Still Changed

Although I do feel like I've changed in some way, I'm not done with whatever is amiss physically.  That's OK.  I feel optimistic.  No reason, I just think it will work out well enough.  I don't really doubt what I think is up.  Probably it is the kick in the ass that I need.  I wonder if being a better everything would have prevented this turn of the screw.

Whatever.  You would not believe the way some people and their kids relish the chances to show no respect for property or people, and to avoid practicing normal courtesy on any level.

I'm talking about hotshot people, who are pals with some of the most connected and politicially powerful people in the world.  If you are one who actually believes the jackass party is "fighting for the little guy", you are so naive, misguided, or stupid that there may be no hope.  I don't know which; I'll assume naive to give benefit of doubt.  For one thing, if you can't sense the elitism and arrogance in that statement, "I'm fighting for the common people", or words to that effect,  then you must be one who assumes you are above the common riffraff you claim to champion.

(Not to say some of the things from the other mainstream party haven't left me dumbfounded and speechless lately.  If I didn't know better, I'd think some of the jackasses were dressing up in pachyderm suits, spouting weirdness, just to make them look bad.  Seriously, gimme a break)

Believe me, some of the most vocal champions of the poor and downtrodden are some of the most overtly, and subtly, abusive, disrespectful people around.  It is just the way it is.  But, then, I often get ten hours in when I'd normally would have five, just because of thoughtless disrespect of property, and an inability to reason rather than just break things.

Fortunately much of that wreckage occurs indoors so I can fix it in air conditioned comfort, avoiding the dreaded rise in core body temp. resulting in the subsequent killer sweats.  Win-win.  Money and environment.

I think my music playing must have changed.   Actually, I know some of it changed.  I should be playing guitar but I'm not doing it yet.  Maybe someone will put up a half decent or interesting video.  I know plenty has been taken.

Often I need the outlet that playing music provides.  A few minutes of thinking of nothing, but being able to spew emotion through a little harmonica, and get away with it.  Or just get lost floating in the background while others do whatever it is they do.

For various reasons it appears all will change by September.  Long story.  Much with the job will change and that may mean I'm out of there.  Not a matter of blame or victimization or any of that.  Just the nature of some personnel changes I think are coming which are tied in with denizens of the head office.

These are times to think and plan and get some bases covered and out of the way to avoid inconvenience to myself or others down the road.

Must Be a Miracle

The last day and a half has been entirely free of the itch and burn syndrome.  My face doesn't feel the way it would if I were doing a handstand or hanging upside down. I don't know when I've gone ths length of time without trouble.  I was able to get in some physical activity-mostly in the form of playing music with friends and strangers.

I went to a place last night which was the perfect set up.  Mostly people I don't know, but some players early on who do know me and asked me to sit in.  A guy who does recording and production, and also is a good performer wanted my info as a reference for when he needs harp on recording.  The are hundreds of other harp players around but most people claim I'm different.  That seems to be working out.

So I am glad I dared to go down there last night.  Most days I've been too prone to attacks with just very minor activity.   I think it is because I vowed to myself to keep my balance on the positive side from now on.   Even when the sadness is overtaking me, which it likes to do.

G sent me a message that he and another guy were heading to the ranch to play this afternoon, so I took the chance and met them there.  I forgot that Coppercreek group from here on the mountain was going to the Moose Club jam this evening.   Word reached me via smarty phone, so I left the ranch about 7:30 and headed out there.

When I arrived, other people were playing who wanted me to play.  Then our group played with some others sitting in.  I may be wrong but I thought we sounded pretty good.  I cannot remember the last time I felt this good and able to be active without heavy consequences.  The bloated stomach, breathing weirdness, itch burn, all of it has remained at bay all day.  I still feel a little something luring under the surface but this is nothing like recent days.

Many people think it is foolishness and bunk, but too bad.  I like science and have a knack for it, or used to when  tried.  But I'll take miracles any time I can get one.  And who cares what people think?  What if this means cell counts and abnormalities are balancing out and giving up the strangeness?    If that happened, the next tests will come back unremarkable, and this era will be a thing of the past.

Whatever is bringing this feeling of improvement, I'll take it.   Today was better than yesterday.  I still detect some of what seems not right, but it may be fading dramatically.  Or with no drama.

