Once Again, doing a 180

Just an aside.  180 degrees is like an about face.  If you were going north and did a one eighty, you'd be going south.  I say that because I don't know how often I've heard someone claim to have done a 360 turning their life around.  (I give up and use 'their' as a universal, singular possessive pronoun.  I guess that is what it is. I am horrible at naming things like that)  Anyway, if you do a 360, you could just as well have stayed home and took a nap.

I may have disparaged the medical world and they do deserve it to a large degree, but I have to say, I have had an easy time navigating it once my friend Lynn hooked me up with best case insurance options, and on my own I sought out who to deal with.  I will not deal with the arrogant intern guy, but I will continue with the arrogant blood guy.

I am doing so well on a low dose of the drug to deal with blood production that it has got me so close to within bounds on all values that I would pass if this were even a private high school.   They'd make me jump through some hoop but I would pass.

That is because I am the miracle boy, hard as it is to live in this mind.  Today it is not only easy, but entertaining and nice.  A rarity, to be sure.

But the frustrating thing is the pins and needles attack.  It is kind of itch and kind of not.  More like nano second convulsions, each accompanied by a simultaneous itchy pin prick.  Like the end of a thick paint brush full of these things, each bristle a nano-second, seizure causing tentacle.   That is almost the deal when it hits really hard.  I can mostly avoid that.

Anyway, the blood guy does his job but insists I am wrong; no way scalding hot water can make the itch go away.  Even though that is often the only salvation.  Rare physical stuff is best not shared with know it all specialists who know only one thing.  I plan to write up a paper for him and any other doctor educating them on aquagenic pruritus and refer them to some sources.

You look how boring most trade publications are. Especially among elitist con artists like doctors and lawyers.  They use a lot of Latin and Greek to intimidate the clients they allegedly serve.  Intimidation=$$$$  That is why government often harasses people in ways that force them to get a lawyer, and once they pay some money, the harassment goes away.  They are in league, of course.

Thank you for paying much of my bill.  At least the insurance part.  Although, right now, I pay as much in insurance, or more, than care is costing me.  But if anything changes maybe I would need it.

I got a card that says "Silver Sneakers".   Unbelievable.  A card for "seniors" to get into participating gyms.  Part of insurance.

I felt so demeaned.  Silver sneakers?  That's sort of like some toddler sounding program.  Patronizing.  Now they are going to treat me like they do kids.  Talk real fake and slow and clear and in your face with my fake f'ing, screw you, senior, smile.  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I hate the term "seniors".   Not fond of "youngsters", either.  Take that how you will.

Wow, these spunky seniors can show the kids a thing or two when it comes to hopscotch on this sidewalk!!!
That's the kind of stuff news people say.  Why?  Because they have no souls.

You asked, I told you.  Don't be shooting the messenger.

It is so bizarre.  I am in a group that usually falls between the seams or os invisible to government largesse--as it should be, it a perfect world--however, this time I am in the perfect loser demographic to benefit from the health thing.  My age helps I guess.  I am just poor enough that I can select some choices to fund whatever medicare doesn't pay.  If I were poorer, I would not be allowed that option. Insane, arbitrary and a little bit cold hearted.

I may see if I can drop the supplement because I am only having to run labs and see a Dr about every four or five months as long as these levels maintain.

Maybe it is good that you pay so much and then I am more or less forced to accept what your money buys in the form of insurance and subsidies.  In principle I do not agree with it.  But screw it.  I may need the psych part just to stay afloat.  I feel like I have to do something useful if I survive, to justify your support of my health and such.

If I were running for president I'd promise everyone health care and assure you that the Canadians would pay for it.

I'd blame everything on videos; incest, murder, rape, mayhem, rocket attacks--you name it.

Aptly Named, Target

I'm not much for boycotts.  Although my life often appears to be one big boycott.  Those are either the good times when I don't spend money, or the bad times when I am too broke to pay attention.

Here we are now with another Target boycott.  This time, according to the chance article I read, it is lead by Christian groups who disapprove of how they operate their restrooms.  I doubt people really investigate these things before reacting.

Somehow it has really become the item du jour to distract people from reality.  I keep thinking all kinds of mischief must be happening in real life, and that is why they keep tweaking an absurd yet emotional issue that they know will get everyone on their high horse.

