Last One Was Too Much

OK. The short of it is that I am going to Austin for a few days right after Christmas, returning on Jan.1.  Let us hope I don't stress and grab a pack of cigarettes on the way home.  Lack of availability will help.  Seems like it has been close to 2 years.

The last 2 years have been murder.  All that time wondering how to cope with those hot itchy attacks which interfered with work and life.  I thought I would have to give up the little bit of a job I have.  Luckily I managed not to do that.  Months of narrowing it all down to discover blood disease, or more accurately bone marrow issues.

But the situation appears to be in a somewhat stable mode, sort of.  One pill, every other day, and levels are somewhat OK.  At first the attacks went away and I thought it would all get better.  But they came back.  Still it is not as common or severe as it once was.  And I have learned various ways to mitigate the trouble.

Austin will be an adventure.  Just the lack of control the plane trip gives is spooky.  I know others have similar need to be able to withdraw to conditions which don't set off physical trouble, too.  But I am supposed to be healthy no matter what, and have no problems.  It will be OK.

Then there is the matter of being on someone else's turf and not being in control of much.  I see now the genius of my brother's life and how he constructed it.  I do not think he ever goes anywhere that he isn't in pretty strong control of things.  He worked to build that form of security.  Well, he built a family and stuck with it.  I guess that is what I wanted but never had the ability to do it.  It makes me cry.

So, I'd rather think about nothing.

Still Just Here

San Diego is definitely a big military town.  I am not really a big military person.  I mean, I like having a good military and ours is more impressive than one might think, as far as some of the individuals and their level of expertise and training.  But I do not get all slobbery with the hollow and somehow self righteous sounding "oh thank you for your service" mantras.  And I don't try to glean some glory by trying to imitate the OOHRAH! stuff.  

I show respect, like I would often upgrade military when I worked for the airline.  Mostly because I didn't think most of them knew what they really signed up for.  And some might be guard or air guard...outfits that never should be used except for defense, but since 911 have been misused just like the rest.

On an individual level, though, it is a very rough thing that can happen.  You get the most incredibly well trained and conditioned people and then let politicians and corrupt interests decide what they do and where, then wonder what could possibly go wrong.  It is sick.  And the public is herded into the madness like sheep.  In order to keep it going, they blindly glorify in a way that reeks of insincerity, if you ask me. 

Anyway it is confusing, as far as the big picture.  On the smaller scale I just end up in weird places, like playing on the Midway aircraft carrier on Veterans' day.  It is a word war two vintage aircraft carrier which is moored in San Diego harbor and has been made into a big museum.  A very popular one at that.  The place was swarming with people.  They have planes below deck and on the flight deck and tours and all kinds of stuff.

There I was. On top of that I was right there in the midst of a lot of PTSD people involved in the music therapy program, and some who have had serious injuries from things blowing up in Iraq and elsewhere.  Nations, and how they go about things, are really screwed up.  That can be confusing.

I do not like too much involvement with anyone right now.  Unless the right person...but that is different.  All I can say is that I am glad my nephews did not join the military.  Not sure where they may have gone if they had.  When was the last time a deployment to a war zone made sense all the way through?

Usually the parts that made sense were just patches to fix the misguided initial effort.  It is criminal. I am in disbelief that after VietNam we suckered for letting people go to Bosnia and all manner of places.  How did we let Bush get away with sending guard units for extended tours in Iraq and elsewhere?  Doing wars which don't work and for which we are so unprepared that you deplete the stores of reservists?  Insane.  But here in SD the main thing is to thank everyone and ignore the cruel reality of it.  

How do you appreciate the military itself but not how they are used and where they are sent?  And the other part is that it is a choice in this age.  No draft at the moment.  It brings up some conflicting questions and beliefs, I guess.  For me, I could not be loyal to a government that ignores the Constitution, which is what you swear to protect.  You do not swear allegiance to some arrogant politician.  No way to really think it through and do the job.  So, loyalty takes on another meaning.

In the military it comes down to not leaving your colleagues in a lurch. Your loyalty is to your team.  The big picture has to be ignored.  And it is life or death, losing limbs, and crazy, so the fidelity aspect toward your comrades in arms is the all important value. No way to succeed if they are thinking much beyond that, looking at motives, goals, and the Constitution.  

Wars suck but should be fought with a clear goal.  Bringing democracy and happy times to lunatic cultures is not a lofty or sane and moral goal.  Winning hearts and minds is absolute bullshit. A kinder, gentler army, there to build schools and hand out candy is pure lunacy.  If you could see the lives that are altered, the people scarred for life because politicians and those that own them want to serve needs having zero to do with protecting our shores or our Constitution, you'd probably hesitate to send them in harm's way.  Not so with those doing the sending. They see the results and try to make people feel wonderful for getting blown up in ill conceived endeavors of their making.  

