Maybe It Is Just Laziness

Maybe, but more likely it is the confusion that comes when reason meets conventional wisdom and other well worn lies. It's the same sort of thing that causes people who have it all to trash it for gutter snipes and the like. Then they go to sex rehab in AZ.

I don't think these things are the result of overactive libido or much else other than the internalizing of what many sources tout as fun and upllfting. Possible interpretation of peer views regarding things that boost ego. Some are more susceptible to nonsense than others. I stand guilty of that much of my life, even if not quite in the same way as these famous rich nincompoops, whose names are unimportant. We know who they are.

If only the clash left me rich and driven like it does some. Instead I remain somewhat frozen. For decades now, I remain. And I go back and forth with cigarettes. Such a dumb thing. Then again, the general reaction to it is even dumber. I'll handle it. At least I find the lozenges useful. What happened? I was quit for long periods at a time.

Nothing happened. I just don't know what I want out of life, or for my life. I can't form the mental picture, even though I believe the solo life with minimal interaction is not healthy. Besides people look at you (or I imagine they do) and think, "hmmm...it's the quiet loners who usually do those crazy crimes". But, I don't. Really. I'm just frozen much of the time. And at the same time, I have it pretty good.

I have friends who know what they want yet have almost none of it. That leaves them in a bad space. Deep down I think I believe I can get what I want to materialize, should I know what it is I want. Maybe I am actually content to some degree but feel guilty because I think I should not be content. The lack of drama is a good thing, in my book.

It is all luck on my part. Without the kindness of strangers and friends, no telling where I'd be. On a good day I'm able to prove useful to some degree to those same people. That is always a relief. Half the time you want to be useful or helpful and it is all for naught.

I saw a vulture fly off carrying what appeared to be the remains of a snake. Either that or it was a healthy length of intestine from a unit of road kill. I saw no evidence of that so the snake gets my vote. It was an unusual sight. The thing flew up right in front of me as I was driving on a slow curvy road out there. Could be an omen of some kind. Probably foretells great fortune and a magnificent love life.