on second thought

The national anthem should be left to pros. I didn't really botch it, not like Rozanne Barr, but it was kind of lame. One thing I noticed in reviewing the FLIP recordings is that Presbyterians like to keep the sound very flat and thin. In the monitors it sounded as if they gave a hint of the delay I requested but, in reality, there was none to speak of, and the vocals had no reverb at all. Since the place is acoustically dead, the presence was just not there. May as well use megaphones if the P.A. has no body to it.

Our own (Kevin's) PA system gives far better sound, at least how we have it set up. Besides not generally having faith in strangers on sound boards, I double don't trust churches. Sorry, I just don't, even when they are nice. The average sound guy at most venues is not very flexible when it comes to adapting to what works for any group different from whatever he is used to. Or she. I forget that they now teach you to say he/she instead of using a universal pronoun from the old days. So sexist and abusive toward women. Right. Need to come up with some word. I'd be fine with using "it". How have words like person and human survived? perSON, huMAN,. Awful. I haven't encountered a sound lady yet. Maybe that's the trouble. Although I doubt it matters what the individual is packing in its pants.

Today I was freaking out over the degree of underachievement I've accomplished in my life. When it comes to underachieving I am an overachiever. Perhaps the experts who felt the tools were all in place were wrong, and the best I could ever do is nothing. I think many family and friends would say "Oh, he's a bit 'different', but really something--- if you can get past 'that'". Some actually have said that. Obviously, I greatly resent that. However, it does not change the ledger of life a bit. I'm turning in an empty sheet year after year, and I am becoming bothered by it.

One thing for sure, you can be a complete twit, and creep, and pretty much an idiot and make money, achieve security, power, maybe even a trophy spouse/concubine or two. That much I have seen with my own eyes. So, there must be something more to achieving than brains, personality or general wit. If you don't need brains or personality or wit, I can qualify, yet the other ingredients elude me, I suspect because I lack those things. Maybe it is the willingness to succeed. Maybe I am too lazy, and unwilling to face the responsibility that comes with it. Or maybe I am incapable of better due to internal wiring and genetic disposition.

Some are born to sweet delight
some are born to endless night*

I hope it isn't just a case of the latter and there is no way out.

I should be happy. Few people would have survived this long living my life. It was only very odd coincidences and unexplained events that kept me from being killed more than once---way more than once. I still wonder at a couple of those escapes from certain destruction. And I made it west to a completely new life, more friends, and very true splendid friends at that. It is myself that leaves me disappointed, not my friends. That is one thing I don't feel---that friends will let you down. They usually exceed expectations. Only when people maliciously deceive is it a big issue, and they aren't friends. I've not had that for a long time now.

I'll bet some endeavor which would qualify as worthy achievement is possible, even for me. What, I am not sure. If sleep counted, I could be a smashing success if I put my mind to it.

*wm blake; auguries of innocence