Questions I Ask Myself-sometimes

Within the context of still being the person that I am, what would be my heaven on earth? What would I change about my daily life?

The crazy thing is that, even when I am deep in the blues, I have a hard time picturing what I would change about my world, probably because most changes I try to think would be good are within my power to influence--if I am brutally honest with myself about it.

I'm not referring to impossible things like, oh I'd have the dream wife and seven kids. That is not too likely to happen and you don't need to be having kids at this age. I mean realistic heaven within the context of my present state of existence. That wouldn't discount the dream mate. No more than I know, and judging from the track record, I wouldn't know the dream mate if she bit me somewhere nice.

If I indulge the common fantasy of winning the big lottery, considering what I'd do with that bundle of money, my first thought is usually how to enhance someone else's life without the cash ruining their perspective and character. People always say they know what they'd do if the money fell on them, but I don't know if they realize it wouldn't make them better all by itself, and it may not be the easy street they think. That is why so many lotto winners wind up worse off than they were after only a few years. No question that financial security is a huge relief compared to being broke.

When I think of myself in that context I realize that to do it right, I'd need to change some habits and behavior. Then it hits me that there is no logical reason why I have to wait for the heavens to drop a chest of gold at the foot of my bed in order to affect those changes. That is how I kid myself. Even though I thought I was beyond it, obviously there are still some "if only x then I would Y" floating around in my mind.

The truth is, if I really wanted to be able to help myself and others monetarily, I could do the work, overcome the fear, and do things which are more likely to bring substantial income. I am not doing my best in that regard.

Perhaps what limits my ability to actually decide how I want things to be, what would make me feel the most fulfilled and worthwhile, is fear of one color or another. That is a tough pill to swallow since it is not hard for the mildly creative to find a million reasons why I am how I am, where I am, and even a victim who could be so much more, if only everything in the world or just this country fell my way. The righteous way.

Changing any pattern of behavior is a bitch. That does not make it impossible.
At least I hope not. The path of least resistance for me is often dysfunctional, and ultimately the path of least contentment, fulfillment and reward.

Not to worry. We shall prevail.