Somehow I Doubt George Washington, or even Jesus Would Be Down With It

I thought it was some kind of bizarre joke, or maybe a viral rumor.  Something along the lines of gerbil play or the Venus Butterfly.  I was wrong.

It wasn't fiction.  But before I get to that, am I the only one who thinks that many, maybe most, activities which come under the umbrella of "raising awareness" are pure nonsense?   Cancer awareness?  Is there anyone who is unaware of cancer?

So, it is true; there are hundreds of guys taking selfies on instagram or somewhere wearing only a sock. One sock.  They called it cocks in socks I think.  To raise awareness for testicular cancer.  Come on.

It just seems a little off kilter.  Somehow I can't fathom Geronimo or even Leonardo Da Vinci swinging a tubesock to raise awareness.  I could be wrong, I guess.

Oh it is a good cause!!!  Great.  Do socks cure cancer?  These guys just get off on doing the photos and all that.  The "raising awareness" and "good cause" gibberish is feel good bunk.  You want an excuse to indulge exhibitionist desires and pretend it is some selfless act of courage.

I don't care if people do these things.  It is the rubbish they coat it in while trying to promote it to the public and grab attention that I find disingenuous and annoying.  We do so much pretending.

Own up!  You like running around wearing only a sock.  Admit it and go on.

Every now and then the "look at me, I'm saving the world by running across the Baja naked" sort of boast needs to be called out for the weak excuse it is.

If you like running around with a sock tied around your junk, just say so.  Don't pretend you are doing it because you are a martyr saving the nuts of mankind.

File this under WTF.  They say the only constant is change.  I'd say the constant is the rate of increase of change.  It has been accelerating over time.  Zaniness must work on a formula.  Maybe deltaZ=(cT)^3.  T is time and c is the crazy constant, maybe 4.20 or something.   So in a year zaniness will change by 4.20 to the 3rd power.  Or so.

I don't know.  Work it out yourself if you want; don't expect me to be your sock puppet.  However, under the right circumstances with the right person or people, I could be talked into who knows what...

Older I get, The More Authority Worship Makes Me Sick

I have learned to ease up a bit on Facebook, aka The Devil.

Sometimes a friend or two, whom I like, posts some total bullshit from one of their collectivist, statist, bolshevik left wing insanity sites which just sends me over the edge.  I know that to say that the idea that Obama or anyone else should have control over my health wages, etc. is absurd would bring a horde of O-bots down upon me; what about Bush? You must be Bill O'Reilly! Oh you can't handle a black president, eh, racist?  You hate women! blablablabla...you know it is true.

So I will put it here.
This is the latest manipulation of statistics and gushing worship of the would be king by would be subjects who have no clue the difference between right, privilege, opportunity or entitlement.

the facebook version also says, "Thank You Obama!"  and "I love it when I wake up in the morning and Barack Obama is president!"  Barf.  You   must be kidding.  

I could see loving to wake up in the morning and have a job, an erection, a wife, all your limbs, kids, etc., but you love it because some narcissistic puppet is president?  Why?  You are nuts.  You think he wakes up in any way happy for you?  No, he wakes up with the same thought you have, "I'm so glad I'm president.  I can do anything I want,  and fly all over in a big jet and play golf with Tiger.  Hang with Beyonce, do selfies with the Danish chick and go on Letterman whenever I like.

No idea where they get these stats.  As far as consumer confidence, I am  a consumer and I had no confidence in this neo-bolshevik dickhead in Jan 2009 and none now.  

I am not making more money now, but all my expenses have gone up.  I have no more love of this statist narcissist than I did for the bolshevik-lite crowd he replaced.  

They both administered a bailout which managed to redistribute wealth from the taxpaying public to a select group of companies and billionaires.  No one even knows where much of the money went, which they acknowledged at the time.  In that regard, they are transparent--they have no respect for the public--"we'll pass it and then you can see what the law demands of you"

If you think the same outfit that brought you the draft in the 60's, the war on drugs (i.e., war on the 4th amendment), the TSA, lack of protection against force and fraud, declining quality of eduction with more dollars spent, an incredibly high incarceration rate, the NSA and more regulations than anyone can imagine, is the best source for your well being and happiness, then we live in alternate universes.

They won't even protect some people close to the border from foreign invasion.  There are ranchers in AZ who aren't safe in places on their own land because of invading, rude, and violent people trespassing from Mexico, and if they take matters into their own hands, they get fried by this government. 

These authority worshipping zealots seem to believe in nobility, and seek a human to worship.  I am just not made for that and would have been fine with others praying to puppets had they left me alone.  

