One Day and Outta Here

I am not ready, but I better manage to be ready before noon Sunday, because that is when the flight leaves for Austin (via San Francisco).  I'd explain the pressure and apprehension, but I won't.  T^here is no explanation because all that is self induced and free floating to a large degree.

None of that changes the force of it.  It may be a healthy thing.  So much is needed in the getting organized and right as rain department.  It may not be that hard to fix.  I almost have to.  Here I am falling apart and people are all over it trying to make me feel real and worthwhile.  It is touching and sad at once. But it makes me think I need to get on top of things so I won't be a needy friend.

Tomorrow is work and try to unclutter and prepare for trip, tons of laundry, etc.  I'll stay with Pt Loma friends and leave my car on their street.  It is how you do it there.  That is cool.   Everything feels weird lately, like I am in a foggy bubble.  There but not there.  That is better than melting depression, even though it is probably a manifestation of depression.

It is a trying time.  It will be OK.  It will be OK.  Pay the Man.  Fix the clutter.  Exercise and be of good cheer.  That's the hope of a plan.

Let's Examine the History of Dimwiticisms in One's Life

Ha!  No way am I going to specifically enumerate and elaborate upon my forays into the dark world of "what an idiot" endeavors.  However, I can say that I often thought things like, "Oh my God!!  I'm 35 and have to start life all over again.  I'm too old to ever...blablabla".

I have been reasoning that way since I was 25.  One way or another.  And I have been stuck in a certain way, under certain conditions (common conditions) for all that time.   So, if I now say, "I am too old" or "I am too sick with rare and exotic ills", I will never get anywhere.

I will yet prove to the world that I am somewhat strong and hard core.  Wait.  That is a lie.  I may yet prove that to myself.  The world is oblivious to such things for the most part.

Certain aspects of life are similar.  Sort of like how the typical human has two arms, eyes, and such.  How well those items serve a person varies a great deal.  Check your buff bod privilege. You know who you are.

The point is:  things are confusing, dismal, neglected, cluttered and confusing again in my life.   Facing it all in an organized fashion is probably what has to be done.  I freeze.  And I have been known to tell myself that it is too late for any sort of stability and domestic bliss.

I have told myself it would be unfair to let anyone in close because I have only pain to offer.  I decided that because of my rare but probably manageable disease.  But I had other versions of the same thing running in years past.  The point is that I copped out.  We are here.  We exist.  We live and life is a very bizarre circumstance.  Really.  I never would have dreamt it up.  Existence itself is really beyond the scope of your highly intellectual forums, like The View, and other authoritative bodies.

So, the point is probably not what people tell you who send others to war, or even the media stuff.  There is that grubby sort of greed.  Lately, people nail it on the "one percent" but I don't buy it.  I have seen what the workplace does to normally moral people of integrity.  They will go against all values in the name of "just doing my job", and for no big salary at that.  Really, what people will do.  The dishonesty, which is a pillar of many institutions and firms, expected of employees is deplorable. Many times the customer service rep is used as a shield while skulduggery is afoot in all the upper levels of management directing policy and behavior of the reps.  They get hung out to dry and rather than face their own truth or yours, they find themselves lying.  Or enforcing policies, as directed,  in ways that make no sense.

That is neither here nor there.  Unfreezing and losing the martyr routine and other nonsense, would make me so much happier, and probably healthier, too.

Playing VFW tomorrow--a Christmas party.  That's about it.  Had great practice over at Sande's.  I just happen to really like her songs.  I think the right arrangement is the ticket.  We should be recording before too long.  Even if the arrangement curbs my participation, I am all for the best move for the tune.  And I like to see good things get their just due.

If I do this even half way right, it will be a miracle and make life vastly better.  What is wrong with someone who has such a hard time doing what is best?  Anyone can claim fatigue, etc.  Exercise is the best hedge against fatigue and mitigator of chronic fatigue.  It can become such a habit that one may react as if he were in the throes of exhaustion when in fact he was in the throes of a behavior rut.

