Stepping off the Edge

There is a theory that lots of people who end up lost in some form of insanity actually know at which moment they finally gave up and gave in. I'm not talking about those who do harm or anything, just those who let go of their grasp of reality and whatever combats depression and that sort of thing.

I think there may be something to that. Most of my life has been spent trying to jump back on board. I can pinpoint more than one instance which represented one of those decisive moments. The periods of time when progress was made were never easy or natural. It was a hell of a fight the whole way.

It is not encouraging that I have been so long bogged down during this last stretch. Knowing it is all about decisions helps. Why deciding the on the constructive route, and following it, would be any more difficult than the alternative is a mystery. In the long run, not doing what you know is best takes a lot more out of you. It leaves one progressively more tired, lacking passion, pride, or much of anything that a person should have.

Some of those pivotal moments are more significant than others. But the consequences can be long lasting. I sure am continuing to feel the results. It takes small little victories and perseverance to affect reasonable change. I didn't get here by accident. It was the result of both the times of giving up, and the times of climbing back on board.

It was lucky that I climbed out of the mud when I did, to the extent that I did. Now, I have let myself slide back into directionless trouble. I have decisions to make, and I am deciding not to give up. Why is it so tough to just put it all in order and move ahead with whatever seems best? It doesn't matter why, I suppose. Just bust on through.