Now I See

It is clear to me that, had I not quit drinking long ago, I would be hopelessly drunk these days. It is a good way to ignore and reinforce dysfunction, and lack of ability to be productive in civilization as we know it.

It is still easy to lose in friendship and love, but not as bad as it could be. I'd like to feel at ease using something to alter reality. Unfortunately, in my case it just won't work and I'd be hugging a bottle under a dumpster somewhere before long.

So, other options must be sought. I look back and think, "If only that day had turned a differently. If I'd just not done this or done that. I almost had a handle on the vague plague which follows me." Obviously, that kind of thinking yields no good.

There are people who offer very loyal and nurturing friendship. In some cases I find it hard to accept because I always feel like I should be doing something or have achieved something more before I can be comfortable associating and socializing. This stuff is driving me nuts. I'm pretty sure it is damned stupid and represents a very skewed view of reality.

Not sure what brought this on. I wonder if there is some kind of cycling thing or just a death wish slowly playing out. To be the victor over this garbage would be a major achievement. I like happy endings. That helps me refuse to admit to an outlook of total pessimism, even if that may have taken over my self assessment. It helps a little.

I'll bet a program of running up and down this winding dirt road would help. It is rather steep, and sometimes I'd have to contend with dogs or coyotes, and rarely rattle snakes. Snakes don't bark and chase you, and it is cool enough a lot of the time, that they're unlikely to be very active.

Or a big earth quake or massive tsunami might facilitate conditions in which I have historically been at my best. Those are times when money and status do no good. Just the ability to make things better with bits and pieces at hand. I can do it when others need something after a disaster, but for myself while civilization is running as normally as it ever does, I freeze in place.

Maybe I should not include this information should I ever need to provide a resume.