There is more to life than meets the eye, no matter who says otherwise.  I won't define what that is, but obviously there are unknown forces and initiatives at play in the real of all that is.  Big bang all to pieces if you like, but explain to me what's up with the thought behind that. Or the accident of it all.  Clearly to pretend that knowledge is there when it isn't is bad science.  Theories serve to describe things in the best ways we can which seem to predict relatively narrow outcomes. They are frequently improved, changed, or replaced.

I'll be glad to call this all a mental breakdown resulting in imagined troubles which, through mind over matter, created  own issues and odd test readings.   I'll know otherwise but I won't care if others o.

What if it really lasts?  The Dr flatly said, "No, it won't just disappear as quickly as it came", when I asked.  But he doesn't know how it is in my world.  I'm getting ahead of myself. I had a good day or so, and maybe that will become the norm.  Yes or no, I feel changed somehow.

No News is Good News, but we been getting some news

First off, sometimes I meet someone that I immediately like admire from the very first instance.  N2(youngest nephew)'s wife's father was one such person.  I also automatically liked his wife.  Funny how you feel a kinship without even knowing some people, right away.

It saddens me more than they probably know to hear that this man died suddenly while doing yard work yesterday.  He was a little younger than I am and was retired from the Marine Corps.  I'm so glad I was able to see him at Christmas.  Actually, N2's in-laws helped keep me from feeling like a total waste of life over that holiday.  That was the holiday during which I realized that my place with my family is to be loved, but never to be respected, and I am very sad for that.

Today, I am sad to lose P., the ex-marine, and I feel for his wife, D.  They did everything together and were just a natural couple.  I'm just hoping that somehow she'll be OK knowing that they shared so much in life that many never know, even for a minute.  And his daughter must be crushed.

Everyone has some impact on others, but some people are more endearing than others, and often it is purely some intangible aspect that makes the so.  P. was like that, although I could readily see that he was far more thoughtful and kind than most people you'll ever meet.  I actually use his example sometimes in trying to conduct my life; not give up, and not whine so much.

The world was much better that he was part of it, and the world is not quite as good with him gone.
=========================================

So, I decided to call the Dr to see where to go from here, assuming all my tests must have been normal. The results had not reached them yet.  They called back, this time putting Dr Coronado Island, himself, on the line.   There seems to be some borderline, or high counts, here and there.  And some abnormal cell shapes and this and that.  Rather than be alarmist, we will repeat the tests in 1 month.  That doesn't help the attacks of pruritis or urticaria whatever.  The raging madness. But I try to work around that and have been advised to continue with antihistamines even though they don't necessarily prevent the problems.  They probably help.

This means I will start really going for the fresh fruits and vegetable diets and juicing that have worked out for some people.  And I'll continue to avoid prednisone if possible.  It may help a short term attack, but it is likely detrimental in the long term, or even not so long term.

I hate this preoccupation with health and medical nonsense.  I'm turning into one of THOSE people.  This is no way to score chicks, so I'll try to find better topics in the future.  For now, can I manage to change the oil in my car without having an attack?  We'll see

Maybe I'll go play music with the frozen in the sixties crowd around SD county.  Let me repeat my views---the '60's and 70's were times of confusion where total hypocrites and liars ruled the day.  Even more confusing and hypocritical than today, if you can believe that.

I always thought people would get the joke, "anarchists of the world unite!", until  saw the phrase issued in sincerity.  If I have to explain the absurdity of that, (and I'm very close to being a true anarchist--one who does not see the need for government--myself), then the explanation is wasted upon whomever needs it.  Note the word "close" was used, so no need for anyone go into a tirade about how necessary laws are, which often happens because some people cannot pay attention.

Please Let Me Get It Right

So I hear through a third party that the lady who is manager of the place where I work is hitting the road, Jack, in about one month.  Four or five weeks.

Why have I not been informed?  You probably have no more answer to that than I do.  Such a bizarre work situation.  However, this means the job may be momentarily vacant.

And it is a cushy job in many ways, and a royal pain in others.  I'm obviously the best person for this post.  So, it could happen.  The number one problem I see is that it is rare that the best person for a job lands it.  And those doing the hiring are in Chicago, and pals with Rahm and Barry, and the devil himself for all I know.

So, I have to figure out how to get somewhere.  I'm not sure the one leaving is in a position or of temperament to help me secure the position.  A good reference I'm sure. We'll see.

I have to just believe the right thing will happen.  It would be a good paying gig which allows flexible hours for the most part, and a lot of crazy problem solving, which suits me.  We'll be busier than we've ever been for the rest of the year and maybe even beyond that.

