One Step Forward and a bunch in all other directions

People may think I whine, but they have no clue what I really experience.  When the fog gets this heavy, it is a little scary.  Can't get up for more than a couple of minutes without felling sick.  It sucks.  But if I can establish some order and adhere to a reasonable schedule, I may survive OK>

Right now, I don't know.  I pushed too hard, as was evident on ride back from work yesterday; several potentially fatal lapses in situational awareness.  I think I was conscious, just in and out of the present reality.

Now I am stuck in an uncomfortable fog of fatigue and a little confusion.  This sucks.  I cannot give up yet.

I wish I truly believed in everything any religion has to offer.   I cannot lie about that.  I lost any faith some time ago.  No idea why.  Maybe lack of discipline, practice, or just being stupid.  People who have faith are better off, I think.  It almost doesn't matter that there is no proof, or the details of what it is they choose to believe.  I do not believe those fools who think they know all there is about life and existence, claiming a belief in science.  What does that mean?  And how can you actually pretend to be scientific if you close off possibilities outside your immediate understanding?  

The academia club can be a disgusting, annoying bunch of tripe.  Never have I met more closed minded people than those who consider themselves the elite of academia, therefore the world.   But right now,  I am too weak to even slap any of them.

My whole body feels like big heavy slap of clay.  Movement is not something it wants to initiate.

So many days, I say to myself, or the God I don't know if I believe exists, "Please.  Not today.  I can't die today, with this mess for others to sort.  Please wait until I have things responsibly ordered.  Then i will accept it.  But for today, please do not let me die.

That is when I feel so heavy, and weak, and foggy, and dimwitted.   I feels like my heart or a blood vessel in my brain could go at any time.  So, I mentally prepare for the monumental effort it takes to sit up, and get up, walk across the room to swallow one low dose aspirin, as prescribed.   I better do it.  Maybe this change is because my blood has gone haywire.   Too many platelets can be big trouble.  Too few can be dangerous, too.  I have tested with both conditions.  Had to cut down on the hydrea when they tanked.

Now I can't wait for night, cool air and maybe a little sleep.,  This tired mess is not so good.  But there are others who have no say so at all.  They can't even move at all.  SO I probably can do OK

Times Are Changing--great gig at the naked place

Physical changes are definitely occurring.   Hardly any of the fiery itch attacks, but fatigue and fogginess have jumped.  I stayed over night at work to get everything done.   I worked into the night on Monday.  I thought it was about 10 PM when I finished.  Yikes, it was way past 1 AM

I did not get much sleep, I suppose.  I will blame that for being so unsafe because I kept zapping into waking dreams on way home.  I almosyt had head-ons, almost hit the embankment on the side of the road, almost hit the end of the guard rail.  On and on.

It was strange and weird, and clearly unsafe.  I kept thinking I was ok, then the next thing I know, in my mind I am elsewhere, either doing something like riding a bike, or talking to someone, etc.  Then zap, I am in reality heading for a giant bolder head on.

Man I cannot do that.  Someone could get hurt.  But they didn't.  I made it home.  The good part is that for the last 25 miles of the journey, presence of other cars and humans are at a minimum.

Even though all the work and exercise and playing help fight fatigue, they do not prevent the cause.  But to a point, being active is therapeutic when I can get rolling.

All of a sudden they are talking about cannabis solutions on the AP forum.  Aquagenic pruritus. That is the best term we have for this symptom.  Water; humidity, perspiration, and any moisture, in general (along with heat) are triggers.   Many of those people have the type of blood disease I have, or something in that family.  Those with JAK2 mutation almost always have "the itch".

Some are affected as I have been, and some do not experience that intensity of discomfort.  The ones who off themselves apparently do.

So, now people are finding hemp/cannabis solutions.  I think CBD oil--the one which is not so psycho-active or narcotic, may help.  It has been a life saver for certain conditions which manifest in seizures.   Also I know of a man who has really defied the rule with his mesothelioma for the last 6 years, since his diagnosis.  His wife did tons of research and started giving him cbd oil with some thc at night, while reducing chemo etc.  You would not believe how well the guy is doing.

CBD is believed to attack some cancers. Really, they do not know much, even about drugs they have prescribed for years.