Soliloquy after soliloquy with poetic homage paid to the convoluted philosophical position of each alleged side in this odd controversy.

Here is the good news:  If enough people boycott Target, stuff is going to start going on sale and killer bargains can be had.

My impression is that the boycott idea is considered right wing.  Last time I remember them being boycotted was something to do with unions.  I can't believe that veil still stands up.  But I think people view unions and their tactics like people view the Mob.  If they are the recipients of generosity or financial gain due to the actions of the thugs, well, then, they aren't thugs, they are just people fighting for rights and dignity, etc.  

It is the victim mentality.  If you or those you protect enjoy victim status, then all normal restraint and humanity of conscience are suspended, because you can't have a victim without an assailant of some sort.  And you do anything to survive so it is OK to do rotten things to the bad guys.  Both sides may be bad guys.  In this context, both sides generally play victim.  It is a game, and it is a sham on the large scale.  Of course government is heavily involved.  That keeps the right interests on top.  Unions are right there with Monsanto or any large multi-national.

Unions are big business.  They basically sell votes and government worker unions very transparently launder union dues into campaign support for purchasing politicians of their choice.  From one standpoint, it is brilliant.  If anyone questions tax paid worker unions, and their heavy political activism, they are called anti-worker, duped by corporations, etc.

Be that as it may.  The point is that Target experienced a more left wing organized boycott the last time.  Everyone boycotts Target, so it seems.  And mostly over stuff that probably doesn't even concern them.

I wonder if there will be sales now, or maybe wait a few days before heading out to Target.  I will make a point Not to use the bathroom before I go.  I want to use theirs.

How Do These Non-Issues Become Issues?

It is like intellectual neo-dadaism.  Or something.  How can it be this huge deal regarding transgenderation?   And now it is a bigger deal because anyone can imagine itself to be any sex whatsoever and exercise the the rights and privileges that come with it.

I fancy myself a 6' 4" Honduran pole dancer and book shop owner.  Any word to the contrary from anyone just proves that they are xenophobic, racist (of course), sexist bullies, and anti-literate.

What is being done here, and what the lunatics are doing to young children, is not healthy and, at best, is based upon junk science.  I will be told that is debatable.   I do not care to debate the structure of nature or the nature of rights.  Time will most likely prove me right, but I will probably be long gone by then.

Forcing a kid to be what he cannot is unkind, at best.  But pretending to be open while actually pushing some ill conceived act of love and tolerance upon him because he once picked up a doll is as bad.  Maybe worse.  Convincing yourself your young child is transgender at age five is nuts. Convincing him is cruel and wrong.  I have seen a couple of families who wanted to be on tv with their near toddler transgendered unfortunate.  They are pushing it. The kid knows nothing.

I think a lot of parents fall into a pattern of rewarding confusion that they actually create.   The child is getting all this loving attention--It is OK, my barely out of diapers child, we applaud your courageous stand in realizing you are a drag queen diva locked in a five year old boy's body.   And now the kid is special.  That is pretty much all the kid knows at that point, "If I act a certain way, I get a certain reward."  Kids sense that progressive pride a parent feels when the child is the center of a controversy they can sink their teeth into.

The zanier the better.  And even better yet if it inconveniences others. After all those others are selfish mean bastards who don't care or understand. No escaping these people.  Ignore them and they block the roads. It's like all the gimme dolla guys around Memphis.  They are relentless and all pervasive.  They just won't go away.

All the special talk and controversy.  That kid now has found the way to the zone where no one can criticize him, and people come to coddle him and soothe his pain--whether any exists or not.

This episode will someday be viewed as a flight of fancy and a bunch of nonsense.  Many think this is progress, as defined by progressives.  That is a misnomer unless you take it to mean progressively more draconian and insane.

They should more accuratetly call themselves "oppressives".  Those are the ones who think it is OK to stop traffic in the name of their cause, because they are righteous.  They are the ones who think shouting people down or otherwise denying them the right to speak is OK, because they know what the person was saying was somehow damaging and can't be heard.  Just can't.  Might trigger the fragile sensibilities of the faithful and make them feel unsafe.

I know the feeling.  I watched some Hollywood nitwit spend all his time telling everyone to use only one little square of toilet paper in order to save the planet, rain forests, and God only knows what else.  That is a progressivism in a nut shell.  Misguided collectivists idealists.  Get me the fumigator.

