Maybe A Minute or Two of Good Cheer

Is living in pain really worth it?  I wonder.  It is appalling to me that officialdom has decided what relief is OK, and when people can have it.  And how much.  Imagine telling grown people, no you will just have to endure it.  I do not get that at all.  Better to be crippled with unrelenting pain than to be dependent upon substances which relieve the pain.  Really?

What are they going to do--protest?  They can hardly leave the house and are in no mood to organize or even talk to people when pain is bad enough.  But it works OK for most people and the greater good, blablabla.  The majority is fine. That is all that counts.  People are really screwed up when it comes to regulating life, and all else.

I think I may have cheered up for a couple of days.  I won't go back through whatever I wrote because that would likely bring on nausea and make it all worse.  I am not cheerful now.  I am more or less miserable, while maintaining full awareness that it could be exponentially worse.  It being my life.   Still, I can hardly do it any more.

Dec. 27 flight to Austin.  Jan 1 return.  How can I do it?  I would cancel if no money were involved. Nothing against others.  I just don't like gazing into any fragment of the mirror, and family is a fragment of the mirror.  I cannot accept who I am, how I got here, and what I am not.  Simply cannot accept it.  But apparently can't change it either.  And I am tired of this horrid isolation, even though I am often playing music here and there.

I do not even like music much.  And I am usually in pain of some kind.  So sick of that.  It is scary.  I wasted the most incredible thing anyone can experience, life.  Existence.

I won't write the two biggest mistakes that put me here.  No one really knows I guess, and few would care.  The problem is what to do and how at this point.  I'm still leaning toward the parasail.  No idea how to change everything all over again.

But I did have a glimmer of cheer for a few days.  That is something.

If one can truly believe in religion and the super natural, he has it made.  Any belief I may have must be weak because I feel no conviction.  If only I could have developed unshakeable faith before I dabbled in the dark arts of cynicism.

I see the value now.   Good place to find chicks but if you are uncomfortable around the overly religious, especially if they like to talk about it then religion is not the best place for you to find stability and refuge.

In life, those brewing and serving the koolaid are remembered, and those drinking it are just part of the body count.  Not remembered   But blind faith is bliss, and no one would know Jim Jones without the anonymous people who drank the koolaid and made it all possible.   They made him famous, so their faith and obedience were not for nothing. .

Matters of State; of mind

It is strange how the political scene can swallow your mind like a drug.  There have been times when I felt it necessary to follow it all closely, even tossing $10 here and there for one campaign or another.   I even felt a little guilty for not doing more; felt I was honor bound to stand with the true freedom fighters.  [Hint: Che was not a freedom fighter]

Lately I have backed off considerably.  Enough to know that stuff is being debated with very little good information.  Also enough to know that once you pull away, the narcotic effect of the political game wears off and you wonder how you ever were affected by it. It seems foreign, unattractive and mostly fictitious once you step back.  I guess it is no surprise that it seems to be all those things, because that is what it is.

Political matters are important because that is the process creeps use to create a police state.  It is a pandering type of a game.  Even so, I can barely stand to even acknowledge the existence of such an intrusive amoral entity.   It has not always been so vile, I don't think, and I am sure it does not have to be like this.

But seriously, I cannot teach people to quit riding the bumper of the car in front.  How do I expect to influence the way they conduct wars and such?   Or make them give up power over almost everything.

I confess, I would feel better if there was someone worth voting for who would garner more than just my vote.  I don't know of a candidate who meets both those conditions.   The Republicans have to try to make Hilary look good.  They are doing it.  Here she is getting caught in one dirty trick after another yet the repubs look like the bad guys just because they are nuts.  And because they actually do play into the media's hands.  Bias is obvious, but the pattern of complaints is not useful.  They make themselves look stupid and goofy quite often.   I'm not sure why.

Shoot the Bird, and I sure do Play on Stage A Lot

So, I worked early today. Crack of dawn stuff.  But it was easy since I hedged my bet by getting it all done yesterday, so all I had to do was take care of minor odds and ends and help Jeanine if she needed it today.  I used to do it all the day people arrive.

The frequency, severity and discomfort of the bouts of pruritus(mad itch--sort of) taught me to take more days to ensure I wouldn't be caught having to short the quality of the job.  Yesterday I actually had some issue but I was under no pressure so I was able to experiment.  I did have to just chill for about an hour and a half, but I also just pushed at one point, telling myself that the pin pricks and racing itching thing were just lies, and that my body did not need to be feeling that because it was a false alarm; a complaint about something not there.

At any rate it is not like I have to take action on the pain or something will kill or maim me.  This may make no sense.  I just wanted to see if I could keep moving and wait out the attack.  I paced the activity so that I dod not force it to come on too hard.  It wasn't very hot out so the cooler weather helped.  It was rather wicked for awhile.  I was sure I was going to have to hit the scalding shower.

I did take two tylenol.  For some reason tylenol helps mitigate the intensity of these bouts for some people.  I am one, thankfully.   Like all this stuff, no one apparently knows why this helps.

Also what happens is these rap[id mini chills.  It is like a chill coming over me that doesn't quite make it. So it is like a chile beginning then fading then beginning again.  This cycles super rapidly.  So many similarities to what I remember of migraines as far as the way my body feels.  It is a kind of dissociative sensation.

I'M OFF TOPIC.  Ok.  So my experiment worked.  After a little over an hour of fighting it while I got some work done which involved light but consistent labor, the attack faded out.

It surfaces many times on days like today but without hitting any worrisome level of intensity.

I left there, then did rehearsal with Enter The Blue Sky, then I went to the Lakeside VFW to play their Wednesday night Thanksgiving Dinner with Valor and Lace.  This was a very enjoyable show.  Relaxed, informal and Richard Resonator was playing.  That makes it worthwhile right there.  Chris, the ex marine, was in great form and he and Emily were clearly having fun.

People seemed to like it.  It was just a fine night.  We only played from 6 to 8 with a healthy break so they could make announcements and such.

Now there is talk of a possibility of going to GITMO to play.  Ride on a military plane.  Ha!!  Can you friggin' believe it?  There is a 50/50 chance we'll play Cuba sometime next year.  Of course, there is a 50/50 chance it won't happen, too.  That would be incredible.  I know my friends would be cracking up and shaking their heads.  Me and Cuba.  It's a thing that seems inescapable. I really should own that Island.  I'd exile the Castros to Syria.

But first I have to play Hard Rock, downtown on Monday, then on the 4th it is the Cuyamaca College winter fest with Sande-Enter the Blue Sky, then the 5th I play the Pine House cafe in MT Laguna with Valor and Lace (Chris, Emily, Richard Resonator and JRod on bass).  I love Mt Laguna.  Can't wait to see this.  Then on the 13th, or is it the 17th? some kind of thing on Mt Helix.  So, I am playing  enough to possibly keep me out of trouble.  I feel like I should be more and use my mind blablabla.  But this is where I am .

I feel bad that both music groups get that look whenever the subject of the other group comes up.   I feel like a polygamist.   As a matter of fact, I have a whole new respect and understanding of polygamy now.  These are two very different styles of music.  Way different.   And each group offers a different sort of freedom.  I would gladly travel with either one if it paid.  But I'll do Cuba for free.  At least all else would be paid.  Wait.  What if it is a trick to lock me up as some imaginary threat.  I'd be stuck with those lunatics in there.  I guess I'll demand a koran and a special diet and a prayer rug.