I had some pain free hours and some brief peace of mind. So, it is possible.  And probably within reach.

The Bottom Line. At The End of The Day

When all is said and done,  the real trick is to hang on long enough to find the wherewithal to start living like a sane person; to quit being nuts.
That is the whole battle in a nutshell.   A person can be so isolated, and crave company so much, that he ends up losing all skills necessary to obtain those goals,

If you don't think that sucks, then you probably have a good life since it is clear you've never been there.  Do you and yours a favor--never go there.  Bless you and good day.

Odd But Welcome

Tonight was one of those times, characterized by the absence of pain and overwhelming fatigue.  Just feeling alright.  It feels like being healed.   It doesn't often last long but long enough to help me visualize my goal of how I want this to be.

I was thinking; even though I have sounded like the worst deal ever from a mate point of view, the reality is that I am probably a better bet than ever.  Under certain circumstances.  Never mind what they may be.

The sudden reprieve from a certain pain is pretty cool.   I had some energy.  Just dawned on me.  Today was not too bad.  Different.  Let's hope that is a good sign.  The last thing I need is more smothering sad blues.  Depression is used for that but I do not like the word when it has to do with me.  Those people get depressed.  People like me get the blues.

Even though I don't read back, I am glad I have it written down that I felt OK for several hours.
This may happen more often.  I would be OK with that.

Did I Already Cover This?

I don't recall writing about the Mt Helix sing-a-long.  But I may have.  Too lazy to go back and check.

I will let it go for now.  Now that I think of it, the major deal is that I am not at this moment overwhelmed with the blues.  Going to the coffee house was a good move.  I brought my stuff but did not plan on playing.  I was able to just listen to people. Pretty much it is just musicians playing for musicians.  But it is in no way off-putting or an inhospitable environment.  Quite the opposite.

That is why I am glad I went.  Very warm reception, and I left without playing, but I felt much better than I did earlier.  I've kind of been in pain I guess.  On and off. It throws you off.  But I am figuring out the hard truth.  And that is, too much rest is a bad thing. You will feel less pain by pushing past the fatigue and all that. It is just recognizing the hump and pushing past it.

Not unlike when you get up real early every day for a job. You stumble out the door and hope cruise control will guide the car.

More playing ahead.  First, on Sunday there is some annual party for the local music newspaper, the Troubadour.  They hold it different places every year.  Last year was a fantastic place, but I understand that this year it is in a dump.  Not like I never played anything lest than 5 stars.

In practice I try never to go below 1 star.

Then, on Wed., 23rd, I play with Valor and Lace for the VFW Christmas party in Lakeside.  If you have money that VFW is fairly welcoming to anyone.  Within reason.  Anyway that will be interesting.  The sound from Chris and Emily's P.A. board/system overall has been better each time since he got the new board.  It is so crazy that the whole group will be just outside of Austin while I am there from 27th and leave the 1st.  I may be able to play with the group on the 31st.

It would be in a barn set up for the purpose.  And Valor and Lace would play and there would be a bunch of Texans, I guess.   I hope I can make it.  I'd love to meet the family and all that.  E's kids are going with them, which is really cool.  Both from the standpoint of how cool road trips are for children, but how much I would enjoy seeing them in that environment.  They are a real joy.

This Is a Roller Coaster Time of Year and Life

Many times I have wondered out loud at the situations in which I find myself.  Last night I was part of a Christmas sing-along atop Mt. Helix in La Mesa.  La Mesa is really just El Cajon west, in my book.  I don't know where one stops and the other starts.

The view of the city and surrounding area is spectacular.  Kind of an uppity neighborhood, even though the part at the top is a park.  It is a large amphitheater.

The band, with my ex-marine pal Chris, and Emily, and Nam vet Richard, which is called Valor and Lace somehow pulled me into this event.  It was organized by the head of the West Coast Country Music association, James.  I think that is what it is called.  James has his own band and I think they do well playing country covers.

