Austin; not just for weird Texans

Other than a case of insomnia, I can't imagine a better first day in Austin.   Two little two year old girls and one four year old will cure almost anything.   At least when the parents are good and smart and don't raise up junk.

So, this was a good day.  The hard part is for me to refuse to let my inner thoughts focus on what a failure I am, and use the success of my brother and both his sons as proof.  I failed on purpose, it could be argued.  Certainly my actions, decisions, delusions, etc. are responsible for where I am, what I am, and what I am not.

Many influences my have been in play, but that does not change it.  And it is unfair to not enjoy such company and hospitality because you think they aren't as tormented and miserable as yourself.  Really, that is underhanded and selfish.  And, whatever else I may be, I do not have to be that selfish and unkind.

So, putting my own demons away ensures a much more pleasant time.  Let's hope I can do that for the duration here.

This cold snap has been perfect for me---helps stave off any weird attacks of pruritus and the thermal heebie jeebies.  Maybe it is a Christmas miracle and I am being healed.  Sometimes I think so.  It is trying anyway.  I made the trip without extreme discomfort, embarrassment, or forcing the plane to land to get me out.  Huge deal.  I do not think it would have been possible a year or even six months ago.

I am learning. And we have become better at balancing dope and blood and what have ya.

Looks like I'll be playing with Valor and Lace for a new year party at Chris' family's barn north of here on Thursday.  We shall see.

I saw myself walk away from, and destroy my shot at, this level of life a long time ago.  And to this day I do not know why.  Blaming alcohol or any of that doesn't truly fly.  That was only the symptom of something far deeper.  I have destroyed a lot since then, and still no idea why.  Not much left to blame except a defective view of life and the living, and myself.

The craziest thing is that I wonder if this means Bolsheviks are right.  Some of the crew is way deep in the statist, Obama-is-swell camp.  I do not discuss it other than to express my dismay at these lefty lunatics in our midst.  But they are so nice and straight dealing in person.  They would never tell their friends what to do with their resources.  But on the grand scale they have no prob with the state encroaching everywhere.

So, I broke the ice by giving the main Obamabot a golf tee which was carried around by the big O himself, along with other AF1 souvenirs with the presidential seal and signature.  A big hit.  I loved it.

One Day and Outta Here

I am not ready, but I better manage to be ready before noon Sunday, because that is when the flight leaves for Austin (via San Francisco).  I'd explain the pressure and apprehension, but I won't.  T^here is no explanation because all that is self induced and free floating to a large degree.

None of that changes the force of it.  It may be a healthy thing.  So much is needed in the getting organized and right as rain department.  It may not be that hard to fix.  I almost have to.  Here I am falling apart and people are all over it trying to make me feel real and worthwhile.  It is touching and sad at once. But it makes me think I need to get on top of things so I won't be a needy friend.

Tomorrow is work and try to unclutter and prepare for trip, tons of laundry, etc.  I'll stay with Pt Loma friends and leave my car on their street.  It is how you do it there.  That is cool.   Everything feels weird lately, like I am in a foggy bubble.  There but not there.  That is better than melting depression, even though it is probably a manifestation of depression.

It is a trying time.  It will be OK.  It will be OK.  Pay the Man.  Fix the clutter.  Exercise and be of good cheer.  That's the hope of a plan.

Let's Examine the History of Dimwiticisms in One's Life

Ha!  No way am I going to specifically enumerate and elaborate upon my forays into the dark world of "what an idiot" endeavors.  However, I can say that I often thought things like, "Oh my God!!  I'm 35 and have to start life all over again.  I'm too old to ever...blablabla".

I have been reasoning that way since I was 25.  One way or another.  And I have been stuck in a certain way, under certain conditions (common conditions) for all that time.   So, if I now say, "I am too old" or "I am too sick with rare and exotic ills", I will never get anywhere.

I will yet prove to the world that I am somewhat strong and hard core.  Wait.  That is a lie.  I may yet prove that to myself.  The world is oblivious to such things for the most part.

Certain aspects of life are similar.  Sort of like how the typical human has two arms, eyes, and such.  How well those items serve a person varies a great deal.  Check your buff bod privilege. You know who you are.

