential than they thought possible prior to encountering me.

Of curse, much of the progress described above occurs after, and only after, graduation.  It's almost uncanny, though, just how well it works.

I'm not sure which has done the best in the overall balance of things---possibly the girl with the dragon tattoo.  Possibly the one who was not that one, or the other one that was not either of those.

They all know who they are, so no need to freak out just because you are who you are and I claim credit for your good fortune.  Some little bit of credit, not all, however you probably would not have done as well without me, except for one of you. You would have done fine,  maybe.

On second thought, no, you wouldn't.  That you doesn't even know of this blog, to my knowledge.

Here's how I feel about the graduates from the Ballistic Charm Academy;  I love them, but I also hate them because they are live demonstrations of what a dumbass I am and have always been.   So, sometimes I think, "Yay for her.  How nice that she's thriving."  And sometimes I think, "Grrrr.  Get thee out of my sight!!  Let's be strangers so I can pretend I am not stupid, and that I don't know you".

When it comes down to it, I think it is all for the best.  If they graduated to do worse, that would really suck.  So, in conclusion, never mind...

One thing all have in common--by hook or crook they escaped.  Like Houdini

Too Tired, But It Keeps me Going, for now

So, now we are playing House of Blues in March.  The 10th I believe.  I'm so mind weary, and maybe physically toasted that I have trouble keeping track of what I'm doing, but I fake it well.

Provided that I am not too much more tired by March, House of B ought to be an interesting experience.  They have maybe 400 stages or so, and different times.  I forget when we play but it was designed to be a good fit, time and people-wise.

This weekend and next we have real gigs, too.  I'm hoping to get a little more steam going here.  I hide out except for essential commitments because I may be less intact than I'd like.
You would not believe the entire behind-the-scenes story, and I have no wish to lay it out.

It'll be OK.  Nothing else to think or say about it.  I really wish I believed in a simple God who was a parent I could con, and that I'd go to the best of resorts when time expires.  I have difficulty with that. I do not have difficulty believing there is much more to life than meets the eye and that it is not an accident.  But I don't know what I can really accept beyond that.

The pain and pleasure see saw that some faiths promote makes no sense.  Let's say you have seven children.  Six are real trouble makers, so you beat the hell out of the one good kid, the innocent one, to make up for the crimes of the others.  How does that possibly help, and what kind of jerk are oy, in that case?

No, I buy many things, but that is the central aspect of things I can not believe.  I think the Church lied for their own gain.  Earliest followers were not on that bus.  They had little offshoot movements. The blood and guts, illogical and psychopathic justice school won out.

And now I worry that I can't buy it.  We're here, then we aren't.  Are we don't think we are.  That's cold, and maybe just how it is.

I'll be not Home For Christmas

That is because I do not know where my home is.  Even after all these years.  I will not be traveling to family events or any of that.  I'm sticking here, and will be around some people who know me better than anyone, and still seem to value my existence.  That's not always how it goes in life.

So this year is not like last year.  No smoking and wondering when the next road trip will occur.

On facebook, I showed a picture of someone else's turkey claiming I shot it, plucked it, stuffed and cooked it.  I said I then remembered I'm a vegetarian so I gave it to a couple living under a bridge.  Damn.  People thought it was all true and gave me kudos for my selfless concern for humanity and such.

It may be that my jokes miss the mark. Or it may be that people do not pay attention or comprehend multiple sentences.  Or both.

Do you really think someone who doesn't eat turkey would go to all that trouble, only to remember they don't eat turkey?

Nothing to Fear But Fear Itself, and maybe some other stuff

The drawback to playing music, unless it is symphony or other situation with which I'm unfamiliar, is that you have to deal with lunatics who aren't always the fun kind of crazy.  And you deal with club owners, who are often quite seedy and creepy, dishonest, and unpleasant.  If you drink enough they seem like swell folks.  I don't drink so that stretch is one I can't make---from reality to thinking these creeps aren't creeps.

Obviously something set me off.  I like to play, so I put up with some nonsense in order to do so.  Mostly I like playing certain things with certain people.  

It is some consolation for sidestepping my true calling, which was broadcast in a language I didn't understand, so that explains it.  

The important thing is to hope to be of some positive value to good people.  Why be of use to bad people?  Net positive influence overall is the important thing.  To me, I think that is what counts.

No holiday travel this year.  Sometime soon I hope for a nice trip to somewhere. You never know when or if such adventures will be realized.

This looks like it will be a rather significant time.  It may be life altering.  Just how the cards fall.  That could be OK.  Or maybe nothing at all will change.

Out Loud; not brazen enough to call it thinking

Machines often goes south.  What breaks or wears out when and how is not usually a constant. It can be this or that.  And God does not just decide to be meaner to some machines than others, although I don't think he is fond of Jerry Lewis or Eric Holder.  Don't think it is a he or she, but that's neither here nor there.

I'm not sure of my outlook but I know views I don't embrace.  Most of them somehow seeded in the victim mentality.  I think my philosophy was best brought to the fore without even thinking about it, way back when Hurricane Andrew hit South Florida.

People were calling themselves hurricane victims.  I couldn't quite embrace that.  Mostly because of the attitude surrounding that.  Trees fall on people.  People get struck by lightening.  It's all physics at play.  Things doing what they do according to how things work.    This is where we live.  People think conflicting thoughts about that fact.

There are big movements with their driving idea being that the earth is the victim of the people.  Some of those same complainers think they are victims of nature because they fall apart or contract some physical malady.  Or they are victims of spring or the cold or the humidity, altitude, lack of humidity, etc.  Victims, no matter what.

I'm a victim of me.  I'm quite abusive if you get stuck living inside my mind and body.  In any case, I guess I always wait until the last minute to take care of business, in almost all situations.  Number one goal, get it all straightened out and simplified.  Organize and try to second guess the state.  CA is wacko if you are above board, on the grid, in the system.  There are times you have no choice but to have them all up your business.

You can give away the farm as long as you're alive.  But try to do upon your exit and they want to steal a big chunk of it.  People are so easily led or no way would they allow that.  They think they're sticking it to the rich.  Creepy, both from the standpoint of ignorance, and from the standpoint of greedy jealousy.