It Is All A Mystery to Me

Yes. It is.   I hid a well written post that I had up for a day.  It was too controversial in many ways relating to my relatives.  It was more like a therapy session with the reader being the shrink.  But I don't trust the reader to honor the patient doctor confidence.  Readers will blab it all over and get the facts wrong and then you have a big mess.  Kudos to them for being able to read, though, and for reading something I wrote.

Largely an imaginary world--the world in which I have numerous, nameless, unknown readers.  It is a good world and one toward which we should all direct our efforts.  As it is, there are a few super geniuses who do read this blog.  I have a very small readership but the most brilliant readership of anyone.  Geniuses all.  Ahead of their time.

So, I am stumbling along trying to keep my socialist insurance.  I almost had to lie to do it.  If you don't earn enough, you cannot even opt for the plan which has very low copays.  You have to opt for the completely free (allegedly, but not in reality) plan which offers few, if any, choices.

As near as I can tell, it is fine if you break your arm cleanly or something of that nature.  If you have rare blood disease or cancer of some kind, things like that, the system appears top be designed to ensure your rapid demise.  Seriously, you need to be energetic, have an abundance of time and patience, and have no time sensitive physical issue like ten times more platelets in your blood than is advisable.  By the time you get through all the hoops and hooplah, if you are healthy enough to do so,  you will probably already have had strokes and such, and may be a vegetable or dead.

Do not fall for the lies.  No politician cares at all if you have access to medical help.   It is a money maker and an easy way to buy votes.  The free stuff is not so free.  You will pay.  One way or another.

Even with some choices, I am shocked at the insanity that has crept into the medical world.  It is as nuts as all other governmental nonsense.  Insurance companies are apparently the devil.  At least some of them.  They write the laws that they pretend regulates their industry.  It is nuts.  The whole game.  I still think it is bizarre that you have to have permission to take medicines and drugs which you may feel you need.  Doctors are not God.  Many tend to prescribe what won't get them in trouble and which pharmaceutical companies push.

They seem to enjoy leaving people in pain if they come under any pressure.  I think it contributed to the death of my friend and coworker, Lynn.  Pretending to be worried about people getting hooked, or "abusing" pain killers, the state subsidized health outfit cut way back on what chronic pain sufferers could get.  In CA they can also get marijuana, but that only helps so much.  It does help many people.  So many strains and sativa this, indica that, etc.  that many conditions can be addressed without hugely stoning out the patient.

Lynn was in a lot of pain for various reasons.  And she was generally doing OK.  Then came the crunch and it was affecting her a lot.  Some withdrawal, and some was just how her maladies affected her when she could not avail herself of modern concoctions that allow people to function who otherwise couldn't due to friggin pain.  She was hurting but really trying to be OK.  I knew she was fatigued and not feeling well the night before her heart attack.  I cannot prove the medical world and the whims of socialized medicine in CA are to blame.  I do believe they played a role though.  In any case, I think they were saving money.

And people should realize that they are fine with you dying rather than costing money.  They only pretend to really want to give you free stuff so you will vote for the free stuff candidates.  In reality, you vote, you sign up for mandatory insurance and if you are highly subsidized based on income, you die.  That is how they set it up.  I swear.  They may not kill you outright, but they are not going to go out of their way to prevent your death if that involves much money or hassle.

Here I am, the guy who never wanted to be on any socialist government program.  Any government program at all, for that matter.  And I am finding ways, up to this point, to avail myself of subsidized insurance.  Just a little bit beyond free so I can have choices.  Not on the HMO model.  I have yet to find a primary care physician, ever since Dr. K sold his veterinarian practice.  He would not have been on my insurance anyway.  Still vets make good GPs if you want a reliable family doctor.

I'm having to claim I made a bit more than I may have made playing music.  It may be right, but probably not.  I didn't make that much at the resort.  Not a lot of hours really.  All I can handle right now.  Still, while I am working, I am generally not thinking about all that depresses me beyond belief.  Or, like today, I spend hours trying to cope with bouts of pruritus, not giving in right away, trying to prevent the acute attack.

 Eventually, if it doesn't get too over the top, it will subside somewhat.  I still had to do the scalding shower before I left.  That is not a normal way to live, I don't think.

Played with Valor and Lace at Lakeside VFW for awhile.  6:30 to 8:00.  More of a rehearsal than anything,

The whole game is to quit convincing myself I am worthless and that I criminally wasted my life and shouldn't even be alive because there is nothing to live for, etc.  Sounds very stupid and foolish right now.  But mostly I have to quit promoting that train of thought.  Hard to shut off.  The thing that saves it is trying to bring something worthwhile to people who play music with me.

And in dreading my trip to Austin to see family, if I can hope to bring something to that table that benefits them in some way, maybe it will get my mind off of how outside and less-than I feel.  I am probably angry, too.  Because I know my brother considers people like me--troubled youth, no kids, no permanent career--to be non-productive wastes.   He has said so, just not directly referring to me.  Anyway, I am not in my best, strongest frame of mind and body.  But I am hanging in pretty good in most ways.

OK.  I can do this.  Austin.  Besides, there are people on the edge of town who want me to play on New Year's eve.  This should be interesting.

This Friday--winter wonder jam festival at Cuyamaca College. With Enter the Blue Sky-Sande.  It is not a jam. It is a show. A minor production.  A line up of original groups or artists, with us being the hotshots, or so it seems to me.  Everyone had to audition to get a slot.  We have a good selection of songs.  On;y playing thirty minutes or so, but if it goes as planned we will get them moving, make them cry, then spontaneously combust with our last one.  I get to freak out in B minor.

Saturday afternoon,  Julian station with Valor and Lace, then that evening Pine House Cafe in Mt Laguna with Valor and Lace.  Out in the beautiful mountain country of east county.  That is where I go when I want to get some 6000 ft altitude.  Valor and Lace doesn't require me to let loose that much so O2 won't be an issue.  My mood is helped by altitude. Since I can remember I liked higher altitudes.

This is incredibly long I bet.