Thinking Again: part N(2)X

Too bad I don't have mathematical symbols on this keyboard. Then I could use that summation symbol, show exponents and integrals. And maybe even remember what they mean.

It is difficult for me to maintain a sense of what I'm doing. On the one hand I care about being a good influence on people and life, in general. On the other, if I think I do have any influence, it worries me a lot. I doubt I can ever live up to a good opinion. I'm a slacker, I think. Not a reason for being hated or run out of town, but that should disqualify me from having the slightest influence.

Over the years I have done a good job at avoiding situations which could influence anyone. No one gets too close for too long. I live miles away and never have company. I wanted to change that, but my fear of company snuck back into my psyche somehow.

Nothing I would like better than to have things in order, regularly have people around, and behave like the philanthrope that I am. I'm also a philogynist.

Isn't it ridiculous that more people know what a misogynist is, than know what a philogynist is? I think more people love women than not, yet the term for the opposite is all you hear. That is because what you hear does not reflect the pulse and heart of humanity, but rather the lies of those who would, for some absurd reason, want to control humanity. More information is put out with intent to manipulate than intent to inform. I have sadly grown to be of that opinion.

Would you want to be the supreme ruler of the world? Not me, and I wouldn't want you or anyone else to hold that title. It is odd that some people would want that.

Of course I do want to be the supreme ruler of my own life. Even if I do not want to influence others in some scary way, I don't want my life to be their responsibility either.

That influence thing is a tough one. I don't mind being an influence if it means someone lives a great happy life and cures the ills of the world.

But what if, due to something involved with knowing me, a person moves to some city, then that place gets flooded or overrun with lava from the volcano, and the poor person perishes?
Then I'll feel like they shouldn't have met me.

Probably happens all the time. I wonder how many are now one with volcanic ash due to my existence. A sobering thought.