Dumb as a Post

That could have many meanings in this venue.

I'm not sure if it is dimwittedness or uncertainty generated fear that causes some of my better moments; those semi catatonic instances when I am totally blank and dull, yet odd word combos are sent into the world from my vocal cords anyway.

For example--forget it, I won't detail the latest. Suffice to say a discussion of lawn mowers and weather stripping was about the last thing that made any sense in the context.

I have to write to get it out of my system. I'm timing the work day so that I have time to do what I need to do and don't get home until dark. That's the way of it. Why I am so clouded over, I am not sure. Apparently it is how this organism is wired.

I'm testing the pros and cons of a 3 day beard. Pros---it is simpler than shaving. Cons---being mostly gray, I look like the corner wino. Pro--looking like the corner wino, it wouldn't seem out of place to hit people up for a dollar outside the convenience store, or at intersections.

Conclusion---I better shave it off. Besides, when I had a non gray beard, as much fun as it can be, I missed being able to feel my face.

Pulling myself out of the fog, especially in search of enthusiasm and love of life, is an imperative, even if it is not easy. Why being fogged over and half asleep for no reason brings the spirits down, I'm not sure. It does, and it can lead to depression if I don't actively push through it. I downed a bunch of vitamins and some OJ, as well as some java. That seems to be helping.

This damned fog thing has haunted me on and off most of my adult life. There was even a time when people were seriously studying the thing. It goes a bit beyond the normal fatigue and muddiness of normal existence. Don't tell that to the arm chair neurologists I've known through the years. "Everyone feels like that". Good thing I didn't consult them that time I woke up with pneumonia. I wonder at people who are sure how everyone feels and thinks when it comes to matters which seriously impair the lives of others. They don't know.

Every time this comes over me, I notice my resentment of those I've stupidly tried to advise of the condition seems to surface. There is no simple way to frame it and I guess I only do it so they don't think it is a matter of like or dislike or an affront to be taken personally. I've discovered it is better to avoid people or just let them take things personally because the alternative always results in me thinking they think I am weak, which I probably am not.

I want to somehow not have those resentments any more. For one thing, it does nothing toward dissolving the fog, and for another, resentments are bad for your health; physical, mental, and spiritual. Better to seek to understand than to be understood. That is absolutely a key toward not being bummed out all the time. I don't even understand myself, how can I want or expect it from others? Accepted may be a different story. I'd like acceptance, even though I probably accept myself less than is prudent.

That almost covers things enough that I can clearly move forward with the day. The main thing that I think is rolling through my subconscious is the idea that I get tired of being alone but fear not being alone, even though that is really stupid. It is only when I am alone that such forces are at play. Not something to even consider purposely. Let it roll through, observe, and resist forming an opinion or fueling it one way or the other.

Where am I going to put all this stuff? There is too much to put under the bed and much of it won't fit anyway.

I've got to find a way to rent the movie Cadillac Records. I saw the beginning and it is killer. All about Chess Records, Muddy Waters and Little Walter. LW is often considered the best blues harp player ever, and he was only 17 when he got hooked up with Muddy. Just from what I saw, I could tell the music in the flick is stellar, and the cast superb.

Another time I may relay the events which led me to the discovery of the flick. It was one of those peculiar days in my life which lead me to cross paths with people in unexpected ways.