I have availed myself of patient groups and information in order to try to keep this condition from preventing me from working and doing things.  Living.  My disease is relatively rare, and my subtype and symptoms narrow it even more.  This limits the scope of info, but what info I have found is good and useful.

I have a way to get cbd oil, and I have not had much in the way of attacks for weeks.  Right now, I am not sure if it is the cbd accounting for the change or not.  It could be my situation is changing,   With all the fatigue it may be morphing into myeloid fibrosis.  Only bone marrow biopsy can say for sure.  I have suspected this from the start anyway, but without proof, we do not know for sure.  Reduction in itch, increase in random deep bone pain and joint pain, much increase in heavy footed, stumble-bum fatigue.

It gets embarrassing when I fall easily or bump into things constantly,  It happens with heavy fatigue. Co-workers just think I am clumsy.  I really am not clumsy.

The Gypsyfest gig was fantastic.  I risked all by going up Friday afternoon, pitching a tent, camping for the weekend.  I had to try.  It took forever to put up the tent.  It is a simple tent.  I took a lot of breaks.
But it worked out.  I could not have survived in the heat just setting up a tent, let alone staying there for a couple days, for at least the last two years.  Maybe more.

Some people there do not wear clothes.  It is an optional thing.  The good looking woman with the smirky creepy German guy were camped near me.  They did everything neatly and perfectly.  She was one of the naked ones.  And I like her.  I wish she'd dump Franz.  Of course there appears to be some money there and it could be his.  Otherwise why do nice women hang with jerks of his ilk?

Oh well.  Even the naked ones get way these days.

I have to say, the bands and musicians were pretty cool at this thing.  A somewhat eclectic mix of music.  The people were very nice and respectful, naked or not.  People did not leave trash around.  They pick up after themselves.  Unlike your garden variety "protestor".   I had protest mobs.  I just do. It is not the holy, pure thing we've been told. Mob action and mob psychosis are to be loathed, not promoted.  Not to say rebellion is not often called for.

Protestors are usually totalitarianists trying to stack the deck in their favor, playing victim, minding the business of others--the standard drill.

Enough of that.  You have no concept, I wouldn't think, of what a solid landmark it is that I slept in a firggin tent, and had such a great campsite that it was the hangout for the band and others.  Parking and all that.

I went ahead and played water volleyball in the early morning sunday.  I was in the water without severe itch.  I was able to exert.  You cannot imagine how weird it is to do such things when two months ago, such activity would be out of the question.

I forgot when next appointment is, but with physical changes, no-itch rashes, fatigue, ability to sweat without convulsing and being wiped out for the day with horrible itch, I think they better draw blood and see what's up with the levels.

This series of events marks a very significant, and maybe positive, change.  It is possible that cbd is causing the influence and prevalence of the wacko JAK2 gene to decrease so that the actual disease is minimal or even retreating.  We shall see.  I can be clinical and scientific enough to look for other explanations for the change, even though it coincides with CBD oil intake.

Playing was a little tough.  Certain facial and mouth muscles just kind of froze when I tried to do certain things.  I could not articulate those techniques, so I faked it.  It happens.  The next night at Comedy Club, no such trouble so that is good.

This is way too long.  If you knew what it was like to be me, and if you believe in miracles, you would tend to wonder if me being able to spend even one hour at that desert canyon resort wasn't a miracle.  And the fact I actually camped.  Outside on a hot sunny day...geez.  I was in shade most of the time though.

Maybe I will delve into sub-stories from the Hooplah in Jacumba (hah-CUM-bah) later on.  As well as the whole comedy club thing--a big success--sold out house, best looking crowd I ever played.  Lots of trophy there.

Sorry, But It Was Funny

We're referring to the previous post.  If you weren't so mean, you might know that.

This whole physical ball game has just about pushed my patience as far as it goes.  I have had it with this.  Several splendid days of no trouble.  Then an almost attack at practice yesterday.  Sorry, Karen, the school music regional director or some such, says it is called rehearsal.  Practice is when you learn your part.

To me practice is when you learn how to interact with the others to best effect.   I get where she is coming  from.  Anyway, at practice it was miserable for awhile.  Just short of emergency hot shower mode.  We threw drugs at it.  Pain killers.  Either they helped or it was almost done running its course by then.  Maybe both.