Hopefully I can make it happen and keep the physical anomaly under control enough to pull it off.

I need to quickly design a plan of attack to get this job.  If I stayed here, and didn't overspend  could put away a lot of money in a hurry.  Probably half of my take home or more.

It could be the end of my job as I know it.  I have no idea.  Any number of things could happen.  It is a crazy world and a crazy operation.  Whatever the outcome,  I guess some kind of change, move, or improvement is overdue.

No word re the various tests. They should have them for sure.  I'm not sure if the Dr  back in town or not.  Forgot about that. He ordered these through the wonders of modern communication and the coordinating skills of nurse Becky.  Well no news means no one has seen anything alarming, if anything has been seen yet at all.

When did regular Levis become so costly?  Finally checked the Levi store at Viejas outlet.  Is that weird that a native American tribe be called Viejas?  Doesn't that mean "old women" in spanish?

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Yoyo City, once again

My previous post was in very poor taste.  Drop me a line and I'll send you a refund of the ticket price.

Caught the movie Railway Man this afternoon.  Air condtioning.

Only myself and a woman who may have been even older than I were there.  She, in front row middle, and I, a few rows back.  I was worried for my mental condition--I was tearing up during the previews.  They could have played a Coke ad with polar bears and it would have left me bawling.
Crazy, crazy.  I tell you, the sadness stalks me like a dark alley mugger.  But I find things that are not so sad to occupy the mind.

I only decided to see Railway Man because it was the only movie playing at that time.  I did not want to  wait.  I forget what else besides the Angelina Jolie film was playing.  I lucked out.  Railway Man is a great film.

I suspect it doesn't get the hype it could because it is based on a true story and involves the way the Japanese treated prisoners of war in WWII.  We'd rather pretend that Europeans and Americans are the cruel barbarians of the world.  We've done our share, but not like most of the rest of humanity.  We did not invent slavery, but we ended it.  We didn't perfectly treat those who fell into our hands in war, but it seems uniquely American and European to treat POWs with any degree of respect and dignity.

People decry the internment camps and such, but by comparison to the Bataan Death March, it was a resort.  Not that those people were enemies.  Just saying the self hating Americans who take these things out of context are fuckwits.   I do not like that kind of heavy handed action where government screws over people.  And I marvel that the Roosevelt worshippers somehow gloss over the fact that he was no saint.  I'm far too radical to be an FDR fan.  But he was just part of the accelerating avalanche of statism and more.  I don't expect agreement.

Whatever.   I have a friend whose father survived that death march.  A rare person, as many were not so fortunate.  It had a lasting effect on everyone in that family.  Wars are great for prolonging the dysfunction of cultures and families.

At least I was not in a state of raving insanity when I left the theater.  Just quiet, solitary resignation, with a shred of hope.  Nicole Kidman rocks.  Hope and Nicole have little connection in my life, as far a I know.  I don't know what "shred of hope" means.  But I still stand by the assertion that  had a shred of hope

Where Were You In 2011, and Why

The people's psych ward, known as California, wants to know how the heck I made a living in 2011.  If I was curious about that, I would be asking the same thing.  I'm pretty sure I had to use savings and goodwill to survive.  Heckfiknow.

"We know you did blablabla with XYZ credit union."  Really?  I'm trying to recall.  I'm terrible at keeping track of matters mandated by governments.  Why is that?

I think it is because I find their methods, behavior, and language so distasteful that I cannot bring myself to get close to it and work with it.  To me, doing anything with the state is like washing a skunk.  That is why I am always so stunned and baffled to realize that most of my fellow Americans, including hyphenated Americans, can't seem to get enough of that skunk washing in their daily lives.  Many of them are being paid by governments in some way, so they love to see their agencies grow, and their power increase.  I won't impugn their moral compasses, though  am tempted at times.

At other times I think I am wrong; get what you can, while you can, regardless of how it is obtained, as long as it is legal.   Many of our laws are deigned to relieve us of the burden of having a conscience.  And certainly many of those enforcing the laws embrace this abdication of responsibility whole heartedly;  just doing my job, for the greater good, etc.

There certainly are a number of things I would not willingly fund: all the wars since 1945, and even some prior to that most likely, all foreign aid, the irs and several other agencies, Moonbeam's bullet train to the end of the rainbow, insurance and pensions for elected officials, public service ads promoting food stamps and exercise, etc., etc.

So, if millions of people think this stuff is cool, who are you to say they are wrong?   After all, there is a CONSENSUS!!!   How dare me.

