Haunted and Daunted; but not a goner yet

Today I wonder if anything I think makes sense is even remotely valid What haunts me is hard to define, and harder to shake. It could be I am only capable of being a serf. If someone isn't telling me what to do, I have no assigned function, I tend to flounder like a kite when the string breaks. That goes against my entire belief system.

On the other hand, when I am in the feudal mainstream, I find myself often at odds, at least internally, with the decisions, ethics and methods of the ruling entity. Not out of pure oppositional disorder, but based on reason, beliefs and my view of practicality. So, why, when there are no real barriers against taking steps toward self created endeavors do I lose confidence?

Maybe it is easier to be critic than creator because you have a clear starting point. Easier to improve upon a thing than to dream it up from scratch, I guess.

That leads me to wonder if freedom is really the comfortable condition for most of humanity. Maybe most people are not suited for freedom. Just basing it on my own difficulties, and from observing what goes on around me. People like to find some thing to which to be be loyal, obedient. The value and wisdom of such loyalty is a secondary concern, if a concern at all. Just look at it.

It is not uncommon for people to get violent over someone not supporting their sports team. They will also become violent over someone questioning the union's policies, or even their company's practices. The list of ways to choose a team for attaching loyalty is endless. That need for a tribal allegiance even works in the gang mentality. Maybe especially in gang mentality.

One thing all those things do is provide a prescribed belief and behavior. It matters not if there is a point. Really, why would it be worth fighting if I go to Green Bay and say I am not fond of the Packers? (I actually like the Packers--just an example. Call off the hit men). It's fun to pull for a team, but in practice these things go over the line. It s encouraged--blind loyalty based upon something other than actual values or substance. If gives some framework for knowing what to do at any given moment. Doesn't matter if there is a good point. You get a reward, however vague or small.

That's why, if you've been conditioned to cooperate and be obedient, you may find it much easier to be an employee rather than an employer or self employed. Maybe there is a legitimately elite class who are destined to rule, and the rest of us are just not capable of running our own lives. When I look at what I assume to be personal under achievement, I wonder if trying to fight this fact and the fact that I am not likely to escape the mentality of serf have not created great harm and sadness in my life.

Maybe I just have one foot in the conditioning and one in the mentality of self actuated endeavor, and the only hope is to shake one of those mentalities completely. As it is, they clash and leave me stifled, stagnant and ready to cash it in and give up.

Must be a vitamin deficiency.