The point is:  things are confusing, dismal, neglected, cluttered and confusing again in my life.   Facing it all in an organized fashion is probably what has to be done.  I freeze.  And I have been known to tell myself that it is too late for any sort of stability and domestic bliss.

I have told myself it would be unfair to let anyone in close because I have only pain to offer.  I decided that because of my rare but probably manageable disease.  But I had other versions of the same thing running in years past.  The point is that I copped out.  We are here.  We exist.  We live and life is a very bizarre circumstance.  Really.  I never would have dreamt it up.  Existence itself is really beyond the scope of your highly intellectual forums, like The View, and other authoritative bodies.

So, the point is probably not what people tell you who send others to war, or even the media stuff.  There is that grubby sort of greed.  Lately, people nail it on the "one percent" but I don't buy it.  I have seen what the workplace does to normally moral people of integrity.  They will go against all values in the name of "just doing my job", and for no big salary at that.  Really, what people will do.  The dishonesty, which is a pillar of many institutions and firms, expected of employees is deplorable. Many times the customer service rep is used as a shield while skulduggery is afoot in all the upper levels of management directing policy and behavior of the reps.  They get hung out to dry and rather than face their own truth or yours, they find themselves lying.  Or enforcing policies, as directed,  in ways that make no sense.

That is neither here nor there.  Unfreezing and losing the martyr routine and other nonsense, would make me so much happier, and probably healthier, too.

Playing VFW tomorrow--a Christmas party.  That's about it.  Had great practice over at Sande's.  I just happen to really like her songs.  I think the right arrangement is the ticket.  We should be recording before too long.  Even if the arrangement curbs my participation, I am all for the best move for the tune.  And I like to see good things get their just due.

If I do this even half way right, it will be a miracle and make life vastly better.  What is wrong with someone who has such a hard time doing what is best?  Anyone can claim fatigue, etc.  Exercise is the best hedge against fatigue and mitigator of chronic fatigue.  It can become such a habit that one may react as if he were in the throes of exhaustion when in fact he was in the throes of a behavior rut.

I had some pain free hours and some brief peace of mind. So, it is possible.  And probably within reach.

The Bottom Line. At The End of The Day

When all is said and done,  the real trick is to hang on long enough to find the wherewithal to start living like a sane person; to quit being nuts.
That is the whole battle in a nutshell.   A person can be so isolated, and crave company so much, that he ends up losing all skills necessary to obtain those goals,

If you don't think that sucks, then you probably have a good life since it is clear you've never been there.  Do you and yours a favor--never go there.  Bless you and good day.

Odd But Welcome

Tonight was one of those times, characterized by the absence of pain and overwhelming fatigue.  Just feeling alright.  It feels like being healed.   It doesn't often last long but long enough to help me visualize my goal of how I want this to be.

I was thinking; even though I have sounded like the worst deal ever from a mate point of view, the reality is that I am probably a better bet than ever.  Under certain circumstances.  Never mind what they may be.

The sudden reprieve from a certain pain is pretty cool.   I had some energy.  Just dawned on me.  Today was not too bad.  Different.  Let's hope that is a good sign.  The last thing I need is more smothering sad blues.  Depression is used for that but I do not like the word when it has to do with me.  Those people get depressed.  People like me get the blues.

Even though I don't read back, I am glad I have it written down that I felt OK for several hours.
This may happen more often.  I would be OK with that.

Did I Already Cover This?

I don't recall writing about the Mt Helix sing-a-long.  But I may have.  Too lazy to go back and check.

I will let it go for now.  Now that I think of it, the major deal is that I am not at this moment overwhelmed with the blues.  Going to the coffee house was a good move.  I brought my stuff but did not plan on playing.  I was able to just listen to people. Pretty much it is just musicians playing for musicians.  But it is in no way off-putting or an inhospitable environment.  Quite the opposite.

That is why I am glad I went.  Very warm reception, and I left without playing, but I felt much better than I did earlier.  I've kind of been in pain I guess.  On and off. It throws you off.  But I am figuring out the hard truth.  And that is, too much rest is a bad thing. You will feel less pain by pushing past the fatigue and all that. It is just recognizing the hump and pushing past it.