This has not been happening, and the temps have been near or at 100 some of the time.  For the last two years, this kind of heat would totally put me down.  No way could I sweat and work in it.  This week I did.  So, I was all confident to the point of even thinking maybe I don't need to cart around extra clothes and things like that.

Then boom.  But today is ok, if no energy is ok. Few other odd looking manifestations but long sleeves fix that.  Even so, I was able to wear short sleeves, T-shirts,  to work in.  And linen one for that party--E's kid turns 12.  That was outside in a park by some lakes.  lots of sun and heat.  No prob.  A miracle, it was.  

This is one lame set of contenders.  From what we think is available.  But Gary Johnson is good, and if you are so beyond koolaid addled that you suspend belief on cause and effect, in order to better serve your preordained argument, the Green Party candidate would be a winner.

Odd, but I would vote the Green party before I would Hillary.  And I am not a fan of theirs. Just goes to show you.

Whenever I pop my head up out of the sand to see what's happening in the news world, I am stunned by the blatant Hillary lies, both by and about her, and I wonder if Trump isn't trying to convince people not to vote for him.

Running Trump against Hillary may be the only way people would look at her as a calm, sober, even tempered leader.  It backfired I think.  Trump is worried about getting elected, so he will try to talk the public out of it while acting the part of the serious campaigner.

Going through the Lyrics Folder--this cracked me up

For the first time in many months, maybe even a year or two, I decided to look at my lyrics folder.  Actually, Chris, of Valor and Lace, wanted me to send lyrics to him and Emily to see if they could work with them. He liked what he heard Cliff playing of my songs at a party last month.

That is nice.

So, I was hunting down those lyrics and clicked on other titles to see what was what.  One of them rang no bells with me.  There was a phrase or two that seemed like me, but the rest?  No idea.  I will claim it.

Then there is this, which caught me by surprise.  And I am the one who wrote it.  Being me may be an experience which is different from what you'd think.  It is different from what I would think.

Poor ME  (She Did You Wrong)

oh the woman did you wrong

there ain't no doubt

rushed in wearing blinders

my ego knocked me out

red flags were flying, 

like a lighthouse in the night

yet I sailed on

into the rocks

poor me

poor me

I'm a rudderless

ship in a stormy see

and the love of my life

is absentee

poor me 

poor me

it's all her fault

she's a meany

Stuff like this does not grow on trees.  If it did, maybe someone would pay for it like they do almonds and pecans and grapefruit. 

.

No One Is Commenting On The Best Part

Bizarre as it is, the Republican convention is rolling along in Cleveland.   Allegedly "peaceful protestors" attempt to block traffic and impede the free travel of strangers and pedestrians.

I've only seen a few bits and pieces.  I cannot watch too much of any political convention.  The fact that they make a circus out of it, pretending to be patriotic, is nauseating.  The may as well put up a neon sign that says, "You are all suckers.  Thanks for being so easy to control and herd."

Really.  Here we are, deciding who of the mutants who want big government power gets the job.  And how do they apply?  They throw a big party with balloons and red, white and blue everything. Banners, buttons whistles hats signs confetti and much much more.

HOOPLAH GALORE!!!  Vote for me, we hate them.  But THEY also throw a circus party, and lie and ridicule and pretend.  I give up ever trying to convince my Bolshevik relatives that democrats really are the road to totalitarianism in many ways and they are cronied out the wazoo.

Anyone who thinks the republicans are more crony bought than the democrats is sadly mistaken. Why do you think they want to pretend government should decide which ideas and which technology to subsidize and who to ignore or burden with unnecessary red tape.

The conventions are so similar to big car sales.  The target the lowest common denominator.  And the base greed in most people.  Then carnival atmosphere helps cover their lack of restraint.  And people cheer and make noise for the cameras.

The best part of anything I have seen was the clip showing Melania right before she took the stage.  Donald is saying something to her with his hand getting some side of breast action.  Plain as day. and I get it.  Melania is kind of hot.   Top shelf, in the world of trophy wives--and I actually don't mean that in a condemning way, or even critical.  Nothing wrong with that.  In a way Trump would be a trophy husband, too.  Any billionaire or multi-millionaire fits the bill for that.  Especially if they are famous.