I can't believe they are trying to trick me by holding up playing Cuba as bait.  Boy oh boy.  And they are all in on it!   Oh, yeah.  That was all a what-if.  First we have to get the gig.  Time to re-up the passport.  It expired.  When Richard said he was working on it and would I go, it was as if, for the first time in awhile, I had a reason to look forward to the future and something to strive for.  A reason to live.  It is good to have as many reasons to live as you can.  Some may drop out and having extras is helpful.

Oh No, Not the Turkey

Besides the twist to make Europeans out to be the spoilers of humanity, destroyers of the innocent, pristine perfect world, and defilers of the human spirit,  is that turkey thing.  Both of these annoy me greatly.

The annual presidential pardon for the turkey is upon us.  I barf more this year than I did last so I am ready.  It is the most un-American tradition ever.  It smacks of monarchy, totalitarianism, and just pure obnoxious nonsense.

Oh giver and taker of lives, please free this mutant bird who can't even walk because it is basically just a frame for growing meat.  Master of all, show mercy. And make it funny so news hacks can banter with their ethnically and sexually correct colleagues.   Haha, looks like that turkey is safe!  hahahahaha.

Looks like that turkey was grown in a research lab where they grow tissue for burn patients or skin grafts.
Fun times.  People have no idea how much they are manipulated.  None.  Just as they don't feel weird or not cool or normal.  All most people want is to fit in.

I can only hope I miss the event.  What a ridiculous bunch of nonsense.  I have to wonder how it started and why, and why we still do it.  The effect is a bigger image of omniscience.   And I think that is the goal, either consciously or subconsciously.  These are smart people, they know. They have to know.

People go right along, news creeps banter, then next thing you know they have a story about "seniors" cutting the grass or something.  The condescending tone and drippy condescending attitude ought to be legal grounds for beating them silly with suitable blunt instruments. Or just casting them off seaside cliffs into the pounding surf.   Their babbling could not be heard over the roar of the sea, which makes this a desirable spot, because he can think a bit, uninterrupted, here.

CMC; why abortion should be legal up to age 25 years

CMC is the abbreviation of some college near L.A..  Clare-MacLunacy College or something close to that.  Lucky me, I watched their student protest video for awhile.

The shutoff point for me was the guy in the Che T-shirt demanding that they make people get schooled in what constitutes islamaphobia, and how harmful it is, etc.  He wears the likeness of a mass murderer and he complains about people who think of islam as the religion of beheadings, rape,
stonings, draconian dress code, honor killing, suicide vests, indiscriminate murder, etc.

Some people think it has to do with the religion.  And some say no, those people hijacked the religion and the yelling of islamic slogans right when death occurs is just an example of it.  Not a thing you find much of.  Unless that figure of one in four muslims approving of the activities of terrorists who claim to be serving islam is correct.

I never believe that protestors wearing Che shirts have a clue about compassion, peace, rights or anything but force.  The protests going on are made up grievances for the most part.  Address the number of violent crimes blacks commit against everyone if you are going to play that race game. We know the numbers look bad if you actually find them.

But the truth is that everyone is and is not a victim.  You can over do the effort to find offences and end up persecuting innocent people.  When you introduce a false premise and then throw out everything that does not fit it, trouble will follow.  You have convinced a large number of people that they are oppressed victims and it is time to stand up.  That mentality then thinks any retaliation, violent or not is OK.  And lying cheating and stealing are also OK for the cause and because the oppressor or people who look like the imaginary oppressor deserves whatever they get.

Really.  These people are serious.  It is theater of the absurd once again..WTF nation.

Of color.  What does that mean?  Where do you draw the line?  If you are not of color, what are you of?  Students of transparency.  Has a ring to it; almost like Sons of Anarchy.

Momma don't take my monochrome away

Whoa. These People Are Running; it is not just a sitcom

It is so hard for me not to be able to argue when I hear a progressive deriding republicans for something they probably never did.  But the republicans do so many really stupid, pandering things that I can't defend them.  It makes it look like the fascist progressives win.

Note how unbiased my writing is?  So did I.  Pandering is pandering.

Remember Bill Richardson, ex governor of New Mexico, when he was running in the democratic field?  Probably 2008 election.  He said he'd cure breast cancer in five years if he were to be elected.  He said it more than once.   The good old days when democrats gathered in packs and competed insanely, just like republicans are doing this year.

Ever since I saw him in that "cure cancer" debate, he has been the poster child, in my mind, of political pandering and an implied view that we are all hopeless nincompoops

Not all of them, actually, but enough.   While we have people pandering to snake handlers, tongue speakers, and potential neck tie party participants on the repub side, the democrats have managed to make Hillary look like a voice of reason and pillar of integrity.  And Bernie comes of as the no-nonsense even better voice of reason.

Hillary tries to buy votes as cheaply as possible.  Bernie doesn't care.  He throws out extravagant promises of cash.  All your loans forgiven. Free university for all.  Plenty of dough to raise a family for all.  Whatever.

I couldn't even retain some of the Huckabee notions among others.  The ones I can, I just don't want to repeat because dems will use it as evidence they are right.  But they aren't.  It's just that some crazy people disagree with them for wrong reasons.  The rest of us do because they'll create even more of a totalitarian state than we have.   And they adhere to economic theories that won't even work if we jump to the quantum level.

So they got upset about warning a caravan of truck drivers before bombing their trucks.  Now I do not know if our people suffered as a result.   If not, and it is true that the had reason to think the drivers were civilian and not active ISIS then fine.  But then I wonder, if they are hired to drive trucks with stolen ISIS oil to wherever the islamic state wants it to go,. then I would think isis already vetted them, force converted or whatever.  So, on one hand, it seemed a reasonable, humaintarian thing to do.  On the other it seems foolish.

Which hand is right?
or correct, I mean.  My right hand is right, of course, and left is left.

A World of Questions and Curiosities

One question is, I wonder what I posted below this.  I think the point may have been skewed or mistaken.  Maybe not.

I have no idea, really, what the essential facts are in the whole refugee deal. The basics appear to be being dodged.  Why no real info on demographics, ons and outs of options and reasons for choosing one over another, etc.

All that is to say, I do not know what's what so how can I even have much of an opinion on the matter?  I have my gut feelings and knee jerk reactions but based on almost zero real info.  So that is unreliable.

Here's what is very bizarre, if you consider it; ANONYMOUS.  How did they settle on the look and the logo?  Or even the mask?  What if they had adopted Frankenstein masks?   No way that would be cooler.  I think they did well, personally--the whole Guy Fawkes deal.  I believe they can do a lot to digitally cripple the insane state.  Let's hope our government can avoid sabotaging all efforts to contain the enemy.

Who would have dreamed that organizations which seem like something out of a comic book would actually be powerful, potentially dangerous entities?  Anonymous is just that.  It seems like there are other examples of real live comic book villains and heroes but none come immediately to mind.

Comic book not to be mistaken for cartoonish.  Almost all the self-titled "public servants" and "leaders" in local through national government are cartoonish.  That's different.

What if Anonymous is actually the brain child of the CIA, or other clandestine spook outfit?   And maybe they figured out how to make it a loose sort of hive, with all kinds of brilliant hacksters.  My word I guess.

