Battlefield: depression?::: amended

So, after asking myself if I am fatigued and uncomfortable because of the MPN bone marrow circumstances, or just because I am infused with blues, I try to find even more answers.

I muster the energy to round up a garbage bag or two of rubbish and trash.   Then I say out loud,  "Oh great job, Dumbass.  World f'''ing class.  How in the hell did we end up here?"  We being the real me, plus the nagging insulting me.

"You got here because you are g'' d''' waste of space.  You are a rotten person.  Useless.  What makes you rotten is that you somehow, compulsively, lead others to believe you are not an idiot and not a terrible person.  But you are.

Or, maybe you are not really evil and rotten.   Maybe you just aren't quite up to some things normal people find a natural part of living.  You are abnormal and cannot help it.   As a result, here you are.  You pitiful loser."

I say all that and more.  I try to give myself a break.  It is becoming tougher and tougher to do.  And this honestly is why I do not own handguns, or even short shotguns.  I do not trust myself.

When you see yourself as the enemy and can't manage to change that, things go poorly.  It also seems like a bit of a personality split which used to land you in a rubber room.  Now, the only alternatives I know are less appropriate.  So, best not to give up.  Never give up.

You do not know how mad I get when I think about how certain others must view me.  I hate them because I love them.  If that makes sense.  I'm the one who is insane and alone, not them.  They are happily nuts and not alone.   Granted, I could not live that life in most cases.  Makes me even madder.

I want to tell them to wipe the damn smile off their faces.  Screw you for being happy.

There was once when I had it figured out how to turn it all around.  Guess what?  Too late.  Just when I was going to share the plan, I found I was already devoid of one to share it with.

The plan could have worked, but, as usual, I gave up and dove deep.

Sometimes the only thing is to find someone else to help or encourage or whatever.  Anything to get out of myself.  But they go on OK, and never look back.  And really, that is right.  I did it to get away from myself and because I like it when others catch a break of some kind.  Misery does not always want company. Another not universally true adage that pretends otherwise.   I want no one to feel this way, not even most jerks.

If you help the bleeding person by the side of the road, just be glad.  It doesn't mean you won't bleed out when it is your turn to be in that fix.   So, I will just get myself out of it.  Except I am not always convinced I can.

I keep thinking this JAK2 positive marrow issue is imaginary.  Then  various symptoms get out of hand.  Why the nausea, who knows. Or cares.  The mad pruritus (sort of like itch but different) is the real bummer.  It leaves you exhausted or tired, either from riding it out, or what you take to numb it down.

Well, I have had it.  I am too mad to give up.  And someday I will not be talking to myself.

This is what I hate about statists, they think everyone has the energy, money, and inclination to read and comply with government mandates, bizarre rules, paperwork of proving it is OK for you to exist.
I am bad at that stuff and I hate those who promote it.  Not good to hate, but at this minute, I do.

Alright, so I am going to get rid of this supposedly incurable nuisance, and I will go down fighting or possibly succeed for awhile.  Time will tell, I suppose.

***edited to add
The missing ingredient is faith.  I know that.   I don't have it in the way I once did, for awhile.  It needn't even be spiritual.  A person has to have something to drive them and give them purpose.  I've lost that.

That is the real enemy.  Faith that I deserve a purpose, and then having some driving force.  It is easier if you just believe religiously.  I do not, at least not like some people claim.  Of course I do not believe a lot of those people.  They use it as a back door to self aggrandizement.

There is more to life than meets the eye.  And more to human connection to things, I guess.  You probably have to have children before you see much spirit.  They are your ticket to at least semi-immortality.

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Larry Elder Destroys The Concept of White Privilege

I am so privileged and I feel awful about it.



Don't get me wrong, I think the state and the culture of law enforcement are abusive and backward.  But I think the propaganda used to control voting blocs is destructive and criminal.

Where I Part Ways With Many

Ever seen movie reenactments of the French revolution?  The guillotine glut, and class warfare run amok?

The bits I've seen are examples of the cruelty which ensues when mobs decide they are victims and everyone else is the problem.   Lately our own country seems to embrace the same mentality.  Mostly from the progressive left, as they are the official purveyors and avengers of victimhood.

Once you define yourself as victim, then all limits are off on how you deal with the supposed enemy.  So, it is OK to stop traffic, cause violence, damage property, lie and whatever else you like to do that would normally be unacceptable.