The healthcare debacle is not an improvement in my case.  It is an intrusion.  I'm not being left to live in peace.  They are the government and they are here to help, ready or not.

Forced dependence is the result for some of us unless we say, No, and throw up our middle finger, which is what I must do, because it is right.  Otherwise I would cost you money, and  I do not want your ill gotten gains and your bullshit intrusion into my affairs.  the end

Then again, I may work the system for all it is worth like most people.  

How many are not either on government contract or government paycheck or subsidy in one form or another?  I'd say a majority are on some form of tax money.   And that is why the snowball just keeps on growing.  

Principles are easily erased with money.  It doesn't take much.  If someone wants to pay you a few hundred for a hammer, what do you care if they took the money from other citizens at gunpoint?  Just doing your f'ing job!

It would be OK, but many individuals are wrongly steamrolled, persecuted, killed, ruined in one way or another, because of the "greater good", "just doing my job", misguided regulation, "oops, wrong address given to the SWAT team", etc.  

When government is God, and people can't resist intruding on the lives of others, limits are not placed and enforced, and it gets out of control like now, and it only gets worse as long as people keep suckering for little perceived gains which pique their greed.  And perceived penalties to others which satiate their envy.

East County under siege?

The reason I didn't take a picture is because I did not want to end up being another in the growing number of people shot, tazed, maimed and murdered by police for no good reason.  They were all dressed up and hell if I was going to be their date to the prom.

As I was driving through Lakeside, on the way to Rancho Santa Fe, I noticed a brand new armored personnel carrier beside me with a sheriff logo on it.  Behind that was some kind of war vehicle, and assault car that looked like a tank with wheels.  It said "POLICE" in gigantic letters.

I know the front one was a personnel carrier because it was loaded with grinning cops all decked out with military style flak jackets and paraphernalia hanging off everywhere, with mean looking rifles and such. The mini tank behind them, being a tank, you couldn't see inside.

unable to find photos of identical vehicles, but close

Unless the sheriff and police plan to declare war on the locals, they really have no need for military assault vehicles and all the ultra special forces gadgets.  Having them causes  certain type of person to want to use them, in the worst way.  That certain type of person pretty much fits the profile of 99% of police people.  This means they will invent excuses and do what police all over the country have been doing--indulge in overkill, which is often fatal, an unnecessarily so.

The typical cop support claim--"these men and women risk it all every time they go to work".  I would say citizens risk their lives every time they allow these Rambo wannabes to go to work.  I don't have the stats but I'm pretty sure more people get dead by cop than cops get dead by civilians.  And I think that holds if you rule out the terminally rowdy and clear undoctored cases of a cop acting in self defense.  They claim a lot of self defense when someone looked lethal, or they were threatened with  wallet, unresponsive deaf people, TV remotes, and the like.

yeehaw!!!

War on drugs, war on "terra", and now I guess the veil has dropped and it is just a war on us.

I B Belmondo part uno

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Maybe Later the Movie Will be Made

Complain complain.  That's all you do.  And if it isn't you then it is me.  I can't ignore my defective nature.  It is what allows me to be a pauper while those who are no smarter are billionaires, or just people who look at me and complain that what I think do or say is stupid.

I'm horrible at argument and debate, so they almost always win, even if they are wrong and clearly not smarter or even better.

I don't have some of the luxuries that may suit others, like anger, opium, active and/or festering resentment(we're the 99%), etc.  It could be that all that is an illusion.   I'm not too sure what to do or think.

If I'm in the right place at the right time I will make the movie trailer.  In the movie I cover almost all topics, large and small.  All things will be put in perspective.  It will be the movie that tells you where the rabbit ate the cabbage; that means it will be a big dose of reality.  Not "as I see it", but as it is.

I've been in the mood to make the film maybe fifteen times in the last three days, but never in the mood when resources at hand permitted the endeavor.  That is the obstacle.  If ever I'm in the right place at the right time, I intend to let you have it, and tell you what for on video.  You'll be sorry you ever doubted, you godless heathens and naysayers and intolerant carnivores.

This is going to be the film that sets it straight.  It'll be all 21st century wisdom, except, unlike everything else that boasts of being this century and cutting edge, it will be true and worthwhile.

If anyone ever had a question about anything, now would be the time to ask, because all questions which cross our credenza will be answered like never before, and not necessarily in that order.  I'm sure you see what  mean.  Also, now is the time, while asking and answering is still legal.   Don't laugh.  Kids get suspended from school for pointing their fingers like figurative guns.

Why would anyone who could possibly home school or get their kid in a sane private school ever go anywhere near public school?  Bunch of union brainwashed thugs with degrees, if you are lucky.  But I thought that when I was in school.

