Chapter 1052015

Just putting up posts like someone with an audience and something to say!

Well, who knows...

Not knowing if it was because of inner alarms of undefined trigger, or general anxiety about all the dead end depression, or because it just wasn't working, I canceled playing at hardrock with G and Richard Resonator.  I always like playing with Richard so I gave the trio idea for this a shot. We ran through stuff yesterday, at the ranch, and it became clear that G, who has real difficulty with the patterns of things like consistent timing structure; ex, 4/4 time and you do this for four measures, etc.  Measures will lengthen a beat or two, etc. under G's guidance.  It can be a mess.

Anyway, since they had played this stuff several times lately, G seemed more comfortable just the two of them.  That is how it seemed to me.  Richard and I wanted to play but found it hard to interact while trying to react with light speed to his unpredictable style.  Plus I was not enjoying the music.  So, it was no fun, and on the one song I did feel a little comfortable, G said I was throwing him off and wanted me to sit out.

I'd rather just play that song and go home.  Most of the others are just not me.

I gave it overnight in case I was being impulsive, then I told them it would go better without me that I felt uncomfortable with the material and wouldn't do it publicly feeling that way.

Then I hear that after the gig, G tells Richard I bailed on the gig because I don't like playing with Richard.  That is so wrong.  First, you don't disregard someone's feelings with info that is not yours to share, true or not.  But in this case it is completely false.  Opposite of true.

I have sung the praises of R.R. to everyone.  Especially after the recording studio experience for the Marine.  Richard's dobro set the feel of that whole project.  It was fantastic, and I told everyone I played with during that period how good it was etc.  So, for someone to do that is a little over the top.

Why he could not accept that I felt it wasn't working and that it was better just tow of them, I do not know.  I guess he'd have to conclude that the nature of him makes it hard for two people to back him.

This is the junior high kind of nonsense you get when you try to play music with people.   It does not get better with age, overall.  It gets worse.

It is too bad there wasn't something solid enough that we could play because we each have odd styles and play off one another real well.  It works.

It was good he called to clear the air.  He'd heard I had said good things so G's idea that I wanted to avoid him sounded off to him.  But he's like me, hanging by a thread, and doesn't need to be kicked in the gut.  In his case, I get why.  In mine, I have no idea.  But here I am, and it is getting freaky lately.  So, little things like being able to mean something on a call like that help. That is why you better keep the people around that you have.  You may not know just how great you have it until you have become the last one standing in your barren little world.

I know.  Maybe I don't know how great I have it in my barren little world, compared to where I'll be if I don't find  way to see the good and the hope and function as if I care.  It is paradoxical but I think I have to do for others in some way in order to get a handle on, or motivation to tackle, my own mess.