Battlefield: depression?::: amended

So, after asking myself if I am fatigued and uncomfortable because of the MPN bone marrow circumstances, or just because I am infused with blues, I try to find even more answers.

I muster the energy to round up a garbage bag or two of rubbish and trash.   Then I say out loud,  "Oh great job, Dumbass.  World f'''ing class.  How in the hell did we end up here?"  We being the real me, plus the nagging insulting me.

"You got here because you are g'' d''' waste of space.  You are a rotten person.  Useless.  What makes you rotten is that you somehow, compulsively, lead others to believe you are not an idiot and not a terrible person.  But you are.

Or, maybe you are not really evil and rotten.   Maybe you just aren't quite up to some things normal people find a natural part of living.  You are abnormal and cannot help it.   As a result, here you are.  You pitiful loser."

I say all that and more.  I try to give myself a break.  It is becoming tougher and tougher to do.  And this honestly is why I do not own handguns, or even short shotguns.  I do not trust myself.

When you see yourself as the enemy and can't manage to change that, things go poorly.  It also seems like a bit of a personality split which used to land you in a rubber room.  Now, the only alternatives I know are less appropriate.  So, best not to give up.  Never give up.

You do not know how mad I get when I think about how certain others must view me.  I hate them because I love them.  If that makes sense.  I'm the one who is insane and alone, not them.  They are happily nuts and not alone.   Granted, I could not live that life in most cases.  Makes me even madder.

I want to tell them to wipe the damn smile off their faces.  Screw you for being happy.

There was once when I had it figured out how to turn it all around.  Guess what?  Too late.  Just when I was going to share the plan, I found I was already devoid of one to share it with.

The plan could have worked, but, as usual, I gave up and dove deep.

Sometimes the only thing is to find someone else to help or encourage or whatever.  Anything to get out of myself.  But they go on OK, and never look back.  And really, that is right.  I did it to get away from myself and because I like it when others catch a break of some kind.  Misery does not always want company. Another not universally true adage that pretends otherwise.   I want no one to feel this way, not even most jerks.

If you help the bleeding person by the side of the road, just be glad.  It doesn't mean you won't bleed out when it is your turn to be in that fix.   So, I will just get myself out of it.  Except I am not always convinced I can.

I keep thinking this JAK2 positive marrow issue is imaginary.  Then  various symptoms get out of hand.  Why the nausea, who knows. Or cares.  The mad pruritus (sort of like itch but different) is the real bummer.  It leaves you exhausted or tired, either from riding it out, or what you take to numb it down.

Well, I have had it.  I am too mad to give up.  And someday I will not be talking to myself.

This is what I hate about statists, they think everyone has the energy, money, and inclination to read and comply with government mandates, bizarre rules, paperwork of proving it is OK for you to exist.
I am bad at that stuff and I hate those who promote it.  Not good to hate, but at this minute, I do.

Alright, so I am going to get rid of this supposedly incurable nuisance, and I will go down fighting or possibly succeed for awhile.  Time will tell, I suppose.

***edited to add
The missing ingredient is faith.  I know that.   I don't have it in the way I once did, for awhile.  It needn't even be spiritual.  A person has to have something to drive them and give them purpose.  I've lost that.

That is the real enemy.  Faith that I deserve a purpose, and then having some driving force.  It is easier if you just believe religiously.  I do not, at least not like some people claim.  Of course I do not believe a lot of those people.  They use it as a back door to self aggrandizement.

There is more to life than meets the eye.  And more to human connection to things, I guess.  You probably have to have children before you see much spirit.  They are your ticket to at least semi-immortality.

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Larry Elder Destroys The Concept of White Privilege

I am so privileged and I feel awful about it.



Don't get me wrong, I think the state and the culture of law enforcement are abusive and backward.  But I think the propaganda used to control voting blocs is destructive and criminal.

Where I Part Ways With Many

Ever seen movie reenactments of the French revolution?  The guillotine glut, and class warfare run amok?

The bits I've seen are examples of the cruelty which ensues when mobs decide they are victims and everyone else is the problem.   Lately our own country seems to embrace the same mentality.  Mostly from the progressive left, as they are the official purveyors and avengers of victimhood.

Once you define yourself as victim, then all limits are off on how you deal with the supposed enemy.  So, it is OK to stop traffic, cause violence, damage property, lie and whatever else you like to do that would normally be unacceptable.

That is the tactic used to gain votes,  power, and the cooperation of the "little guy".  I guess now that would be "the little being".  You may think, "no, the little person", but person contains the word son, and that is obviously sexist.  You pig!!

