When It Comes Down To It

Seriously, I realize I trust no one when it comes to a certain sort of thing. Well, mostly women I guess. Not the kind of trust one might think. But whether you understand what I mean or not, I do not have it.

All I want to do is back off, withdraw, and leave any emotion to others. I honestly cannot indulge emotions. And I certainly am not going to entertain disappointment or possible psycho stalker lunacy. Amazing that such insanity occurs over the age of 15, let alone 40 or 50. Perhaps the internet has promoted a type of valueless immaturity due to the disassociation between action and consequence, coupled with the idiotic support of online pals.

Or just the culture that has developed in which it is OK to violate confidences if someone has not done what you want, or rejected you in some way. It is a sick and vindictive victim mentality. Anyway, I have found it isn't that tough to find such sickos. The justification is that you are a no good bastard who must be pursued to the ends of the earth to be tortured into admitting that hell spawn lady was right, or you just don't understand, or who knows what.

Then, when you do find a person who matches exactly what your idea of the perfect dame for you is, you realize you've let your life go to hell to the point that you can't in good conscience seek to involve that person too closely in your life. It wouldn't be fair because you have virtually nothing to offer. It is not right to drag someone down. It is not fun to realize it when you simply aren't on the level you need to be in order to seriously seek partnership or some such thing.

Temporary fling is not bad. It is simply best to understand that you have nothing better to offer, and that the point of diminishing returns, in your case, is just at that point. Anything more than a temporary infatuation is a huge mistake. Bad for the goose and bad for the gander. All this is true if you are me, anyway.

It only goes down hill and leaves the smitten sorely disappointed, and forces me to be acutely aware of my deficiencies which prevent deep and lasting cohabitation, or anything even close to that. I become grossly embarrassed and hide out.

I keep hoping I can change the facts regarding the truth of me, and knowing me. I'm not too sure I can do it in time, but at least I can make things a little better.

Remember way back when I lived in Memphis and I said I'd pay you to shoot me? The offer has never officially been rescinded. You are welcome to come shoot me. However, I won't help you. But if it wasn't my fault, and it was unexpected, I don't think it would be too big a problem for family or friends. It would certainly save a lot of failure, and all the trouble I go to pretending I don't care.