OK. All will be answered if enough questions occur to me and if I am able to hold the enthusiasm and belief in life for more than five minutes at a time.

It Ain't Easy, but why not?

Most of the confusion and stress in life, at least for me, comes with being maladapted to see how to thrive under the structure of things, as I see it.  And it may be that I never quite see it clearly.

I think the root of most inner trouble is the inability to identify assets and organize those to best purpose.  It is common to amplify fear and loathing, look at all that which is not there.  Lack of money, motivation, plan, peace, etc.  That is really stupid.  It is like not going anywhere because you don't have an airplane.  Never mind you have feet or a bicycle or a car.

Finding lack is not so difficult.  Unless you plan to find  way to supply that lack, it is really useless to occupy the mind with it.  But for some reason that is how minds like mine work if one is not careful.  Perhaps many of these seeds get planted for various reasons to do with marketing, jealousy, or other external human frailties, that tend to prey on one's internal weaknesses.

Alright.  I'm glad we had this discussion.  We'll continue on, understanding it is about the love and a trust that it is OK to be alive, even if not experiencing it however it looks like people are supposed to experience it according to movies and public service ads and government edicts.

Funny how much better things work out on this plane when I keep part of me in a sort of dream place, the one that requires some trust and faith.  That must be what is meant by keeping your head in the clouds and your feet on the ground.

But really, most little sayings like that don't make a lot of sense.  They sound good.  I see crazy things all the time circulating the internet which are supposed to be profound or soothing, but they make no sense.  Especially the ones that feed the egos of those who are constantly in denial about jumping boundaries and stepping on the toes of others.

There are things circulating that try to paint obnoxious lunatics as free spirits and full of life.  They are pushy and insane, and I can forget I have my own things to do if I let it get to me or pay much attention to such trivia.

I'm pretty sure it will be OK.  I'm equally sure I can't get away with marking time and hiding out for much longer.  I'm like a guy building a house who has everything he needs right there, but he just sits and stares hoping for rain so he has an excuse not to confront the starting point.

But I am tough, so I can overcome the things in me that are so inhibiting and fatalistic.

I have to say, that Sunday jam over at Greg's was something else.  Really good players.  And everyone was working well with everyone else.  Went through a great amp.  Maybe I should make that a habit--the amp.

But I still think  ought to be more selective about when and where I play, focussing more on other things.  Priorities and avoiding rationale for escaping my reality.  Better just do not think.  Do it or don't and shut up.

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There's Blues and then There's Blues

It always puzzled me when I'd play music, probably some sort of blues, with people who seemed to be approximating what they thought it felt like.  But then, they were thinking in terms of other "cool" guitar players or old time blues men.  I never was.

I've never been the greatest player, but  suspect I've often been the most heartfelt, tormented, passionate soul in the group.  I don't say that as necessarily a self congratulatory remark.  That is no assurance that the sound is going to be pleasing or move others.  It can move others right on out of the room to get away from the racket.

I played to get that feeling out, and go into that place where time stands still and I'm floating in the scream or whatever emotion.  It is suspended animation.  That was why I played.  Now, I'm not sure. I am more aware of good, bad and little technical things, and what everyone else ought to do, according to my taste and vision.  It used to be 100% feel and not much else.  I always had sense about not stepping on others for the most part.  Maybe I lay back too much. Maybe not.  The emotional outlet is still the deal, though.

From all the poking prodding, mri,  brain waves, etc. that were done and analyzed on me, it is clear that I probably have an electrical or chemical oddity that messes with my mood or aspect somehow.  I can be fine and almost happy in thoughts, but feel that thing you feel if you are sad and grieving.  It comes and it goes, and lately it has been a little more dynamic than usual.  Whatever usual is.

I know from experience that I do not want the miracle medicines for add, depression, narcolepsy or any other epsy.  I'm sorry I do know from experience, but glad I finally decided I'd rather deal with the fog and other such things than side effects and whatever.  It may be tougher to conform in certain ways but I'm convinced creativity is improved, and, if I can quit fighting my nature, I'll likely find my happy niche.  Or not.  Probably.  But I may die first and that will be that.

The trick, though, and the reason I mention this at all, is to find ways to mitigate these spells of sudden physical grief which leave you in a puddle of meaningless tears and blank, numb, frozen inaction.  I'm finding a couple of ingredients which seem essential and effective.  One is that I have to just go with the flow of that sense that there is something more at play in life than meets the eye.