That would be an interesting twist.   A way of leveraging power without a trail or record, and without the need for agency and other constraints.  Not saying I approve, but I could see devising such a plan if I were in the position to do so.  I understand that sort of thing.  Also, I would expect it to be done so that the President is unable to hijack it.  A way of wielding power when necessary, and it is out of the reach of most.  And most of the time the power is not wrongly aimed.  But I do think it can and will happen.

I have now talked myself into half believing I know who secretly controls anonymous.  But I don't know that I care.  I do like it that they are publicly calling out isis, and that after the islamic state called them idiots they destroyed something like 5500 isis member accounts of various types; mostly ones used for propaganda like twitter and facebook.  

Geez. Twitter.  Tweets.  Facebook.  We do live in a comic book world.

So, I guess I am a member of two musical groups.  One is country. Sort of Texas Country.  The practice room has a big Texas flag at the end.  To me, that was ten points for the group right there.

And the other group is hard to class.   We are somehow classed as Americana.  Maybe that is my fault. I could think of no others category.  I think that may be a bit off.  Anyway, this group plays just about all original music and I don't know what it is.  I like playing it.  No Texas flag but there is a connection to Tennessee since Sande's mother lives outside of Memphis and she plays there when she visits, which she did a couple of weeks ago.  Got paid to do two or three hours on her own.

A vietnam war vet was telling me how the psychological help has improved.; "yea tyhey quit doing this shit about how my childhood and my parents are to blame for my problems.  Hell, my f'ing parents didn't send my ass to VietNam.  My parents didn't do it!  What am I angry at?  The US government!"  Or words to that effect.

I am convinced that dishonest wars exact a much higher toll on service people's psyches.  If the goal and purpose of the fight is hazy, that has got to be tension generating.

Man, Richard Resonator returned form Nashville for some song writing veteran thing.  I knew that rubbing shoulders with some professional song writers and number one artists would probabl;y make him jump his playing up a notch just from the confidence boost.  I wasn't wrong.

Not that he wasn't already good.  Just a little better.  Or else I am.  Or both.

I'm pulling slowly up out of the hopeless sadness depression confusion.  Not a place you go if you are looking for fun.   Anyway, I can feel it.  It is somewhat of a relief.

I believe there were a couple of times last night, when I played in a way that surprised even me.

Oh, we played the Alpine VFW.  My old friend "the cowgirl up the hill" works there part time managing the bar and got us the gig.  I put her on to Sande but maybe I had something to do with it.

Individually, I think maybe some of us have played better, but as a group, we did better than ever,  And there was something happened on a song where I let loose pretty much all through it, something and then I saw the cowgirl and another girl go wow --reading lips now.  It surprised me too.  Can't describe what it was but it was pretty rad.

Alpine VFW is high up just north of I-8.  The view out the back deck is fantastic.  You can see the mountains and hills just that side of my place.

Then today, I played a place called Julian Station---outside historic, touristy Julian---with Valor and Lace (country).  This is different than playing with Sande.  Of course, it should be.  It was good to have Richard there playing.  It makes me better I think.  He's an intuitive and communicative player. Makes all the difference in the world.

I think the women in each band view the other band with suspicion.  However, they know they have to hide any negative attitude.  Sick as it is, and I definitely avoid feeding any insecurities and such, but I do like that they feel a little possessive.

The Truth About The Syrian Refugee Controversy

That's the automatic title if you share this to blogger direct from youtube.  I don't know if it is all true or mostly true or what.  So -- not really my claim that you see there in the title.





The figures may or may not be accurate.  I have little doubt that the relative values are probably in line.  All he is really saying is that it is cheaper and kinder to relocate refugees in the Middle East where culture, language and many other factors represent a better fit.  And we are talking cheaper on the order of only a tenth the cost of bringing them here, and that doesn't take into account many factors.

I am not real firm regarding who comes and goes, except I do not get carting people across the globe just so we can strain the infra structure and resources of the lucky cities and towns involved.



Positions reversed, I would want to be located in a culture which is as close as possible to my own, and nearby so I can plot possible return to my home or overthrowing the riffraff.  But let's say the Chinese decide they want to show compassion by shipping me into China, where I do not know squat.  That would be bizarro, and I would not like it.



So what is the game here?  Lots of talk of widows and orphans but what is the actual demographic, and why is the US the destination?   I honestly do not know.  I don't mind immigrants in general.  I do mind people who come here, then bitch because we don't meet their expectations and demands.



I remember a Cuban lady in a store in Miami, in the 1970's, telling a middle aged American woman (known as "anglo" in local lingo), "You better learn Spanish if you want get by in OUR city!"[accent and intonation not shown]  Because the angla did not speak the refugee's language.  I cannot imagine being taken in, given refuge and more by a country, and then bitching at them, even if they were a jerk country.

But we encourage this, and people who question what is happening are painted as lacking empathy.   I understand that there are some distasteful reactions going on; suggestions that don't hit the root of the issue.  Or make good Constitutional sense or demonstrate intelligent foresight.



Simple questions ought to be answered, I would think,  Why not settle people there?  The Mid East is a large place.  North Africa is a big chunk of land.



I do disagree with the reasoning that the problem is that there could be terrorists among the multitude of immigrants.  (Even though I have no doubt this is a highway for blood thirsty lunatics as presently designed)  My thinking is that this should be a moot point, at least until we know, "why here?'.  That is not a lack of compassion.

But be careful about that "there could be a trouble maker hidden in that group of X many".  The reason I say it is that it can be turned on you.   It can be turned so we have to prove innocence more than we already do.  And that is a recipe for some people running rough shod over others, legally.

And it diverts attention form the real matter at hand; why are they seeking refuge?  Where is the closest place they can go?  How are they getting there?  What is the demographic mix here; men, women, children, families, etc.?  Approach it like any problem.  And then look rationally at moral imperative and least damaging solutions.

Some Americans are old enough to remember when we were extraordinarily hospitable to refugee groups, at great cost and sacrifice to the community.  Having those immigrants or self hating Americans claim we are lacking compassion, and that we are horrible, ignorant bigots, is not acceptable.   It is a lie and that is that.  Especially when you look at the relative scale of hospitality to refugees and riffraff alike over the decades compared to the rest of the planet.   It's a bitch relocating to most countries.  They discriminate like crazy and make it tough.  But they all find room for money.

We've been so benevolent.   I know people who graduated in certain aspects of computer science, at just the wrong time, to find themselves without opportunity.  In many cases companies hired Indians and others with plenty of experience for far less than our experienced people were getting paid, and they have a special type of work visa they get.  It is a form of corporate welfare, even though some may see it differently.  In certain a specialized IT related fields this drastically reduced the market for entry level personnel.

Not sure how I think on that particular wrinkle, however, those who prefer to feel compassionate rather than to actually be compassionate,  maybe will like that.  To them jobs and wealth are all on a seesaw. They don't quite get it, but that's OK.

The point is, what is the dang deal?  Even this stuff of checking religion and all that is nothing but smokescreen, playing on emotion and not answering the initial why questions.  I have no idea who gains by doing it how the administration wants to do it, or what is being gained.  You can be sure, though, that when a thing like this gets railroaded on appeals to everything but simple reason, a scam is afloat and the collateral damage in annoyance and costs of every ilk-monetary, emotional, moral, survival, etc.-will make waves for some time.

It may not be like huge disaster and all that.  But still, why?

