Maybe A Minute or Two of Good Cheer

Is living in pain really worth it?  I wonder.  It is appalling to me that officialdom has decided what relief is OK, and when people can have it.  And how much.  Imagine telling grown people, no you will just have to endure it.  I do not get that at all.  Better to be crippled with unrelenting pain than to be dependent upon substances which relieve the pain.  Really?

What are they going to do--protest?  They can hardly leave the house and are in no mood to organize or even talk to people when pain is bad enough.  But it works OK for most people and the greater good, blablabla.  The majority is fine. That is all that counts.  People are really screwed up when it comes to regulating life, and all else.

I think I may have cheered up for a couple of days.  I won't go back through whatever I wrote because that would likely bring on nausea and make it all worse.  I am not cheerful now.  I am more or less miserable, while maintaining full awareness that it could be exponentially worse.  It being my life.   Still, I can hardly do it any more.

Dec. 27 flight to Austin.  Jan 1 return.  How can I do it?  I would cancel if no money were involved. Nothing against others.  I just don't like gazing into any fragment of the mirror, and family is a fragment of the mirror.  I cannot accept who I am, how I got here, and what I am not.  Simply cannot accept it.  But apparently can't change it either.  And I am tired of this horrid isolation, even though I am often playing music here and there.

I do not even like music much.  And I am usually in pain of some kind.  So sick of that.  It is scary.  I wasted the most incredible thing anyone can experience, life.  Existence.

I won't write the two biggest mistakes that put me here.  No one really knows I guess, and few would care.  The problem is what to do and how at this point.  I'm still leaning toward the parasail.  No idea how to change everything all over again.

But I did have a glimmer of cheer for a few days.  That is something.

If one can truly believe in religion and the super natural, he has it made.  Any belief I may have must be weak because I feel no conviction.  If only I could have developed unshakeable faith before I dabbled in the dark arts of cynicism.

I see the value now.   Good place to find chicks but if you are uncomfortable around the overly religious, especially if they like to talk about it then religion is not the best place for you to find stability and refuge.

In life, those brewing and serving the koolaid are remembered, and those drinking it are just part of the body count.  Not remembered   But blind faith is bliss, and no one would know Jim Jones without the anonymous people who drank the koolaid and made it all possible.   They made him famous, so their faith and obedience were not for nothing. .