And I don't care to think about my life.  It is worrying me how hard it is to have a positive thought about myself or my circumstances and what I have destroyed and created for myself.  What a waste.  I'd rather think of the follow orders syndrome that makes me less than gung ho when it comes to police work or military service.  I would thank them all, but they make more money than I do, and they know where to be and what to do at any time because that is how it works.  There is security in jobs with pensions and insurance and job security.  The down side is that you could get blown up or sent somewhere unpleasant.  For a lot of years most people did not have to go anywhere stupid.

If you joined in 1973, you could have probably taken a retirement after twenty years, never got shot at or had to hang in the hot hot desert winning the hearts of lunatics from the medieval times.  You could then have started your own business or found other government work and wrangled a second pension by age 60.  Lots of people did that.  I never had it in me. Still don't.  But it would have been a fu--ing improvement so I cannot knock it.

People join for any number of reasons.  I doubt the clarity and sanity of our foreign policy are high on that list.  How many people have a clue what we are doing and why?  I really do not.  I do know we manage to arm the bad guys and that friends are ex enemies quite often, and enemies are ex friends.  Very fluid loyalties all around.  Obviously it is not working well. I think using the military to kill the aberrant, and to do it without being polite and risking our lives needlessly is the best approach.  Anything else risks lives.  So, if we aren't going to wipe them out, don't go their.  Do not engage. 

Then I look Around and Think, I Could Do Worse

As much as I rue the days I let the good ones go,  I sometimes realize it was for the best.  For one thing I don't think any of them are even remotely in the semi-anarchist camp where I dwell, philosophically.  Although I must admit, beliefs that were once carved in stone are often, now, just etched in silly putty.

I think all of the heartbreakers have achieved a much better standard of living and definitely more stability than would have been found with me.  Maybe.  It is possible that proper love, support and coaching would have yielded magnificent results.  But how often does anyone want to admit I am sort of a quasi autistic functioning adult?  People think they know stuff, but they don't.  Just the way it is.

I did not even realize where my extreme weaknesses and mild strengths lay until recently.  It is a lot to get past, but maybe I will yet work it out.  In my thirties, I was like a kid in a candy store, and that was most likely a good bit of my downfall.   Judgement lapses have not been infrequent in my life.

It is great to see someone go on to a wonderful life.  But once in awhile I look and think, "Holy smoke, how can you possibly enjoy what you have landed in?"  Then it dawns on me; if such circumstances are pleasing to my old companions, then I was clearly a very, very poor fit.

The real dilemma is; is it worth dealing with a number of characteristics I find abhorrent in order to not be alone?  Most of my life I felt that it was better to be alone than to be with someone whose beliefs and behavior were in conflict with what I consider good form and endearing.

Now, I am not so sure.  I guess if the person does not directly lie, cheat and steal, maybe ego annoyances can be overlooked.  Or maybe I wish I felt that.  But, probably, I couldn't bend to that extent.  Bummer.  It is amazing what a little cash, and some status can manifest in one's life.  Or bedroom.  Mostly it works for men, because despite what anyone says, women are naturally drawn to security and power.  Money represents both, and status also gives a sense of safety on a subtle level.  It is nature and anyone who argues otherwise is just wishing.  Nothing wrong with it.

Survival of the species depends upon women being safe to carry to term so that children can have a chance to be born and to survive rather than be eaten by creeps who mill about.  The riffraff has always been there from the earliest days to now.  A man's job is to keep the creeps away so that babies get born and all that.  Women have a power over men to keep them coming back.  Trying to deny that is nonsense.  Not that it stops anyone.

As technology and culture evolves, maybe the whole thing will change and we become one big ant-like commune.  I don't know.  For now, the forces of nature guiding humans in the early days still hold sway over instincts and such.  That is why they have to drug the hell out of kids to make them fit the way we've structured schools and such.  And we have to drug adults to deal with the way we've structured civilized life.  Something is clearly awry.

But, that still leaves me alone, casting my eye on memories of the ones who got away, were pushed out, or who ran away.  And I think I find a bit of satisfaction when I see one living in a way I would never want, and with a guy that I cannot imagine hanging with.  Of course I don't imagine hanging with the guy, but you know what I mean.  I see the point and charm in some cases.  In others, I think, that is everything I never wanted to be, so yay.   Although I would gladly take some of their security and stability, just none of the attitude and etc.

Yikes.  I look at myself and think I wouldn't want the attitude and many of the activities in which I engage.  I do what I do because I can and because it keeps me from laying down on the railroad tracks waiting for the Chattanooga Choo Choo late at night.

Oops, this is an odd day of the month.  Nov. 7.  I take the hydrea on odd days.  Almost forgot.

Slowly I Turned

inch by inch, step by step, day by day...