Like Enter the Blue Sky, V and L play a lot of originals.  Not nearly as many, or as much material overall, but Chris and Emily have been adding stuff at an impressive rate.  They have been improving at an impressive rate.

It is my belief that some people have an intangible quality that draws people in and makes them special performers.  I do not think it can be taught.  Chris has that.  And Emily is rather a treat for the eyes as well.  She also has good singing potential.  Even so, and even with Richard's killer dobro, myself on harmonica, Chris is the guy you want up front.  Plus Richard and I are way older.

I tend to need these things to fight what I suppose is out of control depression or maybe the mind muddling that goes with MPNs and the pill I take to combat it.   Whatever it is, it is physically gripping and mentally paralyzing.  We have been down that road a million times.

This Christmas thing was very disorganized.  Other than Chris three other frontmen were involved. Two of them mostly play one man acts.  They are very good, but not so in tune with playing with others and being good back up.  Chris has probably not even a tenth of their experience but he came off as more the professional in my mind.

Richard and I were off to one side with a bass player, just watching as those guys dropped the ball when they weren't the front--kind of tossing one another under the bus, as near as we could tell.

Somehow it managed to work out in the end.  People had song books and sang along, and the rain we feared waited until we were gone.

What turned things around and saved the day was when someone had the idea of inviting all the kids on stage to join in. There were tons of them.  A couple of ladies had a barely walking toddler and one maybe four years old.  I gave the lady with the littlest one my mic and coaxed the kid into making some noise, once he tired of licking the mic.  The other kid wanted no part of it.

It changed my mood.  I was barely fit to be in public when the thing started, but left a temporarily upbeat person by the end.

We had no practice.  Only one meeting in which the front men seemed to vie for dominance.

I have to say, I have become far more impressed with Marines than I ever was.  I am not fond of military things, or never was. But here I am, in the thick of Wounded Warriors and who knows what.  And their kindness to me when it counts is somewhat touching.

They understand I have been playing with Sande's group and have loyalty there.  Sande is a little nervous I think.  That is nice to be sought after, but the fact is we are not doing my songs and I am there to make them sound good, and keep out of trouble.  So, it is hard to just not play with anyone other.

There was some Christmas song that included a solo being thrown my way.  I had it nailed and seeing the look of pride on Chris' and Emily's faces was heartwarming.  Some of the other front guys just let the backing chords almost die out, but I was on it enough that it did not throw me off.  Oh, yea, and some people in the audience gave me applause.  That was cool.  No other leads or solos got that in mid song. See?  I have an ego, too.  But I don't take that stuff too seriously.  I just love affirmation, praise, and love.  I'm inwardly a basket case and I hope to fix that before I die.

To Clarify

There are a number of cultures and groups that I don't really like.   That does not mean that I would go out of my way to persecute or mistreat individuals in those groups, but I would not give them special treatment either.  And if I find certain behaviors and mannerisms trigger mistrust in me, then so be it.  I am well aware that seriously mistaken actions can occur if one is not careful.

That is why governments ought to adhere to the idea that one is innocent until proven guilty.  It is is easy to jump to conclusions which result in unfair condemnation.

That being said, I think there are groups and people who play the government and guilt ridden people of this country in order to serve their own ends.  Ultimately, those guilt ridden people are denied their own culture and customs due to the sway some groups have in making the majority accommodate their prejudices and customs.  I may find that a bit much in many cases.

Quote of Day

From John Irving novel, Avenue of Mysteries; " it was seemingly nitpicking scrutiny of a subject that eluded any concrete description."

Referring to a book which analyzes someone else's take on someone else's work.

It struck me as funny and a perfect description.

Privilege? Un be friggin lievable!!!

Everything now is privilege.  White privilege. Because you are white, you suck.,  You have no bills, are ushered to the front of every line, and people give you unlimited credit without so much as asking if you have a source of income.

