Dreaming, the Nerve

Although I'm assuming those, who wake up every day in tax paid comfort wondering how they can fight to make the little nobody's life better today, consider me among the poor downtrodden retches, I find more solace when I find a glimmer of hope to make something happen myself. Partly because my daydreams of productive adventure do not include special ID, waiting in line, or asking permission.

Interesting psychology in that dynamic; "I'm fighting for every hopeless, miserable son of a bitch out there numbing his mind with booze and TV". There is that implication that the one thinking so intently about the plight of the little people is a superior being. Maybe even a God.

Well, I began to envision possibilities again. They may or may not work. Only one way to find out. Half the time, attempting to achieve one goal ends up resulting in a different end altogether, as adjustments along the way change the course. It can be better than plan A. The only way to determine if the goal is attainable or not is to go for it, given that a little forethought has gone into the scheme.

The main ingredient needed to launch an idea is nerve. I think I lost the will to force myself to call on The Nerve a long time ago. I've never really accepted that I would always live in a state of surrender, though. But I haven't quite been willing up until now. I'm not sure if I'm willing to let go of the inhibition at this point. In my dreams I am, and that feels much better than no picture of it at all.

The projects I actually think of aren't really the ones I describe to others. Those may hold some interest, but they aren't the ones in the dreams which feel more liberating, fun, and in sync with my nature.

It feels good to see a course of action which could pay off to some extent, and which may actually be possible. The steps toward it are fairly straight forward. I love it when I can see the way, even if I wonder where I'll get the time and energy.

Somehow that talk of fighting for me seems at odds with the creative process of finding a way to thrive. The mental state it takes to want people you don't even know to wake up thinking how they can control your life in ways they think you want is one of deep depression. It is no wonder it is easier to say, "I'm lost and I'll never be otherwise" than it is to say, "I think I have a plan and it's just crazy enough in might work. I may yet thrive". People view the thriver with resentment and/or suspicion, and the one who's spirit is broken with relief and gratitude. Like family. It's like we've become conditioned to believe we are supposed to have no spirit, and that trying to regain it is futile.

Admittedly the deck is heavily stacked against rebirth and revival of will, but it is probably possible. I hope so.

Just thinking. And it did feel good to muse over possible paths and opportunities again. I'd just come off a jag of fear and loathing. The battle is always between freaking out over my lack of security, what I don't have, can't do, and what is good, what I do have and can do. I'm of the belief that if I keep putting the idea of being some benefit to people who matter up on the front burner, things will be OK. It's a balance, and you never really know when you are a benefit, even though you may think you know. It pays to keep a pure heart. Those times when you think it doesn't always come back to haunt you.

If you make sense out of that then I'm surprised and happy.