Not unlike when you get up real early every day for a job. You stumble out the door and hope cruise control will guide the car.

More playing ahead.  First, on Sunday there is some annual party for the local music newspaper, the Troubadour.  They hold it different places every year.  Last year was a fantastic place, but I understand that this year it is in a dump.  Not like I never played anything lest than 5 stars.

In practice I try never to go below 1 star.

Then, on Wed., 23rd, I play with Valor and Lace for the VFW Christmas party in Lakeside.  If you have money that VFW is fairly welcoming to anyone.  Within reason.  Anyway that will be interesting.  The sound from Chris and Emily's P.A. board/system overall has been better each time since he got the new board.  It is so crazy that the whole group will be just outside of Austin while I am there from 27th and leave the 1st.  I may be able to play with the group on the 31st.

It would be in a barn set up for the purpose.  And Valor and Lace would play and there would be a bunch of Texans, I guess.   I hope I can make it.  I'd love to meet the family and all that.  E's kids are going with them, which is really cool.  Both from the standpoint of how cool road trips are for children, but how much I would enjoy seeing them in that environment.  They are a real joy.

This Is a Roller Coaster Time of Year and Life

Many times I have wondered out loud at the situations in which I find myself.  Last night I was part of a Christmas sing-along atop Mt. Helix in La Mesa.  La Mesa is really just El Cajon west, in my book.  I don't know where one stops and the other starts.

The view of the city and surrounding area is spectacular.  Kind of an uppity neighborhood, even though the part at the top is a park.  It is a large amphitheater.

The band, with my ex-marine pal Chris, and Emily, and Nam vet Richard, which is called Valor and Lace somehow pulled me into this event.  It was organized by the head of the West Coast Country Music association, James.  I think that is what it is called.  James has his own band and I think they do well playing country covers.

Like Enter the Blue Sky, V and L play a lot of originals.  Not nearly as many, or as much material overall, but Chris and Emily have been adding stuff at an impressive rate.  They have been improving at an impressive rate.

It is my belief that some people have an intangible quality that draws people in and makes them special performers.  I do not think it can be taught.  Chris has that.  And Emily is rather a treat for the eyes as well.  She also has good singing potential.  Even so, and even with Richard's killer dobro, myself on harmonica, Chris is the guy you want up front.  Plus Richard and I are way older.

I tend to need these things to fight what I suppose is out of control depression or maybe the mind muddling that goes with MPNs and the pill I take to combat it.   Whatever it is, it is physically gripping and mentally paralyzing.  We have been down that road a million times.

This Christmas thing was very disorganized.  Other than Chris three other frontmen were involved. Two of them mostly play one man acts.  They are very good, but not so in tune with playing with others and being good back up.  Chris has probably not even a tenth of their experience but he came off as more the professional in my mind.

Richard and I were off to one side with a bass player, just watching as those guys dropped the ball when they weren't the front--kind of tossing one another under the bus, as near as we could tell.

Somehow it managed to work out in the end.  People had song books and sang along, and the rain we feared waited until we were gone.

What turned things around and saved the day was when someone had the idea of inviting all the kids on stage to join in. There were tons of them.  A couple of ladies had a barely walking toddler and one maybe four years old.  I gave the lady with the littlest one my mic and coaxed the kid into making some noise, once he tired of licking the mic.  The other kid wanted no part of it.

It changed my mood.  I was barely fit to be in public when the thing started, but left a temporarily upbeat person by the end.

We had no practice.  Only one meeting in which the front men seemed to vie for dominance.

I have to say, I have become far more impressed with Marines than I ever was.  I am not fond of military things, or never was. But here I am, in the thick of Wounded Warriors and who knows what.  And their kindness to me when it counts is somewhat touching.

They understand I have been playing with Sande's group and have loyalty there.  Sande is a little nervous I think.  That is nice to be sought after, but the fact is we are not doing my songs and I am there to make them sound good, and keep out of trouble.  So, it is hard to just not play with anyone other.

