heartbreak continued

The last post neglected the heartbreak part.   Typically, the writer of that post wandered off into the weeds, and before it was over, it was way to long of a post.

The heartbreak theme came to me when I was contemplating the ones that got away, and the fact that I both allowed and condoned such a turn of events.  Being me is an odd proposition.

I figure if I cannot make myself less of a risk, can't make myself more available, then how can I encourage anyone I really care about to put their eggs in this basket?   I can't if I am to maintain any integrity as I see it.

However, I have faith that one of these days the tables will turn and I'll know I've encountered the person whose best interests coincide with mine, and I won't feel guilty encouraging the commitment.

Most of the time I really don't care.  I do enjoy knowing that some people are happy and doing well, even if it sometimes causes me to see my own deficiencies which then generates that little pang of heartbreak.

I don't think the heartbreak is over any person, but over whatever it was in my life that compels me to somehow deny my own existence to the point that I feel honor bound to drive away the people I most want close.  I'm speaking of women here.  But I guess I keep everyone at more than arm's distance.

I break my own heart.  But I am OK with that, and doubt it is a thing that can't improve.  It has improved by shades over the past five years or so.