Perhaps the Truth is Over Rated

It seems very depressing to consider describing my real life, so I think I should take time off---from what, I am unsure--and imagine how it would be if it were not depressing.  Then I will write that instead.

I should create a fantasy life and convince myself it is real.  Maybe it is possible to so convince one's self that he is living a certain life that when they come and take one away, he will never realize he has moved to a rubber room.  In his mind he is on vacation with the wife, possibly visiting his wonderful grown children and, maybe, a grandchild or two.

All this can happen if he can take time away from his many obligations involving consulting with misguided governments and others regarding water and energy solutions which do not automatically glorify a retarded or intentionally poor standard of living.  Not to mention the banquets of award and recognition.  But, family first in this life unlived.

Time to clean house, and find that weight appropriate parasail.   And perhaps the ultimate sedatives.  The truth is not that great and may not be tolerable for a whole lot longer.

Fantasy is better.  In reality, I do not want to see family, for a host of reasons which I hate to even list in my mind, silently.  So, I won't list them here.  I often think some things are of the past and not likely to ever occur again, such as Christmas with relatives and visits.  I can't do it.

I know I started out with the makings of a good person.  The boat was missed and I do not believe I fulfilled that potential.  Not the worst one ever, but not much of a good person, in reality.  Just a dunce.

And I am pretty sure they have missed much of what is making my blood so lousy I cannot even give it away.  That is almost irrelevant though.  The worst of all diseases is not living up to one's standards.  My reasons may involve believing others knew what they were talking about or not understanding sadistic jealousy, etc.  Changes nothing.  I'm just another casualty of the big pretense and some other things.  As a result, I hurt plenty of people, thinking they had no feelings or vulnerabilities.  That was very wrong.