Kick Starting; again

It may be some organic syndrome--medical weirdos who studied me because I am weird chalked much up to "organic syndrome"--or it may be how I've been conditioned forever from without and within. Often external conditioning becomes internal and the organism produces its own shock treatment when considering choices that yielded pain from external sources in the past. That is where one can get pretty crazy and self defeating.

I fall into that latter category, and have discovered that knowing the score is not enough to affect the proper course. It is a start.

So, knowing I have to change some things, mostly because I am not satisfied and I want project and passionate challenge in my life, I started thinking...

That resulted in considering what I would do if I won a great deal of money; enough to take the limits financial embarrassment brings out of the equation. Soon I realized that most of these things could be done right now.

It would be tragic to be wealthy and isolate, avoid exploring various possibilities, let one's self become out of shape and unhealthy, etc. --all the things I'm doing. All of those things can be changed without a huge bank account or trust fund. I may not be able to build a machine shop for creating whatever right now, but I do have some tools and materials and a place to work and create. Make do with what you have.

I don't need a car so I don't dream of money falling in my lap so I can buy some exotic auto. Mine does the job very well. I have a good amp, and only need a delay pedal, and can get by without if need be. Besides, I am not making use of that.

Things I'd like to market I have yet to pitch. Things I want to write I have yet to finish. Money is not the key to that. The more I hear of the 99% the more I want to be the .1%. The 1% is not a lofty enough goal. I'm not interested in being the 1%, or more accurately the .1% or .01% who wield power and control over others--the .1% who are free, happy and purposeful. And financially secure.

Maybe that is because I was present for the 60's and early 70's and I discovered that a huge portion of hippies and group protestors were insincere, selfish, duplicitous and just out for sex and party time, and usually in a way that was horribly materialistic while masquerading as the opposite. Not a big fan of any era, but that scene was cruel, and failed miserably. They protested during Vietnam and created the concept of never ending wars, domestic roadblocks, mandatory helmets for everything they can get away with, and a general open season on minding everyone's business and making laws to force others to conform. That is the flower power generation--useful idiots for tyranny.

If they mean the modern day version of that crowd when they claim to be the 99%, count me out.

OK. That was a bit of a tangent there. The point is, resources at hand often hold the key to opportunity, and behavior can be altered by realizing it in a way that becomes internalized. Maybe some kind of special pill would help too, but I've not found any useful, long term, in my quest to get out of my own way.

Odd as it seems, my drastic move out west, and rambling travels have been baby steps toward breaking out of destructive patterns which create a mental prison. Plus I have enjoyed the travels, and learned a lot about sleeping in a tent.