You know why George Orwell would hate to be living now?   None of his scenarios, and none of the language in his books would seem odd.  His novels would read like a boring day in America and no one would buy them.  They'd have no pop.  Good thing for him he got in just before his imaginary world became real.

I'm a little freaked out.   I read somewhere that Ben Carson used the phrase that I recently used harping on the fact that people "go along to get along", and it queers the deal for everyone.   He didn't say queer the deal, I did.  Just to get an eyebrow raised.  It has zero to do with sex, gender, or whatever to do with identity and all that.  You can screw a light socket and call your self a wattasexual.  Don't care.  Have a f'ing parade.  I STILL do not care.  Find yourself a low voltage one, and you may never go back, black not withstanding.  Just saying.   120 volt may cure all your complaints permanently.  Sorry,  may have wandered.

The simple fact is,  the over reaching, heavy handed bossiness and cruelty of the state will only cease when people quit supporting it.  That won't happen.  The vast majority lack the courage, humility, integrity, and insight to risk such a moral stance.  Myself included, I suppose.  Too bad.  We're doomed to another couple hundred years of feudal-like existence.

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Maybe a Bad News, Good News Day

It was no fun waking up at 5:16 and then sixish trying to ignore the bizarre itchy burning weirdo skin rebellion.  I thought of a better illustration.  It is kind of like a bug zapper in the midst of a swarm of gnats.  I'm the zapper and ..whatever.

So it is quite clear that even if one was once lucky enough to have a veterinarian as his primary care physician, the luck continues even after the animal doctor retires.  The Coronado doctor, hereafter known as Dr. Coronado, runs a first class ship.  It must be due to whatever my friend said to him that they have been so attentive to my case.

They had the lab order all ready for me by 9 AM this morning.  I walked across the street to get 7 tests done.  The lab, due to Dr Coronado telling them to give me the best break charged very little.  I'm afraid if I give the figure here, some bureaucrat will catch it and decide it violates something and they need to raid my cottage or attack Dr Coronado with tasers.  

The doctor's office, Nurse Becky had obtained an estimate on thursday, so I knew the ballpark figure.  But Dr C added a test at the last minute, so we figured it would be up some.  They charged me less than the original estimate, and these were the most beautiful technicians in town.   mean that in an avuncular sense--they looked to be about 12 years old.  Very competent, and no valley talk, uptalk, or vocal fry.

What is so amazing is that nurse Becky has relayed information to Dr Coronado, who is out of town, on vacation, and he has faxed or whatever to authorize lab tests.  I expressed reluctance to do anything to bother him while he was away but she said he wants to know.  No wonder there is a plaque in the lobby from a local magazine citing him as on the list of San Diego's best doctors.  So far I guess he is.

It is amazing how quickly tests were ordered.  The clinic wanted me to make another appointment just to discuss tests or question the referral by the physician's assistant.  The Coronado connection saved me an estimated three appointments and three or four weeks time.

Becky confirmed that she heard the Valley chick stonewalling on the phone yesterday before I handed the phone over so they could talk. Then the valley chick all of a sudden can get stuff out asap.
OK You had to read the other story to know.

So, I'll know all but one of the tests Monday, I guess.  If there's any prob they'll call, I'm guessing.

The bad news is waking up with an attack trying to come on.  I tricked it for awhile even though I was freaked out at the prospect of a shower.  I read that one guy sometimes forces the thing with hot hot water, and then it all dissipates.   So, that's what I did and it worked.  But by midday it kept trying to come on again.  I was at my friend's in Pt L, and finally had to take a bit of prednisone.  It is just under the surface, a delicate veil between It and me.

That indicates the problem is gaining momentum, intensifying or proliferating.  It used to be every couple of days there would be trouble, especially in connection with water or sweating.  Now everything is a trigger.

So, here's my plan;  hope for the best

No I will continue to hone the coping skills and expect to find ways to get my work done.  As it is or has been the last couple of days, 10 minutes outside doing things is about it because it will begin to flare up.  I will work it out.

Nurse Becky said these tests weren't the entire arsenal but they were what he's thinking may reveal if it is caused by ice water in my veins or other likely culprit, and that he has a plan B and C should this not tell the tale.  In the mean time I'm being limited by a dermis in rebellion.

Somehow I think this is life telling me to be grateful for what I have here and now.  I can complain that kayaking or paddle boarding is out of the question, but how active was I when it wasn't?  Not very.  Especially not very aquatically active.  Also, I fully realize any people would love to be in my insanely itchy, burny shoes.  Or think they would.  They have real issues working on them.