I do admit, my disdain for the language and tactics of progressive democrats, or pretty much any official democratic endeavor, is because it is so reminiscent of the abusive morons who ran the show in Dade county public schools.  One out of ten teachers and admins were worth a damn.  Nasty idiots.

Anyway.  On another side of the coin is this excitement over wishing Hillary would go to jail.  It is kind of stupid, in my mind.  First off, hardly anyone should go to jail.  The fact that victims are rarely compensated, yet we spend thousands and thousands a year to house people in cages where rape and further criminal indoctrination occur, indicates that we still have a toe in the Dark Ages, (where I believe Islam lives. pbuh)

If you really knew the truth, probably half or more of DC would qualify for the lock up.  That is irrelevant I guess.

The idea of jail for Hillary bothers me.  I thought it was beyond the pale to send Martha Stewart to jail.  She had to have angered someone with political power.  It did no good at all for anyone.  Very very sick.

I may not believe Clintons are honest but until they are proved to be behind murdering enemies, just deny them public office and let it go.  We do not have to be so damn jail happy.  Way too many people jailed as is.  And way too many let go who maybe should be shot or deported to other countries like Syria or Chad.

I do not have to hate and want to cause pain to people I consider bad apples.  It does depend. You rape, you should just die on the spot, but no.  Partly because some people lie about it.  Gets complicated, but not always.

One side wants Hillary in jail, and another wants Trump humiliated and massive riots if he gets elected.  It is nuts.  But people prefer false narratives to truth so they do not really analyze stuff.  I saw a thing going around that has a very rational tone re Hillary's lack of proper handling of classified material.  Reading it critically, you can see where they sidestep the issue, and actually do not refute the basic assertion of mishandling sensitive intel,  but they pretend to.  Most people just buy what their talking point sites say.

The frustrating thing is that both sides tend to go hyperbolic instead of confining to facts without a context twist or veil.

Who need to be pulled out of circulation are those who will incite violence.  And it is not hard to find them.  Some hold high office and many are often darlings of the press in one way or another.

I know how difficult things can be in my state of health.  Because I can function on flexible hours and  avoid activity and people when need be, I do OK.  I cannot imagine dealing with these pruritus attacks in a jail setting, or any kind of confinement.  I would immediately find a way to get shot or killed because it would be a raging hell I would not wish on even Hillary.  Not even on Ted K., Liar of the Senate, when he was still alive.  And lying in Congress.

So, I cannot begin to agree that I would put Hillary in prison.  The woman has enough physical issues.  If she wins, someone else is going to have to do the heavy lifting.  She's got some chronic issues that cannot be fun.  But we already know modern presidents are like news anchors, they just say what they are told.    If you actually think not, then you are in another reality to which I'd love to gain entrance.

Greed takes many forms.  Greed for power can be as petty as enjoying the pain of others who do not share your worldview.   Taking out bad guys is one thing.  Actually enjoying their suffering is another.

Which brings me to the most troubling thing I ever heard Hillary, or Trump for that matter, say;  "We came, we saw, he died.  hahahahaha."   That is really screwed up.  And what we are left with as a result is even worse.  She laughed about a brutal death.  But, like the religion of peace, the democrats are the party of compassion.  Right.

And don't start about republicans.  I have no idea what that is the party of.  I'm talking democrats here. The typical kneejerk koolaid response to unpleasant Hillary facts is, "what about Trump, blablabla..."   Was I discussing Trump?

NO

I live in CA, and here, the democrats are like kudzu, slowly choking the life out of everything in their path.  Republicans mostly just manage to look so lame that they throw the power to the democrats.  I'm pretty sure democrats pay republicans to come up with some of this, so they can continue their subtle programs of totalitarianism and maybe even euthanasia.

Collectivism just doesn't work for some of us.  We couldn't thrive under such a government even if we are thoroughly brain washed and reprogrammed.  I believe it is an organic impossibility for some. Like me.   I try.  Really.  But I am just not able to be that good little comrade.  To dems, the collective is always more important than the individual--depending upon who is the individual.

But I can barely run my own life.  Still, I do have an abundance of resentment for authoritarians and overzealous regulators.
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Impossible To Be Totally Impartial

If this was back in the time of Woodward and Bernstein, the democratic party and the Clinton campaign would be in legal trouble.  The videos of insiders admitting their efforts to foment violence and influence elections in unsavory ways have been bizarrely ignored and discounted by the lockstep left.

