Maybe I Am Just Weak

Sometimes I wonder what could have been the reason for habits that don't do much toward building a constructive life. It is possible that the wrong input at the right time can short out basic logical processes in the mind, I don't know.

But then I look around and see people who decided they ought not do drugs, or alcohol, or smoke, and they just quit or tone it down to a non-damaging level. For me to quit the most destructive substances was a huge ordeal, and then I hadn't a clue how to live a productive life, just how to be a little less dangerous to myself and others. Why did I go that path to begin with? I never did think it was all that cool. Maybe I thought that was the way to easy women, or women of any kind. Obviously, I didn't give it much in depth thought.

Then there is the matter of smoking. Eventually I quit for several months, then started back, then quit for days at a time, and started back, then for close to a year, and started back. Why would I do that? It hinders your ability to breathe, makes you unattractive in many ways, and is illegal almost everywhere in California. OK, that last one is probably a reason to smoke. Just so I can blow it at the damned Bolshevik busy bodies who can't live and let live.

Even so, it is not good. I wonder if it is because I am weak that I A) indulged in addictive things to the point of being addicted, B)couldn't just decide to stop and go on with life without a lot of trouble and confusion.

One thing I've never wanted to be is weak. It is annoying to consider that maybe I am. I guess I know the reason I've been alcohol free for 25 years is not due to any strength, as near as I can tell. I quit because I was down and out and had nothing else to do, and someone suggested a way out that wasn't all that painful. If it had required strength, I'd be screwed.

When I look at the total creeps, jerks and communists who have been able to quit smoking without much evident difficulty, it shames me.

Buddy Rich, the late drummer, whom I respected and liked, just made the snap choice and never smoked again. Why was he stronger than I am? I cannot accept this calmly.

I wonder if I can will myself into no longer being a weakling. I'm seriously considering it.