So, empathy, and knowing that I do not know all that others feel or endure.  Best video to circulate in awhile was the one where the guy gets a pair of glasses that captions everyone he looks at.  All these people were annoying him, then he sees that this one lost a loved one, this one was having parenting issues, this kid was dying for positive adult attention, etc.  It was OK.  You never know what works.

                                                               

Welcome!! How Can We Not Help You Today?

OK, here's the deal.   The local clinic which is very nice and also on California Covered,  the state health care plan for Mexican nationals and welfare moms, or so it seems, is a nice looking place with bizarre Rube Goldberg systems in place.  It is also largely run by Valley girls who up talk.

Up talking is when they make most things sound like a question with the last word up several levels in pitch.  Other times the last word is  low girl growl.  To the uninitiated it is unintelligible.  I'm more uninitiated than not.

This would be a good place for someone doing  doctoral thesis on linguistics.  Another time I'll explore all that might entail.

So, that's the Alpine Clinic.  They took blood at first of April to check for food allergy.  We're almost 100% certain no food allergy is involved.  It takes a lot for me to claim 100% certainty on anything.  True scientists think that way.  Educated egomaniacs will claim, in terms they hope you can't understand, that they are 100% sure of things.  Happens every day.  Beware those people.



The specialist that my ex-primary care provider, the retired veterinarian, recommended, does not even take covered california nonsense.  Blue Cross, Medicare, or cashola.  I'm on the cashola plan.  But I feel like they have really worked with me. It is expensive, but could be worse.  And the other place needs more visits to get anything done, which probably evens the two out in the long run.

All I wanted was to have the blood work info from last month faxed to Coronado.   Of course that involves going in and signing an authorization.  Fine.  I do that.  I give the up talker the pertinent fax info, etc.   She has my stuff on her computer, prints out something then takes it to a device that looks like a fax.  "OK, so it has all been sent?"  "Yea"---managing to create extra syllables with last one up a  fifth.

That's all I need so I leave, but once in the lobby I call Coronado to double check.  No, they have nothing. They refresh it a couple of times.  Nope.

I go back in.  Hola, up-talker, they say it didn't go through.  "Oh I don't have the lab work.  All records are over at administration".   Big cloud above my head appears with giant letters, WTF?

OK. I try some subtle uptalking in case it will help.  "This is really important?"  sounds like  question but is actually a declarative sentence.  Perfect form.  "Oh, I can make a  note for them and they should send it within two weeks?"(again, declarative sentence with interrogatory uptick)

I still had Becky in Coronado on the phone and ended up handing the phone to the valley chick who shamelessly began lying.  "Oh, I was just telling him I'll personally walk it over and you'll have it tomorrow"?.....I pretended not to notice, and told Becky just get Dr Coronado to order whatever tests I need, and assume we may or may not receive the one being held hostage.

So, tomorrow we go pee and bleed and stuff.   I like watching the needle.  It is a little exercise in self control to view it with a clinical eye rather than the emotional approach.

I expect nothing to be wrong with me.  I decided to take that approach.  Assume there is absolutely nothing wrong, and once that is confirmed do all the things that set it off and see if mind over body will work out.

More than one person on the yahoo group had tests done which showed no prob, then months or a year down the line their tests show the issue.  So, a year of having this run their lives, with half their friends, family, and doctors treating them like they are sissy lunatics, and dealing with the hydrophobia problem.  They must have more friends, and spouses than I do who help them out.  Not sure I wouldn't just give up.

Something must be up.  I think my face is fatter, I'm fatter, my color is odd.  Puff.  Kind of puffy.  I'll bet they suggest my only hope is a tropical island with lots of attention from sea bunnies and other females.  Or just one good one.  Now I'm happy again.

The Best has Probably Been Passed Up long The Way

A grown man catches himself as he is almost brought to tears at the mere thought of the shower he must take sometime in the next 12 hours.
Meanwhile we wait for two different people in two different death camps disguised as medical facilities to call back.
There have been more optimistic episodes in my experience.  If only everything was all cleaned up and organized.  Then I'd be OK with all that is.

By the way, what is the alleged reason for states having an office called "Insurance commissioner"?  I'm thinking the real purpose is to facilitate crony commerce.   That is more accurate than saying "crony capitalism", and does not serve the propaganda mills which mis-label because they hate any iota freedom.  The way that black panther guy hated any "iota of a cracker".