There was some Christmas song that included a solo being thrown my way.  I had it nailed and seeing the look of pride on Chris' and Emily's faces was heartwarming.  Some of the other front guys just let the backing chords almost die out, but I was on it enough that it did not throw me off.  Oh, yea, and some people in the audience gave me applause.  That was cool.  No other leads or solos got that in mid song. See?  I have an ego, too.  But I don't take that stuff too seriously.  I just love affirmation, praise, and love.  I'm inwardly a basket case and I hope to fix that before I die.

To Clarify

There are a number of cultures and groups that I don't really like.   That does not mean that I would go out of my way to persecute or mistreat individuals in those groups, but I would not give them special treatment either.  And if I find certain behaviors and mannerisms trigger mistrust in me, then so be it.  I am well aware that seriously mistaken actions can occur if one is not careful.

That is why governments ought to adhere to the idea that one is innocent until proven guilty.  It is is easy to jump to conclusions which result in unfair condemnation.

That being said, I think there are groups and people who play the government and guilt ridden people of this country in order to serve their own ends.  Ultimately, those guilt ridden people are denied their own culture and customs due to the sway some groups have in making the majority accommodate their prejudices and customs.  I may find that a bit much in many cases.

Quote of Day

From John Irving novel, Avenue of Mysteries; " it was seemingly nitpicking scrutiny of a subject that eluded any concrete description."

Referring to a book which analyzes someone else's take on someone else's work.

It struck me as funny and a perfect description.

Privilege? Un be friggin lievable!!!

Everything now is privilege.  White privilege. Because you are white, you suck.,  You have no bills, are ushered to the front of every line, and people give you unlimited credit without so much as asking if you have a source of income.

And now, on facebook--of course--I see talk of male privilege.  It had to do with some man--possibly fictitious--who was upset, at a college party, that the hostess had placed tampons and pads in a basket in the bathroom, in plain sight.  The guy supposedly complained saying that guys don't want to see that.  So, the person writing about this event calls this "male privilege", and further claims that this is why she still needs to be a feminist.

Feminist by it's very meaning is somewhat exclusive.  And combative.  A masculinist would be a dolt.  What kind of clown would really go for that?   Oh. Maybe the shari'a law people.  OK.  I guess my point is gone. Wasted.  That must be my male privilege.  Or is one the flipside of the other.?  Cut from the same cloth.  I hope not.  I think these things vary, person to person.

I don't know about male privilege.  Maybe I should talk about my special purpose...

So, as long as there are "jerks like this" she will be in her for-and-about-women-only armor.  There is no mention of crazy, rude, inconsiderate, male abusing women.  But, in reality, it is always the male who needs training according to those who create political correctness and terms like "white privilege", etc.  I need to find a way to throw in the words, "empower" and "robust", and that will put me right in the mainstream of the cliched concerned activist who just wants what is best for you.  And wishes you to have just that whether you want it or not.

Male privilege.  Come on people.  Say what you are thinking.  "I hate white men!!" ( Unless they grovel and claim that they, too hate white men.)  Being gay helps because it almost erases your "whiteness" and your privilege..

There used to be female privilege, but that is rapidly dying.   For whatever reason that women want to be in combat, they are setting the stage for girls to have to register with selective service, too.  What a name--Selective Service.  No service to it.  The DRAFT.   I don't think people have any idea how awful it is to have the draft hanging over you.  You are in high school trying to get by and maybe you do not want to be required to serve for a war with no clear defensive purpose.

I hope the active draft never returns.  But if it does, I will be very sad if women, too, get drafted.  Gays screwed up, too, in a way.  Now you can't get out of the draft that way.  Under don't ask don't tell you could bail on the military by coming out.  In a situation of being drafted for a bogus war, avoiding the draft is not hurting your country.  The draft and the bogus war are.  Same to me either way. You go girls and all that tripe.  That must be my male privilege rearing its head.

I loved the draft.  Being a slave of the state is just cool as can be.

OK. No More News for Awhile

Really.  I did not think we could do worse for attorney general than Eric Holder.  I was wrong.  Loretta Lynch is either nuts or purely evil.  Holy smoke.  Her reaction to San Bernardino?   Better watch your anti-muslim rhetoric.  If she deems it hateful you can be investigated and charged with some kind of hate crime.

