OMG, not Weak--CHUBBY!

I can see, and touch, my toes. That much is good.

However, I've seen a couple of recent videos and snapshots and one thing stands out more than anything else. That one thing is my belly. I look pregnant on film. If Michele Obama sees this, and they get wind of how I think, I'm certain the fat police will throw me in some sort of compound for the obese, and Bolshevik averse. A deadly combo in today's climate of political oppression.

I knew something was up when my fatso jeans didn't fall off. That's the pair I had to get because nothing would fit when I was even fatter than now. They are only 1 inch different in waist size, but dang, I thought I was a lean, mean loving machine.

Truth is, I'm a rotund whatchamacallit. That is unacceptable. I refuse to be rotund, and I refuse to be a whatchamacallit.

Why so vain, you ask. Because I'm single and even though women like ugly guys best, they don't generally like out of shape fatso guys unless the guys are rich and/or powerful, or it makes them feel better for letting themselves go. Besides, I always thought I wasn't fat. And by most standards, maybe I am not, but I assure you, It looks like I have a soccer ball under my shirt in these pictures. Can't be a fluke every time.

Skinny and ugly works best. Examples like Lyle Lovett, Steven Tyler, and Howard Stern lend credence to this theory, as well as lesser known cases observed over the years.

So, I will stop piling all the snacks and meal items on one plate so I only have to make one trip to the kitchen. From now on I will make a separate trip for each item. That will provide about four or five times the exercise of the old way. I'll be back to my old not pregnant looking self in no time.