Lockstep right annoys me too, but I actually dislike lockstep leftist attitudes even more these days.   The allegedly professional media refuses to look at it.  The hypocrisy of the koolaid left is embarrassing this year.

The hypocrisy of lockstep right has always been embarrassing.  And disappointing because I like good alternatives to democrats.  Democrat is the party of short sighted pandering.  and public school tyrants and pedophiles.  Sorry maybe you did not grow up in Dade county.  I may be listing toward hyperbole here.  I know this.  But the truth is still in there.

Maybe it will come up if they need a way to distract from insurance prices spiking, as the Affordable Care Act ceases to be affordable, just as Obama hits the road.  If only both CA senators and a few others would hit the road.

Doesn't matter, because Trump.  So,  the legal mafia instead.  I did give up on republicans in most ways, but the thug, demagogue party has no room whatsoever to build themselves up by knocking others down.  Fraud and violence.  Admitted, filmed and obvious.  Let up on the kool aid. Really.

Everyone seems to forget that they actually gave us VietNam and slammed Goldwater because he did not want to waste lives and not resolve it properly.  So, we lost huge numbers of lives, and the resolution sucked.  Thank you LBJ, et al.

Veritas nailed her on this.  but because Trump! they pretend... but she's a woman, don't we want the first woman. Isn't it time?   No!  Lack of a tally whacker is no reason to employ a gangster and demagogue to head the country's executive branch.
but, wait, no she's wonderful,  because...Trump!  yikes
 Really?  come on
Vote for Jill or Gary, or at least just say the truth: "my party does like to tamper with the vote, we believe dead people can vote too, and we like to stage little mini false flag type events to create public lies.  We believe it is ok if we are thugs, because we know best, and you'll thank us later."
Just admit it.  Don't come back with, "but, Tru ump!".  We're talking about your outfit.  It is organized crime and you got caught.  Trump does not change that fact

Phobic? Who, me?

After much study and research, the Committee for the Aggradation of Bargain Salvation Alternatives has determined the ever persecuted "religion of peace" offers the most bang for the buck.  By many camel lengths.  Peace be upon him/them/it.  Or as we conversant with the lingo write, pbuh.

I am not even going to lobby re the election.  In a way it feels like I am up against all the corrupt public school people, and others who punished involuntary nonconformity.  Some of us have organically different ways of learning.   

And some of us do not do well being marginalized so political pandering toward the dimwitted and deviously motivated can thrive through great pretense.  And through bullying the innocent.

I've had years to sort through the small minded culture of my youth.   Back biting Miami.  Unbelievable.  Authorities in school were actually bigger jerks and bullies than the police at that time.  Back then, cops were only occasionally off the charts; usually writing nitpick traffic citations to make money.  Like a fund drive for PBS but different.

People who use the word "consensus" as if it constitutes a scientific argument are actually too lazy to truly inform themselves.  And too dishonest to admit they neither understand the processes of gathering data, the math to comprehend the analysis of data, or anything else of substance on the topic.

If you look at the organizations and entities trying to control energy and travel, they are the same as those who have retarded the development of better fuels and means of transport in the past.  Now they pretend to know all the energy alternatives and to be the best judges of what should be used, penalized or subsidized.  If you do not realize that serious cronyism and corruption drives this whole climate control as a political issue used to restrict the citizenry, you are insanely naive and need to lay off the koolaid for a minute.

Do you have any idea how many people who devised renewable sources of energy and more efficient methods were shut down over the years?  Me neither, but I know of some.  I found it particularly bizarre that producing your own power was met with unpleasant force in  the 60's and 70s and beyond.   Same governments, and same parties playing games now.  

Oh well.  Like I said, more bang for the buck.   And I used to own a copy of Mo's book.  pbuh.  It was creepily left on a plane, but had English translation.  Inside was something handwritten in one of those languages like Arabic.  Anyway, it was mostly about when  to pretend to be friends with infidels, and when to take their heads off.  I had lengthy discussions with a guy who passed himself off as a peaceful and moderate practitioner of the faith of peace. pbuh--can't be too careful

The more I got to know that guy and watch videos he recommended, the more convinced I became that he and C A I R were definitely all about the bang.  

What may touch off my phobia more than anything is people very much like my junior high administrators and teachers who blindly pretend that which isn't true, and at the expense of those they deem too privileged to rate equal treatment and protection.   Pandering by elitists who enjoy the ease of manipulating the population is a hugely annoying practice which seems to work well.  Large groups who experience worse and worse local culture willingly give government con artists permission to help them become less educated and sane.  