I want that parasail.  That is probably the answer to all.  Altitude is my friend, but like many friends, it may turn on me one day.  That's OK.

There is probably a good reason that I find no stucco fixing info which covers the sort of wall corners that have partially fallen off.  The Santa Barbara smooth mission finish is a difficult thing.  And the nature of the repair area makes life very difficult if you are dealing with dreaded stucco.

They leave you out in the cold. All the repair stuff and stucco info deals with easy flat areas, or large, square corners with plenty of space on each side.  They pointedly avoid discussing circumstances similar to mine.

I think I will have to chip out what I did and start anew.  So many people to blame now; Bush, Carson, Trump< Obama, Clinton.  And to one degree or another I guess they are all culpable.  We know they are guilty of something.  So we just blame them when convenient.

I am not going there, though.  I have found people and news to be so over saturated with koolaid that their wet brains cannot possibly reason clearly, and they will kill you for pointing it out.  Yikes.

My own issues with reality and judgement are bad enough.  Tempting as it is to escape those by delving into things over which I have little control, but about which my understanding is insightful and true, I will not do it.  The more I escape into that political nonsense, the weaker my hopes to establish a decent life and direction.  Besides, I think I may be falling apart, and I have to do what I can to fix that.

But seriously, do people really think that they are saving the planet with token acts of austerity and reduced living standards?  You are not.  Climate may be influenced to a small degree by humans, but it is not the over riding force for change.  But then the earth savers are clueless about how much government people, corrupt government people, and environmental histrionics have retarded the natural evolution of technology toward more sustainable energy methods and ways of improving life without killing off resources, people and minnows.

Good Move in a Little Life

So, it seems that pain is the new normal.  Just how it is.  And the hopeless feelings that want to consume a person tend to grow and feed on the organism like ebola on steroids.  I wonder how steroids actually react with ebola, but I am not curious enough to try it at home.

I forced myself to clean up suit up, and get out of the house.  Tonight is the weekly thing that Chris, the Marine and them do at the VFW.  They have expressed the desire for me to play with them when I can so I showed up.

I did not play much, but had little desire to play a lot.  Being around people who want me there and who might get me out of my own madness was the goal.  I did not even know if I could hang for thirty minutes before feeling the need to leave.  Some chronic pain was bothering me a lot.  I took three of the pain pills the bass player from Sande's band gave me.

Eventually I guess they helped.  The pain was less when standing up, so I did a bit of that.  At any rate, I realized I may be of some benefit to Chris or Emily or Richard.  You never know.  They want me to play with them on veteran's day at the USS Midway, downtown at the harbor.  Big Veteran's day celebration.  San Diego is a huge military town, so such a thing is big.  It would be kind of an honor to play that, I think.

So, as little as playing means, I will use it to keep me from too much insane isolation and depressed misery.  Maybe end up being recruited to be a spook.  I have nothing holding me back, as long as I can be a spook with no big physical demands, not fluent second languages, and no real skills.  Just the sort of spy we need.

I started to come home at several points along the way to the Lakeside VFW.  But I did not let my mind talk me out of going.  That was a tiny victory in itself.  I was able to do more than expected.  And I really felt better seeing these friends.  I wish some older version of Emily would happen my way.  She is a looker.  Maybe the older version would have to have a few modifications to make compatibility with me on the level I want work better.  We can settle details later.  First let us just find the proper unit and then we will refine the deal.

This is a very hard period of life.  Maybe quit fighting everything.  Or try.  Otherwise I know I am doomed.  If I try to thwart the destructive demons which tend to possess me, I may yet survive to enjoy a natural demise rather than some accelerated, ill advised approach to the ultimate exit.

One thing for sure; I cannot take that overwhelming lonely sad thing that hits like a slow motion mud tornado.   So, maybe play Julian on saturday, Ocean Beach on Sunday, Midway and Hard rock on either wednesday or thurs.  I am probably not going to hit the Navjo tomorrow night.  Never like that place.  Horrible sound, even though they have big stage and equipment.  Deaf rockers run it, so they are clueless when it comes to my style, or any hint of nuance.  Really clueless.  I think you have to try to be so sound dense, but I have seen it plenty.

Anyway. I am less forlorn than I was 8 hours ago.
Depression must be what that is. It is as physical as it is mental. And it is brutal.  What a stupid thing.  Life is not supposed to be that way. Life is a miraculous sort of thing, that defies logic.  Like why is there life at all?  Wild.  Little creators running around doing stuff and making mischief.
It is very confusing.

Frozen

How do people get out of this?  I know of no one my age who ever did.  It is a frozen panic.  The door is hitting me on my way out.

What have I done?  That is all I can think; what have I done?  I obviously did not really know what I was in for when I did it.  By why did it seem even remotely the way to do things?  I guess it was just pure anger and rebellion turned on myself.  God, am I sorry now.

