Not a Good Idea

There are long stretches of time in which I only speak to those I can't avoid.  Coworkers and such.  I'll catch myself going into too much detail or misreading the comprehension of ideas, etc.  Then I'll feel foolish and shut up.

I look back and realize no one who is not mentally damaged in some way, either just naturally or from some event or something, would have such a disjointed and empty slate.  I am frozen and have been to some degree since age 4.  It just seems to have become stronger as I got older.  I welcome the thaw.  I long for the thaw.  I am scared to death of all of it.  Whatever that means.

I can keep saying it is not over, but it will be any minute so saying that is just another of the lies and tricks I use on myself.  How or why that works, I don't know.  I wish it weren't so hot some places or so full of hateful people or so cold or crowded.    One day I will leave here.  I tend to run from friends and associate with people who see the weakness and think they can have fun shredding me.  Only idiots have such issues, so I blame me more than them.

Decent people don't have to think about friends who kill them, figuratively, and all the other stuff riffraff does.  Some people don't have that thing where they feel like they live underwater in the muck.  

There is no visible reason for any of this.  There was some medical stuff but the symptoms are no longer so intense or debilitating.

Flying to TX for a few days.  Some gig outside Austin, maybe in Georgetown, on Aug. 4.   That will be a good break.  I am scared to even go, but the die is cast.

This, whatever it is, has been going on forever.  Anyone in my world would be sick of witnessing it or hearing about it..   Good thing I have so few people in my world.  But if there are people who will betray trust or see that tender place to pierce with the knife, I will find and welcome them.  And that is no good.