And now, on facebook--of course--I see talk of male privilege.  It had to do with some man--possibly fictitious--who was upset, at a college party, that the hostess had placed tampons and pads in a basket in the bathroom, in plain sight.  The guy supposedly complained saying that guys don't want to see that.  So, the person writing about this event calls this "male privilege", and further claims that this is why she still needs to be a feminist.

Feminist by it's very meaning is somewhat exclusive.  And combative.  A masculinist would be a dolt.  What kind of clown would really go for that?   Oh. Maybe the shari'a law people.  OK.  I guess my point is gone. Wasted.  That must be my male privilege.  Or is one the flipside of the other.?  Cut from the same cloth.  I hope not.  I think these things vary, person to person.

I don't know about male privilege.  Maybe I should talk about my special purpose...

So, as long as there are "jerks like this" she will be in her for-and-about-women-only armor.  There is no mention of crazy, rude, inconsiderate, male abusing women.  But, in reality, it is always the male who needs training according to those who create political correctness and terms like "white privilege", etc.  I need to find a way to throw in the words, "empower" and "robust", and that will put me right in the mainstream of the cliched concerned activist who just wants what is best for you.  And wishes you to have just that whether you want it or not.

Male privilege.  Come on people.  Say what you are thinking.  "I hate white men!!" ( Unless they grovel and claim that they, too hate white men.)  Being gay helps because it almost erases your "whiteness" and your privilege..

There used to be female privilege, but that is rapidly dying.   For whatever reason that women want to be in combat, they are setting the stage for girls to have to register with selective service, too.  What a name--Selective Service.  No service to it.  The DRAFT.   I don't think people have any idea how awful it is to have the draft hanging over you.  You are in high school trying to get by and maybe you do not want to be required to serve for a war with no clear defensive purpose.

I hope the active draft never returns.  But if it does, I will be very sad if women, too, get drafted.  Gays screwed up, too, in a way.  Now you can't get out of the draft that way.  Under don't ask don't tell you could bail on the military by coming out.  In a situation of being drafted for a bogus war, avoiding the draft is not hurting your country.  The draft and the bogus war are.  Same to me either way. You go girls and all that tripe.  That must be my male privilege rearing its head.

I loved the draft.  Being a slave of the state is just cool as can be.

OK. No More News for Awhile

Really.  I did not think we could do worse for attorney general than Eric Holder.  I was wrong.  Loretta Lynch is either nuts or purely evil.  Holy smoke.  Her reaction to San Bernardino?   Better watch your anti-muslim rhetoric.  If she deems it hateful you can be investigated and charged with some kind of hate crime.

In light of this, I must clarify what I meant when I said I didn't like Islam and that I found imams who crossed my path to be jerks.  What that actually meant was that I find islam to be the most lovely, peaceful, fun loving religion ever, and I find the stonings and other acts of religious correction to be beautiful expressions of love.   And I meant that the holy men of that faith are wonderfully fair, respectful of all people, and above all, peaceful.

I think this is the biggest worry we have---people not loving islam and people not wanting muslims in their neighborhoods.  That is what we need to watch out for.  What they mean by "see something, say something" is that if you see or hear anything that may possibly indicate that someone doesn't like islam and may not be welcoming to muslims, you should report them.

But let's be clear.  I love all of them, especially women who cover up except for little eye slits.  Showing more skin than that is scandalous and how can a man be blamed if he attacks?  Geez.  Get with it.  We are lucky our astute attorney general understands this stuff and also understands the constitutional limits intended on the authority of our government.  Yay for us.

Holy sh**.  Really.  Did the USSR look like an attractive model?  Cuba?  I guess I am just too stupid to get it.  I was thinking maybe little terrorist groups operating under the idea that they serve some god by killing innocent people was a worry.  I see now that the real worry is that someone might have an unfavorable or biased view of the beautiful world of the islamic faith and culture.  My bad.