That is the tactic used to gain votes,  power, and the cooperation of the "little guy".  I guess now that would be "the little being".  You may think, "no, the little person", but person contains the word son, and that is obviously sexist.  You pig!!

I do admit, my disdain for the language and tactics of progressive democrats, or pretty much any official democratic endeavor, is because it is so reminiscent of the abusive morons who ran the show in Dade county public schools.  One out of ten teachers and admins were worth a damn.  Nasty idiots.

Anyway.  On another side of the coin is this excitement over wishing Hillary would go to jail.  It is kind of stupid, in my mind.  First off, hardly anyone should go to jail.  The fact that victims are rarely compensated, yet we spend thousands and thousands a year to house people in cages where rape and further criminal indoctrination occur, indicates that we still have a toe in the Dark Ages, (where I believe Islam lives. pbuh)

If you really knew the truth, probably half or more of DC would qualify for the lock up.  That is irrelevant I guess.

The idea of jail for Hillary bothers me.  I thought it was beyond the pale to send Martha Stewart to jail.  She had to have angered someone with political power.  It did no good at all for anyone.  Very very sick.

I may not believe Clintons are honest but until they are proved to be behind murdering enemies, just deny them public office and let it go.  We do not have to be so damn jail happy.  Way too many people jailed as is.  And way too many let go who maybe should be shot or deported to other countries like Syria or Chad.

I do not have to hate and want to cause pain to people I consider bad apples.  It does depend. You rape, you should just die on the spot, but no.  Partly because some people lie about it.  Gets complicated, but not always.

One side wants Hillary in jail, and another wants Trump humiliated and massive riots if he gets elected.  It is nuts.  But people prefer false narratives to truth so they do not really analyze stuff.  I saw a thing going around that has a very rational tone re Hillary's lack of proper handling of classified material.  Reading it critically, you can see where they sidestep the issue, and actually do not refute the basic assertion of mishandling sensitive intel,  but they pretend to.  Most people just buy what their talking point sites say.

The frustrating thing is that both sides tend to go hyperbolic instead of confining to facts without a context twist or veil.

Who need to be pulled out of circulation are those who will incite violence.  And it is not hard to find them.  Some hold high office and many are often darlings of the press in one way or another.

I know how difficult things can be in my state of health.  Because I can function on flexible hours and  avoid activity and people when need be, I do OK.  I cannot imagine dealing with these pruritus attacks in a jail setting, or any kind of confinement.  I would immediately find a way to get shot or killed because it would be a raging hell I would not wish on even Hillary.  Not even on Ted K., Liar of the Senate, when he was still alive.  And lying in Congress.

So, I cannot begin to agree that I would put Hillary in prison.  The woman has enough physical issues.  If she wins, someone else is going to have to do the heavy lifting.  She's got some chronic issues that cannot be fun.  But we already know modern presidents are like news anchors, they just say what they are told.    If you actually think not, then you are in another reality to which I'd love to gain entrance.

Greed takes many forms.  Greed for power can be as petty as enjoying the pain of others who do not share your worldview.   Taking out bad guys is one thing.  Actually enjoying their suffering is another.

Which brings me to the most troubling thing I ever heard Hillary, or Trump for that matter, say;  "We came, we saw, he died.  hahahahaha."   That is really screwed up.  And what we are left with as a result is even worse.  She laughed about a brutal death.  But, like the religion of peace, the democrats are the party of compassion.  Right.

And don't start about republicans.  I have no idea what that is the party of.  I'm talking democrats here. The typical kneejerk koolaid response to unpleasant Hillary facts is, "what about Trump, blablabla..."   Was I discussing Trump?

NO

I live in CA, and here, the democrats are like kudzu, slowly choking the life out of everything in their path.  Republicans mostly just manage to look so lame that they throw the power to the democrats.  I'm pretty sure democrats pay republicans to come up with some of this, so they can continue their subtle programs of totalitarianism and maybe even euthanasia.

Collectivism just doesn't work for some of us.  We couldn't thrive under such a government even if we are thoroughly brain washed and reprogrammed.  I believe it is an organic impossibility for some. Like me.   I try.  Really.  But I am just not able to be that good little comrade.  To dems, the collective is always more important than the individual--depending upon who is the individual.

But I can barely run my own life.  Still, I do have an abundance of resentment for authoritarians and overzealous regulators.
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