Character Flaws Start At Home

Once again I have to face the fact that I have allowed myself to be something other than the man I think I should be. It is stupid and I have no explanation why I am as I am, and why this has been something which has followed me on and off for years.

It's the damned clutter/mess build up issue. I leave places in as good or better shape than I find them, yet while there I seem to become overwhelmed by my own mess and clutter. Damned if it hasn't happened again.

The result is that I never invite anyone over, and I hide like a scared mouse from the landlord. In my case, I am renting a cottage from very nice people. Yet I think I feel I have somehow violated a trust because this place is a total clutter fest---boxes, papers, containers not yet opened and sorted from the move two years ago, lost plates in the mess, empty water bottles and I don't know what. I've been here before. Too ashamed to let anyone in, and too befuddled to fix it until there is no choice.

Now there is no choice. Mr R wants to paint the front porch and posts in front--TOMORROW. Painting the wood stoop may mean actually opening the door. Yikes!!! He is a naturally neat type. His carport workshop is orderly, a place for all and all in its place. Cars are always immaculately clean. Woe is me.

So...I have hatched a plan.

Since I am not quite as steeped in fear of fellow humans as I was a few years ago in Memphis, and Greensboro before that, I'm not so paralyzed.

I will move all these containers to the back deck, move the myriad of trash to trash bags, maybe even opening an unopened piece of mail or two, I will then be able to see the floor which can be vacuumed. I will start at about 3AM, in case I don't feel like doing it this minute.

Then I can deal with whatever is in the containers, consolidate, reject the needless, donate the worthy, and become somewhat organized. It is not that damned complicated but of all the things in life it is by far the most painful of tasks to me. I find dealing with power outages and hurricane damage less taxing.

This personal weakness is one reason I never bitch about who works and who doesn't. I merely focus on the fact that no one has the right to steal or demand support from others. If that landed me in the woods the so be it. I'd love to be able to blame THE MAN for my shortcomings, or my race, or the fact that I'm not gay, but I cannot.

We shall overcome. This is the perfect opportunity to get moving on with life. All my nearly baked and half baked schemes and plans rely on this clutter dissolution anyway. It is a sign.

So is the ambivalence about certain work in the wonderland place where I earn most of my money. Hedge your bets, young man!! That is what message I hear loud and clear. I'm particularly impressed that the Powers That Be call me "young" man.