Update: 1:11 A.M.:  finally found the nerve to grab a shower, believing it would be worse to wait until morning.  Most of the time these things work better at night.  Still waiting for body to get back to equilibrium.  I can feel it wanting to flash up in arms and legs, moving around like randomly flashing Christmas tree lights.  I feel the heat in my face, but it seems to be easing.  No itch or burn in face, just odd blush feeling.  Now I better get in front of a fan or something.  It helps immediately covering up but maybe a final air dry will help.  I feel it trying to get out of control which is less fun than you might imagine.  If they could control this, it would yield quicker results than water boarding.  OK.  sudden moment of easing up.  The Christmas tree lights are dimming and slowing down.

After seeing pictures fro the ranch event last Monday, and knowing this is not a normal stomach, I will push to get thyroid, liver and some blood issues ruled out.  This is not even close to my normal.  I'll decide on most likely culprits and get those tests first, even if I have to threaten bodily harm to get the incredibly inefficient arrogant medical creeps to cooperate.

It takes a world of total f'ing idiots to have allowed themselves to give up so much autonomy when it comes to ailments.  You cannot try medicines you think will help without costly approval, and sometimes not at all.  You can't get various tests run without getting approval and jumping through hoops.  And, of course, it is expensive.  If they think you have insurance, then they want to run a battery of tests, often not at all relevant to your specific case.

If you think this crime of a healthcare law will fix these issues then you are wrong.  For some situations, some people will come out ahead.  I expect many more to die from the one size fits all approach and the lack of incentive for bureaucrats in charge to do anything but protect their job and grow their agencies.  The VA scandal is a harbinger of things to come.

It was headed this way for awhile.  I have been no fan of the setup ever since things changed for whatever reason.  Not the only factor, but I kind of compare healthcare in terms of pre John Edwards and post John Edwards.

A lot changed when he channeled a baby being born, and promoted junk science to win in court.  But  guess karma caught up to him a little bit.  That is no help to the rest of the world.

I may almost be safe, but I still feel like it could flare up if I'm not careful.  It is abnormal to have to remain as still and inactive as possible to avoid an attack of itching and burning could make one beg for a heavy shot of heroin or morphine if they were available.  This is the main thing that has made me consider drinking--enough alcohol and you pass out and only feel things later.  But I can't do that and I know it will make it worse.

OK.  Its been 30 minutes and all the hints of trouble seem to be receding.  Thanks for letting me babble which actually diverted my mind from how things feel.  You wouldn't think so.

I was thinking, it is good to wish or pray for others to receive the good things you'd like for yourself.  A spiritual axiom I guess.   I thought the best thing I'd wish for you  freedom from sadness and self loathing.  So, then now I am less sad and don't have the loathing of self as much as I did.  Maybe it works. And Maybe I am just too affected in ways to be sad and down on myself.

What causes waves of very cold, clammy skin, yet very warm hands?  That's the herald of a front, so to speak; like cirrus clouds.

Time to Get Something Done

The bizarre physical thing prevented me from doing much work today.  2 hour long attacks.   Blablabla.
Tests are needed to rule out implants placed by aliens, too sexy for my shirt syndrome, and outright  psychotic delusions and hallucinations.

It is highly unlikely that allergy is actually at play.  Just don't accidentally spill a glass of water all over the front of your shirt.  If if you are clever enough to keep spare shirts in your car.  You will find the attack comes within minutes.

Maybe we'll get some response from the medical world. Sold stocks in anticipation of costly tests.  Desperate measures for desperate times.  This is rendering me unable to work or get anything much done.  Anything that involves labor and such. I can read and write without such likelihood of setting off a flare up.

Yesterday it interfered with playing music after a short while of playing.  Had to hide most of the time.  And pace.  Pacing is necessary for coping at those times.

I'm not sure I'd chance a shower right now if you paid me $500.   If you paid $5000, I probably would; knowing I'd curse myself for doing it for the next couple of hours.

It's a challenge, but when I try I can usually get things done.  We'll see.  Ever know a doctor, lawyer or airline pilot whose ego was such that they could see it when you were right and they needed to alter their view?     I haven't noticed that but I used to be a pro at making them think my idea was their idea.   may have lost my touch.  I think they know what I'm up to these days, so they double down on their arrogant efforts to make life unpleasant for people like me.  Bless their hearts..  That's my token of peace.  I'm in no shape to be fighting battles with people or institutions.  I try