Last One Was Too Much

OK. The short of it is that I am going to Austin for a few days right after Christmas, returning on Jan.1.  Let us hope I don't stress and grab a pack of cigarettes on the way home.  Lack of availability will help.  Seems like it has been close to 2 years.

The last 2 years have been murder.  All that time wondering how to cope with those hot itchy attacks which interfered with work and life.  I thought I would have to give up the little bit of a job I have.  Luckily I managed not to do that.  Months of narrowing it all down to discover blood disease, or more accurately bone marrow issues.

But the situation appears to be in a somewhat stable mode, sort of.  One pill, every other day, and levels are somewhat OK.  At first the attacks went away and I thought it would all get better.  But they came back.  Still it is not as common or severe as it once was.  And I have learned various ways to mitigate the trouble.

Austin will be an adventure.  Just the lack of control the plane trip gives is spooky.  I know others have similar need to be able to withdraw to conditions which don't set off physical trouble, too.  But I am supposed to be healthy no matter what, and have no problems.  It will be OK.

Then there is the matter of being on someone else's turf and not being in control of much.  I see now the genius of my brother's life and how he constructed it.  I do not think he ever goes anywhere that he isn't in pretty strong control of things.  He worked to build that form of security.  Well, he built a family and stuck with it.  I guess that is what I wanted but never had the ability to do it.  It makes me cry.

So, I'd rather think about nothing.