More Mush Thoughts

Since making the decision to change everything so that my life felt like something other than an inward apology for breathing the air, creating a Gorish (Al) carbon footprint, I've learned a lot which sheds light on the past. Much of it is just definition which I probably knew deep down anyway. It's technical and few people would understand or be interested. It helps to realize certain things. It makes effective compensation a lot easier.

At points in my history I have noticed, and friends have sometimes commented, that people tend to treat me rather well. I've had my share of betrayers in one way or another but that's not a big issue. Most of the time it isn't so hard to see if you open your eyes. Certainly it is not as noteworthy as the better treatment. I'm somewhat spoiled in that way if I take in the big picture over the years. I've had to learn lessons over and over for reasons unrelated to how others behave. It is not so much their fault. I just didn't know what was what. People will be how they will be.

The subject came up in conversation last night that in general people tend to treat me rather well. My friend commented that she'd noticed that. It just seems to happen. At times it irks acquaintances or bystanders in my life. That's when trouble ensues.

I think I used to feel bad for getting special perks in that way to please those who resent such things. Mistake. Anyone who resents affection or kindness because they aren't the target is a nincompoop. I like to see good things come to good people. And there are a lot of good people.

There does seem to be an inner thing which requires maintaining for continuity of the good luck to exist. I don't know, maybe it is that SoCal new age mojo getting to me. I don't really think so, though. It's probably easier to think things are OK if you don't feel like there are a myriad of requirements from life, or for life to be OK. There are a few more changes I'd like, additions and subtractions to what is, but overall I have to say I feel more enthusiastic about waking up in the morning as time goes on. I've got plenty I could panic over, but for some reason that feels unacceptable. It's just as easy to be kind of content. I paid the rent again, and that is one of the things that makes me happy.

Separating true needs from wants and putting the wants in the gravy category puts a good perspective on things. Right now I have what I need and more. I'd like even more of the gravy but it would be bratty to decide I can't be happy without it. It's quite a wonder I'm even alive considering how many close calls I've had. They've not been health related, just the sort of thing you generally don't survive. Several were obvious and dramatic.

Oh well. Tennis has unexpectedly caught my fancy. I think I'll learn to play well enough to beat my friends. Or at least hang in with people over 50 or so. Next year it's going to be snow boarding. And we have to get some sort of kayaking or small cat sailing in there too. That's all gravy.

Other more interesting items in the gravy column are expected, but not demanded. This last however many months--9?--has been kind of magical. It makes me think more is at play in life than meets the eye.