And though time may prove me right, the creative scribes of history will likely cast a fantasy land version of reality as the definitive record of this period of time. 

It seems like it would be one thing if someone got the surgery to approximate the sex they weren't but insisted they were inside.  But you go showering with the girls  at high school age?   Some may be disturbed by the mismatch between some body parts and self assessment.

That is the only problematic situation I see in this deal.  If they had said, when I was seventeen, that  I could go shower in the girls locker room if I felt like a girl inside, I suspect several of my pals and I would have suddenly found our inner girls and skipped right on over there.

Denying reality while trying to pretend to be compassionate does not change that reality.  Someone went out of their way to dream up this non-issue.  One day there will be a name for this particular madness.  It may even be found that it is a brain infection caused by soy milk or some mosquito borne virus.

Honestly, I do not care.  But I am not female, and not raising children.  It is very hard just to avoid most of the stuff on cable when you have kids.

Then you have dumbass politicians who no doubt think they are conservative.  Conserving thought, apparently.  They have to create an issue, then go all old west, neck tie party reactionary in fixing in while grandstanding.   It is nonsense.  Both of the sides of this issue are pretty much being idiotic and functioning with partial information because it suits their desires.

I must confess.  Just the other day I used the ladies room because the men's room was unavailable and I was in need.  I have done it many times, taking extra care not to cause moisture to occur on the seat.  I did not have my birth certificate in hand so that could have been trouble.  

SoCal anomalies

A couple of things about the CA culture that stand out are the refusal to clearly post location information on websites for companies, and any event promotion.  There is a real aversion to making it very obvious.

The other thing is that people hate to tie things down in a way that secures the property even if that first skinny piece of string breaks.  They hate to be sure couches and refrigerators won't fall onto the highway.  Half the time they just keep going.  Someone else gets the goods.

If you listen to the traffic reports you can be alerted to good stuff in the road.  "On the 5 south [they always do that 'the' thing with roads] there's a couch in lanes, slowing traffic near the 805 split."  Or it may be an appliance.  Or even an engine block.  One day it was a differential.  The traffic guy knows his jetsam and flotsam.

Can You Imagine Such a Reality Ripple?

When core beliefs or skepticisms are proven wrong or otherwise discovered to be so, it shakes one's reality.  That is the affect on me.  It is a weird kind of feeling.  Like a shock and your body slams a jolt of adrenalin in there.

I realize that I have a totally different view of life than I did even three or four years ago; what matters, things like that.   It is freaking me out because it nullifies almost everything about me, by my reckoning.

So, I have to find ways to defeat that thinking. And feeling.  I believe all that.  Maybe I should assume that there is a reason for all my complete acceptance of misinformation and insistence upon insane judgment calls.  It is a very haunting sensation that tends to last far too long.

Oh forget that!

What amazes me about humans is how much technological progress they have made.  In truth, sociological, too, though we tend to revert.  But our species has managed to create some fairly clean and functional cities, and comfort which is only had by tricking and bending nature.  Protecting ourselves from its whims and bugs.

What has happened in only a few lifetimes is remarkable.  The cumulative effect from the efforts of many independent creators, mostly not even aware of one another.

I need to stop and ponder.  Best course of action is almost always obvious, just not always the most convenient.  Even so, why would anyone have a reflexive aversion to saving himself certain pain and remorse?  There is no reasonable reason, so let's just not consider that an option.  Any more.

Dystopia in a Heartbeat or Two

It is easy to forget that most people are younger than I am, and they don't remember the days prior to mandatory seat belts, complete fear of everyone, schools serving as parent and guardian, cops in the halls, search and seizure without direct cause in the name of national or other security.  We are so safe.

Due to the presentation of our lives, by media and government, as being in imminent danger at all times from white men, products, weather, itinerate perverts, etc., we actually tend to believe that we are in more of a war zone now than ever.

A look at crime statistics, (which we only look at selectively to avoid the fact that the most vocal victims in our country happen to be about 20 times more likely to shoot or rape you than other groups), shows that we do not have significantly more of this stuff than in the past.  We just package the sensational images and stories more effectively.

News naturally does anything it can to promote regulation of any and every kind.  They just do.  Government likes that because they like power, and some actually believe they are better at running the lives of others than the owners of those lives.  Of course, some would go so far as to debate who owns your life.

