Walk or Run?

My brother told me, about the time I left on my wandering drive, that all the remnants of my nuclear family and his offspring, etc. were hitting the Keys for Christmas at his place. I figured, OK, well they usually don't book cheap flights that far in advance so I'll wait awhile. Both nephews reiterated that this was the year everyone was heading south for the holidays. I hate to commit money far in advance of the service sought.

Holy smoke!! I checked flights and they are not the super bargains I had hoped. The cheapest one has me returning at 3 A.M. from Fort Lauderdale airport. All the cheapest flights go to Ft Lauderdale rather than MIA. We are used to that from years past, and I am not the only one who flew in there.

I guess I'll bite the bullet, pull yet more of my dwindling savings out and arrange to get there. Part of me starts feeling quite separate from my brother and my nephews, and certainly their wives and may-as-well-be wives. It doesn't take much because I feel like a failure and a fraud.

The odd thing is that the fraud part is because I pretty much threw the fight. I did not have to lose. It goes back a long way when that started, but it was mostly because I felt bad and guilty for the shortcomings and difficulties of those around me and didn't want them to hate me for winning. So, I learned how to lose in style. It became a habit that I can't change. Doom is always the imperative and dark goal.

The discomfort and feeling of being an outsider, misguided as that may be, causes me to feel like I have to show up just because one should face the fear head on. The worst it could do is kill me, and that would not be a big deal.

The cost of flying is almost as much as driving. It is still cheaper to fly, I guess. The thing I hate is having to book so far out and having no refund. Southwest is not the cheapest way at this point. At least they don't just pocket your money and forget it. You can get full credit of what you paid toward any other flight, whenever. They are so much better to deal with than anyone else.

I'm still not sure about booking. I guess I'll work every angle tonight and do something, even if it is wrong. You'd think this constant state of moroseness would kill a person by now or age the hell out of him. Maybe it is and I just don't know it.

At least I wrote a little more in my book. It probably sucks, but that is too bad. Lots of books in the library, on the book shelves and in Kindle suck big time. And many f them sell. Someone got them out on the market. I'm assuming that the books which suck but aren't in-your-face ripoffs which took little effort and involved no real talent are the ones most easily lost in the rejection world.

Ever see those books that try to be funny but really seem to be saying, between the lines, "You are paying for total tripe here because I'm an allegedly cool celebrity"? When you compare the effort and work involved in one of those with a good novel, or even a friggin romance novel, you wonder how they charge even half the price.

My book will get written, and that may be the end of it. It may not be as good as the worst pandering semi-funny piece of tripe but it will be mine and between the lines it will be telling lots of people to screw off, and lots of people to hold their heads high and take no prisoners.