Flip Flop

Maybe I have finally lost it, or found it, or neither.

Suddenly I realized that I need pressure.  I need to be told, loosely, but not all that loosely, what to do.  Make it look like I am self supervising, but present impossible tasks and problems to be solved yesterday with just about 72% of the resources normally required to get the job done.  That is my best element.

So, this obviously means that I do need the elite to run my life from a distance.   Good thing I didn't send in any of my official election ballots, or copies.  I may vote the complete opposite of what I had in mind.

Who needs freedom when they only waste it?  I have been so blind.   No, the people who mysteriously "fight" for my class, and my future deserve my vote and a big piece of any money I may make.  Or if I don't make any, they will help me out.  The point is that I wouldn't even know what fighting for the middle, left, or right class is, so how could I ever do it myself?

Maybe it is upper and lower rather than left and right.  Middle must be the best one because that is the one everyone is talking about.

No way this is working.  I need a crazy high pressure job with incompetent crooks at the levels above me and I need no time to be confused and think about these class fights, or fighting for class.   Whatever it is.

Many times I try to write what is really going on or what I fear or what I think, but I can't do it.  There is a barrier to that.  I can't really tell the truth.  Sometimes I hint, but then I wonder what is really the truth.

I think I'll catch some sun out east of here tomorrow to try to heal this dread illness which has lasted almost a week.  It has improved daily since maybe wed. or thurs.  Tues was the worst and wed. wasn't good.

My biggest fear is that I will never change.  I really hate to waste the little time there is, and I think I will because that is the only thing I am good at, wasting wealth in any form; money, intelligence, connections, talent, anything.

That means freedom is wasted on me, so I will now become one of the neo-bolsheviks and people will like me and I can make snarky comments to shoot down philosophical points rather than try to use reason. And I can blame all the happy people for making me sad and lonely.