Maybe I am half a veteran

I thought no one ever bothered with my blog any more so I just ended up writing long meandering introspective, disjointed posts.  It is the sadness that chases me, and the whole depression experience that has been a worry lately.

But then someone put a sort of ad out.  A link to this lovely life story, written between and beside the lines.  Now I feel pressure.

I started to write about the strangeness of playing music with PTSD recovering Marine vets who came out of the music therapy program.  It is a new thing, and it works wonders.  Why I seem more shell shocked than they do, I don't know.  I was a reservist.  At one point, a man without a base.

That last part is a long story, but the cool part was that they encouraged me to find a base and, in the event of an emergency, report to the post office.  I guess the post office would then ship me to some Air Force outpost.  Never happened, and one day I received an honorable discharge in the mail.

All that was post Vietnam and pre Mideast build ups and televised, video-game looking assaults.  My one item of gratitude in all that is that there is no draft.  The Draft was a horrible thing.  If you had an unlucky number, your life choices, at an age when you have no idea what they should be, are drastically narrowed.  I am blown away that people volunteer, considering the quality of people who direct where they will be deployed.

But in Vietnam thousands upon thousands of slave soldiers died.  Other injuries and collateral damage is incalculable.  And they were treated poorly by many of the same hypocrites who now blubber and fawn every time they see a person in uniform.  I don't get it.  I think it just makes some of the real deal, like the ex sniper who I back up musically, feel more isolated and apart.  I don't know, but I don't really thank anyone.  I don't send anyone to fight where I would never go, either.

My policy would likely be slightly different than what we have done in the Mideast for many decades.  I wish I better understood the motives because nothing I hear rings true from top to bottom.

Guys like my friend fight to protect their brothers and sisters in arms.  What else is there when the big picture is not all that clear and they are in lands peopled by insane and hysterical populations?

Anyway, back when I was discharged, reservists got zip for their six year obligation in the way of benefits.  I wonder if they make some of it retroactive now.  I know they did decide to give benefits since they have misused the guard units and such, sending them abroad (guard was supposed to be the modern day militia whose job is to protect the domestic side of things. DEFENSE).  Sick.  Really sick.

The good thing is that we don't have 100,000 dead from our excursions to win the hearts and minds of the heartless and mindless lunatics in various hell holes over there.   That doesn't do much for those who come back in pieces or emotionally shattered.  One day in that part of the world, wearing a uniform, and I'd be a basket case.  Or I think I would.

I did it again--rambled and made it too long.  If I think anyone really reads this, I will do better.  It will help me cure the blues which have made me wonder if I lost control of my mind a time or two.  I think I am getting a grip again though.  So many people are crazier and way more annoying than I am, so I should not feel like the biggest waste of space since the largest part of the city of Memphis, and Graceland.  Graceland is a serious ripoff and disappointment.  Sun Studios is the tour you want. Little hole in the wall and the best tourist thing in Memphis.

They Say It Is Never Too Late, but are they right?

Slogans and short little catchy phrases have been the staple of modern logic and philosophy for a long time.  "Where there's smoke there's fire!!".   That means if you get accused of something then you must be guilty.

As many people may have noticed, sometimes smoke can be present, but fire does not happen.  Ignore that though, because we need these non truths in order to do whatever it is we do.  "If you aren't part of the solution, you are part of the problem".   That means if you do not do as I say or agree with me, then you are part of the problem and it is OK if we shoot you.

So many more of these gems are being cast over the sea of general nonsense that passes for current affairs, that I can't even keep up.  We actually dance around offensive words like 'THE N-WORD".  Just don't use the word.  I do not like it a bit.  I did not like it when I was working with people who used it.

They were black so that made it cool.  But I told them I did not want to here it and they were playing a racist game with all the "give a nigga a break" talk to one another while I am right there.  But somehow it is twisted into the consciousness that ethnicity is a value and that normal values are different depending upon your condition of birth.

Just like violence is considered impolite, but if you stop traffic with no regard for the health and needs of those strangers, it is OK because you have a "good cause".   If you are part of an angry mob using such force, you are revered as courageous as long as you claim you are in some way a victim.

So, clearly, conventional wisdom  and slogans are not strong philosophical elements which can really stand the test of reason and right.  And that brings me back to suspecting that it really is too late for me.  If it is, what now?  Bring on the parasail and 15000 feet altitude, we'll ad lib the rest.

I want to change this condition and lifestyle.  Drastically.  I did quit smoking and, long before that, I quit drinking.   But I live in a state of fear that I am losing it, and will never de-isolate, find meaning, and do it well.   It is an unknown variable here.

Aside from that, I read a comment somewhere in which the commenter said that the Oxford comma is an insult to the reader.  OK, I thought,  if a reader is insulted by a comma, perhaps he is not someone I am targeting with my writing, so I should just comma away and hope to drive off such pompous dweebs.  Really?

Sometimes English majors, and Music majors can affect the sort of nerdism that will never ever be cool.  They lose the soul of the content by becoming overly enamored with their grasp of the form and esoteric notations and such.   The rules and regulations are necessary and nice but the infatuation with inside knowledge of terms, etc. can be annoying.  Like a cop who has no idea why he is writing a ticket, ignoring the reality of things around him or the needs and condition of his victim.  Sometimes you let it go.

Anyway, comas, punctuation, unusual time signatures, and other nonsense are more important to some than others.  I still hope, that if I am ever read by many people, that I offend those who find particular comma placement insulting.  And I hope they go away and we never meet.  It's probably something to do with the Mr Bobo syndrome.  He said I was tone deaf.  Lots of teachers thought I was an idiot.  They were half right.  They just missed the savant aspect.

Oh, and if you want to annoy people with your culture and beliefs by making it hard for them to ignore you, and you want to make them look bad because you annoy them, just add the suffix "phobic" or "phobia" to whatever your tag is.   That way, if you are being rude and pushy with it, you can just accuse those offended of being ____phobic.  Yay.

No Good Side

Whereas I do believe the incessant self hatred of the progressive political class is at the root of the resurgence in racial hatred, I recognize that there are some real fools in all camps.

Some people sound like they are all ready to ride with the sheriff's posse and go get the bad guys.  "Let's have a neck tie party!", they shout while spinning a lariat rope.   I have to wonder why, if the whereabouts of the IS is known are people only now showing any serious resolve to wipe them out.

Or have they never known what is what and are we flailing in the dark?  I doubt it.  But if not, then something makes no sense.  Why would you wait until this?  Surely a political thing, and that means a person or persons high up is willing to compromise his values.

We Have Been PC Thinking Ourselves Right Over the Edge

Here's the deal.  I don't like funerals very much.  But I do go to those of friends and relatives.
I don't not go to funerals around town just to show solidarinosc and assure them that I do not think my friends and relatives matter more than theirs.

I feel more of a connection with Europe than I do with the MidEast.  Just the way it is. heritage, genealogy, who knows.  Also I tend to expect a lot of blowing up in the mid east. Not sure where that idea came from.

It just works out that I am more upset when Paris gets attacked than I am about cities which have less in common with whatever home is.   That does not mean I am thrilled about any of it.  I have wondered how all the players over there could let this band of lunatics rise to such power.  I suspect we've armed them indirectly.

But to get upset because we tend to mourn our own more intensely than we do the misfortune of strangers is to be searching for yet another excuse to play superior to one's people by vilifying them for their natural compassion.  Hate your own people because they react naturally.  These other places are certainly not as sympathetic toward others as they are their own.