The office of mayor of New York City has long been a place where would be tyrants and out of touch billionaires run rough shod over anything resembling rights, reason, and integrity.  Giuliani was an anomaly.  His focus was a little more reasonable than the last couple they have had there.

Now this clown, De Blasio, -another politician unfamiliar with the Constitution and any notion of proper government function--is using his office's bully pulpit  to harm and bully businesses who disagree with him politically.  So, the owners of Chik-a-Filet (that right?)--do not embrace the whole lbgtqxyz activist agenda, so Bill publicly suggests boycotting them.

And people think it is OK.  It is not.  I don't care how dysgendered or erotically unusual you are.  Anyone can go in and buy chicken so it must just be a problem if you do not also think Bruce Jenner is a hero.

So we have the mayor of one of the premier cities in the world using his office to affect the business and income of those who don't support him and his causes.

Then in Wisconsin, there is a guy riding around on a motorcycle, showing off his big tattoo, suggesting that Paul Ryan arm wrestle him.  In the video, he has a passenger, but you cannot really tell who or what it is.  Maybe a wife?  So bundled up, and with the helmet and all, it could be a boyfriend.  We don't know.  He was trying to look like a badass, except for the part where he's in a suit walking around in a warehouse.

After the arm wrestle challenge, he turns his back and walks into some building, maybe a gay bath house or a gym.  His badass T shirt without sleeves has a bandana wearing skull and crossbones on the back.  ???  WTF?

What is it with people who love death stuff and bones?  I never got it with real bikers any more than with politician bikers.  What a creep.  Grown man, running for an important office which directs trillions of dollars, sends people to fight wars, screws with regulations and dreams up hoops for citizens to jump through just in order to keep the guns away from their door, and he is publicly trying to play mean biker bully to get the job?

Maybe don't vote Ryan, I don't know.  I have never been a big fan of his.  Somehow the charm of either party has worn off.  I really wanted to like any party opposing the democrats, but there is no such thing I don't think. They are all nuts.

But some shallow lawyer playing weekend Hell's Angel, showing off his stupid tattoo, and taunting his opponent with arm wrestling is too much.  Besides, I think Ryan is the one always working out, so he probably can beat the wannabe biker with the mystery person of unknown gender assignment or preference on the back.

Just wait.  Those clowns will probably have a debate down the line and then arm wrestle in some beer joint.  Maybe life is supposed to be a circus. Anymore, I just do not know.

I am so glad I don't catch the videos and tele news too much.  This is the dumbest election cycle in some time.

But millenials and most others have no clue that the path is toward a dystopian all powerful state which continually promotes fear while creating chaos and fostering crime. All in the packaging.  I heard one talking to his mom about the '50's, "when it was OK for a husband to beat his wife".   What?  That is how people are taught.   It is not true.  Just like American men, and Canadian too, probably, have generally treated women on a more egalitarian basis than their european counterparts, and absolutely better than their Latin American counter parts.

But you'd never know it because of what is presented and reinforced.  

The biggest problem has always been the hiding of root causes for things.  If you jump into analyzing the process at a point along the way, you are likely to miss the real impetus of the whole thing.

Reality is that government is a money maker for a lot of people.  It is good to have various things handled in common, especially since you are paying for me.  But it is not the altruistic ultimate arbiter of truth and justice, and should not be treated as such.  I fear officialdom run amok as much as I do the riffraff.  Maybe more.

Through fear mongering, we have a society peopled by young adults who never knew any significant time in childhood when they weren't monitored, strapped in, helmeted and schooled in superstitious rituals and rites which are passed off as celebrations of diversity and fairness.

My crowd was fed a lot of garbage too.  That is why the new batch is even deeper in the nonsense.  I knew it was a veiled form of bullying then, and I know it now.   The real enticement that few will admit has been the state's eager insistence on taking over child care.  Suckers think they are off the hook.  Accidentally gave birth, how bout you feed this thing breakfast and lunch and keep him all day so I can absolve myself of the guilt of having kids I cannot care for, and about whom I care not.

But do not hurt his-her-its feelings without providing some safe space where all who are different become fair game for us to bully him-her-it until it-him-her goes away or we righteously beat it to a pulp.