In light of this, I must clarify what I meant when I said I didn't like Islam and that I found imams who crossed my path to be jerks.  What that actually meant was that I find islam to be the most lovely, peaceful, fun loving religion ever, and I find the stonings and other acts of religious correction to be beautiful expressions of love.   And I meant that the holy men of that faith are wonderfully fair, respectful of all people, and above all, peaceful.

I think this is the biggest worry we have---people not loving islam and people not wanting muslims in their neighborhoods.  That is what we need to watch out for.  What they mean by "see something, say something" is that if you see or hear anything that may possibly indicate that someone doesn't like islam and may not be welcoming to muslims, you should report them.

But let's be clear.  I love all of them, especially women who cover up except for little eye slits.  Showing more skin than that is scandalous and how can a man be blamed if he attacks?  Geez.  Get with it.  We are lucky our astute attorney general understands this stuff and also understands the constitutional limits intended on the authority of our government.  Yay for us.

Holy sh**.  Really.  Did the USSR look like an attractive model?  Cuba?  I guess I am just too stupid to get it.  I was thinking maybe little terrorist groups operating under the idea that they serve some god by killing innocent people was a worry.  I see now that the real worry is that someone might have an unfavorable or biased view of the beautiful world of the islamic faith and culture.  My bad.

Cherry Koolaid, I Guess

Some of my favorite relatives are the most koolaid drinking statists I know.  That is tough.  I wonder how bright people can really think that governmental operations and constructs are the most altruistic and moral and just avenues for the betterment and welfare of the human race.

It's about as reasonable as leaving your keys in the car with a wad of money on the seat, in the middle of a mall parking lot, in Memphis, and expecting it to be there when you come back to your car tomorrow.  Just doesn't work out.

Why is there so much corruption connected with governments?  Because the corrupt do their best to convince you you need government involved in every facet of life. They build the institution. That's why.  They hate the limits a good constitution places on the state.  They do their best, successfully it appears, to convince people that rights are really privileges granted by the authority of the state.

But my relatives are right in their on the cutting edge of progressive nonsense.  Mostly out of disdain for republicans and all that, I think.  They pretty much believe the second hand reports of what alleged right wingers say and do. Much of that info is false.  Just like the conservative pundits can be spouting propaganda as well.  I just find the progressive efforts more harmful because their goals ultimately lead toward totalitarian rule.

What do I know?  I am letting you pay most of my medical bills.  Thanks.  Suckers.  In a perfect world it would all be far different.  As it is, problems are generated by the same people who claim to solve them.  They sap you to the point you have little choice sometimes.

Please, help me keep my mouth shut during my visit to see family on the 27th.  Amen.

God I hope I don't have to listen to talk of "common sense" gun laws.  I see that phrase over and over. WTF does it even mean?  We did better before gunfree zones, but the actual murder rate by guns is down by a huge percent in the last few decades.  All in how you package info.  Obama is wrong in many respects.  It does happen in other countries, and we are number four or six--depending upon the parameters for per capita deaths from mass shootings.  And treating San Bernadino as a case of anything other than a terror attack is BS.  Comparing it to lunatics going nuts is also BS.  Blaming the NRA is so far off the mark, it is criminal.

How can smart people be so completely wrong?

I think it has to do with peer pressure, greedy desire to have an excuse to vent hatred, jealousy and who knows what.  Freedom actually takes a kind of discipline most people refuse to cultivate.  Letting others live how they choose and not how you would choose for them is tough.

My own damn relatives!!  Freaky.  Maybe they are right. They certainly have been more successful.  But no, they are wrong on this.  Or just not that fond of individual freedom and natural rights.
Oh well.  Nice people can be Bolsheviks I guess.  And you wonder how the whole nazi thing ever got a foothold.  People go along.  Sad.

Logic, Schmogic; We Must DO Something!!