Another of the self hating white people trying to pander so they can be cool and glom on to the victimhood of minorities.   If they do it just right, no one will notice that they are white, or even rich and white.  It is almost an Uncle Tom horse of a different color.  

I mean, why be so race obsessed?  I suspect it is the only way they can sooth their secret angst at their true feelings of superiority. They will lead the poor, ignorant other minorities against the white, Mr. Man devil.   Kind of like musical chairs.  Can't parse it down much further, although the lbgt contingent managed to get some traction there.

If I were famous, I could not say this.  It would be taken wrong in many circles anyway.

You cannot fix racism or oppression with more racism and oppression.  Affirmative action has been a big step in that direction.  The shaping of the culture has encouraged it.  And now we wonder why students consider it peaceful as long as they are in control or the ones being heard.  Never mind all the violations of the rights of others.  In their minds, if you disagree with them, you are evil, and trying to kill them, so any form of retaliation is OK.  Standard victim mentality fare.

It is embarrassing what people say and do.  The upset that Paris got such attention is twisted.  Do you think the Chinese see it as we do?  Probably not.  France is not a big deal to them in that way.  Doesn't mean they are happy about it.  Now, I know the self haters can't say anything bad about China, and it is just human nature for what I said to be true.  So, how can you argue with that?

Here we go

I deleted the page.  No use even trying to say anything.  The responses people get for saying anything about Paris, other than whining because Europeans and Americans have more interest in Paris than Somalia or Beirut, cause me to thing free speech is a thing of the past and so is reason.

It is a waste to even bother.  It is like trying to reason with a mob.  Doesn't work.  But I wonder

Why are the people leaving Syria not going to nearby Islamic states?  If it is just the small faction who do the violence, then there are closer stops.  And if they come here why would we encourage retaining the culture?  The culture seems conducive to mass mischief which ends poorly.   Maybe I don't get it.

But I do not go other places and try to make them bend to my ways, either.  Most people must do it otherwise

What Is With The Stubborn Progressive Koolaid Kult?

So, I see lots of French flags now on facebook.   Just like the rainbow thing people did to show solidarinosc with same-same marriage, even though they are not in that condition.  Hate to say it but I think it is nonsense.  But I also don't think it is the job of the federal government to involve itself in marriage other than when contracts are involved.  Marry your car, I do not care.  So, I see it as an intrusion that it ever got to court because I think it is a power overstep.

But my way would require wiping out the majority if not all of the tax code, and plenty else.

Now, I look and we have the French solidarinosc, and I get that, sort of.  These symbolic gestures are dandy, but if you then turn around and ridicule those who suggest the muslim influx and segregated sharia law zones may set the groundwork for trouble, I think you are naive.

I see responses that say things like, yea, ok, pray for Paris, but what about all these people walking a thousand miles and no one wants to let them in?  and on and on. It is nuts, really nuts.  Some progressive spin to ignore the fact that there is a pattern to these events.  It is not just random people.

It is as if they want to ignore the fact that a well orchestrated act of terror and mass murder occurred, and further, to ignore any information regarding the perps.  Just bizarre.  But let someone post a year old pic on facebook, claiming it just now happened on campus--like the fecal swastika--did not even happen in context we been hearing--and oh my god, no talk of Lebanon and Iraq now.

The thing I saw went on and on about how awful it is that people suggest that the flood of islamic immigrants may in any way influence domestic tranquility, as if that was actually a bigger crime than mass murder in the name of alah 'n' 'em.

How bizarre to all of a sudden hijack an undeniably sick, backwards, act of murder and cruelty in order to deride those who most vehemently decry such acts.  How dare they condemn mass murderers and their sanctuaries when babies are suffering in refugee camps?  WTF?

If this were a series of microaggressions rather than full tilt slaughter, I suppose then those koolaid addled progressive, humanity hating types would be a little more upset and sympathetic to the victims and their families.

The writer of this little essay was so upset that Paris received more attention and sympathy on line that bombings in Beirut and Baghdad.  I unapologetically care more about Paris, and Europe, in general, than I do about Lebanon or Iraq.  For one thing, Lebanon and Iraq are pretty much in the thick of the world of islam and its various splinter factions.  We expect them to blow up one another because that is what happens a lot.

Granted, many Lebanese and Iraqis are fine peaceful people who have probably never even participated in a stoning.  Apparently not enough are of that ilk that they create free and peaceful places which do not allow any such activity.  In any case, mourning the fact that the news in the free world is more concerned with Paris than Baghdad is nuts.  Just ridiculously nuts.

I want to go to Beirut and complain about what they find of interest if it doesn't include me.

I'm afraid to set foot on a college campus because I am, no doubt, a walking bundle of micro-aggressions and triggers.  The students would either be in tears or would burn me at the stake.  That is how the victim thing works; any brutality the self proclaimed victims inflict is OK because they got dibs on being the oppressed.

I expect a lot of insanity from stubborn progressives who always start at the point of creating a victim class and a pretend oppressor class that they hate; a class on which they declare open season. Amazing.  So sorry that the opposition is mostly comprised of cartoonish panderers who hurt the cause of sanity, even though they are somewhat saner than the koolaid drinking progressive, lockstep, nazi-like narrow minded misanthropes.

Anything remotely western or european or, God forbid, American seems to trigger a kneejerk reaction of disapproval, hatred, ridicule.  And that is from european-Americans.  The ones who think if they pretend to hate white people that blacks and Mexicans won't beat them up or kill them.  Maybe they'll even accept them as cool if they pretend to hate themselves enough.  Lame idiots.

I'm going to find a safe place where none of my thoughts are challenged, the 1% can't get me, and no one will trigger me or micro assault me.

Social Commentary; the surly bonds of comm device hubris

So, this guy, on the face booking, who has obviously done it right, is visiting his son in Colorado on an idyllic mountainside, in a two or three story wooden, chalet sort of place.  He sees some birds, black with white stripes, and he asks if anyone knows what kind of bird it is.

Just a simple question.  Had I known, I would have left the information in a comment.   Someone left a comment.  I thought, oh good, I will discover the type of bird because I am now curious.

But NO!  This person says, get xyz app.  It is free and it tells you bird types.  WTF?  Do you have the app.?  If so, why do you not look up the bird he posted in the pictures, then share the info.  If you care to you can inform him about the app that has this info.  He may not want to add an app.  And he might.  Would a friend withhold the info just to force him to comply?

I would be ticked if someone gave me "There's an app, go get it" in answer to a question. That is a snarky, annoying answer.  If anyone does this, you have my permission to slap them and kick them to the curb.

No, Education Involving Others is Not a Right

I feel your pain.  Debt sucks, and look at all the privilege and such, and bad viewpoints that need squashing on campus.  Who wouldn't be happier without debt, worry, and hurt feelings?

So, I am with you but wait until I buy some stuff on credit then we can wipe out all debts and give me some free education.

Geez.  How hard is it to realize that anything which requires action from others is NOT A RIGHT?  Education, in the context of this protest, requires people to teach, buildings, maintenance, books, etc. It is not a right if you make them teach you for nothing.  You are trying to enslave others to suit your fancy.  How can that be so tough to see?

Obviously, public education failed, and your parents failed, if you thought taking on thousands and thousands in debt to get a degree in ethnic victimhood, or gender confusion and anger, or almost anything might not leave you wealthy soon after graduating.  

