The Eye Nazi

There have been a few peculiarities in my ocular world for a couple of weeks or more. I was pretty sure it was not serious, but it seemed wise to consult professionals rather than guess, considering they had done some internal welding with lasers.

As it turns out, nothing is amiss, and some of the occurrences are normal or caused by external factors of unknown type and character.

Obtaining audience with such a professional was a peculiar journey. First I call and describe, to the best of my ability, what I am experiencing. Like the honey badger, the phone lady don't care. She'll have a tech call me back.

An hour or so later, a tech calls back; the eye nazi from a bad Chinese restaurant.

"You have flashing lights? YES OR NO!?" "So, it just bubble in eye!".

No, not a bubble, like suds look but two dimensional in peripheral vision, sometimes, etc.

"You have bubble? YES OR NO!? "
"What about light flash? YES!? NO?!"

Uh, well, I, uh.... The eye nazi has me on the ropes. I forgot what my problem was. She's getting pissed now and asking questions faster and louder.

I start just telling her what she wants to hear.

Yes. Lights flashing sometimes, and a big bubble come over eye.

"OK, we call Dr asdfkhasdfakh, you doctor out sick."

Maybe I should wait for my doctor.

HE SICK. DON'T KNOW WHEN HE COME BACK. WE CALL DR KJHLGHLHLKJ, AND IF HE WANT YOU IN TODAY CAN YOU GO DOWNTOWN NOW?! YES?! NO!?

OK.

A few hours later the other guy's office calls up. I was expecting some sort of punishment but they tricked me by being nice and seemed to know what I was saying--whatever that was.

As it turned out, the tech I knew and liked had been promoted to lead tech and as such was transfered to the downtown facility, and he's the one I drew by stroke of fate. His first day on new job, and I was his first patient. Definitely an A team sort of guy. That was reassuring, and all went well after that. Dr kshdfgkjhsd turned out to be rather sharp and probably did not get his degree by cheating.

If I go back to the other office in the future and draw the eye nazi, I fear she may poke my eye out if I don't say the right thing.

The sick part is, I started imagining what her love life must be like. "YOU DONE OR WHAT? YES OR NO!!," and many variations on that theme. Now that I think of it, the juxtaposition of this thought with "poke your eye out" kind of takes it to another dimension entirely.

OK. I quit while I can. It's been a swell visit, now I get out.

Questions I ask Myself; part 192012

Having skipped breakfast, I opted to have breakfast for dinner. After a couple of bites into the meal, I humbly asked myself, "What is your secret? I've never had better omelets and such anywhere else on earth, you, sir are a genius!"

"Aw shucks", myself replied, "I guess I'll tell you the secret; Richard's Delicious seasoning, and clever use of sour cream in the omelet goo, as well as spinach."

"Where can I get this Richard's Delicious seasoning?"

Myself, refused to say more than that you can get it in North Carolina, and that a full blooded Carnivore* is the one who introduced him to this unique mix.

This past Christmas I passed out a few bottles of the substance to carnivores around the country. It is hard to be taken seriously in such culinary circles when you are a vegetarian, yet you tell them to cook it into meat, fish and fowl. They are sure I have no hope of enriching their cuisine.

Fortunately a few people tried it more than once with favorable results. Down in the Florida keys my sister in law was feeding several people. OK. My brother helped some. One night they grilled roast beast burgers of some kind out on the gas grill. They tried the seasoning on that. It must have been good because I found out that she used Richard's Delicious seasoning in the cooking of the Christmas turkey which was heartily devoured by all save for myself.

Food things can often be like women's clothing---you can make some choices, if you buy clothes to give women, that in no way work out for the recipient. Seasoning is much cheaper and easier to hide so it doesn't really put people so much on the spot. Like if someone dropped off a lovely squid dinner, I'd immediately regift it or go driving down the hill and throw it off the side of the road somewhere. Fortunately no one would expect me to wear it.

I guess I doled out the Richard's because no one would expect it of me, and because I like it. They should all be on notice that if they don't care for it, I will gladly take the unused portion off their hands with no hard feelings.

It doesn't hurt my bias that I spoke to the people who make this stuff and I like them and the way they do business. I may become a traveling seasoning salesman selling Richard's delicious products. I'd only have to sell thousands and thousands of units to make it pay for the travel.

I should ask myself if this is a viable plan. Anyone who can create such an incredible breakfast for dinner would probably know.


* If I don't give Joel credit by name, he's liable to sue or put out a hit on me, so here it is.