I was on the edge of my seat, worried he was going to fondle her even more, on national TV.    Imagine my surprise when the big flap was over her telling the same lies in the same words about what her parents taught her, as Michele Obama did when she was at the Obama nominating circus. All of it is a show like waving shiny lures in front of mindless mullet.
multitudes of followers and believers.   Like my koolaid addled, bolshevik relatives.

I will not argue this stuff with anyone any more.  I actually hate to argue.  Even if I have the logic, hands down,  I will stumble and look stupid, even to myself, as the illogical opponent accomplishes all by being fast talking, so a lie can be sandwiched between two truths before I register the rapid fire talk.

That sense of belonging and purpose, and the intoxication even a little power brings is enough to entice plenty of political volunteers and candidates.  And people like to have a team they can call their own.  Cowboys.  Yankees.  That sort of thing.  Someone probably said "I hate the Yankees", or "Cowboys suck", and that proves my point. You make my case.

And he did not fire the speechwriter responsible.  She'll have to use more caution next time she tries to throw them under the bus.  I figure he is keeping her close.  Or her story is totally fabricated.   According to her Melania read some of Michele's remarks that she liked, helping the writer craft the speech.  If Melania did that then she knew that part was a copycat thing.  So she has to take blame, if we are to be absolutely honest.

I think it was a set up and the speech writer has a bulging offshore account somewhere.   Or an odd publicity stunt.

Coverage by cnn msnbc and pbs was laughable.  No pretense whatsoever of neutrality.  I love it how the one channel had a couple of fake republicans there.  I was not fooled.

I haven't heard the word "gravitas" lately.  Maybe if I watched more.  In my world I hear little to no talk about sustainability and such.  "Sustainability" is code for "we are going to trash some companies  while promoting others, like the ones owned by our friends, and the taxpayers will foot the bill!"

That's how code works; one word can translate into a paragraph.

I heard Hillary was going to tag some guy whose name I forget, for VP.  Probably too much competition and cat-fight potential if she tagged Elizabeth Warren.  aka Crazy Horse.

Actually I feared that ticket because I was sure it would win and I think Clinton is dangerous as can be.  Moreso than Trump, and he worries me re Constitution.  But he at least says he's a Constitution guy.  

I just don't get why.  I don't know why HIll is running either.  Maybe to avoid prosecution.  Really it is insane,   Only deranged people run for president any more.

As Many Truths as Lies

A lot anyway.  When people say they dread a police stop or even eye contact, I believe it.  For whatever reason, I feel that way.  And I am magically cloaked in white privilege.  It glistens like glitter.  I'm a thousand watt privilege person.

So I am supposed to have no apprehension of police because I am white.  And I am supposed to pretend that I am no more likely to be shot by a black or hispanic in the heavily segregated neighborhood than I am a white or Asian.  But then there are factors behind the factors, etc.

What you do is decide upon your conclusion.  Like, I want it to be true that despite affirmative action and racial preferences given to those who are not me, I am given special treatment for being white.

Because then I can feel guilty.  We have some very well meaning people out there just running on and on babbling utter nonsense.  But there are bits of truth.  Cops bully.  And I remember when it was real easy for bigoted cops to annoy innocent black people.  But those same places are often now policed by departments in which minorities are more than represented proportionately.  They don't want to work the 'hood either.

What has been created in just a few generations is not good.  Civil war stuff.  And I am not sure who is what.  You have those who are going to be violent with no real stated goal, and the rest of the population.  People defending against thieves and bullies.  That is what it is becoming.

For whatever reasons, I was stopped more times than I can count in Miami.  One time at night at a gas station, the creep shined his light so I could never see his face.  He held our id for 45 minutes with his spot light shining behind me so I couldn't see him or what was what.  That was before easy access social media.  Never did say why I was detained, if I was being detained.  No clue.  No apology no nothing upon returning my license and going away.  But plenty of threats when the least thing was questioned when he first began his episode of harassment.

I am not typical of whites in this regard.  But I sure have no guilt or illusions of privilege in Miami.