It is unkind to encourage student loans and all that without really shining some light on the downside of gambling.  Just because you think you are going to make tons of money in four years, based upon today's trends, does not mean it is not a serious gamble. Laws, governments, privilege leveling, and any number of unknown factors can queer the deal, and certainly have in the last thirty years.   

When I was that young I was just wanting somewhere to mark time so I borrowed because it was easy.  Took awhile to pay it. Glad I wasn't crazy enough to get into the debt common today. 

No true right demands anything on the part of others except that they don't infringe on your rights.  People try to parse words and pretend that personal boundaries are not implied in the concept of allowing others to live as they choose.  If you choose to live in a way that forces others to hear you or see you with no escape, you are violating rights, not exercising them.  Got no right to force others,  That is how rights work.  

Now, someone or a group may choose to give you an education but you have absolutely no right to demand that they do so free of charge.  Why can't you work free?  You want $15 an hour minimum no matter what.  Hypocrite!!  You want others to provide you with services for free, then you bitch about wanting more pay.  Got to treat them the same as you want to be treated.  The equality thing.

Good to know that baby boomers weren't the only generation that was dumb enough to spout idiocy in public.  I did not like VietNam or the draft, but these idiots were pushing nonsense and calling draftees all sorts of vile names.  The rewrite of history painting protestors as altruistic, informed, highly moral philosophers is a big lie.  They wanted dope and willing young women, and the girls wanted to be seen, and to have an excuse.  Harsh, sexist sounding, but it is true.  People know it, but won't own up to it.

So now, how about forgetting the wasteful loans I took because I am not ready for the workplace and life is confusing?  I wouldn't expect otherwise.  Fun is out of the question because there is too much chance of offending someone.  Or worse yet, what if you have fun and it can be shown that it is only because of your white privilege?  

The truth is that people, and I use the term loosely, tend to get on the victim wagon (and/or the guilt wagon) which suspends all morals, and they claim to be correcting oppression by instituting the very same cruelty they decry. But now they are the oppressors so it is OK.   I thank baby boomers and "the greatest generation" for getting this ball rolling.  The greatest did win the last war that had any definition or apparent goals.  Give them that.  Most were kids who had no clue what was what, but they had learned some about work and roles in life meant something.  It was less confused.

Then they came home and raised brats and spawned confusion.  Fueling that confusion has become a national effort ever since.  It got me.  It won, I lost.  Maybe why I hate the sixties so much.  If I had ignored it, and if my parents from the greatest generation had given me even a clue, life would probably not be so sad.  As it is I took on their sadness and guilt and never got rid of it.  And I am scared to death now.

I find it very hard to interact, in reality.  I fake it some, and just play a little music to be around people.  But I am sinking.  Maybe that is why I find the ptsd military people easy.  They make sense to me and I feel comfortable there.  To a point. 

I may just rent a truck, empty the place out so I can clean it. Drop all at the dump and cash it in.  The external mess is something I have to eliminate first.  

So now we have more confused post high school people being fed lies and being treated like this nonsense makes sense; being told education is a right, that all we have to do is make those meanies who hoard money pay.  They are told that it is unfair if they are white, heterosexual, and not physically or mentally impaired in any way.  It is downright oppressive and you should be punished.  There has been some truly unkind and cruel oppression in history.   Making it cool to then torture others is not a good long term fix.  It just continues the yoyo deal.  So does lying.

Europeans did not invent slavery and Americans weren't the biggest offenders ever.  None of that changes the pain of those who were abused.  But truth is truth.  Irish were enslaved, as were most groups sometime in their history.  Does not speak well of humans that this has happened.  Truth sucks.  Like Ferguson.  No hands up don't shoot scenario ever occurred, but that interferes with the money making anger pandering.   As dumb as people are, I don't think free education will help.  There is an army of dimwits calling the shots in higher education.  How you clear that out, I do not know.  

Maybe if they are forced to teach for free or for minimum wage they will go away.  The ones I know can do some good things but promote the PC nonsense to absurdity, all the while patting themselves on the back publicly for doing such a "high calling".  I like teachers who don't constantly brag about their superior worth in the world.  I don't know any, though.  And I disagree.  I only had few teachers who did not do everything but kill me in some way. I do thank those few.

Last One Was Too Much

OK. The short of it is that I am going to Austin for a few days right after Christmas, returning on Jan.1.  Let us hope I don't stress and grab a pack of cigarettes on the way home.  Lack of availability will help.  Seems like it has been close to 2 years.

The last 2 years have been murder.  All that time wondering how to cope with those hot itchy attacks which interfered with work and life.  I thought I would have to give up the little bit of a job I have.  Luckily I managed not to do that.  Months of narrowing it all down to discover blood disease, or more accurately bone marrow issues.

But the situation appears to be in a somewhat stable mode, sort of.  One pill, every other day, and levels are somewhat OK.  At first the attacks went away and I thought it would all get better.  But they came back.  Still it is not as common or severe as it once was.  And I have learned various ways to mitigate the trouble.

Austin will be an adventure.  Just the lack of control the plane trip gives is spooky.  I know others have similar need to be able to withdraw to conditions which don't set off physical trouble, too.  But I am supposed to be healthy no matter what, and have no problems.  It will be OK.

Then there is the matter of being on someone else's turf and not being in control of much.  I see now the genius of my brother's life and how he constructed it.  I do not think he ever goes anywhere that he isn't in pretty strong control of things.  He worked to build that form of security.  Well, he built a family and stuck with it.  I guess that is what I wanted but never had the ability to do it.  It makes me cry.

So, I'd rather think about nothing.

Still Just Here

San Diego is definitely a big military town.  I am not really a big military person.  I mean, I like having a good military and ours is more impressive than one might think, as far as some of the individuals and their level of expertise and training.  But I do not get all slobbery with the hollow and somehow self righteous sounding "oh thank you for your service" mantras.  And I don't try to glean some glory by trying to imitate the OOHRAH! stuff.  

I show respect, like I would often upgrade military when I worked for the airline.  Mostly because I didn't think most of them knew what they really signed up for.  And some might be guard or air guard...outfits that never should be used except for defense, but since 911 have been misused just like the rest.

On an individual level, though, it is a very rough thing that can happen.  You get the most incredibly well trained and conditioned people and then let politicians and corrupt interests decide what they do and where, then wonder what could possibly go wrong.  It is sick.  And the public is herded into the madness like sheep.  In order to keep it going, they blindly glorify in a way that reeks of insincerity, if you ask me. 

Anyway it is confusing, as far as the big picture.  On the smaller scale I just end up in weird places, like playing on the Midway aircraft carrier on Veterans' day.  It is a word war two vintage aircraft carrier which is moored in San Diego harbor and has been made into a big museum.  A very popular one at that.  The place was swarming with people.  They have planes below deck and on the flight deck and tours and all kinds of stuff.

There I was. On top of that I was right there in the midst of a lot of PTSD people involved in the music therapy program, and some who have had serious injuries from things blowing up in Iraq and elsewhere.  Nations, and how they go about things, are really screwed up.  That can be confusing.

I do not like too much involvement with anyone right now.  Unless the right person...but that is different.  All I can say is that I am glad my nephews did not join the military.  Not sure where they may have gone if they had.  When was the last time a deployment to a war zone made sense all the way through?