  It really stuns me how hatred of republicans and religion tends to send die hard progressives into lockstep insanity.    Republicans irk me quite often because of the dumb way they have of opposing things that I oppose.  They will twist it so that the reasoning is no longer based on what I see as the germane  principles involved.  They will say things like hold a silver dollar between your knees to prevent teen pregnancy, and other nonsense.  This gives the opponents open season to push all sorts of statist nonsense.  Makes me want to go on a slap binge, smacking them all.

That does not change the fact that for some reason progressive talking points have long been at odds with natural rights, the Constitution, choice in all matters except abortion, and meritocracy in any form.   I have no idea why this is.

It is scary that I can pretty much tell just by the body language and facial expression of a woman whether she is so politically lockstepped and addicted to anger that it would be dangerous to even say something that hints at my lack of faith in government and the vision of statists.  Or to point out that to champion someone like the late Ted Kennedy is to champion an abusive misogynist, elitist, and exploiter of the under dog.   No way that conversation will happen.

So now we have an attack by an islamic terrorist cell, and the news wants to know if planned parenthood is OK,  One is an organized planned event.  The PP episodes are lunatic idiots who are not backed by any religion or philosophy.  Anti-abortion people do not like places to get public funding if they do abortions.  They are labelled domestic terrorists and that is nuts.  Really.  I don't want any outfit to get tax money, abortion or no.  But that is a pipe dream and I am aware of that.

But what we have is a whole culture of people who are so programmed that they just react as they are conditioned to do, regardless of fact.   Generally any self labelled Christian person, idea or organization receives immediate scorn no matter what.  Then in light of recent attacks and past ones, beheadings, stonings, etc., they jump to defend Islam and raise hell about Christians, as if one is tied to the other.  I have no idea why the pretense regarding the world of muslims is a cause.

I can see not wanting to label them all as terrorists, but there is a tendency to pretend.  One minute religion is stupid, the next poor islam deserves our protection and apologies for nothing.  My experience with holy men of most religions has led me to unfavorable opinions in most cases.  Not in the case of rabbis, though.  Imams are the biggest jerks I have ever encountered, priests-50/50, pastors 50/50.  I have never experienced such disdain from others, as the disdain the holy islamist shows toward a random infidel like myself.   You get them in a situation where they think because you are someone's employee that they have free reign, oh boy.  But being one on one, they have no proof I offered to beat them to a pulp--another story, another time.  Maddening people, and I dealt with them on several occasions.

Interesting that my encounters with Jewish holy men has always been an interaction of the highest respect and decency.  They apparently do not equate non-jews with pig dung.  I have no question that most imams do.  It is quite obvious.

Sorry, I really dislike that religion and its holy men.  That is the way it goes.  But from a governmental point, I do not believe in rounding them up or any of that.  But do not deny that muslims are the kings of terrorist acts and using women and children for shields, because they are.   Equating domestic lunatics with religious jihadists and mass murderers is a lie.

Why not equate the the 15 or 20 killed in the 'hood by the 'hood in cities like Chicago during a good weekend with terrorist attacks by ISIS?   Can't mention that because we can't invoke our hatred of christians and white people that way.  Of course the invokers are generally self hating whites or filthy rich whites who are either consumed with guilt or fear that the minority people will beat them up, or unmask their true elitism and belief in their superiority...and lack of coolness.  Same result; nauseating pandering, a la Quentin Teratino.   What a phony.  I wish the black panthers would see through him and rough him up a little, driving him out of the limelight.

Self hating whites and Americans annoy me.  Really.  It is an illness, and as much as I am defective, I am grateful I do not suffer from that need to pretend to hate my race and country.  If people understood the uniqueness of our original form of government and effort toward freedom, they would quit with the absurd, out of context drivel.  But to do that they'd have to admit that the world has been made bloody by tyrants, shamans and priests, and other thieves who masquerade as friends of humanity (again I cite Kennedy as an example).

So, the kool aid is flowing.  Terrorists attack.  They do so in a gun free zone. (Damn near a gun free state). So, the problem is lack of gun legislation, and the head of the NRA is labeled a terrorist.  We Must DO SOMETHING!!!  Enough is enough!!!

Just like airports after 911, people felt better being groped even though it would not have prevented those attacks.  NOT DONE A THING TO STOP IT!  But gee, I sure am glad you guys are on the job to take my nail clippers.