They say it is never too late.  But they lie.

No Purpose

Not the best day, and not the worst.

I'm not doing very well, I don't think.  I am stunned by how I have managed to lose contact with every group of friends throughout the years.  I would move and leave it all behind.

One or two people seemed to stay in contact.  The others did not, but mostly that was my doing.  Why did I leave in the first place?  It rarely made sense.

Inability to figure out how to live life in the normal way was an anti-skill drilled into me by family.  Some was due to their own mistrust of the world, and some due to the need to destroy me to make themselves feel better.  And I went right along with it.

So, now, I am nothing.  And I do not like this.  It is frightening beyond what anyone should create for himself.   I wonder if it is too late to change in a good way.  All I want to do is move again.  I have no destination in mind, really. And I know I couldn't do it, most likely.   A lot of anger is mixed in with sadness.  Sadness may be a form of anger.  I am not sure.  It feels different but I rarely think good things about anything when sad.

What will I do?  I do think San Diego was a mistake.  If I wanted to land somewhere, I should have made it Colorado, which was my first instinct.  That or Seattle.  Not sure I can take the humidity now, but I don't think I would have gotten sick.  I always do what people push me to do, even if it is wrong.

Got to be a way to fix this
.

DOD

In San Diego's Old Town district, they have a big Day of the Dead festival. It ended yesterday.  We played la musica por la gente three days in a row.  Some of it was OK.  Some was not quite a train wreck, but nothing to brag about, either.

That may be poor English.  I don't care.

The festival was pleasant and where we played was in a shady spot in a yard with old style buildings on three sides.  I guess they may have been houses at one time.   Now they are historical landmarks.  That means non-profits profit in this environment.  What a weird concept--no profit.  I won't go there, but it is actually nonsense.  This is one of the better paying music endeavors.  Getting paid by non profits.  They eschew profit yet are constantly hounding people for money.  Relentlessly.   But it is for a higher purpose, so it is OK if they are greedy.

Actually, I find "not for profit" outfits, and charities to generally be the greediest organizations around.  They get by with it, because, even though people do make a living working for these organizations, they pretend to be holier than thou because their cause is clearly more lofty than whatever it is others do to earn their keep.

That brings me to the tendency for certain groups to constantly pat themselves on the back publicly, as if they are so much better than normal people.  I appreciate various occupations like ambulance drivers, rescue personnel, military, etc.  But those are chosen professions.  They get paid.  They are not necessarily better and more worthy than someone building houses or cars, or whatever.  I get tired of government employees calling themselves public servants and pretending to be more generous and wonderful than everyone else.

You joined the military voluntarily.   And personally, there are few if any dangerous conflicts that I would have sent you to fight since World War II.  I sort of thank you for your service, but only because a strong military is a deterrent.  I do not encourage action in lunatic lnd--North Africa and mid east.  I just don't.  So many people I know put on this weird pious face whenever there is military around, and they oh so humbly proffer the meaningless phrase, "Oh, thank you for your service!".  You don't even know what service those people perform.  See the uniform and knee herk react into fawning spectacle.  Seems phony to me. Sorry.

OI do not thank those who participate in no-knock searches and raids, and militaristic action against civilians for their service.  No thank you to those who enforce bad laws, and do it in improper ways.

But I do not consider a demonstration peaceful if you force traffic to stop and interfere with people who do not care to be part of your mob.  That is force and it is not peaceful.  So, here we go.  Not thanking people who make more money than I do for their service, and not even slightly enamored with the self styled 99%.

The dead behaved very well at the Dia de los Muertes festival, so that is something.

Packed House

What a surprise.  When it cm time to play the Kaffe Meister coffee shop--really good espresso--the place was getting crowded.  By the time we played a couple of songs, it was packed, and remained so until the end.  What an enthusiastic crowd.  Some familiar faces.

This was a good outing.  I think we did well.  The reception was certainly remarkable.  In a place that serves food and various beverages, you are doing well if there is not a lot of chatter.  I'm not one who gets too worked up if people talk, but it is cool to notice their rapt attention.

Maybe that look I saw on some faces was the kind of interest one shows when watching a train derail.  Who knows?  In any case, they were definitely paying attention. My chiropractor and his wife show up, too.  That was cool.

They reacted enthusiastically.  Having Alberto on bass is a crowd pleaser, too.  They like it when he climbs up on the stand up bass.  People go for those things.  It worked out well.

Why Not Me - 10/27/15

If you go here thousands of times, maybe we could play on Jimmy Kimmel.  Really that is the way it works.  Of course I'd rather play Jimmy Fallon show, but Kimmel is just fine with me.  So, if you have software that lets you inundate sites with visits, make it go here  http://songwriter.amplifiertv.com/channel/EnterTheBlueSky     and listen a bunch, or something.  I want numbers, so I don't care about any listening