Usually the parts that made sense were just patches to fix the misguided initial effort.  It is criminal. I am in disbelief that after VietNam we suckered for letting people go to Bosnia and all manner of places.  How did we let Bush get away with sending guard units for extended tours in Iraq and elsewhere?  Doing wars which don't work and for which we are so unprepared that you deplete the stores of reservists?  Insane.  But here in SD the main thing is to thank everyone and ignore the cruel reality of it.  

How do you appreciate the military itself but not how they are used and where they are sent?  And the other part is that it is a choice in this age.  No draft at the moment.  It brings up some conflicting questions and beliefs, I guess.  For me, I could not be loyal to a government that ignores the Constitution, which is what you swear to protect.  You do not swear allegiance to some arrogant politician.  No way to really think it through and do the job.  So, loyalty takes on another meaning.

In the military it comes down to not leaving your colleagues in a lurch. Your loyalty is to your team.  The big picture has to be ignored.  And it is life or death, losing limbs, and crazy, so the fidelity aspect toward your comrades in arms is the all important value. No way to succeed if they are thinking much beyond that, looking at motives, goals, and the Constitution.  

Wars suck but should be fought with a clear goal.  Bringing democracy and happy times to lunatic cultures is not a lofty or sane and moral goal.  Winning hearts and minds is absolute bullshit. A kinder, gentler army, there to build schools and hand out candy is pure lunacy.  If you could see the lives that are altered, the people scarred for life because politicians and those that own them want to serve needs having zero to do with protecting our shores or our Constitution, you'd probably hesitate to send them in harm's way.  Not so with those doing the sending. They see the results and try to make people feel wonderful for getting blown up in ill conceived endeavors of their making.  

And I don't care to think about my life.  It is worrying me how hard it is to have a positive thought about myself or my circumstances and what I have destroyed and created for myself.  What a waste.  I'd rather think of the follow orders syndrome that makes me less than gung ho when it comes to police work or military service.  I would thank them all, but they make more money than I do, and they know where to be and what to do at any time because that is how it works.  There is security in jobs with pensions and insurance and job security.  The down side is that you could get blown up or sent somewhere unpleasant.  For a lot of years most people did not have to go anywhere stupid.

If you joined in 1973, you could have probably taken a retirement after twenty years, never got shot at or had to hang in the hot hot desert winning the hearts of lunatics from the medieval times.  You could then have started your own business or found other government work and wrangled a second pension by age 60.  Lots of people did that.  I never had it in me. Still don't.  But it would have been a fu--ing improvement so I cannot knock it.

People join for any number of reasons.  I doubt the clarity and sanity of our foreign policy are high on that list.  How many people have a clue what we are doing and why?  I really do not.  I do know we manage to arm the bad guys and that friends are ex enemies quite often, and enemies are ex friends.  Very fluid loyalties all around.  Obviously it is not working well. I think using the military to kill the aberrant, and to do it without being polite and risking our lives needlessly is the best approach.  Anything else risks lives.  So, if we aren't going to wipe them out, don't go their.  Do not engage. 

Then I look Around and Think, I Could Do Worse

As much as I rue the days I let the good ones go,  I sometimes realize it was for the best.  For one thing I don't think any of them are even remotely in the semi-anarchist camp where I dwell, philosophically.  Although I must admit, beliefs that were once carved in stone are often, now, just etched in silly putty.

I think all of the heartbreakers have achieved a much better standard of living and definitely more stability than would have been found with me.  Maybe.  It is possible that proper love, support and coaching would have yielded magnificent results.  But how often does anyone want to admit I am sort of a quasi autistic functioning adult?  People think they know stuff, but they don't.  Just the way it is.

I did not even realize where my extreme weaknesses and mild strengths lay until recently.  It is a lot to get past, but maybe I will yet work it out.  In my thirties, I was like a kid in a candy store, and that was most likely a good bit of my downfall.   Judgement lapses have not been infrequent in my life.

It is great to see someone go on to a wonderful life.  But once in awhile I look and think, "Holy smoke, how can you possibly enjoy what you have landed in?"  Then it dawns on me; if such circumstances are pleasing to my old companions, then I was clearly a very, very poor fit.

The real dilemma is; is it worth dealing with a number of characteristics I find abhorrent in order to not be alone?  Most of my life I felt that it was better to be alone than to be with someone whose beliefs and behavior were in conflict with what I consider good form and endearing.

Now, I am not so sure.  I guess if the person does not directly lie, cheat and steal, maybe ego annoyances can be overlooked.  Or maybe I wish I felt that.  But, probably, I couldn't bend to that extent.  Bummer.  It is amazing what a little cash, and some status can manifest in one's life.  Or bedroom.  Mostly it works for men, because despite what anyone says, women are naturally drawn to security and power.  Money represents both, and status also gives a sense of safety on a subtle level.  It is nature and anyone who argues otherwise is just wishing.  Nothing wrong with it.

Survival of the species depends upon women being safe to carry to term so that children can have a chance to be born and to survive rather than be eaten by creeps who mill about.  The riffraff has always been there from the earliest days to now.  A man's job is to keep the creeps away so that babies get born and all that.  Women have a power over men to keep them coming back.  Trying to deny that is nonsense.  Not that it stops anyone.

As technology and culture evolves, maybe the whole thing will change and we become one big ant-like commune.  I don't know.  For now, the forces of nature guiding humans in the early days still hold sway over instincts and such.  That is why they have to drug the hell out of kids to make them fit the way we've structured schools and such.  And we have to drug adults to deal with the way we've structured civilized life.  Something is clearly awry.

But, that still leaves me alone, casting my eye on memories of the ones who got away, were pushed out, or who ran away.  And I think I find a bit of satisfaction when I see one living in a way I would never want, and with a guy that I cannot imagine hanging with.  Of course I don't imagine hanging with the guy, but you know what I mean.  I see the point and charm in some cases.  In others, I think, that is everything I never wanted to be, so yay.   Although I would gladly take some of their security and stability, just none of the attitude and etc.

Yikes.  I look at myself and think I wouldn't want the attitude and many of the activities in which I engage.  I do what I do because I can and because it keeps me from laying down on the railroad tracks waiting for the Chattanooga Choo Choo late at night.

Oops, this is an odd day of the month.  Nov. 7.  I take the hydrea on odd days.  Almost forgot.

Slowly I Turned

inch by inch, step by step, day by day...

I want that parasail.  That is probably the answer to all.  Altitude is my friend, but like many friends, it may turn on me one day.  That's OK.

There is probably a good reason that I find no stucco fixing info which covers the sort of wall corners that have partially fallen off.  The Santa Barbara smooth mission finish is a difficult thing.  And the nature of the repair area makes life very difficult if you are dealing with dreaded stucco.

They leave you out in the cold. All the repair stuff and stucco info deals with easy flat areas, or large, square corners with plenty of space on each side.  They pointedly avoid discussing circumstances similar to mine.

I think I will have to chip out what I did and start anew.  So many people to blame now; Bush, Carson, Trump< Obama, Clinton.  And to one degree or another I guess they are all culpable.  We know they are guilty of something.  So we just blame them when convenient.

I am not going there, though.  I have found people and news to be so over saturated with koolaid that their wet brains cannot possibly reason clearly, and they will kill you for pointing it out.  Yikes.

