Let's Examine the History of Dimwiticisms in One's Life

Ha!  No way am I going to specifically enumerate and elaborate upon my forays into the dark world of "what an idiot" endeavors.  However, I can say that I often thought things like, "Oh my God!!  I'm 35 and have to start life all over again.  I'm too old to ever...blablabla".

I have been reasoning that way since I was 25.  One way or another.  And I have been stuck in a certain way, under certain conditions (common conditions) for all that time.   So, if I now say, "I am too old" or "I am too sick with rare and exotic ills", I will never get anywhere.

I will yet prove to the world that I am somewhat strong and hard core.  Wait.  That is a lie.  I may yet prove that to myself.  The world is oblivious to such things for the most part.

Certain aspects of life are similar.  Sort of like how the typical human has two arms, eyes, and such.  How well those items serve a person varies a great deal.  Check your buff bod privilege. You know who you are.

The point is:  things are confusing, dismal, neglected, cluttered and confusing again in my life.   Facing it all in an organized fashion is probably what has to be done.  I freeze.  And I have been known to tell myself that it is too late for any sort of stability and domestic bliss.

I have told myself it would be unfair to let anyone in close because I have only pain to offer.  I decided that because of my rare but probably manageable disease.  But I had other versions of the same thing running in years past.  The point is that I copped out.  We are here.  We exist.  We live and life is a very bizarre circumstance.  Really.  I never would have dreamt it up.  Existence itself is really beyond the scope of your highly intellectual forums, like The View, and other authoritative bodies.

So, the point is probably not what people tell you who send others to war, or even the media stuff.  There is that grubby sort of greed.  Lately, people nail it on the "one percent" but I don't buy it.  I have seen what the workplace does to normally moral people of integrity.  They will go against all values in the name of "just doing my job", and for no big salary at that.  Really, what people will do.  The dishonesty, which is a pillar of many institutions and firms, expected of employees is deplorable. Many times the customer service rep is used as a shield while skulduggery is afoot in all the upper levels of management directing policy and behavior of the reps.  They get hung out to dry and rather than face their own truth or yours, they find themselves lying.  Or enforcing policies, as directed,  in ways that make no sense.

That is neither here nor there.  Unfreezing and losing the martyr routine and other nonsense, would make me so much happier, and probably healthier, too.

Playing VFW tomorrow--a Christmas party.  That's about it.  Had great practice over at Sande's.  I just happen to really like her songs.  I think the right arrangement is the ticket.  We should be recording before too long.  Even if the arrangement curbs my participation, I am all for the best move for the tune.  And I like to see good things get their just due.

If I do this even half way right, it will be a miracle and make life vastly better.  What is wrong with someone who has such a hard time doing what is best?  Anyone can claim fatigue, etc.  Exercise is the best hedge against fatigue and mitigator of chronic fatigue.  It can become such a habit that one may react as if he were in the throes of exhaustion when in fact he was in the throes of a behavior rut.

I had some pain free hours and some brief peace of mind. So, it is possible.  And probably within reach.