Odd that something about this election hits that nerve.  I guess I consider myself, essentially, as, or more, intelligent than most, and these snarky elitists go on as if they not only have the right to decide how and where others live, but the obligation to have power over our lives; because we are inferior.  That sure does annoy me .  My bad, no doubt.

So odd that most political ads leave me wanting to vote for the opponent.  There is the Texas ad but that is an anomaly.   Mostly talking federal nonsense, but not entirely.  I live in California--need I say more?

Talk about big pretense.  These people seem to believe anything.  More motivated by peer pressure than  info.  Empty parrots

Just because your opponent party's people may find some threat to be a threat, does not mean it is a benign thing, and they are to be ridiculed.   They may be idiots, but perhaps they are sometimes halfway right.

Oh well, let me go find a koolaid stand, pbuh
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Good news, other news, and whatnot

So, today was the day for the cast to come off.  Yay.

So, today was the day I started wearing a removable splint, the same size as the cast.

They said to only remove it to shower and to clean it.  And still I have the thumb kind of isolated and useless.   I can feel it if I position anything wrong.  I figure those pieces are curing like something you glue together.  If you push it, the pieces separate.

The x ray seems to show improvement.  We go three weeks and then see.   The psychological advantage of knowing this thing can be taken off and put back on helps prevent cast-ophobia.  Like claustrophobia.  Somewhat.

I'm going to tell you a story.
One thing I really disliked about growing up in Miami was the NYC influence.  Harsh rude people.  Petty people.  Just the culture.  Like Trump.  Charming at times, and just shallow like the dead river that runs through Lakeside.  Trump is typical of people from certain areas of NYC and New Jersey.

I'm profiling.  Of course everyone wasn't like that, but enough were.  It is abrasive and intimidating, or angering to people not of that culture, and not familiar enough with it to not take it too seriously.

Like the Rosie war.  Both of them were behaving normally in their view with a petty insult war, conducted in public.  Trump thinks everyone says "Kaboom!!" when he goes into the petty tit-for-tat insult mode.  They don't.

They would rather you gently help Hillary melt.  Unless you are in cahoots, you would not do more stupid stuff.  It would be mean but you could arrange for someone to briefly flash a strobe around Hillary, say, just prior to the debate.  May bring a seizure. You seize the opportunity by shutting up. Be concerned, cordial polite, then silent.  As if

Truth is, as insane as he sometimes seems, the phony outrage from the ultra statists pushing Hillary seems to compel some to vote for him anyway.  I wonder if it hasn't all been a reality show with a predetermined outcome.  Really, the only way to sweep all of the collateral damage and aftermath of Hurricane Hillary under the rug, is to supply sufficient diversion.  A cooperative press helps.

Every once in awhile I catch some CNN.  I can take it for about 1 to 3 minutes.  No matter when I turn it on, a panel is there expressing outrage over Trump, or appearing concerned that he may Implode.  It is always about Trump.  The panelists take turns trying to be the most clever in a sort of beat poet, pretend it is brilliant in its banality sort of way.

This is not condemnation or endorsement.  But the Kennedys were part of that masher culture too.  Probably why Ahnode fits in there.    And they were known for their disrespect and worse with women.
Especially Ted.
Seriously, it is a type of attitude that makes people like me think much of the culture of the northeast coast is obnoxious and shallow and sucks.

The real shame is the racist lie.  Trump is not a racist.   Clintons have to be.  Playing the great white hope while convincing people they are be screwed due to their race is a game for greedy cynics.  Misanthropes. They think so little of people and just life, itself, that they manipulate to define a problem in a way that they then justify coming to the rescue with public cracker money.   Or that is how people think of it.   Everyone gets robbed and a few crumbs come back.

Neither is racist enough to toss out the term.  The absurdity of the attacks backfires.  It makes a person want to vote just to shut those hysterical agitators up.

Alright.  Is it just me, or does Hillary's logo hint at some sort of phallic symbolism?   At least she doesn't, to my knowledge, hang fake testicles from the trailer hitch on the back of her vehicle.

Can someone explain to me why anyone would ever be motivated to hang a large set of fake genitalia off the back bumper or trailer hitch of your vehicle?  I'm not kidding.  I have seen this more than once.  More than one were pick up trucks, and I think another was a good size SUV of some kind.  I was just short circuited searching my brain for why.

For all I know some vehicle ball hanger may one day read this.  And be offended.  And introduce legislation of some kind I cannot even imagine.  I never can and then BAM!! they come up with something I never would have.

Didn't it seem like this election should have been Bernie vs Trump?  Those were the ones who seemed to have popular support.