I wish republicans, especially evangelists like Huckabee would insist on gun laws and praise islam because then the compulsive progressives would immediately call him an idiot and push the opposite view.  They would because they do not reason.  They ridicule and think that is the same as reason.,

I have a dream.  A dream that one day all propagandists, idiots, compulsive statists, and authoritarians would all jump on the same band wagon and roll over a very high cliff.

Why would any sane person think that disarming the public and leaving control of arms in the hands of people like Hillary, Huckabee, and other lunatic politicians is a better bet?

.

Only An Idiot!!!

If you asked me, "Who would allow themselves to engage on facebook in some contentious thread relating to shootings and such, which included such original phrases as "common sense gun legislation".   Common sense?

Believe me, people in this government who make such statements tend to stay where I work,  I'm here to tell you they wouldn't know sense and logic, common or any other kind, if it bit them in the ass.  Seriously.  If you engaged in any way with these people, you would know that "common sense" is as foreign to them as getting a real job.

But  to answer the original question; only an idiot!   You may ask how I know.  Or not.  I have been such an idiot is how I know.

Really.  Some chick is hassling another chick for being too simplistic and not original.  Then she turns around and basically copies and pastes the usual stuff off of koolaid sites about "common sense" gun laws.  If these latest people are of the Allahu Akbar variety--I doubt I spelled it right.  I hope this is not as bad as drawing a picture of you-know-who, peace be upon him (pbuh).

Maybe I should go back and read more.  The common sense chick is bound to use the word "robust" any second now.  We need common sense legislation to create a body of robust gun regulation in this country.  Never mind that this is about as worthwhile as harassing the public after 9-11 when none of the present day search and grope and shoes on and off would have stopped the attack on the trade center.  Profiling, and alerting the crews to the intelligence that they sat on would have helped.  They knew suicide attacks were possible.  Crews were trained to be compliant and acquiesce.  Had crews been aware of the intelligence that the government had, they would have played differently, no doubt.

Don't know if it would have prevented anything or not.  But none of the screening we deal with would have done the trick. Only profiling known lunatics and people learning to fly jets but not land them.

It Is All A Mystery to Me

Yes. It is.   I hid a well written post that I had up for a day.  It was too controversial in many ways relating to my relatives.  It was more like a therapy session with the reader being the shrink.  But I don't trust the reader to honor the patient doctor confidence.  Readers will blab it all over and get the facts wrong and then you have a big mess.  Kudos to them for being able to read, though, and for reading something I wrote.

Largely an imaginary world--the world in which I have numerous, nameless, unknown readers.  It is a good world and one toward which we should all direct our efforts.  As it is, there are a few super geniuses who do read this blog.  I have a very small readership but the most brilliant readership of anyone.  Geniuses all.  Ahead of their time.

So, I am stumbling along trying to keep my socialist insurance.  I almost had to lie to do it.  If you don't earn enough, you cannot even opt for the plan which has very low copays.  You have to opt for the completely free (allegedly, but not in reality) plan which offers few, if any, choices.

As near as I can tell, it is fine if you break your arm cleanly or something of that nature.  If you have rare blood disease or cancer of some kind, things like that, the system appears top be designed to ensure your rapid demise.  Seriously, you need to be energetic, have an abundance of time and patience, and have no time sensitive physical issue like ten times more platelets in your blood than is advisable.  By the time you get through all the hoops and hooplah, if you are healthy enough to do so,  you will probably already have had strokes and such, and may be a vegetable or dead.

Do not fall for the lies.  No politician cares at all if you have access to medical help.   It is a money maker and an easy way to buy votes.  The free stuff is not so free.  You will pay.  One way or another.

Even with some choices, I am shocked at the insanity that has crept into the medical world.  It is as nuts as all other governmental nonsense.  Insurance companies are apparently the devil.  At least some of them.  They write the laws that they pretend regulates their industry.  It is nuts.  The whole game.  I still think it is bizarre that you have to have permission to take medicines and drugs which you may feel you need.  Doctors are not God.  Many tend to prescribe what won't get them in trouble and which pharmaceutical companies push.