All of a Sudden, Nothing

I've learned my lesson as far as explaining my disconnect and confusion, confessing my inability to properly live and embrace life, and medical worries.  Those are just excuses for why I am as I am.  Or something.  Or, more accurately, why I am not what I should be, could be, and in God's eyes and those who think the see those orbs, too, why I have sinned against all that is holy for not using my brain to change the world and stuff.  

If I had such a brain, and I do not, I would use it to create a far different life.  This is not working but one cannot be frozen in place for weeks on end with only reprieves of a few hours here and there, and expect to be sitting on much that is worthwhile.

My theory is that not everyone has the same degree of imperative when it comes to deep seeded, primitive instincts.  Some survive no matter what.  Some multiply against all odds and prudence.

There are many less obvious drives that steer humanity, as well.  It is natural for people, if the think you are down, to kick you and take whatever they can.  In civilization, they don't admit it, but it is done on every level of life.  So, the bit of actually telling those who profess friendship of your deepest fears and most worrisome battles is a lie.  Do not tell anyone of any fear or weakness. 

Because, if there is any validity to your fears or maladies, you will get trounced.  Don't test friendship that way.  Such tests rarely work out well.  I would think avoiding test situations is best.   

Anyway, what happened?  I think no one is left standing on the republican side, except Trump.   The more I hear from people acting like it will be the end of the world if he were elected, the less I think they are right.  Obama didn't end the world.. Yet.

No, the real issues are faulty intrinsic instincts, and some instincts run amok.   I don't know how that part works.  In some people there is an overpowering imperative to turn on themselves, relentlessly.  

 It seems like a feeling of "what now?".   The thought of Trump and Hilary trading attacks is not pleasant.  Thankfully I do not have TV, as in cable and such.  I avoid a lot of news without even trying any more.  

If only the governmental freaks would just generally leave people alone.  But they don't.  They are paid to dream up ways to insinuate themselves into your life and to judge and control your behavior, choices, habits, you name it.  

No candidate running understands that the purpose of the constitution is to limit and contain government power, as a safeguard to the people.  Most of the public does not get that either.  It is the nature of humans, still, to abuse power and to feed their greed.  So you have to keep the keepers of the peace peaceful.  Best way is to limit temptation - limit power.

Another Strange Day Playing

Playing, as in playing the music songs. I know it can have many connotations.  I actually never wanted to be a guy that played these events; that played music at all.  Seriously, I never really liked the thought of it.  And here I am.  In a way that sucks.  Even though I may be considered entertaining or good by some.

I hate it with a passion when someone tells me they can hear me in this instance and that but they think they are supposed to hear more, like I get too quiet.  IDIOTS!!!  The art of the M*&^% F(&^%g blend, Dumbass!  The do not realize what they are hearing because there is a harmonic that happens with the guitar, and some with the viola that is almost indistinguishable from what I am playing.  They we peel off, like the Blue Angels doing that thing where they split off in different directions, but in harmony.

Anyway.  Adams Avenue Unplugged.  But that was a big fat lie.  Everyone was plugged in, at least to a P.A. and often an amplifier.  They invite various groups and, apparently, assign the groups and the venues match-ups.  We got an Italian place.  In SoCal, tons of restaurants have as much or more outdoor seating as indoor.  But the outdoor patio is often covered with a series of giant umbrellas or other tent like contrivance.  Like this place.  There is a wall between the sidewalk and the seating area/patio.  But it is only about bar height, and has a nice flat suface so passers by cabn lean on it an watch the band.

When we started, the place was pretty much empty.  It was packed by about the third song, and people were three deep on the sidewalk looking over that wall I mentioned.   So we played our obligatory hour set.   Then we were supposed to take a break for an hour and come back and do another hour.  But when we quit, the restaurant owner or manager came over and asked if we would start early because we brought in a crowd.  We could have quit early but everyone was having a good time playing so the hour and a half still felt like fifteen minutes.

Part of me likes this.  And part of me despises it.  I really doubt that is a good thing.  I'll see what I can do about fixing that.

I messed up like crazy.  No one else probably realized.  It was not obvious.  I know when I miss.  Today was enough fun that I think that came through so anywhere I fell short of my goal may not have dampened it too much.

There were groups all down the street at different places.  I'd say we lucked out by getting the venue best suited to us.  At least I liked it better than the other places I checked out later.

