Something Must Be up--I don't feel like writing--but I did

It used to be that I could think of almost any word, or idea, and write a page on it, often zooming off on five or six seemingly unrelated tangents in the process. Lately, I think of things I want to write, writing what I think still being a compulsion, but then when I am home and fire up the computer, I lose the willingness. Often, I just shut it off again before I even look to see if I have any email.

The reason is not all that clear and any theories I have on the subject are too personal to discuss. Or stupid. In the old days of the HarpO blog I did not get many comments but I knew a number of people dropped by to read. Even a nasty stalker. I pushed it a little because I'd write things that I knew would anger a few people who kept up but pretended they didn't. Band members and offshoots.

That brings me to the latest California fun on the news. The state is broke. Taxes are high and it takes a lot to keep up with the general cost of things. State workers here think they should not cut back hours or benefits at all while their employer goes broke, unlike any private company that has to cut costs or go under. It is baffling how they go on the news with no suggestions other than that it would be OK for everyone else to be taxed more. Unions of tax paid workers make no sense to me. And they have the nerve to call it "public service".

But, this is such a beautiful and varied state that people just shrug and go on with it. I kind of like that, as long as I can pay the rent, and as long as I can still live in this awesome cottage. With a view. And coyotes having parties down the hill out back. Not very far down there, but it is so dark I can never see them.

Last night they were yipping and howling like crazy. It sounded like ten of them all together having a macabre festival. I shined a flashlight out there and saw nothing until the light caught the eyes of one. That was all you could see, two yellow luminescent dots. At least they shut up until I went inside.

This year I have to make more progress toward gaining some control of things. That means money and endeavors which spark a little passion. Other than the spring loaded zipper idea, I have a couple of plans but not along the invention lines. They will best be implemented if I don't go around not knowing my fly is open, so I guess it all ties in and works together.

The stark fact of my life is that some of the most basic things have taken me half a century to begin to grasp. Things that most people pick up by age 30 or younger. Of course, in other ways I've been ahead of my time, so I'm not a total idiot. Apparently it is not genetic because others in my family don't share my empty spots. They lack where I don't but have a hell of a lot more to show for it.

Not having anything to show for time is a tough one for me. I guess that is why I can enjoy fixing teak or doing other things which have an obvious end. It was one of the things about different jobs I've had which frustrated me; the work was a repeating process, but you had nothing tangible to look at. It never felt like anything was being built. I'm wanting something project oriented, unless I happen to get paid well to play music. But in that case, you can record it and have that as something to show.

I think if a guy hasn't got kids, a wife, and a family built, he missed the boat along the way. In my case, I know how, when and maybe why. For a long time I thought I drank myself out of it. Now I think I probably wasn't equipped for it; judging by the things I am just now learning. That's the glitch.

OK. 2010 and no looking back. Screw any bad judgement ever made, person hurt or sincere heartbreak experienced. All there is is from now on, depending on how you define "is".