So, some of the annoyance and overstep of our laws and subsequent enforcement, not to mention entrapping type sting operations, are abusive.  And it is the norm for blacks to feel that way---can't trust cops and they never mean you good will.

But if you want truth, go all the way.  How much more likely is it that blacks commit murder than other groups?  How much more likely are minority cops to use deadly force than white cops?  I state it that way because statistics show whites as less trigger happy than other groups.   They need to get the truth.  All things play together, but don't pretend.

The take a truth and then stop traffic and lie to further some crazy plan.  And I am stunned at the white guilt pouring out on the internet.  People seem a little unwilling to recognize the stats that make their case flimsy.  If they really want to find a good answer, they need to accept what is true without prejudice one way or the other.  You can't make a fake problem to cover a real one and expect resolution. But that is what happens.

Forceful Demonstrations are not Peaceful

Blocking traffic is not a peaceful act.  It is an exercise of force.  It is wrong.  This is why they made steamrollers..

Any idiot who tries to pretend that such mob behavior is peaceful is afraid to observe reality and step away from the Great Pretense for a minute.  Use force, then do your best to escalate any response into a bloody battle.

Are people just hypnotized?  Are they idiots?  They will tell you they are "fighting for justice" by standing in the road impeding traffic, possibly preventing someone from getting medical help, inconveniencing others.  Some may be needing to be somewhere on time, like the airport.  Some may have bladder issues.

It makes no difference what people are doing, you have no right to interfere with their daily lives because you are all hyped up over total lies.  And I don't care what has you agitated, you do not get extra rights over others as payment for your victimhood.  That is nonsense.  But that is what we do; we reward victimhood.

It is the grown up version of the booboo patrol---those adults who seem afraid to give positive guidance or reinforcement to children, but they always treat the kid great and make a huge deal out of any little booboo.  "Oh, you poor thing!!!  Come here.  Did that mean ground skin your knee?"  Victim in training.

No justification for screwing up the daily routine of others.  By what right do they think their activities of mob action carry more worth than whatever the strangers on the highway are up to?

Check yo privilege and you'll find you ain't got no stopping traffic on a highway bridge privilege.  Stupid, or just psycho?

Greedy for Anger

I want to get this thought done quickly before I head off to a birthday music jam/ open mic kind of party.  Some very good players will be there.

Anyway, as a result of some comments on facebook, of course, I have come to the realization that some people seek out excuses to justify anger and, in a way, bigotry.  And the case in mind is actually a koolaid guzzling angry leftwing guy.  But this applies both ways. 

It becomes not so much a matter of true principle as a matter of emotional fulfillment.  Some kind of fix for whatever is released in your brain when you can convince yourself the enemy is there, and needs stopping.  Needs ridicule and hate in any case.

People tend to crave justifiable anger.  Rarely is sport anger a very constructive pursuit.  But you look around, you see it in the illogical, regardless of alleged political beliefs.  The thuggish thought patterns are the same.  It is bizarre.  

You've heard people wind themselves up given just the slightest trigger.   Both sides.   And it is pretty much based on fiction; all the emotional stories.  The events are real but just about nothing else being discussed is based on truth. 

I have to go.  Depression and anger, as well as other emotions cause various bio chemical reactions in the brain and body. People can get addicted to one or another of those triggers.  

Beyond Orwellian Lies

I have not read all about it.  Some about it is more like it.

There is not anything I ought to say.  We can watch as stories change and theories that could only have been conceived under the influence of LSD multiply like mentally challenged rabbits.

I worked all day.  I left one tv on to one of my least favorite propaganda outfits--maybe msnbc.  I was rarely in that room but every time I was they were rehashing and live covering and interviewing and trying to force conclusions that are anything except what most people would conclude, given the pieces leading up to this point.

All day long various people talked to on-the-scene correspondents; all attempting to further themselves in some way.

This is real death and they are trying that self serving garbage.  "They" are the people who should shut up, but won't.

It Could Have Changed History

If this had been the leading promotional image for Ron Paul in 2008, perhaps history would have taken a different turn, and for presidential candidates we would not be confronted with a possibly homicidal maniac, and a man who continually shoots himself in the foot, apparently just to prove he can do so and still keep walking.  It is frustrating.