My own issues with reality and judgement are bad enough.  Tempting as it is to escape those by delving into things over which I have little control, but about which my understanding is insightful and true, I will not do it.  The more I escape into that political nonsense, the weaker my hopes to establish a decent life and direction.  Besides, I think I may be falling apart, and I have to do what I can to fix that.

But seriously, do people really think that they are saving the planet with token acts of austerity and reduced living standards?  You are not.  Climate may be influenced to a small degree by humans, but it is not the over riding force for change.  But then the earth savers are clueless about how much government people, corrupt government people, and environmental histrionics have retarded the natural evolution of technology toward more sustainable energy methods and ways of improving life without killing off resources, people and minnows.

Good Move in a Little Life

So, it seems that pain is the new normal.  Just how it is.  And the hopeless feelings that want to consume a person tend to grow and feed on the organism like ebola on steroids.  I wonder how steroids actually react with ebola, but I am not curious enough to try it at home.

I forced myself to clean up suit up, and get out of the house.  Tonight is the weekly thing that Chris, the Marine and them do at the VFW.  They have expressed the desire for me to play with them when I can so I showed up.

I did not play much, but had little desire to play a lot.  Being around people who want me there and who might get me out of my own madness was the goal.  I did not even know if I could hang for thirty minutes before feeling the need to leave.  Some chronic pain was bothering me a lot.  I took three of the pain pills the bass player from Sande's band gave me.

Eventually I guess they helped.  The pain was less when standing up, so I did a bit of that.  At any rate, I realized I may be of some benefit to Chris or Emily or Richard.  You never know.  They want me to play with them on veteran's day at the USS Midway, downtown at the harbor.  Big Veteran's day celebration.  San Diego is a huge military town, so such a thing is big.  It would be kind of an honor to play that, I think.

So, as little as playing means, I will use it to keep me from too much insane isolation and depressed misery.  Maybe end up being recruited to be a spook.  I have nothing holding me back, as long as I can be a spook with no big physical demands, not fluent second languages, and no real skills.  Just the sort of spy we need.

I started to come home at several points along the way to the Lakeside VFW.  But I did not let my mind talk me out of going.  That was a tiny victory in itself.  I was able to do more than expected.  And I really felt better seeing these friends.  I wish some older version of Emily would happen my way.  She is a looker.  Maybe the older version would have to have a few modifications to make compatibility with me on the level I want work better.  We can settle details later.  First let us just find the proper unit and then we will refine the deal.

This is a very hard period of life.  Maybe quit fighting everything.  Or try.  Otherwise I know I am doomed.  If I try to thwart the destructive demons which tend to possess me, I may yet survive to enjoy a natural demise rather than some accelerated, ill advised approach to the ultimate exit.

One thing for sure; I cannot take that overwhelming lonely sad thing that hits like a slow motion mud tornado.   So, maybe play Julian on saturday, Ocean Beach on Sunday, Midway and Hard rock on either wednesday or thurs.  I am probably not going to hit the Navjo tomorrow night.  Never like that place.  Horrible sound, even though they have big stage and equipment.  Deaf rockers run it, so they are clueless when it comes to my style, or any hint of nuance.  Really clueless.  I think you have to try to be so sound dense, but I have seen it plenty.

Anyway. I am less forlorn than I was 8 hours ago.
Depression must be what that is. It is as physical as it is mental. And it is brutal.  What a stupid thing.  Life is not supposed to be that way. Life is a miraculous sort of thing, that defies logic.  Like why is there life at all?  Wild.  Little creators running around doing stuff and making mischief.
It is very confusing.

Frozen

How do people get out of this?  I know of no one my age who ever did.  It is a frozen panic.  The door is hitting me on my way out.

What have I done?  That is all I can think; what have I done?  I obviously did not really know what I was in for when I did it.  By why did it seem even remotely the way to do things?  I guess it was just pure anger and rebellion turned on myself.  God, am I sorry now.

They say it is never too late.  But they lie.

No Purpose

Not the best day, and not the worst.

I'm not doing very well, I don't think.  I am stunned by how I have managed to lose contact with every group of friends throughout the years.  I would move and leave it all behind.

One or two people seemed to stay in contact.  The others did not, but mostly that was my doing.  Why did I leave in the first place?  It rarely made sense.

Inability to figure out how to live life in the normal way was an anti-skill drilled into me by family.  Some was due to their own mistrust of the world, and some due to the need to destroy me to make themselves feel better.  And I went right along with it.

So, now, I am nothing.  And I do not like this.  It is frightening beyond what anyone should create for himself.   I wonder if it is too late to change in a good way.  All I want to do is move again.  I have no destination in mind, really. And I know I couldn't do it, most likely.   A lot of anger is mixed in with sadness.  Sadness may be a form of anger.  I am not sure.  It feels different but I rarely think good things about anything when sad.

What will I do?  I do think San Diego was a mistake.  If I wanted to land somewhere, I should have made it Colorado, which was my first instinct.  That or Seattle.  Not sure I can take the humidity now, but I don't think I would have gotten sick.  I always do what people push me to do, even if it is wrong.

Got to be a way to fix this
.

DOD

In San Diego's Old Town district, they have a big Day of the Dead festival. It ended yesterday.  We played la musica por la gente three days in a row.  Some of it was OK.  Some was not quite a train wreck, but nothing to brag about, either.

That may be poor English.  I don't care.

The festival was pleasant and where we played was in a shady spot in a yard with old style buildings on three sides.  I guess they may have been houses at one time.   Now they are historical landmarks.  That means non-profits profit in this environment.  What a weird concept--no profit.  I won't go there, but it is actually nonsense.  This is one of the better paying music endeavors.  Getting paid by non profits.  They eschew profit yet are constantly hounding people for money.  Relentlessly.   But it is for a higher purpose, so it is OK if they are greedy.

Actually, I find "not for profit" outfits, and charities to generally be the greediest organizations around.  They get by with it, because, even though people do make a living working for these organizations, they pretend to be holier than thou because their cause is clearly more lofty than whatever it is others do to earn their keep.

That brings me to the tendency for certain groups to constantly pat themselves on the back publicly, as if they are so much better than normal people.  I appreciate various occupations like ambulance drivers, rescue personnel, military, etc.  But those are chosen professions.  They get paid.  They are not necessarily better and more worthy than someone building houses or cars, or whatever.  I get tired of government employees calling themselves public servants and pretending to be more generous and wonderful than everyone else.

You joined the military voluntarily.   And personally, there are few if any dangerous conflicts that I would have sent you to fight since World War II.  I sort of thank you for your service, but only because a strong military is a deterrent.  I do not encourage action in lunatic lnd--North Africa and mid east.  I just don't.  So many people I know put on this weird pious face whenever there is military around, and they oh so humbly proffer the meaningless phrase, "Oh, thank you for your service!".  You don't even know what service those people perform.  See the uniform and knee herk react into fawning spectacle.  Seems phony to me. Sorry.

OI do not thank those who participate in no-knock searches and raids, and militaristic action against civilians for their service.  No thank you to those who enforce bad laws, and do it in improper ways.

But I do not consider a demonstration peaceful if you force traffic to stop and interfere with people who do not care to be part of your mob.  That is force and it is not peaceful.  So, here we go.  Not thanking people who make more money than I do for their service, and not even slightly enamored with the self styled 99%.

The dead behaved very well at the Dia de los Muertes festival, so that is something.