The hip deal for academics and young know-it-alls is to accuse those who believe in a power beyond themselves and what is visible as having an imaginary friend.  So be it.  When you've been to hell more than once and ridden different trains to get there, who cares what anyone thinks.  Being laughed at sure beats that rotten dark despair that some things bring.

Some people visit hell through depression or sadness, despair and that sort of thing, just because of upbringing, environment and/or genetics and physical chemistry.  Alcohol and other substances can amplify and compound the problems to the point that they are still a tangled mess even when all those substances are long gone.

So, the trick is to find a way to believe in something, but don't expect burning bushes or seventy two virgins to come knocking at your door.  Just expect the right thing, and look for whatever that may be.  And the easiest way to do that is to put yourself in a place where you might be useful to someone else.  They need not know it.  You know when you can possibly boost the morale of another or help raise a barn or whatever it is humans do.  I avoid the conspicuous look-at-me kind of thing because I find it a little annoying and in some cases it kills the value in my mind.

Sorry.  If I really think I am doing something to cure cancer or help patients, I will do it directly one way or another. I will not wear the tee shirt and run around the block.  Fine with me if you do that, but I have had friends who directly did things which actually aided the science, developed better study methods, etc.  To describe the disgust one major player had with the big charities racket, and his horror stories regarding government involvement and the cancer society would only make you doubt the veracity of my story, or make you cynical.

I don't want to do that. If you want to walk up and down stairs and be on tv and get everyone to pay you a dollar a mile, go for it.  I am simply not wired that way.  But I think that anyone who knows me well would be fairly certain that they could call me at three in the morning from anywhere, if they needed help, and know that I would do anything in my power to help them avoid whatever disaster is at hand, even if it wipes me out.  Just don't give me a tee shirt that says I'm oh so altruistic, blablabla.

I'm not altruistic or wonderful.  I just hate to see people suffer, and I know what it is like to be in a bind. And when I can be somewhat helpful, I forget that I am in a fog and fearful of my life, sad and whatever else.  It even helps me find the humor in my own frailty and can result in a big belly laugh at my expense.  God, it feels so good when I'm talking to a confidant and we can laugh at me and my condition.  I'm very funny in some ways.  So are my friends, on good days.

They are funny because they are navigating with a muddy compass, too.  Maybe we don't share the same radical brain waves or whatever, but we still share enough of the same madness that communion is possible on various levels. That is what makes some people more suitable friends than others.

So, if you are plagued by sadness, give me a call or send me a check.  Or give people a call or visit that will be happy you thought of them.  Any contact helps.  That kind interaction with others helps the most.

Avoid people who are usually uncomfortable with you calling if you are in a possibly fragile frame of mind.  Those are hit or miss.  Wait until it won't send you into  dive or hurt your feelings if you feel like contact is an intrusion.

 You never know when you make them feel worse or better if you make contact.  And if you're battling overpowering blues yourself, you can be the worse for the effort.  There are other ways to have contact with people, and people you can be sure like hearing from you.

It is apparently a long term war, this sort of thing.  Of course it is all due to being abused and neglected by women.  I may have trouble proving that, but I enjoy putting that label on the cause anyway.  Probably because I'd love to think some wonderful woman could make me well.  But it does not work that way.  Behave in the way that is healthiest, and right--in every sense--and then maybe all that will work out.  I'm counting on it.

I'm also well aware that this phase of the ballistic tour is somewhat of a blind leap of faith from day to day, but far better than it was 6 or 7 years ago.  It depends upon how you look at things what kind of reaction you have.  I do not want to panic or go nuts any more than I can help, so I don't focus too hard on the grim aspect of my reality.  There are many things in the plus column, some of which can't be taught or bought, so that is fortunate.

The universe and all the gods and angels like me in spite of myself.  I don't think they really like everyone even though I've seen that on bumper stickers.  Probably, if you really do have some purity of heart and aren't unusually mean, they'll like you OK.  I find it tough to believe any good force likes sadists and jerks and people who tailgate in rainy weather.
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So, that is the trick.  Just quietly be in the company one way or another of someone who can use it or gives a damn or in whose presence you tend to behave like you aren't sad and lost.  They'll never have to know it is therapy and they are keeping you from jumping off a high cliff.

That is the way of it.  Make it about someone else and it will bring a little relief and even clarity.  And don't worry if you are feeling a bit mystic or spiritual and all that. Keep it a secret unless there is good reason not to.  Otherwise you do no one any good and you could lose it anyhow.

I know what I'm saying. Remember--I'm the harp player of choice for the Mormons and the Lutherans--even dead Lutherans.  And I am not officially sanctioned by or a member of any religion.  Just a peripatetic holy blues harp man.