Cremated

If they do kill me, I want to be cremated, and tossed out in the Caribbean.   If that can't be arranged, then scatter me over the best looking, and nicest unmarried women I know.  You'll have to make that up as you go.

Ace in the Hole

All of the preceding is true, and I am displeased with this stuff, but I can't forget one important fact;  I'm the miracle boy.

Matters not if you are atheist or whatever, there is more to life than meets the eye.  I'd think just a cursory brush with quantum physics would demonstrate that.  And I have been far more fortunate than many when it comes to some out of nowhere rescue when I am hanging by my nails over a cliff.

I won't elaborate, but I know.  It doesn't mean that this time biology and Newtonian physics won't finally send me packing, but I would be ungrateful for past favors if I discount the possibility that this can get better.  I say "favors" because that is how it felt when I thought I was doomed and boom, I escaped.

I'm one who believes in multidimensional states of being, which could imply parallel universes and all that. I don't go that far, but I do believe there could be a lot going on we just don't see.  We know some aspects of matter and being, but not enough to even make sense of existence.

Like, just now, an item I searched for time and time again over the last two days suddenly appeared out of nowhere in plain view.  I choose to believe it slid into another dimension and finally slid back.

So, I have to believe improvement is possible.  Matters not if anyone thinks otherwise.  Always gets me when self styled science types pretend to know what is absolutely impossible.  That is rote science.  For parrots.  It is not how the real scientists create so many great things.

Alright. Maybe there is hope.  I cannot ever let myself get too mopey, regardless of all.  Not again,.  Mopey and depressed are not my friends.  So, adios you crazy things.

Not Working Out

Remind me never to fall apart in a way that compels me to seek medical help, ever again!!  Whatever they broke inside when they shoved a camera down my throat is not getting better like I hoped that it would.

The worst part is when you feel like you are arguing with a goddam doctor who is either afraid to be wrong, afraid to be caught without an answer, or afraid to be sued.  I find it hard to believe they can be that flat out stupid.  But you never know.

This day I could not go anywhere.  If I moved that thing would get weird, making it hard to even swallow water.  I think some crazy stomach activity puts a little back pressure on the system, and that upper hiatal hernia pushes through enough that the nerves hit aren't sure if things are going down or back up.  So muscles react spasmodically and it traps that pushed through part.  The result feels like a brain freeze but somewhere just below the throat.  But it doesn't easily vanish.

Pretty sure they biopsied something there and that little nip was all it needed to make it worse.  It is bleeding from somewhere.  That comes and goes, but I think it is worse during these episodes.  Episodes lasting 12 or 18 hours are not good.  I just do not want to call the guy up again, defend myself as if I am inventing the issue, listen to him try to push me off on an ear, nose, throat specialist, and deal with the bureaucracy of the medical office.

Oh, and I have to deal with the fast talking valley speak girls.  They will ask a question as if the entire sentence were one word.  There may be some intonation cluing me that it is a question.  Not always.  Ask what it was she just said and she'll say exactly the same way, unintelligibly.  I have to tell the lass I cannot understand even one word and maybe saying it another way would help.

So, I have no faith they'll fix this. Besides this whole other thing, for which I take a poison pill, is enough trouble.  Really.  At this rate I'll be dead by fall.  And in this condition I can't do anything that requires much.

It better go away.  I have to play twice this weekend.  The wounded warrior guy wants me to practice friday.  I have to see that stuff gets done at work.

I am screwed.  Maybe it will get better and I'll have some more of those days, characterized by lack of debilitating symptoms.  Those are days when I think I am fine and maybe I can just cancel further medical experiences in the near future.   Maybe I will do just that.  I have grown to hate the direction that all authority, corporate culture, and government tainted enterprises have taken. It is mass insanity.

At any rate I get so fed up I just want to be away from it.  These people were checking for internal bleeding, caused a bigger problem as they pulled the rig out, and then say "Oh, we didn't see anything that would cause the problem".  What?  Of course not. You did it on the way out.

Who can blame them?  I would not be able to work as a doctor under the system as it has evolved.  It is nuts and has been getting nuttier for many years.  Insurance companies changed.  They brought us lots of weirdness like HMOs.  Many of which are unbelievably incompetent and not helpful. And they brought us this latest debacle that people think is an effort to provide everyone with access to healing technology and treatment.

Such fools to believe that the motive for such government/insurance (or any business) partnerships has anything to do with helping people, looking out for the little guy--whoever that is--and all the other talk that implies institutions are God.

Dangle something "free" out there, throw in a little class hatred, and people will sucker for anything.

If I die before this place gets cleaned up and I get most things out of here and out of the landlord's way, let them know I am sorry about it.  I am sorry to have made myself sick.  No one said I did.  I just feel like it is my fault, and I am no good, etc.  Pretty sure I'd tell another guy in my shoes that he's an idiot and not powerful enough to make his own gene mutate, etc.

I told them from the start where things center.  They keep thinking it is a case of concurrent but not directly related conditions.  I think they are wrong.  And this is becoming more than a person living alone can really take.  I don't know what to do next.
This will probably fade some more and I'll feel better.  I hope so.  I am more than angry at the hematologist who says, "that's for the internal guy, I deal with your blood issues", and the internal guy who says, "It was only a small hernia and I didn't see anything that would cause that. Maybe it is for the ear nose throat guy."  Come on!!  These are guys with big reputations.  I guess they just sweep the troubling cases under the rug, they die, and no one is any the wiser.

I somewhat pity the next doctor I visit and the next valley girl talking staff person who crosses my path.  I'll look like a total ass and lunatic, but it will be highly uncomfortable for them, too, being stuck there while I go into a hopeless rage.  Next blood test is maybe on the 21st, and the hemo guy on the 23rd. Can't cancel that. It is the only thread I have.  And that bone marrow problem deserves the tests to know what is left of any use flowing through my veins.  Ice water, for sure.  Also to see what influence the poison pill has.

But those symptoms are only the constant fatigue, some confusion, occasional skin itch attacks and like that.  The esophageal thing is what totally incapacitates me.  And no way I can let them stick any more probes down there to look. Not unless they are surgically correcting it.  This sucks.  I think I am not going to weather all this like I had hoped.

Too much going on that they ignored because it was inconvenient or didn't have a good specific typical label for insurance. Or government or whoever is being robbed to pay for most of this madness.

I can't do this anymore. But I will try.  Maybe in awhile I will feel better.  Otherwise it is nearly impossible to do anything that involves getting up and moving.

[EXPLETIVE OF YOUR CHOICE HERE]!!!!!!! over and over again, screamed loudly
.

Just so I Have It Down

How long since the last attack of the phantom esophagus monster?  No way to sleep but I think I have it all figured out, but not totally on how to avoid the flare up.
That is neither here nor there.
This is highly unacceptable.  It makes it tough to even think.  All remedies being employed, but too little, too late to prevent troubles.  So now it is still a ride it out sort of deal.
It has been a couple of days since this happened. At least. So peace is possible. We have none of that at this moment.
If I happen to doze off, it goes away until it wakes me up,.