Break on Through to the Other Side

It felt like fourth and ten, and I had to go for it. Do or die.

That sounds very lame, dramatic, and a little cliche. Sorry. I'm a fan of going for it on fourth down. I like it when that happens. This is why I don't gamble in the context of betting or in casinos. I tend to jump without a parachute, so to speak. From high places.

This all has little to do with the barrier I'm talking about, even if it was beginning to seem like it. My barrier was that I was stuck on page 99 of my story, and I was thinking it sucks and that it was going to end up boring, slow, and ill conceived. Truthfully, I was thinking that is what you would think, and what anyone who has seen most of what I have up until now thinks.

Then I decided I get nowhere when I concern myself with what you think. No offense. It is just that I know myself well enough to know I care about what you think of any creative endeavor of mine, and it can make or break me if I am not real careful. Past experience tells me to just follow my instincts, and not let it bother me until the project is done. And even then to trust my own judgement.

There have been plenty of examples of this syndrome in my life, and almost without fail, if I yielded to doubts of friends or imagined negative response, it turned out I was wrong to give up on whatever it was. Imagining the rejection and disapproval before a thing is done, excluding the opportunity to fail fair and square, is stupid. OK, call me stupid.

A commitment to finish this thing was made early on. I'm not good at commitment or resolution. I have a friend back in NC who is solid like that. When JT resolves to do something, it is done. Doesn't matter how much hardship is involved. Matters out of his control may baffle him, but if he said he'd move the Empire state building to LA, brick by brick, by hand, using only a hammer, a trowel, and a wheelbarrow, he'd do it or die in the process. I hope he'll never see the need to do that.

Anyway, I was stuck at page 99. Finally I started making notes on a notepad trying to resolve a situation in the story. I forgot all about what anyone else may think. It has been a long time since I've written much with pen and paper, in my own script.

It still has to be typed now, and added to the ever growing file, and some things expanded from outline form, but I am way past page 100, and it feels like it is gaining some momentum. Blind faith. That's the foundation. I plow on because I have faith it will work out. Maybe not exactly how I think it will, but close enough, and possibly better. Possibly worse. The big deal here is to finish what I started.

The 100 page mark is a big deal. In my mind it is the crucial barrier to break. After that you're riding with the wind. Once it is finished, then I will edit the entire thing. And then I'll see what others have to say. Maybe during the editing process I'll allow limited, selective input--which I'll probably fight, ignore, and eventually heed. Then, we'll see.

The real story is baking in the back of my mind and I want to write it when this one is done. It's likely to have a lot more violence in it, but not because the topic is violent.

In short, the 100 page barrier has been shattered.