This oppositional dichotomy disorder must be addressed in no uncertain terms.  (when you hear stuff like "in no uncertain terms", you know whatever precedes it will get lost in the maze of madness.  It will not happen any time soon--whatever it is.

The Studio

So, I still have not heard everything I played in the studio last week.  I had a feeling it would be different from anything anyone has heard from me.  The sound was so good for how I wanted to play, it was hard to go wrong.  I could go from the very faintest of whispers on up to a trumpet blast. But mostly the change has been the chord use.  Growly, flowy chords.

I think I may be on to a style.  Aboriginal, urban swamp harmonica, played cleanly and dynamically so that even the sound engineer was blown away with the way it grew out of whatever the viola was laying down at times.

I heard just a little of what was recorded, and I would be hard pressed to do as well without hearing it some more.  That was an inspired day. And now they've put in some harmonies. That and the instrumental background work give it a real multi dimensional feel.  There are some surprisingly unique and good sounds on this cd.  I can't wait until it is mixed and I can hear it.  Although I may be there for the mixing.  I usually keep my mouth shut and let them do their thing.  If asked, and if I have a strong opinion, I will express it.

Lifted this pic off their website.  The recoding room and isolation booth are on other side of glass.  Not a huge control board but pretty much state of art. They do a lot of TV work and such too.  Anyway, so far I like what they do and how they do it.  Thomas the sound engineer is probably the key to all of it. 
There are a couple of very good rolling chairs that are good for your back, not shown.  End product will tell the tale.
You can't tell from this angle but there is a double door between the recording area and the control room.

This has been the best all around recording experience so far.  I think it is the first time I recorded in the big room with mics and baffles all around, and did not hold a microphone.  And it would pick it up if I just thought about a whisper of a sound.

It is driving me crazy not hearing it all.  What I did hear is musically beyond anything I've done.  Maybe musically is right.  Playing off the viola lady who has a doctorate in music or music education. That must count for something in music.  Anyway, I think the blend on the recording is pretty good on some of what I heard.  I hope it is the same all through.

This project may end up better than expected.  Any time people record on a shoestring, it is very tough to get a result that doesn't sound wrong somehow.  Over produced.  Under produced.  Ill conceived.  A friend of ours did a cd there, on a similar budget.  They did a decent job, and he has won some awards.  I did not know there were organizations that held such ceremonies on lesser levels than grammys and such.

Whatever the deal, I really like Sande's lyrics, and the music in general.  I have been looking for the evolution this recording project has brought.  It influenced me and the viola for sure.  Probably bass and singer too.  But the trickiest part and the defining aspect of the background and accent is the viola harp blend and interaction.  That is probably what has encouraged some of the chords.  They seem to blend with the viola.

I think you will be surprised at the sound.  Had I not played on it, I would not be sure what instrument I was hearing, much of the time.  And that was the goal, I guess.  I had forgotten until I heard the bits I did yesterday.  They put in some harmonies, but they had the balance set so harp and viola were way down or off. And they did not do all songs or go through the entire song.

Maybe Autism, or Depression or wrong place at wrong time

It makes me angry sometimes.  Other times I am left kind of empty and confused by it.  It, of course, is that thing I have not been able to get past.  Hardly anyone has.

There is anger at people who back in my youth claimed I did not try, or did not live up to some mysterious expectation based on that which I either did not know, or by design had been hidden from me, ensuring my ignorance.  There is anger at people who even now would decide that my failures are somehow an insult to them, or a license to scold me for under-achieving.

It is not fun for me, and hasn't been for a long time.  Mostly because I don't get it. Or something.  And I have no excuse and no good description of the way this stuff works.  Sadness chases me.  I will change things yet.

So, thanks for the anger.  I may become angry enough not to accept defeat. That would take lots of anger because I am tired, beat, and mostly feel like wasted space.  That is just the way of it.

I still may become angry enough to make "them" eat their words or otherwise cease to have a shred of power or influence over me.  What's the charm of pour salt and vinegar into wounds?  That is all it is when I am admonished for not being better than I am, and living up to imaginary potential or level of life which eludes me.   These are not the easiest of times or the worst.

I have a very simple set of goals that need achieving.  Once they are met.  I can go anywhere or nowhere, in peace.