They seem to enjoy leaving people in pain if they come under any pressure.  I think it contributed to the death of my friend and coworker, Lynn.  Pretending to be worried about people getting hooked, or "abusing" pain killers, the state subsidized health outfit cut way back on what chronic pain sufferers could get.  In CA they can also get marijuana, but that only helps so much.  It does help many people.  So many strains and sativa this, indica that, etc.  that many conditions can be addressed without hugely stoning out the patient.

Lynn was in a lot of pain for various reasons.  And she was generally doing OK.  Then came the crunch and it was affecting her a lot.  Some withdrawal, and some was just how her maladies affected her when she could not avail herself of modern concoctions that allow people to function who otherwise couldn't due to friggin pain.  She was hurting but really trying to be OK.  I knew she was fatigued and not feeling well the night before her heart attack.  I cannot prove the medical world and the whims of socialized medicine in CA are to blame.  I do believe they played a role though.  In any case, I think they were saving money.

And people should realize that they are fine with you dying rather than costing money.  They only pretend to really want to give you free stuff so you will vote for the free stuff candidates.  In reality, you vote, you sign up for mandatory insurance and if you are highly subsidized based on income, you die.  That is how they set it up.  I swear.  They may not kill you outright, but they are not going to go out of their way to prevent your death if that involves much money or hassle.

Here I am, the guy who never wanted to be on any socialist government program.  Any government program at all, for that matter.  And I am finding ways, up to this point, to avail myself of subsidized insurance.  Just a little bit beyond free so I can have choices.  Not on the HMO model.  I have yet to find a primary care physician, ever since Dr. K sold his veterinarian practice.  He would not have been on my insurance anyway.  Still vets make good GPs if you want a reliable family doctor.

I'm having to claim I made a bit more than I may have made playing music.  It may be right, but probably not.  I didn't make that much at the resort.  Not a lot of hours really.  All I can handle right now.  Still, while I am working, I am generally not thinking about all that depresses me beyond belief.  Or, like today, I spend hours trying to cope with bouts of pruritus, not giving in right away, trying to prevent the acute attack.

 Eventually, if it doesn't get too over the top, it will subside somewhat.  I still had to do the scalding shower before I left.  That is not a normal way to live, I don't think.

Played with Valor and Lace at Lakeside VFW for awhile.  6:30 to 8:00.  More of a rehearsal than anything,

The whole game is to quit convincing myself I am worthless and that I criminally wasted my life and shouldn't even be alive because there is nothing to live for, etc.  Sounds very stupid and foolish right now.  But mostly I have to quit promoting that train of thought.  Hard to shut off.  The thing that saves it is trying to bring something worthwhile to people who play music with me.

And in dreading my trip to Austin to see family, if I can hope to bring something to that table that benefits them in some way, maybe it will get my mind off of how outside and less-than I feel.  I am probably angry, too.  Because I know my brother considers people like me--troubled youth, no kids, no permanent career--to be non-productive wastes.   He has said so, just not directly referring to me.  Anyway, I am not in my best, strongest frame of mind and body.  But I am hanging in pretty good in most ways.

OK.  I can do this.  Austin.  Besides, there are people on the edge of town who want me to play on New Year's eve.  This should be interesting.

This Friday--winter wonder jam festival at Cuyamaca College. With Enter the Blue Sky-Sande.  It is not a jam. It is a show. A minor production.  A line up of original groups or artists, with us being the hotshots, or so it seems to me.  Everyone had to audition to get a slot.  We have a good selection of songs.  On;y playing thirty minutes or so, but if it goes as planned we will get them moving, make them cry, then spontaneously combust with our last one.  I get to freak out in B minor.

Saturday afternoon,  Julian station with Valor and Lace, then that evening Pine House Cafe in Mt Laguna with Valor and Lace.  Out in the beautiful mountain country of east county.  That is where I go when I want to get some 6000 ft altitude.  Valor and Lace doesn't require me to let loose that much so O2 won't be an issue.  My mood is helped by altitude. Since I can remember I liked higher altitudes.

This is incredibly long I bet.